The Accidental Demon Slayer

Chapter Nineteen

Ant Eater thwacked me in the head. “Do I gotta watch you every goddamned second?”
I dragged my arms over my eyes, fighting the hangover of the century. My skull felt like an anchor on the hard, wooden deck. I was with my mom and she…son of a submariner, she drugged me. “Watch out for Phoenix,” I muttered. “She has a hankie.”
“Did you hit her with a Brain Stealer?” Frieda demanded. “Oh, I’d like to hit her with a lot worse than that,” Ant Eater countered, nudging me with her toe. I squinted my eyes open. The sunset cast low shadows over the deck of the Dixie Queen. Ant Eater, Frieda and about six other witches stood over me, forming a circle of curious faces. A white bandage tented Ant Eater’s nose and gauze stuffed each swollen nostril. She must have beaten the giggle spell into submission. She glared at me from under two black eyes.
My heart thumped. I could feel my pulse throbbing through my body, against the moldy deck. Mom hadn’t stolen me away. Thank God. I didn’t know what I would have done if—“Where’s Mom?”
Even Frieda managed to look annoyed at that. “She had a transport portal set up in the pilot’s room. Lucky for us she decided to suck you down feetfirst. Sorry about your shoes. Ant Eater here hit her with a Hairy Ball.”
“I was saving it,” she grunted. “Lucky for you that bitch deserved it more. There’ll be Bigfoot sightings in Fresco for sure.”
“Don’t call my mom a bitch,” I said, struggling to sit up. Pain spiked through my head, making my mind swim for a moment. I’d lost my oxfords. Socks too. “Thanks for stopping her, though.” I didn’t know what I’d do if she’d kept me from Grandma.
Ant Eater sniffed, then winced. “Don’t thank me, sugar lips. He’s the one who got us up here.”
Just when I didn’t think my head could feel any worse, Dimitri stepped into my line of vision, his travel bag slung over his shoulder. Of course he hadn’t taken the time to throw on a shirt. Damn the man. The hard plane of his abdomen disappeared into the dirty jeans slung low over his hips. Hurt, disappointment, heaven knew what else churned into a heavy black lump in my stomach. He looked contrite, sad, serious, all of the things I’d expect. And it pissed me off anyway.
“We were going to do a quick ceremony to polish up your aura,” Frieda said, squatting down to brace me in a sitting position. “But we didn’t see any possum on the way over.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers. It was a sad, sad day when this sort of stuff started making sense. “Don’t worry about it, Frieda,” I said. I’d hoped for whatever help they could give me tonight, wanted it. But in the end, it came down to one thing. I had to trust myself. I had to let go, accept my powers, trust the universe.
I also had to watch out for my mother, or a hairy version thereof. Something told me I’d be seeing her again.
Scarlet popped a hard, red candy in my mouth. It tasted like strawberry cream soda and danged if it didn’t work wonders on my magical hangover. As the throbbing eased and the cobwebs cleared, I lurched to my feet. “How much time do we have?” I asked, purposely avoiding Dimitri’s gaze.
Ant Eater furrowed her thick eyebrows, suspicious—as she should have been—at my asking. “It’s almost six o’clock now…” She added in her head. “Just over an hour.”
That couldn’t be right. “I thought our window of opportunity opens at midnight.”
“That’s hell central time,” she said, winding her watch. “We’re five hours behind.”
Naturally. “Well, in that case, I have something to do.”
Frieda knitted her brows. Ant Eater scowled. And Dimitri? I didn’t give a flying fart what he thought as I sauntered barefoot off the Dixie Queen and made tracks for my Harley.
  
“You went shopping?” Pirate had chased my bike for the last quarter mile as I made my way back to the Dixie Queen. Pirate danced in place as I yanked off my helmet and climbed off the bike. Strings of lights illuminated the decks of the Dixie Queen as it bobbed in the ominously swelling current of the Yazoo River.
“Hey, I needed shoes.” I was almost glad my mom’s escape portal had sucked off my boring oxfords. My new black boots were comfy and kick-ass.
Pirate jumped up against one of my boots and slid right off the polished leather. “Those witches are going to bust a gut when they see you.” He followed me as I strode toward the boat. “And did you know they have salami?”
“Look—sturdy heels. These are definitely me,” I said, more to myself than my twelve-pound terrier. Pirate had moved on to chasing fireflies.
On the ride over this morning, I’d passed a shop in Greenville. A black awning with flames had invited The Inner Vixen to stop by for a look-see. I straightened my purple plaid miniskirt. I had to admit, it felt good.
Dimitri’s emerald felt hard and heavy against the hollow of my neck. I didn’t buy the skirt with him in mind. Okay. Maybe I did. He needed a reminder of what he’d lost. Besides, it had shorts underneath, kind of like the field hockey skirts I wore in high school. I’d be able to move a lot easier than I would in pants and, well, my legs are my best feature. Dimitri deserved to suffer. I topped off my kick-butt demon slayer outfit with a leather sports bra that looked more like a corset than anything. Still, it was comfortable, I could move, and I couldn’t pass up the purple prairie clovers climbing up the sides. They were, after all, the sacred symbol of my demon-slayer line. I stopped believing in coincidences a long time ago.
