The B Girls

Woe Is Us





"Tell us all the gory details," Jane said as she sipped her Diet Coke, tapping the shank of her sapphire ring on the rim of her glass.

Lucy sipped at the glass of water Jane insisted would help fend off a hangover at least until they decided whether more drinking was in order. "Gary packed a bag while I was cooking jambalaya. He came into the kitchen and announced he'd been unhappy for some time and now that Ryan was gone he saw no reason to stay." She cast a pointed glance at Jane's tapping finger.

Jane put the glass on the table. "The bastard. I hope you let him have it."

Lucy mustered a smile. "I shot his fish off the wall."

Mae gasped and goggled at her. "His tournament bass?"

"And that ugly ass marlin."

"Chip would come unhinged if anything happened to all those stuffed and lacquered things he has in the basement," Mae said with a little shiver.

"Gary was more than a little upset. But he thought better of trying to stop me when I threatened to shoot his dick off."

Jane laughed, delighted. "Damn you've got style."

"Unfortunately, I have a feeling he's going to make me pay when it comes time to negotiate a settlement."

Jane tapped the rim of her glass a few more times and said, "F*ck him. He's the one losing out."

Mae raised her glass in agreement. "F*ck him."

Lucy choked on her water.

Jane stared with her jaw hanging open for several seconds before she found her voice. "I've never heard so much as a 'damn' come out of your mouth before. What gives?" she said.

Still struggling to catch her breath, Lucy nodded her encouragement for Mae to answer.

"What gives? Me. To my family. I've turned them all into a bunch of spoiled brats--and that includes my husband. Do you know, they actually thought I must be physically ill because I didn't clean up the mess they left in the kitchen this morning?"

"And saying f*ck relates to this how?" Lucy asked.

"I've decided to try new things. Like using bad language and not cleaning up after them all the time. I'm thinking about getting a job or something." She reached for her purse and started digging for the pack of cigarettes she'd retrieved from her stash before leaving the house. "And I'm going outside to smoke."

Jane and Lucy stared after Mae in open-mouthed shock for several seconds before jumping up to follow her out of the sunroom to the patio.

Mae saying she was going to get a job was like Hillary Clinton announcing she was going to become a Republican. Mae announcing she was going to smoke--well there wasn't anything to compare it to. Mae was all about taking care of her family and presenting an image of wholesome perfection to the world.

Outside, Jane laughed, dropped into a cushioned patio chair, and signaled for Mae to pass her the pack. "You're talking about getting a job and I might be unemployed on Monday."

"What?" Was there some sort of insanity virus going around? "I thought you were going to be realtor of the month." Lucy sat down and watched her two best friends light up and puff away, feeling like she'd gone down the rabbit hole.

"That was before I told my client to make a deal with his trophy wife about how many blow jobs it would take for her to get the house she wanted." Jane coughed as she blew out a thin stream of smoke.

"Oh my God. You didn't?" Mae pulled smoke deep into her lungs with more finesse and no coughing.

Jane drank from the glass she still held and nodded. "I did. And you know what? I don't feel bad about it. I know I should feel bad. I know it wasn't nice. But I've just reached the limit on my bullshit meter."

"That's just how I feel," Mae said.

"Well, I didn't choose rebellion. I had it forced on me by my rat bastard soon to be ex-husband," Lucy said.

She threw back the last of her water, wishing for the box of wine. "I want my nice well-planned future back. I don't like not knowing what comes next." Especially when what came next was sure to be an unpleasant divorce battle followed by a severe cut in her standard of living.

"You want Gary back?" Jane asked.

Lucy thought about that. She should want Gary back. She loved him didn't she? The fact that she had to think about it was a hint. "No, I don't think so, but I want my future retirement back. I want to spend my golden years collecting shark's teeth in oversized brandy snifters and watching the sunset over the Gulf of Mexico from the balcony of my high rise condo."

"Doesn't that sort of go along with having Gary back?" Jane said.

"I don't know. I guess I'm thinking of him in a gone fishing sort of way."

"Well you should probably think of him as just gone," Jane said. "And good riddance. You shouldn't spend the best part of your life with someone you tolerate more than love."

"But I don't want something different. I want safe and predictable and easy. Reinventing my life at this point is just too much work," Lucy said.

"No whining allowed," Jane said.

"We're all at a crossroads in our lives. We have a chance to completely turn things around--find our bliss," Mae said.

Jane and Lucy looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" Lucy said.

Mae pretended to pout. "What's so funny?"

"Crossroads?" Jane said wiping tears of laughter off her face--without smudging her makeup. "Promise me the words 'find our bliss' will never pass your lips again."

Lucy was shaking her head. "Maybe she's right. Maybe we're all having a pre-midlife crisis."

"Pre midlife?" Jane said.

"Well I'm sure as hell not admitting to being middle-aged. Hell, half the time I feel like I'm just playing a grownup on TV," Lucy said.

"I always feel like a grownup. I think that's the problem," Mae said.

"I think we need a night on the town," Lucy said. "I'm not through drinking yet. Let's go to The Shitkicker."

"You're still drunk," Jane said.

Lucy nodded. "I'm also serious."

Jane tapped another cigarette out of Mae's pack. "I'm game."

"The Shitkicker?" Mae's voice came out as a squeak. "That place is full of rowdy twenty-one year olds. And it's . . ."

"Fun?" Lucy said.

"I was going to say seedy," Mae said.

"Seedy? Nobody says seedy." Jane drummed her fingernails on the table.

Mae pursed her lips in a stubborn pout. "Chip would have a coronary."

"Didn't you just get finished telling us you wanted to try new things? Break out of your soccer mom mold?" Jane said.

"And don't forget the always feeling like a grownup thing," Lucy said.

"But I don't have anything to wear," Mae said.

"Just throw on a pair of jeans and you'll be good to go," Jane said.

Mae didn't say anything but the vaguely guilty look on her face spoke volumes.

Lucy was horrified. "Don't tell me you don't own a pair of jeans."