The Beginning of After

Chapter Twenty-seven



We live in troubled times, to be sure.

What the hell was that? It had just come out, and now that it was on my computer screen it only made me want to slap myself.

I’d come home straight from school on Wednesday to work on my essay, the clock counting down the final thirty-six hours until I had to submit my application to Yale. Really, I had backed myself further into a corner by deciding I wouldn’t mention my family in any way.

The weekend with David, the afternoon with Mr. Kaufman. I couldn’t process any of it into something I could write about.

Nana kept coming into the den with a can of Pledge and a rag, pretending to dust, but I knew she was checking up on me. She’d already found out that straight-up asking “How’s it going?” did not get a good response.

The blank computer screen was taunting me, the blinking cursor daring me to think up something meaningful and honest.

Suddenly, there was a noise from upstairs.

Bump. Clang.

A low screech, and then a loud bark.

In about two seconds I ran from the den, my heart pounding, afraid of what I’d find.

Sure enough, Toby’s door was open. Masher crouched on the floor with his tail thumping, only his body visible because he’d jammed his head underneath the bed. Bits of fur floated through the air.

“Masher!” I yelled. Another screech and now a hiss from under the bed. He barked in response, and it wasn’t his usual bark. This one was from the gut, all primal.

I clapped my hands twice and called his name again, with no results. Then I dropped to the ground and reached under the bed until I felt his collar, and tugged hard. He whined, and I knew I was probably hurting him.

After dragging Masher out of the room, I shut the door, making sure the doorknob clicked.

“Bad dog!” I shouted.

“Forget to close the door all the way?” called Nana from downstairs, like she’d been waiting for that exact thing to happen.

“I’ve got it under control!” I called back.

I turned to Masher, who looked at me with irritation. I’d denied him some basic dog right.

“You can’t just do that!” I yelled, swatting his muzzle lightly with the back of my hand. “This is not your house!” I took another breath and blurted out, “You’re here because your owner is a crazy loser who doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life!”

Now he seemed bemused, like he knew better and I should too.

Did David teach you that look, or the other way around?

I grabbed Masher’s collar again and pulled him into the bathroom, which I knew he hated. The toilet ran nonstop, and he always barked at the sound of it. I closed the door and went to check on the cats.

None of them were hurt, but Lucky seemed nervous. I lay down on Toby’s bed and she hopped up onto the end of it, looking at me quizzically from above my toes.

“I know,” I said to her. “I know.”

Her eyes narrowed into smiling slits, and I realized she hadn’t been nervous for herself or her kittens. She’d been nervous for me, what with all my yelling.

“Oh, I’m fine,” I said. She stepped onto my leg and walked up the length of my body, not losing her balance for an instant, and poked her head into my armpit.

I stayed there for a while, petting her, and then it came to me.

I would write my essay about the cats and Dr. B and Eve and the different ways something could be hurt and healed, and what I’d learned from that. I didn’t have to mention my family outright, but they would be there, between the lines. So I went downstairs and sat at the computer.

Lucky the cat is blinking at me with trusting yellow eyes.

The rest of it came out so fast, I had a draft before dinner.


Almost as if he’d known what had happened with Masher, that night David answered my email.


laurel





thank you for writing. it’s good to know that you don’t hate me, at least not yet.





i’m in richmond, virginia. the band's got a ton of fans here.





this city has a lot of statues of confederate generals, which means i must really be in the south.





keep in touch,





david





Keep in touch.

I suddenly realized how annoying that expression was. Like, Now it’s your job to stay in contact with me. It said, I’m really just too lazy.

I started to write back, to keep in touch, but decided I’d be lazy as well.


On Thursday morning I woke up early, did a final pass on my essay, and submitted my application to Yale online with more than twelve hours to spare. Hopefully somewhere my father was saying, That’s my girl.

I gave myself a few minutes to feel relieved and proud, then for the tenth time, reread the text Joe had sent me.

sry i mizd u at d dance, hope ur ok.

It had been days and I still hadn’t seen him. I could have done the safe thing and texted him back, but I wanted to talk in real time, live. No backspace key.

I’d visited Mr. Kaufman. I’d finished my college application. I felt kind of invincible.

“Laurel!” Joe said when I called, sounding surprised in a good way.

“Thanks for your message. I’m sorry I missed you that night.”

“Me too,” he said. Then silence. He got stuck so easily with me now.

