The Lightkeeper's Wife

28



Sunday morning, Mary was staring at the bathroom mirror when she heard banging in the kitchen, as if someone was going through the cupboards. She stiffened, listening for a voice she might recognise.

Then she remembered. Of course; Jacinta was here. And Alex. They’d arrived early this morning, enthusiastic about the trip. She sighed, wiping the corners of her mouth with a tissue. She’d forgotten they were going to the lighthouse. They’d discussed it last weekend. And perhaps she had mentioned it to Leon. But she’d lost the thread of things somehow.

She ought to be excited about this excursion. For days, she’d been manoeuvring to make it happen. It was the last tick on her list of tributes to Jack. When it was done, she would feel she had atoned for her mistakes in some way. Her duty would be finished. But she was tired, so tired.

She finished in the bathroom and shuffled to the bedroom where she gazed vacantly at her suitcase. She kept forgetting things, finding herself in the middle of a room wondering what she was meant to do. Wasn’t there something she had to attend to? Yes. She needed warm clothes. She gazed into the jumble of underwear, unpaired socks, rumpled shirts and trousers. She couldn’t even maintain a tidy drawer anymore. She fumbled through her clothes until she found what she needed. But wasn’t there something else she ought to remember? Something else she must do?

Yes. A letter—hidden in the side pocket. She tugged the envelope out with clumsy fingers and turned it over three times before sliding it carefully back in. Hadn’t she’d made the decision to dispose of it days ago? Or was it only yesterday? Time had warped recently and she couldn’t find logic in its fragments anymore. Tonight, when Alex and Jacinta had gone, she would burn the letter and be done with it.

‘Nana?’ Jacinta was at the door. ‘Are you ready?’

‘Yes . . . yes.’ She looked up unsteadily.

Alex smiled at her as she hobbled into the living area with a bundle of clothing. ‘Are you off to Antarctica?’ he asked.

‘There’s a sou’westerly today,’ she said. ‘It cuts right through you.’

This morning before they arrived, she’d sat by the window watching the wind straining up over the dunes and flailing the shrubs, flicking upward sprays of spume off the waves. Wind like that was the breath of ice.

Now she moved towards the door, but Jacinta grasped her arm gently. ‘I’m not sure we should go, Nana. You’re not looking well, and if you catch cold, you could die of pneumonia. I’d never forgive myself.’

Mary was alarmed. There was no option. They had to make this trip today. ‘I’ll be fine,’ she said, summoning a persuasive smile. ‘I haven’t been sleeping well, that’s all.’

‘But it’s so exposed at the lighthouse. I don’t want to take you out in the cold.’

‘This is what I want, Jacinta. It’s important to me.’ Mary could sense her granddaughter’s indecision so she pressed her advantage. ‘If my cough gets out of hand then I’ll let you bring me home.’

‘Do you promise you’ll tell me if you’re feeling unwell?’

‘I promise.’

‘All right then.’

Alex took her clothes and put them in the car. When everything was packed, he helped her into the front seat.

They scaled the dunes and whizzed along the flat beach as if it was a highway.

‘How fast are we going?’ Mary croaked. She hadn’t left the cabin since the scout camp last weekend, and the speed triggered somersaults in her chest.

‘Only forty k’s an hour,’ Alex said. ‘Is it too fast for you?’

‘No,’ she lied. ‘It’s fine.’

She reminded herself that, despite her agitation, it was a grand day to be out. The sky was patchy with clouds and Pacific gulls lifted at the car’s approach and wafted overhead.

Halfway down the beach they passed a man and woman walking. They were young and they stared at Mary without smiling. She knew the car was an intrusion in such a beautiful place. When she was young, she’d have been mortified to see a vehicle here. Jack would have called it an abomination. He had always been a traditionalist.

She glanced back along the beach and was startled to see herself walking there on the sand with Jack—his tall shape and her impatient strong legs. Yes, there they were, walking fast together to the end of the beach. To Cloudy Corner. In the campground, they’d drop their packs and climb the headland to search for sea eagles and smell the cold air. They would embrace up there. Kiss and hold each other close. Young bodies straining tight.

She heard Alex talking and she turned to gaze into his expectant face. He smiled at her as he swung the car up off the beach and onto the road. ‘So what do you think?’ he said.

‘About what?’ Mary was lost.

‘About Tom meeting a girl.’

‘. . . he’s met a girl, has he?’

