Silenced by the Yams

CHAPTER Nine

After dropping Colt at the commuter parking lot where he had left “The Judge,” I zipped like a speed demon to the Rustic Woods Hospital ER, where I was directed to a curtained triage room. Mama Marr was resting on a gurney bed in the half-raised position while a very nice looking man in a lab coat sat on a stool next to her and typed into a laptop. She smiled when she saw me.

“Barbara!” she shouted. “How good of you to come see me here! This is my very nice doctor.” She put a hand on his arm. “What is your name again Mr. Doctor Man?”

If I didn’t know better, I would have thought Mama Marr had been sipping a few dry martinis instead of trying a new dance move at my mother’s class.

Mr. Doctor Man stood and extended his hand. “Lott,” he said. “Dr. Lott.”

“He’s a lotta handsome, is he not Barbara?” Mama Marr giggled.

I blushed for her.

“We gave her a muscle relaxant,” Dr. Lott explained. “It can . . . reduce some inhibitions.” He smiled then turned his attention back to Mama Marr. “Now Alka, no more pole dancing lessons for you, right?”

At first I thought I’d misheard him. Surely he didn’t say pole dancing. No. He must have said . . . my mind ran through the list of possible words. . . soul dancing. That was it. Soul dancing. Was there such a thing as soul dancing? There’d better be, because if my mother took Mama Marr pole dancing, it would be a contest as to who would kill her first, me or Howard.

“Oh,” Mama Marr said with a pouty face. “It was such fun. Barbara, have you tried this pole dancing?”

My face flamed. I suppressed the urge to scream out loud, whispering instead through clenched teeth. “Where is she?”

“Where is who, dear?”

I spun around to find my mother glaring down at me. After making a quick apology to Mr. Lotta Handsome Doctor Man, I grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out of hearing range. “You took her pole dancing? POLE DANCING?”

“Barbara, your face is unusually red and you’re sweating. Are you having menopausal hot flashes?”

Menopausal hot flashes? No. Homicidal hot flashes? Yes. “The museums, mom—what happened to taking her to the museums?”

“We tried that. We were less than a mile outside of the district when they closed all roads going in. Something about a shooting in front of the White House. What is this world coming to?”

“So you turned around, found the nearest strip bar and said, ‘Hey, Alka, why don’t we try that?’”

“Now you’re just being silly. I love you, Barbara, but you have no imagination. No, if you must know, my geriatric pole dancing class is held in a loft in Arlington, and since we couldn’t get to the museums, I asked Alka if she’d like to stop by and see if they were open for drop-ins at their one o’clock class.”

“Geriatric pole dancing?”

“It’s the new trend in elder exercise—you should give it a try.”

I would have been insulted by the last remark if I wasn’t so surprised that she attended any class with the word geriatric or elder in the title. My mother has never been one to admit to growing old.

The cell phone buzzed in my purse, alerting me to a text message. I threw my mother another look to tell her how displeased I was, then grabbed my reading glasses and the phone. The text was from Callie. “Brd bck in cag. Whats 4 dinr?”

I would have texted back to verify that “bck in cag” meant he was living and breathing and not just a little yellow carcass ready for a cigar box burial, but the doctor was standing next to me clearing his throat. He handed me a prescription for more muscle relaxants and a sheet of instructions for icing her back until the pain diminished and her range of movement returned.

Unfortunately, I find myself in the Rustic Woods Hospital ER more often than I care to say, but that didn’t help speed our departure. There were easily ten thousand pieces of paper to sign before they’d let us go. And because of the muscle relaxants, Poor Mama Marr could barely maintain a grip on the pen, so I had to hold her hand while she signed. Somewhere around the five thousandth piece of paper, she stopped and sighed. “You are so good to me, Barbara. My boy, he married a good woman. I was so sad when I did not have any daughters, but you are the best daughter a woman could have.”

She actually brought a tear to my eye. Thank goodness for muscle relaxants, because she’d never said anything that warm and loving to me in all of the years Howard and I had been married. “And I’m glad to have you for a mother, Mama.”

I heard my own mother huff in the background.

Mama Marr nodded. “This is why I am coming to live with you and Howard. Family should be together.”

Holy cow. I thought that was what Christmas was for.

She patted my hand and smiled. “This will be good. I can help you keep your house clean.”

