The Program

CHAPTER FIFTEEN




MY EYES FLUTTER OPEN, AND I COVER MY FACE with my forearm, blocking out the light from the overhead fluorescents. My head is pounding, feeling thick with sleep.

When the fog starts to clear, I look to my side table, and the clock reads almost ten. The room smells like toast, and I find the cart on the other side with a covered tray. The food is probably long cold by now. Why didn’t anyone wake me?

I slip on my robe, wondering where everyone is. I pause at my door, before going out into the hall. There’s a young nurse at the station typing on her computer, and from the leisure room I can hear the TV. Everything seems normal, and yet . . . I’m confused.

“Ah. You’re awake.”

I jump and turn to see Nurse Kell walking toward me from the other direction, smiling broadly. “You weren’t feeling well today, so we let you sleep in. Did you want me to get you a snack, honey?”

“Not feeling well?” I look down the hallway as Derek walks by, saluting me in greeting. “I’m . . .” Pushing my hair away from my face, I think back to yesterday. But I can’t find anything there. “What day is it?” I ask.

Nurse Kell smiles like the question isn’t even odd. “It’s Saturday. And the sun is finally out if you’d like to go out to the garden.”

“What?” I’m stunned by her statement, never having been let outside before. Saturday? “It’s Friday, isn’t it?” I’m sure it’s Friday.

“No, honey. But you were running a fever yesterday, and we had to medicate you. So I’m not surprised you don’t remember.”

My mind starts to race then, and I know that they’ve done something to my memory. I keep my face calm, but Nurse Kell can see what I’m thinking. I want to scream. I want to punch her. I want them out of my head. What did they erase this time? Whatever it is, it wasn’t theirs to take.

“Where’s Realm?” I ask.

“He’s playing cards in the other room.” She brushes my hair off my shoulder, her face a portrait of concern. “You go see him, and I’ll get you some clean clothes for your shower. You should really take it easy today.”

I want to slap her hand away from me, but instead I just turn and hurry toward the leisure room. When I get inside, Realm immediately looks up, smiling around the pretzel cigar in his mouth. “Hey, sweetness. Didn’t think you’d ever get up.”

“I need to talk to you,” I say, shifting uneasily from foot to foot. Realm’s face drops, and he yanks out the pretzel and tosses down his cards.

“Hey!” Shep calls, but Realm is stalking toward me. He takes my arm, lowering his head.

“What is it? Are you okay?” he whispers, studying my eyes.

I cling to Realm, pressing my face against his chest. “They did something to me,” I say. His body is stiff at first, but then he relaxes around me, gently stroking my hair.

“How so?”

“I can’t remember yesterday. A whole day! They won’t leave me alone,” I tell him, and I feel the tears wet on my cheek, on his shirt.

“Sloane, you were sick. Why do you think they did something to you?”

“I just know.” I knot my hands in the back of Realm’s shirt, keeping him there, not caring as his friends call out to us—telling us to get a room. Not caring that I can feel the stares of the nurses. Nobody breaks us up, though, and Realm wipes my tears with his thumbs.

“Want to go outside?” he asks, a small smile on his face. “They told me you earned some garden time.”

“Why?”

“For being a good girl.” He grins. “Kidding. You’re getting close to release time. Everyone gets to go out when that happens.”

“Not you.”

Realm looks away.

“Wait,” I say. “You could go outside all this time?”

He nods, and I scoff. “Well, why haven’t you?” I ask. “You should be getting fresh air, not be trapped in here.”

“I was waiting for you,” he says with a shrug.

A smile pulls at my lips as I think Realm’s entirely sweet. That he cares about me. “You’re an idiot,” I say. “But that’s what I like about you.” The thought of actual sunlight fills me with so much hope that I jog toward my room to get into fresh scrubs. I’m going outside.

• • •

“This is really beautiful,” I say as we walk down the rows of flowers. The gravel pathway crunches under my sneakers, and in the light, true sunlight, Realm’s black hair is a sharp contrast to his skin. I think he’d look better as a blond.

