The Battered Heiress Blues

20





With Henry gone, a family meeting was called to discuss John’s cancer. One by one, we filed into the kitchen, leaving Mattie and Dog watching television in the family room. As we took our seats, Ms. Martin set out coffee service, cake, and a bowl of sliced fruit on the table. Though I longed for the cake, I knew that she meant for me alone to have the fruit.

John was looking more tired than usual. The whites of his eyes had become a pale yellow color like lemon curd. He had barely touched his Christmas dinner and I knew that the disease was waging a nasty war inside of him. Knowing that he wouldn’t be able to stomach the coffee, I quietly retrieved a glass of cold milk from the refrigerator along with a bottle of water for myself. He grabbed my hand as I placed the milk before him. He thanked me for looking after him. Acknowledging his kind words by stroking his arm, I waddled back to my own chair. Once seated, Tommy took the floor.

“Dad and I are leaving tomorrow to fly to Atlanta. The surgeon at Emory is expecting us in the afternoon to go over his surgery.”

“Someone needs to explain this Whipple procedure to me,” I demanded.

John responded before Tommy could speak for him again. He didn’t like the role of the sick person. My brother would have to tread carefully.

“The surgeon will remove the head of the pancreas, the distal stomach, gallbladder, common bile duct, duodenum, jejunum, and some surrounding lymph nodes,” my dad spoke calmly and efficiently.

“Well, you lost me after stomach,” I said smiling, trying to lighten the mood.

“Will you have to undergo chemotherapy?” asked Ms. Martin.

“I’m not certain of anything yet. The doctors in New York told me that there was no evidence that the tumor had metastasized, but that was two months ago. The doctors at Emory will do a PET scan the day after tomorrow to determine if that still holds true.”

“How long do you have to stay at Emory after the procedure?” I wondered.

“Patients usually stay about two weeks. I suppose it will depend on how things go in surgery and the results of the PET scan.”

“I’ll pack a bag tonight and come with you. I can rest there just as easily as I can here.”

“Julia, the hospital is no place for you, considering your condition. I appreciate the gesture, but you need to protect my grandbaby.”

“Don’t worry, Jewels, I’ve taken a leave of absence to be with Dad. He won’t be alone. I’ll keep you updated twice a day, okay?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Not really,” Gabe interjected.

“I want you and your brother to understand something, very clearly. My lawyer has drawn up a living will. I expect the both of you to honor it to the letter. Do you understand?”

“That will depend on what it says,” I said skeptically.

“I do not want any heroic measures to be taken on my behalf. If things go badly, I do not want to be placed on life support…”

“This meeting is adjourned. I’m not going to entertain any thought that has a bad outcome. You’ll have the procedure and you’ll be fine. That’s it. I’ve had enough loss this year. Do you understand?”

“Julia, you have to be prepared for all possible outcomes- not just the one you want. For me, you must promise to adhere to my wishes. Please.”

“Let me see the papers. You know, I’m a lawyer. I could have prepared them for you.”

“This isn’t the type of thing that a daughter completes for her ailing father. Tommy, do I have your word?”

“Yes. I’ll respect your wishes,” my brother replied.

“Julia?”

“I’ll think about it…and that’s all I care to hear tonight. Mattie and I are taking Dog upstairs to watch the History Channel. He’ll be up all night and I’ll be asleep in five minutes. Anyone care to join us?”

“Will there be popcorn?” Gabe asked.

“No. I’m a fatty, remember? All I can offer you is boring television,” I replied, laughing as I made my way into the family room. Turning back to my father, I said, “I love you, John. Wake me before you leave.”

My father nodded in agreement and walked out onto the veranda with Tommy. I was trying to stay positive, but the living will dialogue threw me for a loop. The very discussion made me feel like he was giving up- that he was resigned to death. Life was going to be the theme in this upcoming year. I wasn’t going to prepare for any other outcome. He better fight the good fight.

Mattie ran up ahead of me and Gabe, with Dog following closely at his heels. She was a beautiful girl, all furry and lanky. Her legs were the biggest thing about her and she had the sweetest disposition. Gabe had done well when picking her from the litter. Mattie didn’t even seem to mind when she tried to gnaw on his fingers. He’d simply shove a toy in her mouth and turn her body in the opposite direction as punishment. She’d met her match in every way. Mattie loved repetition. Where the rest of us would give up correcting her, he could go on for a good fifteen minutes until he proved his point. He was a born animal trainer. We all piled on the bed. Gabe was talking to Mattie as I drifted off to sleep.

John woke me in the morning to say his goodbyes. He seemed to have a renewed vigor despite his frailty last evening. Perhaps this was for my benefit, but I chose to accept his demeanor as the gospel. He was fine. I was fine. The surgery would be a success and he’d be back before Emma Grace was born. That was my reality.

The day passed slowly, waiting to hear of their arrival at the hospital. Gabe was back to work and Mattie and Ms. Martin were at the dreaded horse therapy. Dog and I were the only two left in the big house. She was good company, following me around like a shadow from one room to the next.

For a few weeks now, my heart was being drawn outside to the cemetery to visit with Connor. The holidays were hard, knowing that, under different circumstances, he’d be here, taking his first steps. Dog needed to be walked and I needed time alone with my son. I latched on her leash and opened the door slowly, trying to see if anyone was in sight. While I was a grown woman, capable of making good decisions, I was still made to feel like a prisoner being watched. After scanning the yard for people and cars, I decided to make my escape.

