The Cold Nowhere

15

‘Why do you carry a knife, Cat?’

‘It makes me feel strong.’

‘Your father carried a knife. Was he strong?’

‘Yes.’

‘Did he love you?’

‘Yes.’

‘And yet he did a terrible thing.’

‘Yes, he did.’

‘He killed your mother, and then he killed himself.’

‘That’s what people say.’

‘You don’t believe it? You were there.’

‘I – I don’t know.’

‘You still dream about it.’

‘Yes.’

‘What is it that bothers you most?’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘Well, does it bother you that your father killed your mother? Or that he left you alone by killing himself, too?’

‘I –’

‘Do you think he would have killed you, too? If he’d found you?’

‘I – I don’t …’

‘What is it, Cat? Talk to me.’

‘It’s hot in here.’

‘Do you think your father planned to kill you, too?’

‘Sometimes I wish he had.’

‘Why?’

‘Look at my life. Look at what I do.’

‘Are you ashamed of what you do?’

‘Yes.’

‘How many men have you had sex with?’

‘Um, I think, maybe twenty. Or more. I don’t count.’

‘For money.’

‘Yes.’

‘All of these men were older than you.’

‘Yes.’

‘Were some of them as old as your father?’

‘Yes.’

‘Did you hate them?’

‘I suppose so.’

‘Did you want to kill them?’

‘Sometimes.’

‘Why didn’t you? You had the knife.’

‘I – I thought about …’

‘You thought about it? You thought about murdering them.’

‘Yes.’

‘It would have felt good.’

‘Yes.’

‘Is sex a violent act for you?’

‘I don’t know. I guess.’

‘Are there any sexual acts you won’t do?’

‘No.’

‘None at all?’

‘No.’

‘Do you think you could kill someone?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘If you carry a knife, you must think you could use it.’

‘Please. It’s hot in here.’

‘I’ll open a window.’