Chapter 43
In the month that followed, previously guarded secrets had bound many of us together, as did our shared loss and common knowledge of all that had transpired. Anne had confessed that she knew what my mother was and that my father had told Anne it was safer if she didn’t live nearby. Close connections could be exploited and were also a liability he had explained.
Despite my desire for normality, turmoil always seemed to occur around me. Was I the catalyst or did I have the hope of coincidence? I had not manifested and I did not think I ever could although recent events had awakened my wolf. I was a half-breed; a dormant. I would never be the same as the others but I could feel the stirring of my wolf deep within.
Although I had seen little of Amber, more had been explained from that awful night and why Lacey was even there. Lacey had loved Amber because her purity separated her from most and her innate goodness and lack of malice was something Lacey was drawn to. Lacey had marked her at one point and as most shifters do, felt a protective bond over the one they attached themselves to.
Tristan, a lone wolf in his own right, visited me and Anne and told us he was going home and that he had obligations to attend to. I knew that meant he was going to scout the omega and to challenge the hierarchy in his family. He had shown himself to be Alpha bound more than anyone else. What would come in the next few years was anyone’s guess. This was unfamiliar territory and a necessary changing of the guard, and while I didn’t feel like I was in immediate danger, we all knew that this was the quiet before the inevitable storm.
Haven had come by and said he was leaving Crested Butte temporarily and asked for a time when we could be alone and talk. We arranged a date and it just so happened to be on an afternoon in which Reece was driving down to Canon City to spend time with Amber and her dad. Amber didn’t want to leave but with her mother gone, and the house they shared rendered into something that couldn’t be salvaged, she had no other choice.
She wept as she held me close, but when the time came for her to say goodbye to Reece, her tears stopped as soon as she fell into his arms. She had closed her eyes tight and I knew that what she felt for him was past tears. While she clung to him and he held her in a solid embrace, he reassured her that they would see each other often and that there would not be an end to what they had together. She said in return, “We’ve been through too much and we’ve known each other too long. I know I’m only going to be a few hours away but this is it. This is when things change.”
“But it’s not the end,” Reece assured her.
I remained silent. I still felt like an intruder that had invaded their close relationship. I also knew that love couldn’t be forced, or chosen, and that it was felt without logic or reason. Whatever would happen between all of us had to be given freely, and it had to be true. And so it was that Amber left her hometown, just as I had several months before, and she was embarking on a new life in a new place but with familiarity just an afternoon’s drive away. And that was a drive Reece was taking with her now.
I didn’t have to travel long to get to my destination. I parked Anne’s car in the exact same spot I had used a few months before. I stepped out of the car and smiled. The air was warm, the breeze an embrace, and the fields surrounding me were decorated in assortments of sunflowers, mountain dandelion’s, butterfly weeds and pearly everlastings. And then I saw him. Haven was standing on the hill in front of me. His hands were in his pockets, and he was wearing a dark blue t-shirt. I raised my hand and waved at him. He acknowledged me in return. I reached inside the car and picked up the picnic basket. We met each other halfway and he took my hand and with the other he reached for the basket. He led me to a dirt trail. It was narrow so I let go of his hand and walked ahead of him. A gust of wind blew my hair into my face. Beaming, I brushed it back, looked over my shoulder and caught his eye. His expression was tender...and it was also sad. We walked for a few minutes and he reached for my hand, pulling me to a stop. He put the basket on the ground and turned me around. He lifted his hand to tuck a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. His fingers carefully moved across the outline of my cheek. His gaze upon me was thoughtful. He leaned toward me, exhaled and drew me in for a hug. I did not resist but the feeling meant something different for each of us.
Quietly he broke the silence, “It was enough to go through the movements in life without really feeling. Then I saw her beauty and happiness and I was changed. You came after her and the way you wore your grief drew me to you.”
I couldn’t summon the words to express how I felt but my silence didn’t seem to trouble him. I knew that it was more than what he had confessed. I also knew I reminded him of my mother but whatever he had felt for her was something he kept to himself, and was one of many areas in his thoughts where I was not allowed to explore.
Baring his soul he went on, “I put this feeling out of mind, only catching rare glimpses of it in others.”
“Haven…” I whispered.
“Don’t say it. I already know. Just let me have this moment.”