Their graves seemed bare without the summer flowers. No one had bothered to rake the fallen leaves that covered the ground. The beautiful grass that we laid in June had become brown and dormant. The fountain was drained and the birds were gone. Dog didn’t seem to mind her stark surroundings. She dove in and out of the leaves and walked along the ledge of the fountain while I sat and thought of my boy. Seeing his name chiseled into the headstone made it seem so final, but I could remember his every feature. I could recall his thick dark hair and sweet cheeks; even the memory of his weight in my arms as I rocked him. Even still, the tears were just hiding under the surface to answer the broken heart that still didn’t beat quite as loudly as it should.

“I’ve been missing you so much, Connor…wishing you were here. Tommy says that you don’t feel the constant ache that plagues me; that you’re happy where you are. I wish I knew that to be true.”

Dog dropped a stick at my feet and sat wagging his tail, until I complied with the request. Tossing the small tree branch, I moved closer to Connor’s grave. Crying was therapeutic.

“Let me pull it together. I didn’t come out here to be a downer. I’ll tell you about Christmas. My friend, Mattie, got a new puppy that you would have loved. He licks everything his tongue can find. We also had visitors. Uncle Tommy and Grandpa John came down to check on me. Your sister should be along in a few weeks, but you must already know that. We’ve named her Emma Grace. She’s a fighter-reminds me of Sissy. I’m sure she’s hunted you down by now and is smothering you like a mother,” I said, laughing in remembrance of my former shadow. “Your little sister kicks me all the time, day and night. You were so calm compared to her.”

My hands found my belly as I thought of him, once growing where Emma Grace now thrived.

“I need a favor from you- from Mom. Watch over Grandpa John during this surgery. He needs protection and strength for what he’s facing. I’m not ready to lose him. Saying good bye to you used up every ounce of grief within me. Tell your boss upstairs not to overestimate your mother’s spiritual capabilities. I’m weak and broken. Tell God that.”

Rising to return home, before my absence was discovered, I drew closer and traced his name etched in the stone. Goodbyes were never easy.

“Know that I love you more than I can put into words. There are no words for this type of longing. You’ll always be my first child- my precious boy. God brought you so far just to take you away. I’m trying to understand this cruelty. I tell myself not to be angry. Oh, what I wouldn’t give for just one minute with you, alive in my arms- one recognition in your eyes that I was your mother.”

The tears wet my face and clouded my vision, but Emma’s kick brought me back to the present, reminding me that the future was right around the corner. Knowing that Gabe would return at lunch to check on me, I decided to make my way back to jail.

When he arrived, he brought a cheeseburger and fries and was now my new best friend. The only thing missing was a tall chocolate milkshake, but beggars can’t be choosers. He made it abundantly clear that if I told anyone, he’d never sneak food to me again. God bless greasy fast food joints. After Gabe’s lunch delivery, Tommy called to say that they’d made it all right and that John was getting acclimated to his new hospital room- poor nurses. His call was followed by Henry who asked me a host of questions regarding my state of health and Emma’s activities for the day. By the time Mattie and Ms. Martin had made it home, I was ready for peace and quiet. I was all talked out. Sensing my exhaustion, she presented me dinner in bed and took Mattie to the cottage to wait on Gabe’s return from work. The phone rang as I was preparing to bed down for the night.

“Hello.”

“Cheers,” said my too distant friend in New York.

“When are you coming home?” I asked with a big yawn.

“I didn’t think I was welcome. We didn’t exactly part on good terms, jerk.”

“No, we didn’t, crazy, but my house is your house. We’re best friends. We are going to disagree. You can’t be running away at every bump in the road, Kate. I’m sorry for calling you a mean bitch. That was rude. You aren’t a bitch.”

“And I’m sorry for calling you a redneck hick with no taste,” she replied.

“You didn’t call me that,” I said, defending her apology.

“Yeah, I kind of did…to Henry. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I accept your apology. Go ahead and ask.”

“Ask what?” she replied.

“About Gabe. Go ahead.”

“How’s Gabe?” she said, playing along.

“He’s great. Gabe’s tearing down the old cottage in the spring to start building a forever house for him and Mattie. Ms. Martin is moving too. He’s building her a guest house.”

“Henry mentioned that you gave him the land and money for construction. And Mattie…how is he?”

“He’s talking now. He’s putting together words and is responding more to us. Ms. Martin is looking into special diets and other lifestyle changes to coincide with the mainstream therapy he’s getting now. We’re hopeful. Oh, and he got a puppy for Christmas.”

“A black lab? Henry told me.”

“What hasn’t he told you? What do you really want to know, Kate?”

There was a long pause. I was sure that she was trying to gain the necessary courage to ask the question that lay deep in her heart.

“Does he ever ask about me? Has he moved on?”

“You mean with another woman?” I inquired, trying to discern her motives.

“Yes. Is he seeing anybody? I mean, it’s okay if he is. I would just like to know.”

“The truth?” I asked.

“Nothing but…” she replied anxiously.

“He seems sweet on my obstetrician’s nurse, but I don’t think he’s acted on it yet. At least, he hasn’t mentioned anything about it to me. We’ve become pretty close. He would have said something. I doubt he’s gotten up the nerve.”

The line went silent and I felt bad for her. Gabe had made it pretty clear that she had lost her chance with him, but I didn’t have the heart to tell Kate. Besides, who can ever tell what a man is truly feeling when their pride is at stake. For all I knew, he was still interested. He seemed awfully nervous about her showing up at Christmas. If he wasn’t still madly in love with her, why would he care? The two of them would have to get in a room together and sort it out. I planned to steer clear of it.

“Come home Kate. You can’t hide forever. Eventually, you’ll want to come and visit your new niece. Why wait? I need a birth partner. Can you imagine the boys in a delivery room?”

“Okay, okay. Twist my arm. I’ll come back for her big entrance, but I don’t do blood. You should warn Gabe that I’m coming.”

“I will. I love you. I’m glad you called.”

“God bless America, redneck,” she replied.

“God save the Queen, jerk.”