‘Yes,’ Jacinta said from the back. ‘He said he told you about her.’

Mary struggled to catch the slipping edge of a memory. Had Tom said he’d met someone? ‘How are they going?’ she asked.

‘Well, I think,’ Jacinta said. ‘He seems happy.’

Good. It was time for Tom to be happy. Mary looked away, trying to hide her uneasiness. Hadn’t she noticed Tom was happier? She ought to have seen that.

‘He said he might go south again,’ Jacinta added. ‘And that you were pleased. He said you encouraged him.’

Was it really a good idea for Tom to go south again?

‘He’s hoping to work with this girl,’ Jacinta continued. ‘Emma.’

Emma. She did remember something about that name. ‘What about Jess?’ Mary asked.

‘If he goes, I’ll look after her.’

The road was turning towards the old farm, and Mary could see the tall white trees down by the stream. She remembered how she used to love standing beneath them in a strong wind, listening to the long strips of bark slapping against the trunks. Smiling, she closed her eyes, imagining herself as a girl again, milking cows in a shed that was no longer there. She saw herself up a ladder picking apples; in the paddock raking silage; standing in the shed where she’d met Jack, straining to see his face in the shadows.

At Lunawanna, Jacinta suggested stopping for coffee, but Mary wanted to keep going, so they drove past the shop onto the lighthouse road. These days the road was well graded with only a few potholes and corrugations, and it curved past houses and shacks overlooking the still waters of the channel. Beyond lay rough farmland dotted with bracken and tussock grass. They drove through stringybark forest, passing fences and gates and No Trespassing signs. It was drier here than at Cloudy Bay. Soon the shining mirror of Cloudy Lagoon appeared close beside the road. It was vast, edged with mudflats, and a breeze rippled across its surface.

When they finally came to the National Park, Mary was already tired. They stopped to collect an envelope at the pay station and then drove on through forest and roadside bracken. As they rounded a corner, a break in the trees revealed the view over the heath to the lighthouse. Alex stopped the car and turned off the engine and they sat in silence watching cloud shadows sliding across the terrain. The lighthouse stood white on the cape, unchanged. Below, on the leeside of the hill, tucked away from the prevailing winds, were the two keepers’ cottages and the sheds. Waves were washing steadily into Lighthouse Bay and frothy skirts of foam laced the rocks.

Looking across to the lighthouse from the depths of the forest, it seemed to Mary as if she was looking back over her life to a place she didn’t know anymore. Today could be yesterday, or it could be twenty, thirty, forty years ago. It was even possible when they arrived at the keeper’s cottage that her younger self might come out to greet them. Or that Jack might emerge from the shed with a tool in his hand. Or maybe it would be Rose with her sly smile and threatening eyes at the cottage door, offering her hand as if she was a friend. Tom might even be there—a scruffy windswept boy, running up the track from the beach.

They drove on through twisted banksias and short, spreading rough-barked eucalypts. In the lower carpark just outside the lighthouse reserve, Alex stopped the car again and they all sat for a moment, staring up the hill. The gate was open.

‘I think it’s all right to drive in,’ he said. ‘The sign says it’s okay till four thirty.’ He put the car in gear.

‘Wait here a minute,’ Jacinta said, opening her door. ‘I’ll run up and speak to the caretaker.’

She was gone for several minutes and Mary took the opportunity to lean back and close her eyes. Memory lurked beneath her eyelids. She could see herself in the keeper’s cottage right now, listening to the wind fetching up under the eaves and scuffing the windows. If she concentrated she could almost hear Jack hammering away at something in the shed. Tom whistling somewhere up on the hill. The pony snorting in the paddock.

Jacinta returned with a smile almost as wide as her face. ‘I’ve got the keys to the lighthouse,’ she cried, jingling them above her head. ‘Don’t get out. They’re going to let us drive right to the top.’

As they drove up the road, Mary saw a lady waiting for them near the cottages. She was middle-aged and dark-haired, weathered. Alex lowered the electric window and the lady reached in to shake Mary’s hand.

‘Hello, Mrs Mason. I’m Diane.’ Her smile was warm. ‘Would you like to come in for a cuppa? I’ve got the kettle on.’

Mary hesitated, shaken. This woman could have been her, forty years ago. ‘Thank you. But not just now . . . Perhaps after.’