*****

During our drive home, I received a call from Guy. His assistant was safe and sound. Terribly shaken, but safe. The only wound he suffered was an abrasion on his cheek from when he dove to the pavement for protection. I breathed a sigh of relief. Guy said he gave the poor fella the rest of the week off.

It was nearly seven thirty by the time I pulled into our driveway. “The Judge” was parked in front of the house, so I knew Colt had invited himself over. More likely Howard had instructed him to keep an eye on me and make sure I didn’t get into any more trouble. Truthfully, I was glad because I needed his help to get Mama Marr into the house. (My mother had declined the request to follow us and assist. Something about a memoir writing class she didn’t want to miss.)

Once we got Mama settled into the comfy chair in our family room with a cup of tea, I ran upstairs to check on Pavrotti. Thankfully, he was sitting on his perch and appeared unscathed. I breathed a sigh of relief and made my way back down to the kitchen, happy that at least one the day’s disasters had ended well. I couldn’t say the same for Guy Mertz’s assistant or for Mama Marr. The muscle relaxants didn’t seem to be settling too well with her, so I decided to look for natural alternatives online. That’s when I realized something. Except for the unmistakable sound of canned laughter coming from Mama Marr’s television show, the house was eerily quiet.

“Where are the girls?” I asked Colt as he filled my dishwasher with dirty dishes.

“Callie is upstairs on her computer—she said it’s been twenty-four hours since ‘the incident’ and that it was okay. Bethany is at Skate Night with Holly Burke and Kyra . . .” he hesitated while trying to remember, then finally pulled a piece of paper from his back pocket. “Wexler. Kyra Wexler. Kyra’s mom said you’d already agreed to a sleepover at her house afterwards, so I made sure Bethany had a sleeping bag, toothbrush and toothpaste.” He nodded, seemingly happy with himself. “And Amber is at Emily Horner’s house. She was invited to spend the night, so you need to call and confirm with Judi if that’s okay or not.” He slipped the paper back into his pocket, placed one last glass into the dishwasher and closed it up. “Oh, and I fixed them tacos. I put the leftovers in the fridge if you want some.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Judi? You’re on a first name basis with her?”

“Hey, I’m a friendly guy, what can I say? She’s a dentist, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. Trust me. I’m surprised she’s allowing my daughter in her house after the fiasco at her office yesterday.”

He smiled a way-too-knowing smile. “She’s over that—thinks it was pretty funny in hindsight. Evidently, Emily can say some pretty wild things in public, too.”

I shook my head, confused by Colt’s budding friendship with Judi Horner, but glad that I didn’t have to find a new dentist.

“Colt, you need a woman to take care of.”

“You’re not a woman?”

“Seriously. You need to meet someone and settle down. This free-as-a-bird act isn’t working anymore. Under that cool exterior is a family man and that family will be so lucky to have you.”

He pulled a chair out from the kitchen table and sat. “Frankly, you seem to be sending mixed messages. You haven’t been exactly welcoming to Meegan.”

“I said you needed a woman, not a Teen Beat cover girl.”

My tummy grumbled, so I decided to grab taco meat, tomatoes, and cheese from the refrigerator. And since it was on the same shelf, I grabbed the open bottle of Pinot Grigio as well.

“Want some?” I asked while opening a cupboard for a glass.

“Depends. Are we still going to the range tonight?”

At first, I had no idea what “range” he was talking about. The first thought that came to my frazzled mind was Home, Home on the Range, which brought to mind pictures of horses and cows and wide open land. The best I could muster was a blank look on my face while I tried to figure out what wine had to do with singing cowboys on horses.

I guess Colt had seen that face before, so he elaborated. “The shooting range.” He pantomimed a gun with his right hand. “You know: Bang! Bang!”

It took me a while, but I’m not completely dim. “Oh! The hand gun lesson was tonight.” The microwave dinged so I pulled the bowl of meat out and threw on some tomatoes and cheese. “Do we still have time?”

“If you eat fast.”

Setting my bowl down on the table, I considered the day I’d had and the fact that I really just wanted a glass of wine and a hot bath. “I don’t know, Colt, I’m really tired . . .”

“Or we could skip it . . .” His smile was wiley. “ . . . and I could just tell you what I found out about Frankie.”

Now that was something I wanted to hear. I grabbed him for a huge bear hug. “You’re the best.”

He nodded. “That’s what all the women say.”