Chapter Twenty-Three
I stare at my watch for about the hundredth time in the past half hour. Lori’s not coming. I knew she wouldn’t. Not that I blame her. I wouldn’t if the situation was reversed. Actually, I think I would. Everyone’s entitled to screw up occasionally—though I suppose it depends on the severity of the screw-up.
“Not here yet?” Ryan asks as he walks past the table.
It’s sad suggesting we meet in Starbucks, but knowing Ryan is around makes it easier somehow. I still feel guilty about what I did to him but I think he understands. And he knows I value what we had together. We talked for ages last night. About everything.
“No. I guess it was a long shot.” I let out a long sigh. “I might as well go home. No point hanging around here all day.”
“Look, I finish at four. Why don’t we go for a coffee or something. What about the movies? Take your mind off what’s happened. I’ll come and pick you up.”
He’s such a sweetie. I don’t deserve such a good friend.
“Ryan, you don’t have to do this, you know. It’s my problem and I have to face it.”
“And it’s such a hardship. Seriously, I enjoy being with you. So, are we on for later?” I bite on my bottom lip, deliberating. “Hurry up,” he says. “I’m not meant to hang out with the customers. You know that. Are we going or not?” His warm smile totally negates the effect of his harsh sounding words.
“You’re so bossy. How can I refuse.” I giggle and for the briefest of moments forget everything.
I take my purse from the back of the chair, open it and drop in my phone. There’s a bus in ten minutes, which I should make. But first I need to pop to the bathroom.
Pushing the door open I get the shock of my life. Lori is in there washing her hands. I stand open mouthed, while my stomach hits the floor. I hate it when that happens because it takes ages before my insides feel remotely normal.
“Suzy,” Lori says, a lot colder than she’s ever said my name before.
“Um, hi. I thought you weren’t going to come. Not that I blame you. I know that what’s happened is awful and you probably won’t ever want to speak to me again and I don’t blame you because it was so awful and it was just so awful and—”
Suzy, shut the f*ck up. Right. Yes. Sorry. Breathe. Be cool.
“Sorry, for gabbling on Lori. Thanks for coming.”
“I wasn’t going to. I’ve been in here for twenty minutes deciding what to do. When I got your text earlier asking me to meet you I thought you had a huge cheek after what happened. But then—”
“Yes, I know. I totally agree with you. But I had to see you. To explain. Look come and sit down, we can’t talk in here.”
“Okay.”
She follows me out of the bathroom into the café area. There’s a table near the door so I head over there. Ryan is behind the counter and I catch his eye when we pass. He gives an almost imperceptible wink. I hope Lori didn’t notice.
“Do you want anything to drink?” I ask once we’re sitting down.
“No, thanks.”
“Right.” I take hold of the bottom of my T-shirt and start to wrap it around my finger. “I am soooo sorry,” I blurt out loudly. “About last night. I owe you an explanation.”
Lori’s face is unreadable. I feel awful. And you know what, now I’m faced with losing her as a friend I realize how much I don’t want to. I really like her. And I’m not just friends with her to achieve my goal. I really, really like her. And that makes me feel even more of a bitch than I was feeling before.
“Yes, I think you do.” She folds her arms. I’ve read all about body language in Cosmo. I know exactly what arm folding means. “And it better be good.” Her words chill my insides. She can certainly be a tough nut when she wants to.
“Oh. It’s good alright.” I’m freakin’ here. This sure as hell isn’t going to be easy. “I’ll start at the beginning, but before I do, you need to know that I’m sorry. So very, very sorry. You’ve been great. And I didn’t want to lie to you or anyone else. But I had no choice.” This is sounding so ridiculous.
“You had to lie? Someone twisted your arm and made you tell lies to me.” She shakes her head in disbelief.
“Well, not someone exactly. Just the thought of someone,” I pause for a moment. “Rosie. I wanted desperately to be like her so when I started at school I sort of reinvented myself. Bought some new clothes, worked hard, behaved myself and hung out with the in crowd. And thanks to your help and kindness it turned out better than I could have ever hoped.”
Lori’s facial expression softens a little. “That’s not so bad,” she says. “I can understand you wanting to turn over a new leaf and—”
“Wait,” I interrupt. “You haven’t heard the worst thing.” I pause a moment. “I’m-not-a-virgin-I-did-it-with-Ryan-just over-a-year-ago.” The words tumble out of my mouth and I daren’t look at her, instead lean forward and bury my head in my hands.
Lori doesn’t say a thing, and after a few moments I turn my head to the side and peep out through my fingers.
“Say something,” I implore. “Even if it’s that you hate me and will never speak to me again.”
“I don’t know what to say,” she replies very deliberately. “Telling us you are a virgin was one big lie.”
“Well, technically I didn’t lie.” Here I go again. “Because no-one actually asked me if I was a virgin or not. You all assumed I was.”
“And the vow?”
“Ah, yes. But under my breath I did sort of change the vow to be ‘from now on I’ll stay a virgin’. And that would have been it, except Ryan turned up and made everything so complicated. And he made me go out with him on the day of the summer picnic. See, that’s another lie I told. I wasn’t ill then. I was with Ryan.”
“Is he blackmailing you? Because if he is my parents have a good lawyer who—”
“No. no,” I interrupt. “Nothing like that. Ryan is the coolest guy out. He’s helped me see how things really are. Ryan wouldn’t blackmail anyone. No way. You must meet him properly, you’ll love him.”
Lori’s eyes widen. “Ah ha. Now I get it,” she says.
“What?”
“No wonder you don’t want to go out with Guy. You’ve got the hots for Ryan.”
“No it’s not like that. Definitely not.”
