What We Saw

Chapter Sixteen

The following morning, we got up and ate our breakfast as usual. While I was eating, I looked up and was startled by the sight of Emily at our doorstep. It took me by surprise, even though it probably shouldn’t have done. Maybe that’s how involved I was getting in this mystery. She hadn’t knocked but instead just stood there, waiting for us to emerge.

‘Oh, what’s she doing here?’ Adam looked at his watch and sighed impatiently.

‘Adam, we’ll have plenty of time,’ I said, as he slumped his shoulders. I knew he was probably bothered that Kenny had begun clearing up his garden. If we had nothing to help with by the time we got there, it would be harder to get him to talk. I didn’t like Adam’s tone, so I ignored him and got up to let Emily in.

As I opened the door, I noticed something different about Emily though I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Her hair was tied tightly around her head. Her eyes were dark underneath. Her lips were red like when Mum wore lipstick. She stood, arms behind her back, without her usual smile. Her eyes were grey and distant.

‘You okay, Emily?’ I asked, trying to force a smile from her. I wanted to hug her, but I couldn’t bring myself to reach my arms out. Plus, it would be weird. I had no reason to hug her. She just looked… different. Something was out of place.

She nodded, her eyes not parting from mine. Was she shaking? She brought her hands forward before slipping them in her pockets and back out again. She didn’t know what to do with them. ‘Can I come in?’ she asked. Her voice sounded shaky.

I was about to say yes when Adam stood up from the table and marched towards the door. ‘Look, we’re busy today alright?’ he said, pushing past me and leaning against the doorway.

I looked at him. The words made heat flush through my body. I looked back at Emily, who carried on staring right at me.

‘I… Okay, I’ll just—’ Her eyes finally broke from mine as she looked down at the floor. She began to turn away from the caravan.

‘Emily, you can come in. Gran and Granddad are out today. They went out to Lancaster early but we… well, we’ve got things to do, so we stayed back,’ I said.

She looked at me again and broke a half-smile. ‘Oh, well, if you’re busy I can, um, I can come again another time, maybe.’

‘No, I er—no! I didn’t mean that. You can come in if you want.’

What a stupid thing to say. We’ve got things to do. I was almost saying out loud what Adam was implying. He looked at his watch again, then up at Emily.

‘It’s okay, Liam. But, we’re still friends, aren’t we?’ she said.

Adam folded his arms together and rolled his eyes.

‘Course we are Emily, it’s just—’

‘It’s just you only want to hang out with us when it suits you. We might have something we need help with but you don’t give a damn.’ He turned to me. ‘Since when did you get so soft anyway?’ Adam interrupted.

Emily stood, mouth open, searching for a response.

My skin began to boil. I couldn’t contain it any longer. I grabbed Adam by the scruff of his shirt and pushed him against the wall. ‘Listen, there’s more to life than this stupid f*cking mystery, Adam. We’ve got friends who need us. You can’t forget that. I know you need something to focus on right now, but sometimes you’ve got to let things rest for one bloody minute.’

Adam’s face flushed and his body went limp. He looked at Emily, red-faced, and tried to push my arms away. ‘Some—something to focus on? What’s that supposed to mean?’

I felt the heat boiling down. I tried to talk but my throat turned to jelly. My knees wobbled. I let go of the scruff of Adam’s neck and left the caravan. ‘I need some air,’ I said. ‘Emily, I’ll walk you back if you want.’

Adam looked between us both, twitching his nostrils. He threw his fist into the wall. ‘I f*cking dare you to leave, Liam.’

I let out a sarcastic laugh before looking down at Adam. I reached out and grabbed Emily’s hand. Her fingers felt cold but linking them into mine sent warmth all the way through my body.

We walked away as Adam watched us. I could feel his eyes on my back. ‘I’ll deal with Kenny then, dickhead, because I’m the one who always deals with things,’ he shouted. ‘You and your girlfriend have fun doing whatever you’re gonna do. I won’t forget this. I promise I won’t let you get away with this. We’re not even yet.’

I stood tall and tried to take it on the chin, but Adam was right. I knew something would be coming my way. I couldn’t be sure where or when, but it would. It always did. That’s how it worked between us. But deep down, as I walked across the stones with Emily’s soft hand in mine, I didn’t really care. The thing that mattered to me right now was Emily. I felt a smile sneak across my face as we walked down the road. The clouds in the sky looked like something that had come out of a factory. The wind blew and the plants danced in the breeze. Everything looked so much brighter now, like things did in a dream. I wanted the world to see me holding hands with Emily. I wanted everybody in their caravans to see that it was me who got her and not Adam. Okay, the circumstances were hardly perfect. But it felt nice inside. Putting him in his place. I felt like I could take over the world right now. And I hadn’t even had to playfully hit Emily to win her over.

‘You didn’t have to do that, Liam,’ Emily said.

I smiled. ‘Yeah, well, I did.’