“Hold hands?” he asks.

“No, I like my freedom,” I say absently, looking over the expansive lawn. I wonder if I could escape, but I see a tall iron fence just beyond the neat row of trees. My heart sinks just a little.

Realm is kicking at the rocks as we walk, and he seems down. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

He looks at me, startled. “Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about when I’m out.”

“Soon.”

He nods. “Yep.” He turns to me then, stopping me in the path. “What are you going to do when you’re out, Sloane? Who’s the first person you want to see?” He smiles then, that adorable smile that makes me feel like we’re sharing secrets. Only out here it doesn’t seem so infectious.

I’m not sure how to answer because when I think of home, all I can see are my parents. A few random faces pop up, but they’re just classmates, none of them my friends. The loneliness once again overwhelms me, and I stagger back. Realm catches my arm and straightens me.

“Hey,” he says. “You okay? Did you remember something?”

“No,” I whisper. “And that’s the problem. I don’t remember anything anymore.”

Realm meets my eyes. “Do you remember me?”

“Of course. But I don’t know if they’re going to take you, too.”

“They won’t.”

I watch as he lowers his head, the black hair dye too dark—fake. “How do you know?” I ask. His throat clicks as he swallows, but then he glances up, smiling.

“Because you couldn’t forget me, Sloane. I’m way too awesome.”

I laugh, but it’s out of obligation. His joke doesn’t cheer me up or set me at ease. I don’t like the way he looks in the light. Everything around me is too sharply focused. I motion back toward the building.

“I want to go inside,” I say, turning and heading back. Realm runs to catch up with me, surprised, I’m sure.

“Sloane,” he asks carefully. “Are you mad at me?”

I furrow my brow. “No. Why do you ask?”

“You just don’t seem to like me anymore.”

I consider taking his hand then, but I don’t. I keep walking, and he falls behind a little. I have no idea how to explain to Realm that, in the light, he’s not what I thought he was. That I do feel different today. About him. About everything. I’m not quite sure why, but more than ever I’m desperate to go home. I’m going to play this game, beat The Program. I’m going to get out of here.

• • •

Realm is practically glued to my side at lunch. Under the harsh fluorescents, he looks more himself. And yet, I sense that something is off. Every time he touches my arm, or tries to take my hand, I shrink away. He doesn’t ask again if I like him, but I see the question in his eyes.

I leave him and decide to take a long shower, the nurses allowing it although one of them stays in the bathroom with me. I must be in there almost a half hour because my skin is pruned and I’m exhausted from the heat. Everything about today is wrong, my new freedom, my changed feelings. I almost skip dinner, but I’m hungry so I go downstairs.

At the last minute I decide to sit with Tabitha, ignoring Realm as he waits at our table. I can’t make sense of my emotions, of how I want to stay away from my only real friend.

“So are you and Realm, like, broken up?” Tabitha asks, poking her spork into her cube steak. Her hair is a shiny brunette, the red long gone. She hardly looks like the same person, but she seems healthier. Even her short-term memory seems restored.

“We weren’t dating,” I say, not glancing up.

“Yeah, right. He follows you around like a puppy, and you don’t seem to mind.” She pauses and smiles. “So can I take a shot at him?”

There’s a turn in my stomach, and I’m not sure if it’s jealousy or some sort of worry. “Go ahead, but he leaves in less than a week. Quick romance.”

“I’m just looking to have sex.”

I laugh and look up at her, but she just grins at me. “I knew that would get your attention.”

“I hope you’re kidding.” I’m still smiling as I put a green bean in my mouth. Tabitha stares past me at Realm, making kissy faces to his back as he faces away. Something about this moment is authentic, and I like it. “Hey,” I ask her. “Want to play cards with us later?”

Tabitha beams. “Seriously? You’re inviting me to hang with the cool kids?” She’s trying to sound sarcastic, but her expression tells me she’s thrilled to be included.

“You are hereby inducted into the club,” I say. And then just to make it official we cheers our cartons of milk.