He ran his hand over the back of his head, in a gesture she knew meant he was beyond frustrated. “If I sit back down, are you going to tell me that I misunderstood what you just said? Because it sounded to me like you want me gone from your life. Is that about the gist of it?”
Taking his hand, Ava pulled him back down next to her, trying to swallow the lump in her throat at the hurt in his voice. “That’s not what I’m saying, Mac,” she tried to reassure him gently. “Most women don’t need a security detail unless they’re married to the president.” She knew exactly what he was going to say when he opened his mouth, so she put up a hand to stop him. “I know that Jason has someone watch his family. He’s a very rich and important man, who is also a tad OCD about the safety of his wife and daughter. Claire lets him do it because she knows he needs that even if she doesn’t. The difference is, Mac, that for years I was the one who needed it. When you started East Coast and added me to your rounds, I could sleep at night again. If I didn’t see one of your guys passing by my window, I was tied in a knot until they did. In a way, I was almost better off before you started watching over me. With the extra security, I got along well to avoid getting the help that I needed, even though I was still torn up inside. I was just so embarrassed at my weakness and inability to get over what happened to me that I was terrified for anyone else to know the real me.”
“Avie . . . ,” Mac groaned, sounding completely shattered. “It wouldn’t have mattered to me. Don’t you see that there wasn’t a side of you that I wouldn’t have loved? I needed to be there for you. I still do.”
“I know that and I do need you, Mac. What I’m trying to say, though, is that I need to be the person I was again before I became just a victim. I want to be the girl who had limitless dreams of the future, was never afraid of anything, and planned to marry the boy down the street who she’d loved since she was thirteen. Somewhere inside me, that girl still exists, and I want her back. In order for that to happen, I have to finally take control of my life, which includes dealing with my past and setting a course for my future. It’s going to be hard for me to let my safety net go, but I want to start living my life again. I need to regain the innocence of believing that I’ll never be hurt.”
Mac took her hand, seeming to struggle with his words before asking, “What do you need from me, baby? What can I do to give that back to you?”
Raising his hand to her lips, she kissed it gently before saying, “You can’t give it back, Mac, but you can help me find it. I know this is going to be hard for you, but I want us to step back for a couple of weeks. I’m going to get the name of Declan’s therapist and make an appointment. I want to spend the nights at my apartment alone, without any of your security detail checking on me . . . and I want to go out on dates with you that end with me on my doorstep with a good night kiss that keeps me up at night—in a good way. I want us to try to start the kind of relationship that we might have had if nothing had happened to me. I need this, Mac—I want to know if I can be normal without pretending to be. If this relationship is going to work, we have to be equals. I know you’re going to want to save and shield me from everything you can, and I love you for it, but I’ve got to save myself first.”
Ava wasn’t sure how long they sat there with Mac seeming to ponder her words before finally he squeezed her hand and said, “I’ll try, baby. Watching over you is what I do, but I understand what you’re saying and I’ll do my best to give you what you need even if it fucking kills me.” When she threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly, he whispered against her neck, “Does this mean no sex for two weeks either?” Laughter burst from her lips, until she was shaking against him. God, she loved this man. Even though she knew what she had asked was killing him inside, he managed to joke to make her feel better. He was now and would always be her gentle lion.
Chapter Twenty-one