Ant Eater’s head popped out over the main deck. “Are you trying to piss me off?”
Pirate cocked his head to the side. “I think she wants us in there now.”
I scooped him up and jogged over the rickety boards they’d found to replace the rusted gangplank. Let Ant Eater holler. For the first time, I felt like the demon slayer everyone said I would be. And while my nerves jangled at the idea of facing Vald tonight, another teeny, tiny part of me screamed to let me at him.
On the main deck, the witches worked in teams. Two groups had set up on the walkways to the deck, intercepting curious spells. Good thing I’d gotten rid of most of them, especially the Chokers. Another group had chalked off a large pentagram near the shuffleboard court. They sprinkled bits of gobbledygook and chanted. Ant Eater conferred with Scarlet. Dimitri was nowhere to be found. Probably lurking somewhere below deck. And if not? My heart sank. It would be easier without him.
“Nice skirt,” Ant Eater sniggered.
“And here I thought you’d have something useful to say,” I told her.
“You wish. Here.” Ant Eater shoved a thick black belt into my hands. The leather had cracked with age. It looked like a utility belt of some kind, with small cases attached.
“What is this?”
“Just something I stole from Phoenix. It was your Great-great Aunt Evie’s.”
“She brought this with her today?” Maybe I could convince my mom to help.
“Nah. I took it after she f*cked us over in ’78. Phoenix don’t want to be a demon slayer. She don’t get the damned belt.” Ant Eater focused on Scarlet again. She’d clearly had enough of me. “Now leave me alone.”
I settled on one of the observation benches and studied the belt. It seemed to be a demon slayer tool belt of sorts. There was a slot for switch stars to the right of the crystal buckle. Inside the pouches, I found colored powders, stones, a cache of vibrating crystals. Maybe Mom was right. I didn’t know what I was doing.
The belt felt about ten degrees cooler than everything around it. I popped another lid off one of the cases. “Stop!” a voice screeched and slammed the lid back down.
Pirate rushed to my side so fast he slid right past me and spun out behind the next bench. “What was that? You want me to eat it?”
“I’m not sure,” I said, yanking at the clasp I’d opened. It wouldn’t budge. I hoped I could handle this.
“Okay, people!” Ant Eater hollered. “Countdown is on. Five minutes. Move it or lose it!”
As the witches rushed to complete their tasks, I fastened the chilly leather belt around my waist.
“Ready, slick?” Ant Eater thumped me on the back.
I nodded.
“Easy, Frieda,” she called. Ant Eater leaned close enough for me to get a whiff of her garlic-tinged breath. “We’re borrowing power from the portal your mom made. Makes for a stronger thread. We won’t lose you as easy.”
“Don’t,” I said. I knew she was baiting me, but she’d hit too close to the truth. I could feel Dimitri’s eyes on me. He was here, no question about it. He rumbled in the background of everything I did, like an unstoppable freight train.
“I don’t know whether to hitch a transport spell to his ass or get you guys another room.”
The way he’d acted? “Transport.”
She let out a grunting chuckle and dug into the pocket of her chaps.
“I was only kidding,” I told her. “Really.” I cringed as she shoved a purple noodle of a spell into the pocket of my brand-new skirt.
The witches moved in sober silence, a far cry from the laughter I’d witnessed in the basement of the Red Skull. They were worried. So was I.
I hugged my doggy tight. “You listen to Bob, okay? And don’t eat too much salami.”
He burrowed his head under my armpit. “Oh now, Lizzie. You know I can’t stand it when you leave and you used to just leave for the grocery store and now you’re leaving and I don’t know if I’m ever going to see you again.”
I kissed him on the head. “You will,” I said, hoping I was right.
“I’m sorry, Lizzie,” Bob said, “but we’re going to have to chain him.”
I did it myself. My doggy whimpered while I looped Bob’s old ferret chain once, twice around a nearby bench and clipped the leash to Pirate’s collar. Pirate watched me with big, sad eyes as I joined the witches in the semicircle.
Bob eased a Styrofoam cup from the brown paper bag in his lap. Ice ringed the top and steam bellowed from the wide opening.
“Liquid nitrogen,” Ant Eater told me. “We have to get the portal cold enough. Bet this part was a bitch for Evie in 1883.”
We watched as Frieda used a pool cue from the game room to draw a glowing, yellow orb from the pilot house. She carried it toward the center of the pentagram. The five-pointed star cast faint glimmers of blue and silver magic. It offered protection, control. I needed every bit of it tonight.
“Any last words?” Ant Eater slapped me on the back. “Just kidding,” she said. “Don’t f*ck up.
“Two minutes to midnight in hell!” she hollered to the group.
“Aw. Shit!” The orb bobbled on Frieda’s stick before she lost her grip on it.
Oh no.
“Somebody catch it!” Bob hollered.
We scrambled for the orb as it zoomed low over the deck and hovered, out of her reach, over the back end of the boat.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Frieda dangled over the back rail in a vain attempt to capture the dancing ball of energy. I grabbed the pool cue from her and thrust it for the portal. It flitted out of my reach.
