Under the Light

Chapter 21





Jenny


IT WAS A SIMPLE, DORKY THING for him to say, but it felt like a comet went through my chest. He stopped time for me.

“There,” he said. “Now we can lie here as long as we want.”

He’d kissed me once before, when we were standing in my bedroom—a quick touch of the lips, but now he gave me a real kiss. My first. It should have been awkward, but it was like we’d been together forever. The room seemed to expand and the ceiling disappeared. I was loved and I was in a huge open field with all the air I could ever need.

I felt the seams of his shirt, turned wrong-side out, and the warm skin of his back as I slid my hand underneath. He pulled out of the kiss long enough to tug the shirt off, forward over his back and head. I could see the ceiling behind him, and the stars, too. I was afraid he would disappear, so I rose up and threw my arms around him so he wouldn’t fly away. As we kissed he pulled the sleeves of my cardigan off one arm and then the other.

As long as we’re touching, I thought, wherever he goes, I’ll go too, and wherever I go, I’ll take him along. It felt natural when he untucked my shirt from my pants so he could lay his palm flat on my stomach.

I thought someone was in the room. I turned my head to the side. He kissed my cheek, my temple, under my jaw, pressing me into the pillow. With my face turned to one side, I saw that there was someone beside me—too dim to see clearly, though. A boy on the grass, speaking, but I couldn’t hear him. He sat up—he was trying to tell me something. I knew him, but I couldn’t see him well enough.

“Wait.” I gasped in a breath.

“Okay.” Billy shifted his weight off me.

The room was back, the sky and the grass were gone—the ordinary daylight of autumn was almost blinding. I searched the ceiling and desk and clock. There was just me and Billy.

“This will sound crazy.” I sat up and slid away from him.

“I doubt it,” said Billy. “Compared to what?”

My throat tightened up—I didn’t want to say anything about what I’d just seen. I didn’t want it to sound like a dream, or a daydream, something I made up that means nothing. My eyes were hot—tears started down my face.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked.

I shook my head no. I was embarrassed to be crying in front of Billy.

“Are you scared? We don’t have to do anything else.”

“I’m not scared.” My voice broke. “I was thinking about somebody . . .” I couldn’t explain it.

Billy watched me, sitting on the side of the mattress. At first he held my hand. “Like who? Your parents?”

I shook my head, trying to dry my eyes with my bare hand.

“Like another guy?”

“Sort of.”

His grip on my hand relaxed, his fingers slipped away. “A boyfriend.”

“No,” I said. “It’s stupid. I don’t even know his name or where he lives.”

“A guy you like?” he asked. “From school?”

“No.” I took a sharp breath, trying to suck my tears in and stop acting like an idiot. “It’s ridiculous.”

“I’m just not him,” said Billy. “That’s the problem, right?”

“No,” I told him. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“But you can’t stop thinking of him when you’re with me?”

I wanted to climb onto the roof and hide.

“I get it.” Billy stood up and grabbed his shirt from the floor. He pulled it on, right-side out this time. It had a picture of a zombie on it. He sat on his desk chair.

“I think I met someone during the time I had amnesia,” I told him.

Billy studied me for a long moment. “It’s him, the ghost who was in my body.”

I’d wondered that before, but no, it still didn’t sound right. “I don’t think so.”

“You’re remembering him, that’s why you can’t think of his name.”

I shook my head. “When I left my body I didn’t go to school or here,” I said. “I was far away. Where there was lots of sky and air.” It sounded so childish, but that’s the best way I could describe it, because it was just on the outside edge of my memory.

Billy stared me—all the color had faded out of him.

“Our bodies were here, but our spirits weren’t,” I told him. “Where did your spirit go?”

He shrugged. “Maybe my spirit was asleep.” Then he picked up my sweater and held it out to me. “I’ll take you back to the library. If you want me to.”

It felt like he was kicking me out. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Forget everything I said.”

“It’s okay. I get the idea.” He was still holding out the sweater, so I took it. “I’m not mad,” he told me.

I pulled the sweater on and looked around for my shoes, but I knew I should say something else.

“It’s not like we’re in love,” he told me, but the more he talked, the less he sounded okay. “People I love end up in the hospital or jail. Better to stay clear of the curse.”

“Don’t be stupid,” I said. “You’re not cursed.” Even though I had been feeling like there was someone else and that kissing Billy was sort of like cheating, the idea that Billy wasn’t in love with me and that he didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore made me feel sick to my stomach.

“Here.” He put my shoes into my hands in a rough way that made me stare at him. Looking embarrassed, he backed away a step, bumped into his desk, and leaned against it. “Sorry.” He sighed. “Take your time.”

As I was putting on my shoes the bedside table shook again and another gust of cool air rushed at me—I could feel the pressure of icy fingers gripping my arm, pulling me to my feet.

But Billy wasn’t touching me.

“What is it?” he asked.

Then we both heard a car door slam. I ran into the hall, hoping I could act as if Billy and I were visiting in the living room instead of his bedroom. The front door opened just as I was struggling to get my heel into my second shoe, balanced on one foot in the entryway. Billy set my book bag down next to me as Mitch looked from one of us to the other.

“What did I tell you?” Mitch slammed the door.

“She’s just leaving,” said Billy. “Don’t worry. She dumped me.”

I stood up and realized my shirt was not tucked in, but I was too shy to fix it in front of his brother.

Mitch looked me up and down, and even though his fists were tight, his face relaxed as he picked up my bag. “Time to go,” he told me.

I hoped Billy would try to stop us, or at least come with us, but he sat on the arm of the couch looking exhausted as Mitch led me out on the porch.

I wanted to go back and tell him that I loved him, even if he didn’t feel the same. I opened my mouth but no words came out. I can tell him at school, I thought. Only we would never go to the same school again. I panicked at the idea of losing him. With the ghosts gone, there was nothing linking the two of us anymore. If he didn’t want me, I was lost.

Mitch shut the door and was leading me down the steps by the elbow as if I might run for it. I asked him to take me to the library and he gave me a funny look.

“My mother’s picking me up there,” I explained.

He smiled at the idea that I had lied to her about my plans for the day. On the way there he held an unlit cigarette in his mouth for a while, finally flicking it to the dashboard when there were only a few blocks to go.

“Did you really break up with him?” he asked.

“I guess,” I told him. “I’m not sure what happened.”

Mitch didn’t look at me—kept his gaze on the road and the rearview mirror. “He’s a good kid, but he doesn’t need another heartbreak right now.”

I didn’t know what to say. I wanted Billy. Maybe I didn’t deserve him, but it was too sad how short a time together we’d had.

“I know you’ll probably change your mind in a few hours,” said Mitch. “I’m not blind. I can see how you are together, but we don’t even know what’s happening to him after tomorrow.”

“What’s tomorrow?” I asked.

“Did he really not talk about any of that?” Mitch sighed. He reached up and caught the cigarette again as he pulled up to the curb outside the main branch. He put the car in park and took a lighter from his pocket, waiting for me to get out before he lit up.

“Is Billy in trouble?” I asked as I opened my door.

Mitch paused with the flame ready. “Nothing for you to worry about, kid. Have a nice life.”

A puff of smoke trailed after the car as it drove off.