“Mmmm. If you say so.” She’s silent for a while, and looks thoughtful. “Tell me what was it like,” she finally says. “Doing it, I mean. Did it—did it hurt?”
“It was awesome. Really special. Yes, the first time it did hurt. I knew it would. But Ryan was so gentle and sweet. No way would I have done it if I didn’t have strong feelings for him.” My insides go all gooey at the thought. I shake my head. I can’t think about what happened in the past. It’s pointless.
“What about getting pregnant. Weren’t you worried about that?” Lori’s has this huge anxious look on her face.
“He used a condom. Just because we were only sixteen doesn’t mean we’re stupid.”
“Yes, I know. Sorry.” She looks away for a moment, then suddenly turns back. “You can’t stay in the club now, you know.”
This is going to seem totally weird, but hearing Lori say that makes me feel really sad. I know I’ve mocked the Club and the Handbook but without it Lori and I wouldn’t have become such good friends. And creepy Jamie isn’t really so bad. He has his heart in the right place, even if he is a bit blinkered when it comes to the real world.
“I know. I sort of wish I didn’t. Maybe I can be an Associate Member. You know, like they have in some organizations for people who don’t quite make the qualification criteria.”
“You can run it past Jamie and see what he says.” Lori shrugs. “I’m not sure how he’ll react, though.”
Yeah, I suppose it is a bit of wishful thinking on my part.
“Everyone’s going to hate me now.” I say, my voice becoming more serious. “For lying. Aren’t they?”
“It depends on what they know. If we don’t tell anyone.” I stare at Lori, my mouth open so wide a bus could get through with room to spare.
“You mean you won’t say anything?”
“Suzy, I really like you. You’re my friend. And I don’t want this to come between us.”
“But I ruined the night. You said so.”
“Well, that’s a slight exaggeration. I was really upset with you, at the time. But being with George sort of helped.” She blushes furiously.
“Oh yes. You and George. See, I told you inviting him to the party was the way to go. What happened? Did you, you know? Sorry. Of course you wouldn’t.”
“No, we didn’t do anything. But we did talk a lot. About us and the club and stuff. He’s asked me to go out with him.”
“Did you say yes? Tell me you did. He’s such a cool guy. I really like him.”
“Yes. I said yes.” She smiles. For the first time since we met today she seems relaxed.
“I’m so pleased. And I’m soooo sorry for everything.”
“I understand. I just wished you’d trusted me enough to tell me.”
I’m almost tempted to tell her the rest—about the arrest and stuff. But maybe not. One step at a time.
“I didn’t want to tell anyone. I thought it would be better that way. And we’re still friends?”
“You bet,” she says resting her hand on my arm. “Since you’ve been at school things have much more fun.”
“But I’ve been behaving myself. I thought I was the being the most serious best behaved person out.”
“Really? And the time you told Miss Davis the Principal was looking for her so Jana could finish her homework and hand it in?”
“That’s nothing. You should have seen what I used to do. Actually no you shouldn’t. But the thing is Lori; it’s not just my behavior I changed. It’s my clothes, the music I listen to, in fact it’s everything. Are you sure you want to hang out with a Goth loving, grunge dresser? You saw evidence of the real me in my closet, remember?”
“I think I can hack it.” She laughs. “As long as you don’t try and change my closet.”
“As if I dare try. I didn’t realize how fierce you could be until earlier. Seriously scary.” We both start to giggle.
“What about school? You’re not going to drop the AP classes are you? You need them for your college applications. You are still going to college aren’t you?”
“I don’t know,” I say, and Lori’s face drops. “I think so. I might take a year out first, though. I promise I won’t go back to my old ways. Well, not all of them anyway, and—” I stop as an awful thought crosses my mind. I raise my hand to my mouth.
“What’s wrong?” Lori asks.
“I’ve just had a thought. What about Guy? If he’s told everyone about last night then it will be a total nightmare at school next week.”
“He won’t say anything if it’s going to make him look stupid. Trust me.”
“Are you sure? Why would it make him stupid?”
“Boys like Guy have an image to live up to.” This sounds so much like Maddie it’s not funny. “He won’t want people to think you gave him up for Ryan.”
“But I didn’t.”
“We know that, but Guy doesn’t. And now it’s over, I’ll admit to being pleased.” What?
“Pleased? How come?”
“Look, I like Guy. But he can be totally controlling. I think that’s one of the reasons Carla dumped him.” Now she tells me.
“Why didn’t you say anything before?”
“Because you seemed so into him. And he might have been different with you.”
“I don’t think he was, when I think back to some of the things he said to me. Though at the time I didn’t notice.” Well, that sure eases the guilt some.
“So, come on. Introduce me to Ryan. Your friend,” Lori says, and I give her a pretend slap.
“I’d love to, except he’s not allowed to mix with customers when he’s working. You can wave to him if you like.”
“Okay I will. But you’ll have to introduce him to me sooner or later. I have a feeling there’s more to you and him than you’re admitting.”
If I didn’t know better I’d say Lori is Maddie incarnate. The similarities are ridiculous.
“Look, after what I did to him I’m lucky he’s talking to me at all.”
“What do you mean?”
“I made a choice. Be a virgin, or admit to having a relationship. And by taking the virgin route I hurt Ryan badly. What sort of person does that make me?”
“You did what you thought best. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You’ve sorted it now and that what counts.”
“I know. And it’s not even that I regret what happened between us. If I went back in time I’d do it all again. I’ll never forget it.”
“And you say you only think of him as a friend? Um—I don’t think so. Oh, there he is.” She points toward the bathroom and gives a huge wave.
She’s so cool.