“What do we do now?” I shoved the cue at Dimitri, who also failed. We had to get that thing into the center of the pentagram.
“Screw it. It stays there,” Ant Eater announced, as if the portal wasn’t hovering over the sharp paddlewheel and the churning river below. “Change of plans, people. Lizzie’s gonna have to jump off the back of the boat,” she announced. “New positions! We’ll throw the stuff at her.”
Ant Eater yanked me close. “You’ll be gone before—you know—splat. Just don’t miss.”
So much for my protection.
“We’re doing this, people,” she called to the group. “Thirty seconds. Grab your possum teeth.”
She positioned me at the center of the semicircle overlooking the dark waters below. “Possum lungs work better, but it takes forever to scoop ’em out.”
“Thanks for the mental image.”
If she was trying to take my mind off the portal to hell hovering in midair off the back of the boat, well, it wasn’t working. You can do this, Lizzie.
The witches joined hands facing the back of the boat. I stood between Ant Eater and Scarlet. Dimitri leaned against a nearby bench. He had no right to be anywhere near us tonight.
The Red Skulls closed their eyes, and I felt the magic build.
Ant Eater bowed her head. “We, the witches of the Red Skull, send forth our sister, away from our warmth and into the cold. Away from the light and into the darkness. Apart from us, but always with us. We send her forth so that she may die and be reborn.”
I clenched my toes inside my new, kick-ass demon slayer boots. Nobody said anything about dying. What was this portal going to do to me?
It pulsed, sending off bolts of electricity as it grew to the size of a person. I could still see the hard, sharp paddlewheel below, ready to chop me to bits.
I glanced back at Dimitri, as he glowered in the corner. He didn’t deserve to go with me. He’d asked for my trust, my loyalty. And he’d certainly made it clear that he wanted me. I could hardly believe he’d been willing to use me. But, heck, he admitted it. It didn’t get plainer than that.
The portal snapped and cracked like a giant bug zapper above the churning river below.
If this doesn’t work, I’m dead. If it does? I’m in hell.
I snuck another peek at Dimitri, curse him. No getting around it—he lied. He broke every rule I had about how a relationship should be. I knew he never meant for it to get out of hand like it did. Despite what I’d said to him back at the motel, I knew he cared about me.
“Lizzie!” Ant Eater jammed her finger into my shoulder, and I snapped out of my daze. “Do you venture forth freely in the tradition of the great demon slayers of Dalea?”
“I do,” I said, fighting to keep my voice steady. I had to trust in my training, follow my instincts. That meant…oh heck. I reached back and offered my hand to Dimitri. He didn’t deserve it. But I couldn’t think of one other person I’d rather go to hell and back with.
Dimitri took my hand, his grasp warm and steady. The circle widened for him, and I could have sworn I saw the corner of Ant Eater’s mouth twitch into a shadow of a grin. “We welcome them into our fold just as we send them forth.”
“Touch shoulders, grab your possum teeth.” Ant Eater said, eyes on her watch. “Okay Bob. Wait for it. Wait for it. Now!”
Bob hurled the liquid nitrogen. It slammed into the portal, sending off a shock wave of blue energy.
“Roadkill!” Ant Eater commanded.
The possum teeth hit the portal, launching flares like fireworks into the river below.
“Both of you. Together!”
I clutched Dimitri’s hand and we leaped off the boat.
  
A frigid wind buffeted me as I struggled to gain a foothold, toehold, anything. We’d plunged into the middle of a giant maze, carved from solid ice. Bitter cold soaked me to the bone and I cursed my ultra sexy, utterly useless miniskirt as a frigid gust blew straight up.
Ahead, the path veered sharply to the left, and the right, and down into a fissure that threatened to swallow us alive. Behind us, a tangle of passageways wound into oblivion.
I braced my hands against slick walls that rose claustrophobically close on each side. Sulfur tinged the air, making it hard to breathe. My heart thumped as I caught a glimpse of hands, faces behind the ice. I yanked my hands to my chest and when that didn’t stop the shivers, reached out to Dimitri and let his touch flood me with raw warmth.
“So much for hell freezing over,” I told him.
He pulled me close until my chin rested on his bare chest. Poor guy still hadn’t changed from our encounter at Motel 6. I hoped his underwear had dried.
“If you think about it,” he said, “hell is the absence of affection, love, anything good. It should be the coldest place in any dimension.”
He kissed my forehead, my cheeks, my eyes. Each touch warmed me inside and out. We didn’t have time for this. Besides, I was pretty sure I was still mad at him. A bead of heat wound its way through my body. Just one more kiss. After all, I had to keep my temperature up.
He traced his thumb over my lower jaw. “Feel better?”
Damn the man. He was addicting. “You’re not getting in my pants on the way to hell.”
“This is hell, sweetheart.”
I doubted it for a split second, until “What the—?” My voice lodged in my throat as a sharp sting pierced my spine.
Dimitri hissed in surprise. “Don’t look back.”