Emily took me up my road, and we turned left at the top. The caravan site owner’s derelict old house was just about visible in the distance, atop a hill. I wondered how anyone could survive with so few windows. The house itself was nice and big, made of the sort of stones you’d see fences made out of round this sort of area. But the whole house must have had about three windows at the front and two at the back. It was a tip inside now, too, where older kids hung around and drank beer according to Granddad. It would make the perfect haunted house.

We followed the road round the side of the field. Donald’s caravan would be at the end of this higher route, but we were still quite a way from his place. My stomach turned when I thought about Donald, so I changed my thoughts back to Emily. My hand in her hand. How long was I supposed to keep it there? Was I doing everything wrong?

‘You’re okay with me holding your hand, aren’t you?’ I asked.

Emily giggled and looked towards the ground. ‘Of course, silly. Are you alright with me holding yours?’

I tried to smile, but my face grew warm. ‘Yeah, oh yeah. It’s cool.’

Emily led me to the launderette. We hadn’t been here for a while. Last time, we’d spied on people as they brought their clothes in to be dried, looking for some sort of conspiracy.

She stared at me with those big, inviting eyes. I wanted to hug her or kiss her, but I wasn’t sure how. It was like there was an invisible wall between us, and I wasn’t sure how to break through it. I couldn’t think of what to say. I could only smile.

We sat against the bumpy wall behind the launderette and stared down into the group of trees in front, like a mini-forest separating us from the rest of the caravan site. We were totally alone, with only the distant sounds of footsteps for company. Our hands were still interlocked. My palm started to sweat a little. Emily was completely still.

We sat like this for a while, totally silent. I wanted to tell Emily everything. About Donald, what we’d seen him doing. About the mystery surrounding Carla’s disappearance. About the ring. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to tell her about other things, too. About my mum and dad, and how I wished they could sort their problems out. About having moved house four times in the last two years. About how f*cking hard it was being expected to ‘stay strong’ for Adam’s sake with what he’d been through. I looked at her as she stared down into the trees, her hair still tight against her head. I wondered if she was thinking the same sort of things. But we were both totally silent. It felt like we were ghosts looking down on somewhere we used to know.

I contemplated saying something. I wasn’t sure if I was being good company. I didn’t want to risk Adam turning up, intruding on the moment with whatever comeback he had planned for me.

Instead, Emily broke the silence, right on cue. ‘You really didn’t have to stand up for me like that, Liam. I mean it.’ She turned to look at me and pulled her hand away. I realised how chilly it was without the heat from her hand warming up my body, like a phone taken off the charger.

‘No, I really did,’ I said. I wasn’t sure whether what she said was a bad thing, seeing as she’d said it twice now. My throat felt a little bit rough as I smiled stupidly.

‘I—I do understand, you know. You’ve got things going on. I know I smile a lot, but I really do understand.’ Whenever she looked into my eyes and smiled, it made my head fuzzy. ‘I mean, I didn’t mean to upset Adam by not helping you out with your mystery,’ she said, stressing the last two words. The doubt was clear in her voice—she thought it was just another little thing we’d come up with.

‘I know you didn’t. He knows you didn’t either. He’s just…’

‘Hurt,’ she said, looking at me directly now. Hurt wasn’t the word I was thinking of. Maybe difficult or obsessive. But the way she said it, staring right at me, gave it so much weight. So much meaning. I nodded my head and smiled, acknowledging her words, wanting to look polite.

She shuffled her feet, kicking at the twigs in front of her. A couple of blackbirds landed in the distance, pecking at each other and flapping their wings. What were they saying to each other? I envied the birds sometimes. Just being able to fly off to see everyone back home whenever it became too much. I could see my dad and my mum all the time that way.

‘Do you ever get that feeling where you want to say so much to someone but there isn’t really anyone to say it to?’ she asked. She messed with her hair and avoided looking at me.

‘Sort of. I dunno. Me and Adam talk about a lot of stuff. He doesn’t say a lot, but when he does, it helps him. So that’s good, really.’

‘No, I mean you, Liam,’ Emily said. She moved closer to me. I could feel the warmth coming off her body now as her breath touched my lips.

I thought about what she’d said. And that’s when I realised I was all alone. Donald had been someone I could talk to every now and then, and sometimes he even understood what was going on without actually saying anything. It was nice to have an adult around who took things seriously and didn’t have any problems of their own to deal with.

‘Well, it’s hard. It’s hard because Adam’s lost his parents. I don’t want to sound nasty but… it’s so hard keeping all happy all the time for him. And Gran and Granddad have lost their daughter too, so they have big problems. It’s as if I can’t really talk because it doesn’t really matter. I’m just sort of here to help everyone stay happy.’

Emily reached for my hand, slipping her fingers through my knuckles. I shuddered and nearly pulled away. It felt nice but a part of me wanted to escape. ‘Well, I want you to know that if you ever need to talk to anyone about anything, your mum and dad, or whatever… I want you to know that I’m here for you,’ she said.