‘I’d love to talk,’ Diane said, still holding her hand. ‘It’s a shame you haven’t come before. You’ve always been welcome.’

Mary released her hand to cover a rising cough, aware that everyone was watching her. ‘Sometimes it’s hard to come back,’ she said, smiling wearily at Diane. ‘It’s not quite the same.’

‘Well, maybe another time . . .’

Mary could see herself in the caretaker’s gentle nod and her far-reaching eyes. ‘Your family?’ she asked.

‘All gone now,’ Diane said. ‘We schooled them here by correspondence until high school. Same as you.’

‘Yes.’ Mary said, remembering. The children and the books. The gloomy daytime light in the cottage. Then the children gone. The quiet in the house. The wind eating at the walls.

‘You’ll see the light hasn’t changed,’ Diane was saying. ‘My husband Tony does the upkeep. But it’s years now since she was lit. There’s still a lot of work to do, of course. Tony maintains the site and I look after the cottage. It’s different now, with all the visitors, but we still love living here.’

Mary felt tears welling. Ridiculous. A few kind words, a sliver of memory, and here she was on the verge of crying. She squeezed Diane’s hand to thank her. Then she nodded to Alex and they drove on up the road, past the large new sheds and around the sweeping curve to the top of the hill.

At the foot of the lighthouse, Jacinta helped her out into the chill wind and they walked around the tower to the lookout. The engine room was gone now from the base of the lighthouse—only a slab of cracked concrete remained. But the view was marvellously constant. Exactly as it had been the last time she stood here. Courts Island wasn’t visible—you had to descend the rough four-wheel-drive track to see it, a feat she wasn’t capable of today. And she couldn’t see the sea stacks to the south as they were visible only on the clearest of days. But the heaving sea was miraculously eternal. Its colour might change, and its texture and the direction of its seething whitecaps. Reassuringly though, it would go on forever, rolling and rising and driving towards shore. It soothed her to think of the ocean through time: the predictability of the tides, the endless renewal of waves. When she was gone, the sea would not change, and the land would continue to lean into its thrust. It steadied her to think of this.

When she started to shiver in the wind, Jacinta took her elbow and guided her back around the tower. Alex had already unlocked the lighthouse door and was holding it open for them. They passed through into the hush of the tower, their footsteps echoing. Alex closed the door and all was quiet.

Above, the shadowy spiral staircase wound upwards. In the light chamber, the curtains would be drawn. It used to be Jack’s job each night to open the curtains and start the light; at dawn, he’d be up there to turn it off and close the curtains again. Every day, weather permitting, he’d go out on the high balcony and up onto the rim to clean the windows, rubbing off the salt smears.

She’d love to contemplate the cape from that elevated platform where the light used to wink out over the sea, but she didn’t need to go up there. The tower was already dense with memories for her. And she didn’t require the view to remember all that had taken place here; she could still see Jack’s shadow in the lantern room and hear his voice echoing and rolling around the stone walls. She drew breath to explain all this to Jacinta and Alex, but as she gazed upwards a wave of emotion collapsed over her. Then dizziness. She was whirling in slow motion, on the brink of unconsciousness.

Strong arms grasped her. Then everything darkened.


She was lying on the concrete floor. Cold and winded. Breathless. Her body was light and then heavy. Her heart was flipping. The floor was freezing against her cheek. She was struggling against blackness.

She felt hands stroking her face. Soft warm hands, Jacinta’s fingers flying like butterflies over her skin. Her granddaughter’s face slipped from light to shade, light to shade.

It was cold in the tower. So cold. She could see the bottom of the lighthouse stairs, blurry, not far from her face. She blinked upwards. The stairs spiralled above her like a lazy snail shell. And the light was blinking again. Light and shade. Light and shade. Darkness. Humming. A cough racked.

‘What happened?’ The voice was faint.

‘I don’t know. We’ll have to carry her back to the car.’

Someone was crying. The voices were far away. Tinged with humming and flashes of light. Like the tower at night. Sooner or later it would stop.

There was Jack’s voice, furry around the edges. He was looking after her. She could feel him close. His arms lifted her and crushed her face against his chest. She could smell the warm male scent of him. She could feel the protection of his arms. She felt air rustling somewhere. Fluid gurgled.

‘Her lungs are rattling.’

The voice boomed. Her head was held close. Flashes of coloured light, green, red, purest white. Jack was warm and near. She could die like this.

