To the Moon and Back

Chapter 21




There had been something different about this evening. The realization had crept up on Ellie gradually; at first she’d thought she was imagining it. But she wasn’t.

Well, that was pretty obvious now.

Furthermore, she appeared to be having an out-of-body experience. Todd Howard was kissing her and she was mentally standing back, noting her reaction to the experience with the detachment of an exam steward.

It probably ranked as a medium-strength kiss. Not too wet, not too dry. Not too hard or too soft. It felt completely bizarre, yet you couldn’t call it unpleasant. She didn’t want to wrench herself free and go spleeurghhhh, spluttering in horror and wiping her mouth like a six-year-old caught by a whiskery maiden great aunt.

Actually, that was long enough now. Breaking contact, she drew back and opened her eyes. Todd was already watching her, waiting to gauge her reaction. Had he spent the last few hours gearing himself up for this?

‘Sorry.’ He was breathing quite heavily. ‘Are you OK?’

‘Yes.’ She still felt like an observer. Easy in each other’s company, they’d fallen into the habit of spending time together at the weekends. Today had been no different; shopping on Portobello Road, a couple of drinks in the afternoon, then a walk in Regent’s Park followed by a trip to a comedy club in Camden, and a stop-off at a pizza takeaway on the way home. Once back at the flat, they had relaxed on the sofa, washed the slices of quattro stagioni down with white wine, and started watching Ocean’s Eleven on DVD.

Then halfway through the film, Todd had turned to look at her and said, ‘Ell? I want to kiss you.’

And she’d been so astounded she’d said, ‘Seriously?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh.’ And more out of politeness than anything else, she had heard herself say bemusedly, ‘OK.’

The next moment, Todd’s mouth had descended on hers. And they were kissing. This was when the split-screen effect had really kicked in. Half of Ellie had been evaluating the pressure, the wetness, the taste of the kiss, the smell of his skin, and the sensation of stubble gently grazing her cheek. The other half had felt like a mannequin in a shop window.

But it was bound to feel weird. It was eighteen months since Jamie had died, eighteen months since her last experience of mouth-to-mouth contact. And this was an unfamiliar mouth.

It was also saying something. Whoops, she’d been so busy assessing how it felt she hadn’t been listening. Ellie shook her head. ‘Sorry, I missed that.’

‘I just asked if you’re sure you’re all right.’

‘I’m all right.’ Poor Todd, he was looking so worried. She smiled slightly to reassure him. ‘I’m fine.’

‘You had no idea I was wanting to do that? You weren’t expecting it?’

‘No.’

‘But you didn’t hate it?’

‘No.’

Todd looked relieved. ‘I’ve been plucking up the courage.’

‘Oh?’ What else could she say?

‘Yes.’ He nodded, searching her face for a reaction. ‘I like you, Ellie. It never occurred to me to think about it before, when you and Jamie were together. But these past few weeks… I don’t know, something seemed to be happening. I just really like being with you.’ His eyes were bright. ‘You’re lovely.’

‘Am I?’ It was bizarre to hear him say it.

‘Oh yes.’ Gaining confidence, he added, ‘Mind you, I can be pretty lovely too, when I put my mind to it.’

Her smile broadened, because that was the kind of banter he and Jamie had engaged in. Before you knew it they’d be off, arguing which of them was the loveliest.

‘Look,’ Todd went on, ‘no pressure. I’m going to go now.’ The tiniest of pauses gave her the opportunity to tell him he didn’t have to leave. When she didn’t say it, he stood up. ‘You need time to think this through. The ball’s in your court, OK? Give me a call whenever you want. I know it must feel a bit strange. But I reckon we could be good together. We could give it a try, see how we go. If you want.’

She rose to her feet. ‘OK, thanks.’ This was weird, like a job interview. Were they supposed to shake hands now?

Todd solved the dilemma by giving her a quick, just-good-friends hug. ‘I’ll wait to hear from you.’

She reciprocated with a polite, just-good-friends kiss on the cheek. ‘Right, thanks.’ It still felt surreal. She patted his arm. ‘Bye.’

***

‘Well, well, who’d have thought it?’

From the bed, Ellie sat with her knees up and studied Jamie’s expression. She needed to know how he felt about what had happened earlier. The good thing was, he didn’t look outraged. He seemed completely relaxed.

Then again, she was the one making him look like that.

‘I know. Took me by surprise. I didn’t lead him on at all.’

Jamie’s blue eyes were sparkling. ‘No need to be so defensive. Leading men on is allowed.’

‘Don’t you feel funny about it?’ He must do, surely.

‘OK, a bit.’ He lounged against the wall and shrugged. ‘But maybe it’s better that it’s someone I know. I trust him. Todd’s not going to break your heart. That has to be a good thing, doesn’t it?’

‘I suppose.’

‘Better than you going out and having a drunken one-night stand with some chancer who wouldn’t even remember your name the next day.’

‘Damn,’ said Ellie. ‘I was looking forward to that happening.’

Jamie grinned. ‘I know you too well.’

‘Anyway, we’re not talking about sex.’ The prospect of getting naked and actually doing it was too bizarre to even contemplate. ‘That’s not going to happen.’

‘Right. Take things slowly.’ He nodded in agreement. ‘A few kisses and a bit of hand holding, that’s enough to be going on with for now. See how you feel.’

‘I already know how I feel. I feel weird.’

‘It’s been eighteen months.’

‘Oh, has it really?’ Mock amazement. ‘That long already? I hadn’t noticed.’

‘One thing. Is he a good kisser?’

‘He’s OK.’

‘Better than me?’

Ellie pretended to consider the question. ‘Hm, I’ll have to think about that.’

‘He’d better not be better than me,’ said Jamie. ‘At kissing or holding hands.’

She looked at his long, tanned fingers, remembering how they’d felt and how well they’d fitted together with hers. She’d give anything to be able to hold his hand again. Oh great, here come the tears, was this ever going to stop happening?

‘Don’t cry,’ said Jamie.

‘I know.’ She pulled a tissue from the box on the table next to the bed.

‘Does this mean he is better?’

He was looking horrified, trying to make her laugh. Ellie smiled and wiped her eyes. ‘Don’t panic. You’re still the best.’

‘Thank goodness for that.’ He relaxed and pushed his hands into the back pockets of his favorite low-slung jeans. ‘But just so you know, I’m fine about Todd. You could do a lot worse.’