That was when I kissed her. My neck pulled itself forward. I kept my eyes open and so did she. We stared at each other, connected by the mouth. It felt weird, kissing someone. It was a lot messier than it seemed to be on the telly.

I pulled away, stood up, and scratched my stomach. My hands sweated and my heart raced. I had to leave. I felt like I’d done something wrong. This changed everything. I don’t know how Adam would react or anybody. A part of me wished it hadn’t happened, even though it felt so nice. Emily stayed sitting, looking up at me.

‘Sorry, I… I shouldn’t, I should probably go back to—erm…’

Emily stood up and put her arms around me. She pulled herself to my body and rested her head on my chest. ‘Thank you, Liam. It’s good to know somebody cares.’

I thought about asking her about the bruises again, but the moment was too perfect, her soft breaths rising and falling towards my chest.

We stayed like this for a few moments, the wind blowing her hair towards my mouth. I didn’t want to ruin the moment, but I kept having to spit it out. I felt something cold tap my nose and my right hand: rain. ‘We should probably, erm,’ I said, edging towards the shelter outside the launderette.

‘Oh shut up, Liam O’Donnell,’ Emily said, looking up at my lips and grinning, her tongue peeking through the little gap in her teeth. ‘Stop ruining the romance, you goon.’

We stood in the rain for a few minutes before even Emily agreed we should probably move. Gran would go mad if she saw my blue hoodie had been soaked. She always had a go at us when we stayed out in the rain. ‘You might be having a bloody laugh, but I’ve got to dry this mess,’ she’d say, holding it up in front of her, before handing it to Granddad to pop on a hanger.

As we stood under the shelter of the launderette, watching dog walkers scurry past and cars leave the site, I noticed we were silent again. I should probably read one of those magazines and learn how best to talk to girls. Was Emily my girlfriend now? Or did I need to ask her out? Did it even matter?

My heart pumped against my chest. I thought for a moment it was about to break out like that creature in that Alien film. I accidentally walked in on that scene while my dad was watching it, and I didn’t sleep for days. Every time my heart picked up I thought I was going to die. I even wrote a will for my friends and family, just in case.

I stood there and held hands with Emily. I looked at her arm. It was pale and bony and wasn’t the sort of arm that saw much sunlight, a bit like Adam’s. My own skin was more of a bronze colour, and Emily’s arm looked white next to mine.

I looked at Emily’s face. Her eyes stared ahead. Her hair was tucked behind her ear and her collarbone rose like a mountain from her chest. I’d never properly noticed how skinny she was before. I wasn’t sure whether she had lost weight or whether I’d been too blind to see it, but she was definitely skinnier than other girls her age. Maybe this was something she was upset about. I’d never thought to ask.

‘Are you upset about the bruises?’

Emily turned towards me, breaking her stare. She looked at me, her eyes dancing from side to side around my face. She licked her lips, went slightly pink, and looked as if she were about to explode like a malfunctioning machine.

‘What do you… what do you mean upset?’ she asked. She tried to smile and swept her hair back.

I stared straight into her eyes. I wanted to look as serious as I could. I didn’t speak.

‘I… well, they are nothing, really. Everyone gets bruises, right?’

Her eyes flickered away from me again, her smile twitching. I didn’t say anything, just stared. I wasn’t sure what to say. She knew I knew she was lying. She raised her hand to her mouth and scratched at her lips. She usually did this before she jumped into the swimming pool, when she was nervous. Was I being too mean?

Emily broke the gaze, glancing at my feet and up my body. When our eyes met again, I could see they were watering. She exhaled a long, deep breath. ‘Liam, I don’t know whether I can, you know, talk about it yet.’ She spoke as if she had been possessed. This wasn’t the fun-loving, smiley Emily I knew and who Adam flirted with. She didn’t even try to smile. She folded her arms and shifted her eyes from side to side, every little noise catching her attention.

‘That’s okay,’ I said. ‘As long as you know I’m here when you do want to talk.’ The words sounded funny coming from my mouth. I felt like an adult. Maybe this is what being an adult was, after all. I hoped not. I quite liked hunting for ghosts and solving murders.

She turned back to me, smiled, and nodded. She looked more like Emily again. Seeing her like she was before made me a bit uncomfortable. I became aware of a rustling somewhere in the trees in front of us. At first I shrugged it off as a bird, but it almost sounded like footsteps. I scanned the area and spotted him. I should’ve guessed he’d be here.

‘Sorry to interrupt your conversation, lovers,’ he said, skipping towards us now. Adam had a cruel grin on his face, like the time he’d made me get out of the pool when he’d stolen my swimming trunks.

‘It’s okay, we were just about to head back,’ I said. I avoided eye contact with him.

Adam put his hands on either side of his navy Nike t-shirt. ‘Ah, that’s good, but you’re not going back yet,’ he smiled, completely blanking Emily. ‘I think you should come out from hiding and go tell Kenny how sorry you are for trashing his garden.’

My body sank towards the ground. I knew he’d find a means of revenge; I knew it. I shook my head and clenched my teeth together as he stood there, smirking.