Chapter Twenty-Two
“Guy,” I say, trying to sound totally unfazed by his presence. “I didn’t realize you were here.”
I glance up at Ryan. His face is emotionless. What’s he thinking? Will he forgive me? Or does he just think of me as Suzy the selfish bitch?
“Ryan and I were just talking.”
“Talking? It looks more than talking to me.” He diverts his attention from me to Ryan. “Do you always talk to people with your arm around them?” Sparks positively fly from his eyes.
“Listen bud—”
“I’m not your bud,” Guy growls. He’s clearly losing it. I’ve never seen him act like this before. “Suzy’s my girlfriend. So hands off. I don’t want to see you near her again. Understand? Now get back to work before I get you fired.
What the hell? Would he seriously try and get Ryan the sack? That’s so unfair. You don’t do that to your friends. Okay, I know they’re not friends but Ryan is my friend, whatever he might think. And I’ll prove it to him. I don’t know how but I will.
“Excuse me,” I say. “I am not your property. You don’t say who I can and cannot talk to.”
Guy’s jaw drops. Well that told him. Now perhaps we can act like adults.
“Keep out of this,” Guy says. “This is between me and him.”
Forget the adult comment, clearly that’s not going to happen. Funny, isn’t it, how people don’t show their true colors until they’re in a confrontation?
“Oh no it isn’t. This is between you and me.” I’m so angry I wave my finger at him just like my dad does when he tells me off. “I’m sorry, Guy, I can’t go out with someone who thinks of me as one of his possessions. I’m a person in my own right. Which means I choose what I do and who I speak to.” I desist with the wagging finger and plant both hands on my hips.
“Even if it upsets the other person?” His anger lapses and a bewildered look clouds his face.
“I wouldn’t intentionally upset anyone,” I soften my voice. “I’m sorry if you got the wrong idea about me and Ryan. We’re friends and I was upset and he comforted me. That’s all.”
“Okay, I believe you,” Guy says, the bewildered look now gone. “Come on back inside and we’ll forget all about it.” Let’s not be too patronizing.
It hits me that something isn’t right. I don’t know whether it’s me or Guy or what. But things can’t continue.
“You know, Guy. I don’t belong here.” I make a rather grand gesture with my hand. I sure pick my moments for making a stand. What on earth is Lori going to say if suddenly I disappear? Actually maybe I won’t go down this road. “What I mean is, um—is—um. Oh shit. What the hell do I mean?”
“Suzy I’d rather you didn’t swear when we’re here. Someone might hear you.”
“Ah. That’s what I mean. Sorry Guy I can’t hack all this goody-goody stuff. I thought I could be like you and the others but I can’t. It’s not in my nature. I’m a rebel. Always have been. Always will be. You don’t want to go out with someone like me. If you spent time with the real me you’d be out the door faster than a speeding bullet.”
Yikes. I think I’m having one of those epiphany weird moment things. You know, when suddenly everything falls into place. What a laugh. I thought they were reserved for religious people. Mind you, the number of times I utter God I probably qualify by default.
“So, you don’t want to go out with me any more?”
“That’s about the size of it. Look I don’t want to spoil anyone’s evening. Go back inside and I’ll be in soon. We needn’t say anything to others. We can wait until school. You can say you finished with me.”
Guy glares at me then Ryan, then back at me again. “Whatever.” He turns and walks away.
Shit, I feel guilty.
Ryan and I stand in silence for what seems like ages but is probably only a couple of minutes.
“Well,” I finally say. “I’ve done it now. No turning back. I’m toast once Guy tells everyone I’m not who they think I am. Still, I suppose you’re pleased about that. I guess you think it serves me right.”
Ryan runs his fingers through his hair, a sure sign he’s thinking—well it always used to be.
“Of course I don’t. I might not like what you’ve done but that doesn’t mean I want you to suffer. Far from it.”
“I’m so sorry, Ryan. Believe me hurting you is the last thing I’d want to do.”
“Enough.” He holds up his hand to silence me. “We’re cool. And it will work out with your friends. It’s good they get to know the real you. Anyway, whatever Guy says I don’t think they’ll get it. It’s hard for someone to believe you’re really someone else when all they’ve seen is the person you’ve pretended to be. When they see the old you they’ll realize.”
“You mean I’ve got a stay of execution, then?” I laugh. But it’s half-hearted as thoughts of Rosie and my parents flood my mind. “In all this I’d forgotten about Mom and Dad. They’re going to be so disappointed in me. Again.”
“Why?”