It was a moment I couldn’t reciprocate and I hated myself for it. My heart was connected to someone else and it was no longer torn in two. I gently pulled away from him and felt him stiffen as I did.
“How many have you loved?” I asked.
“Enough,” he answered. He looked sad and burdened. “I’ve only been captivated twice. There comes a time when you have lost one too many and you harden yourself and don’t get close to anyone else.”
He looked away from me and gazed into the distance. I continued to look at him and he felt it because he turned to me, seeing me once more. “Our kind is supposed to be pair-bonded. Let me love you,” he offered.
“Haven,” I started. “There is more to life than any one person.”
He shook his head. “It only takes one person to prove that a feeling like this even exists.”
I couldn’t disagree with him but I didn’t know what to say either. I didn’t have to. Words were coming easier to him. “I’ll dream. Until something changes it’s the only place where we can be together.”
I looked down at the ground, feeling the pull of “What if?” I couldn’t be what Haven wanted, and I knew that for him, he had also felt drawn to my mother before me, so I believed that his feelings were a combined emotion of us both, perhaps of nostalgia, and he didn’t know how to separate them. I knew that I could be there for him in the present moment, but that’s all I could do. I looked up at him and said, “We are together. We have right now.”
Haven laughed lightheartedly. “Clever girl.” He seemed amused as he reached over to pick up the basket. When he stood he ushered me ahead of him. Behind me he said, “Even if it isn’t the same.”
We walked until we found a spot overlooking the fields and mountains. Haven unfolded the blanket and arranged it on the ground. We sat down and unpacked the basket. We ate chicken salad sandwiches, made small talk, then I brought up his family, which was too sore a subject for him to discuss. The loss of so many had left him more alone than ever. He had, at one time, a family he had been born into. Then he found another. And that family was gone now, too. I knew loss but I couldn’t comprehend what it must be like for him.
When we finished our picnic we sat for a few minutes without speaking. I looked him over and noticed that he appeared as forlorn as I had when I had first moved here.
“Willow?”
“Hmm,” I answered.
“Will you let me draw you?”
I paused and smiled at him. “If you like.”
Although the sun was obscured from view the air was warm on my face and my heart was warmer still. Haven positioned me in the way he envisioned. I felt like there was an understanding between us, something that hadn’t been there before. I watched him as he worked and the breeze kept her interlude, as if she were part of the canvas. I could feel my hair as the wind made it dance. My heart was too but only because the haze around it had cleared.
Near dusk he was done and he was completely satisfied with his interpretation of my form in the field. He turned the image in my direction and I gasped. I had never seen myself as particularly pretty but in the eyes of someone who cared about me, I was. I used to think that love was blind, but maybe love removes blinders and uncovers something much deeper. It transforms the mundane into the kind of exquisiteness that can’t decay because it’s all encompassing. That’s what I felt as I looked at the portrait before me. It wasn’t me. It was how someone else saw me.
Haven’s voice interrupted my thoughts, “It’s not what you look like that matters, it’s how you make people feel. You have a light - a kind of magic that shines from within.”
“Everyone has their own magic, don’t they?” I replied.
We caught each other’s gaze and we both smiled. We both knew.
As we walked back to Anne’s car and his motorcycle I felt relief that my internal struggle was over. Haven and I weren’t a couple and we weren’t friends either. We were something else.
While he was putting on his riding jacket and reaching for his helmet he paused. He put the helmet down and got off his bike. We both knew this was goodbye but neither one of us knew how to say it. The stillness that surrounded us became tense and uncomfortable. I found my voice and was able to speak. “Will I see you again?”
His blue eyes were somber. They told the answer. He was feeling much more than he was letting on.
“I’m going away. I may be old but I’m not stupid. Only a fool can love someone and willingly watch them love another. I want you to be happy but I don’t want to see it.”
“Will you ever come back?”
“Someday...”
He didn’t reach for me and I didn’t reach for him. We had already shared our embrace and this time we embraced with our eyes. He sat back down on his bike while I stood by the door of Anne’s car. He adjusted his helmet and all I could see was the depth of emotion in his blue eyes. He looked at me longer than necessary and started his bike before turning around and riding off. I watched him disappear into the distance and at that final moment I missed him.