God, Joe! Talk to me! I’m just Laurel!

“I’ve done a couple of sketches,” I continued. “I’d like to show them to you so I know if I’m on the right track.”

“I’m sure you are, but yeah, let’s get together.” He paused, but I didn’t jump in. I’d done my part and it was his turn. “After school today? Are you working this afternoon? I don’t have to be at the theater until four thirty, and I usually go to the coffee place to do some homework first.”

“I usually show up at four, but I can be a little late. I’ll see you then!” And I hung up, trying not to think of David in the woods, but of Joe. Joe at the dance, dressed like a glorious freak as two different superheroes. In pieces of whatever costumes he could put together at the last minute because he’d decided to come looking for me.

I arrived at the coffee place before Joe and got my chai, then picked a sunny table in the front corner. My sketch pad was tiny compared to his; I preferred to draw out my scenery small first, so I could decide what the important elements were, then let it grow in my head to the point where I had to move to the large canvas.

When Joe walked in, we smiled easily at each other, and I just thought, Yes.

Here was someone who was talented and smart, sweet and sensitive. Undamaged. Normal.

I showed him a few of the sketches I’d done over the weekend, and he held up his caricatures next to them to see how well they fit. Two of them looked pretty cool. One was a little off, so I made some notes about how to fix that.

Joe glanced at the clock, so I said, “Do you need to get some homework done? I can take off.”

“I’ll do it on my break,” he answered quickly, shaking his head. “Here, I’ll walk you over to the vet’s.”

On our way down the sidewalk that would lead us to Ashland, Joe was quiet, and the comfortable feeling between us was gone. When we reached the hospital parking lot, he stopped and turned to me.

“Listen, Meg told me that you left the Halloween dance with David Kaufman. She seemed pretty upset about that.”

Well, yes. Clearly. So upset that she felt the need to tell Joe out of spite.

“Was that okay?” Joe continued. “I mean, it’s none of my business. But the last time he showed up at a party, things did not—”

“Go well?” I interrupted him, raising one eyebrow. “No, they didn’t.”

Joe laughed nervously.

“Things are fine now,” I said, and shrugged. “We’re taking care of his dog, some of his stuff. As a favor.” Using the word we made it seem more neighborly, less complicated.

I knew what Joe was asking. Was there anything going on between David Kaufman and me? There was no way I could answer that question.

The way Joe smiled now, relieved and protective, made me realize how much he really did like me. And how being with him made me feel the most like myself that I had in months.

But I had a question of my own. “Speaking of prom night . . .” I paused to take a deep breath, not looking at him. “When you invited me to the prom. Was that . . . was that something somebody set you up to do?”

Joe frowned, confused. “Like who?”

“I don’t know. Maybe Meg . . .” When I said it out loud it sounded so small and stupid, and I wished I hadn’t said it. “You have to understand that I would think about that. At the time, I didn’t want to know the answer. But now I do.”

Joe looked at me for just a second and had to flick his eyes away to some far corner of the sky. “No, nobody set me up to do that. But I will tell you that if what happened . . . your parents . . . if that hadn’t happened, I probably never would have gotten the nerve.” He paused, then looked at me briefly again. “I know that’s messed up. But I wanted to. I’d wanted to for a while.”

But inside, I started to feel so mad. If he’d just had the guts to ask me out when he first wanted to, maybe this part would have been long over by the time the accident happened. And maybe we could have been strong enough together—why wouldn’t we have been?—to survive those first hellish months afterward.

“You should have gotten up the nerve,” I finally said, trying to spin it with a smile.

“I know. I just kept telling myself I had time.”

“Life is short, Joe.”

A painful look crossed his face. After a few long seconds, he simply said, “You’ll be late for work, and I should get going.”

He bent toward me and tilted his head a bit to glance at me sideways, almost in admiration. Again, that halfway moment when something could happen. That now familiar feeling of More! More!

Suddenly, I was just so sick of it.

When Joe started to wrap his loose, lazy hug around me to say good-bye, I turned my face up and kissed him square on the mouth. Too quickly, like I’d smacked him. His lips weren’t ready and felt stiff, formal. They weren’t the lips I remembered, but then again, there had been other lips since. Was it that hard to keep track?

Joe turned red and sputtered, “Whoa.”

Then he smiled. So maybe these lips would stick around.

“I’ll see you soon,” I just said, then walked as fast as I could into work.