“Try because I did this for them. I can’t bring Rosie back. God knows I would if I could. But by being like her, doing well at school, hanging out with the in crowd it was like I could bring some of Rosie back to them and I—”
“Suzy, stop.” The firmness of his voice stops me in my tracks. “Your parents wouldn’t want you living a life like Rosie’s just to make them feel better. Where’s the sense in that? They’ve lost one daughter, would they really want the other daughter to be unhappy and stifled for the rest of her life? Of course not.”
“Not consciously maybe. But deep down they might. Deep down they’re probably thinking the wrong daughter died. Especially with what happened afterwards.”
“What happened afterwards?”
I bow my head and rest it in my hand. “You don’t want to know. You really don’t.” My knees sort of give way and Ryan reaches for my arm. How feeble does that make me?
“Come on,” he says leading me to a wrought iron bench. “Take some slow deep breaths. You’ve got a lot of stuff pent up in there.”
“I think you’ve been watching too much Dr Phil.” A half-smile tugs at my lips. We both sit down on the bench and I do as he says. It does make me feel a bit better.
“Come on. Tell me what happened. It can’t be that bad.”
I take a long slow breath. “Okay. You asked for it.” I swallow hard. “Rosie dying sent me into a tailspin. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t talk to anyone—even Maddie. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t do anything. It was my fault, you see—”
“It wasn’t. I’ve already told you that—” I hold up my hand to silence him.
“Please, Ryan. Let me finish.”
“Sorry.” He rests his hand on top of mine. But I pull it away.
“Like I said. When Rosie died I couldn’t hack it. I totally lost the plot. Went on bender after bender. Most of it’s a blur until after I got arrested for causing a public nuisance.”
“What were you doing?” His voice isn’t sounding so gentle anymore. I knew this would happen.
“Let’s just say my clothes and I parted company and the people visiting Rydale Fountain might think twice before visiting again for their family vacation.” The thought of it makes me feel sick. Even though I can’t remember much about the whole thing.
“Were you on your own?”
“No. At first a girl called Lucy from school was with me. She took off when the police arrived. Not that I blame her. Who wouldn’t in the same situation? I often wonder what happened to her. Anyway, Mom and Dad bailed me out. They said they understood. But I heard them talking. I heard Mom say, ‘why can’t she be more like Rosie?’. So, I’m not making it up about the wrong daughter dying. Am I?” I lean forward and wrap my arms around my knees and wait for Ryan’s rebuff.
“Suzy, you’re wrong. What you heard, it’s just what any parent might say. All parents want their children to be good. They didn’t actually say it to you, though, did they?”
“What difference does that make?” He’s annoying me now. Why won’t he listen to what I’m saying?
“It’s like how you might moan about Maddie sometimes. You just say it. But that doesn’t mean you wish she wasn’t there, or that you think any less of her. You must understand that.”
I stand up from the bench and walk over to the wall. I lean against it and wrap my arms around me. This is too hard. What if Ryan’s right? What if everything I’ve done has just been a waste of time?
Nah. He’s wrong. I know my parents don’t want me to be how I was. And they definitely want me to be more like Rosie. Who wouldn’t want their daughter to get top marks and do well? It’s only natural.
“Ryan, you might be right about them not wanting me to die instead of Rosie. But I’m right in knowing they want me to be more like her. And I don’t care what you say, you won’t persuade me otherwise.”
He jumps up from the bench and walks over to where I’m leaning. He stands in front of me with his arms outstretched and his hands on the wall—one either side of me. He’s so close I can feel the warmth of his breath on my face.
“Suzy. What’s going on?” The sound of Lori’s irate voice makes me jump three feet into the air. Ryan’s arms drop to his side and he spins around to face her.
She storms over and positions herself in front of us with her hands on her hips.
“What do you mean?” I ask. Like I couldn’t guess.
“I’ve just been talking to Guy. He’s really upset. Muttering something about you totally losing it and not wanting to go out with him because you’re really a different person or something. Look, it’s nothing to do with me if you want to finish it. But why pick tonight? And
why make up something like that? And what,” she glares at Ryan, “are you doing with him?”
“God, Lori. You sound as bad as Guy. I’m not doing anything with Ryan. We’re just talking. It’s not a crime you know. I wish you’d all just leave me alone.”
“Fine, I will. If that’s what you want. And thanks for totally ruining my evening.”
Shit. What did I say that for? One day I’ll learn to keep my big mouth shut?
“Lori, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said.”
“Forget it. I’m going back inside.”
She marches off her arms swinging violently. I just wish this evening would hurry up and end.
“Now look what I’ve done. Things couldn’t get much worse if I tried,” I say to Ryan.
“I’m going home. No point in hanging around here.”
“I’ll take you,” Ryan replies.
“Why? After what I’ve done to you?”
“Suzy. Give it a rest.” He slides his hand into his pocket and pulls out some keys. “Here, go and sit in my car I’ll be out in thirty minutes.”