Then she was moving and there was bright light in her face, a rush of cold air. Jack was bending over her, folding his long straight back in two to reach her, a smile on his face to show he forgave her for everything. Those blue eyes. But now the shadows were eating him. They were mottling his face, erasing his eyes. He was nothing but mist again. Foggy.

She was aware of a roof closing over her, a seat to lean against. She was in the back of the car and Alex was frowning down at her.

‘Is there an ambulance here?’ he was saying. ‘A doctor? A hospital? Is there anything on this island?’

And then, Jacinta’s voice: ‘I don’t know. We can ask the caretaker’s wife.’

‘She should be in hospital where they can look after her.’

Mary struggled to form words. ‘No hospitals. Take me to the cabin.’

Jacinta climbed in beside her, face pale and lined with tears. ‘What was that, Nana? Can you hear me?’

‘Yes, I can hear you.’ Her vision was stabilising. The flashing had stopped. The humming dissipated.

‘What happened? Are you all right?’

‘I had a turn.’ Her voice was quavering. ‘But I’ll be fine. Take me back to Cloudy Bay.’

‘We should go to hospital,’ Jacinta suggested. ‘It’s for the best.’

‘I don’t want to die in hospital.’

Jacinta was torn. She looked to Alex.

He shrugged. ‘I think we should go to Hobart.’

‘No. Not Hobart.’ Mary clutched Jacinta anxiously. ‘I know what I want.’

Alex looked at her. ‘Well then.’ His voice was heavy. ‘I suppose we go to Cloudy Bay . . .’

He started the car and they eased slowly down the hill, stopping by the cottages while Jacinta returned the keys. Then she was back in the car, leaning forward to talk to Alex.

‘There’s no doctor on the island,’ she said quietly. ‘We’d have to drive to Hobart, or have her airlifted out. They can land a helicopter here.’

‘No hospitals,’ Mary asserted again. She was still shaking with after-reaction.

Jacinta took her hand and stroked her with gentle fingers. ‘It’s all right, Nana. We’ll take you to Cloudy Bay. I promise we’ll do what you say. Now, you rest while we drive home. Alex and I will take care of you.’

Mary sagged against her granddaughter, weak and exhausted. They drove through the gate and up the road. The thrum of the wheels on the gravel lulled her; the soothing shift and sway as they took the corners. She fought to keep her eyes open as the car crossed the heath. Then they were climbing the hill. Soon they’d be at the viewpoint—her last glimpse of the cape, her last view of the lighthouse. But fatigue washed over her and her eyelids slid down. She was riding on a tide that was carrying her elsewhere, back into memory, returning to Jack . . .


It was dark now and she couldn’t see. She was on the cape and everything was black, even the tower. Why wasn’t the light flashing? Jack had never forgotten it. The sea was roaring too. She could hear it. The cliffs must be nearer than she’d thought. Or was it rain on the roof? Another storm coming in? Storms came so quickly here, rushing across the sea from the south. If the light wasn’t stone buried in stone, it’d be blown across the cape, shattered into pieces. Such winds they had on the cape. The children would be frightened in such a storm. There was thunder, and flashes of light. Mary hoped she could get the pony in the shed before the storm came. She didn’t want to live through another storm like the last one.

And finally Rose was there. Yes. Mary had known she would come.

She was waiting in the doorway of the keeper’s cottage, claiming Mary’s territory, her face smug. Mary felt a twinge of anger. Now she was home from hospital, Rose would have to pack and be gone. She’d have to go back to the farm, back to her selfish, sedentary life.

But Rose’s face was sliding inwards, rippling like smoke. Oh, how Mary wanted to wipe that smile away—that sly, self-aware smile, slightly mocking. Rose had seen the limp, despite Mary’s struggle to hide it. Ten weeks of recovery and rehabilitation and now Mary’s homecoming was flattened. Rose’s smile was triumphant—she thought she could prolong her stay.

‘Jack’s up at the lighthouse.’ Rose’s voice warped and flexed. ‘We didn’t know when to expect you.’

We, as if she was the mistress of the house.

Mary felt an ache at the site of the fracture. Her leg was heavy with the memory of plaster. She’d been so hopeful when they cut the cast away, but what they gave her back was not her leg. It was a shrivelled pale thing, useless without a crutch. She thought she’d be going home immediately, but it was another four weeks before they’d let her go.

‘Where are my children?’ Her voice echoed down the empty hallway. The worn lino of the keeper’s cottage. Her house.

‘Doing their lessons.’ Rose’s face contorted with derision. ‘Their schoolwork is important.’ Rose was sneering at the leg as if she could see through Mary’s trousers to the sallow skin, the itchy flaking redness, the wasted muscles. ‘You’re limping.’ Rose’s eyes were dark holes. ‘I hope you haven’t returned too soon. We haven’t time to nurse you.’

That we again. Mary tried to push her aside, but her hands dissolved through Rose as if she was made of air. Wind gushed. When Mary turned, Rose was gone.

She limped down the hallway. There was the sound of chairs scraping in the kitchen. Footsteps running. The children. But they were mirage-like, ghostly, running by her, through the wooden door.

And now she was in the kitchen. Condensation was wet on the windows. The kettle steaming on the stove. Mist billowing over the cape. Wind whistling under the window.

She heard the bang of the cottage door opening. Jack’s footsteps, strong and heavy down the hall. He swung into the kitchen, his arranged smile turning crooked on his face. He seemed taller than she remembered. Thinner.

He went to the window and gazed up the hill. Mary followed his eyes. There was Rose, standing beside the light tower, her coat flapping in the wind.

‘She’s welcome to have tea with us,’ Mary said.

‘She didn’t want to interrupt your homecoming.’ Jack spoke without looking at her. His voice was strangled and strange.

‘And what about you?’

He glanced at her, frosty. ‘I’m glad you’re back, Mary.’

She poured tea—thick black stuff that oozed from the kettle like treacle. His large hands encircled the cup. Hands that had touched her skin in intimacy, the long brown fingers toughened by wind and work.

She placed her hand on his arm. It was hard as wood. She had to draw him from the window, away from Rose’s magnetic silhouette by the tower.

In the lounge room, flames danced in the heater, green and orange, licking at the briquettes. He leaned against the mantelpiece, staring at nothing, eyes wild. ‘Rose stays till you can climb the stairs.’ His voice was gravelly, harsh. Then he walked out through the wall, his body melting through stone.

Up the hill, Rose was still standing by the tower, her outline flickering like the flames.

Mary raced to the kitchen, clattering her cup into the sink. She grabbed two tea towels from the drying rack, and tucked them in her pocket. At the front door, she tugged on her coat. Her heart was thudding.

Outside, boiling cloud dissolved to a rare day of blue. She could feel the chill freshness of the air. The silvery ripple of the wind. Smell the close-clipped grass. To the west, across the channel, the mountains dimpled up and down in a cloak of purplish-blue. And now she could see the cliffs of Cape Bruny, hunched in shadow. Her heart racketed as she turned the handle of the lighthouse door and pushed it open.

Inside, the air was still and cold. Above, the staircase rose in a spiral of seventy-eight steps. She could hear murmuring voices. They were up there together, Jack and Rose. Talking. What were they doing? Access was restricted; only keepers on duty. Jack knew the rules. So did Rose. Mary only came up here when Jack was ill.

She tied the tea towels over her shoes in rough knots. Her coat was on the floor like a great black bear sleeping. Then she started up the staircase, measuring each step with her breaths. Breathing in. Breathing out. The air rasping in her lungs. Such slow breaths. Each inhalation an effort.

The stairwell darkened. Clouds were scudding outside again. The dim light shivered. Was it dusk now? Or the darkness of a storm? The wind was scraping, rustling, gurgling. The effort of climbing was too hard. There was no air.

Rose’s face melted across her vision, swimming in and out of focus. She struggled to concentrate on the climb. To breathe. She was making progress up the stairs. The platform must be coming.

One slow revolution of the snail shell. Two.

The stairs spiralled up and away. She tried to steady her breathing so as not to warn them. They had underestimated her. She would confront them. And Rose would have to go home.

The spiral narrowed at last.

Above, a dome of stars—the pinprick silver lights of the Milky Way. There was darkness outside the tower. Night black. Then suddenly the light ignited, a bright flare of whiteness slashing the night.

Up on the platform, two figures. Tall. Enmeshed.

The light revolved and flashed. There they were, Jack and Rose, gripped in an embrace.

Then there was darkness. The light extinguished. Everything collapsing. Her scaffolding was gone. A cry, the whoosh of air escaping.

She had fallen from the cliffs again. Only this time there was no ledge to stop her fall.