Shallow Breath

10

Pete




‘What do you know about a girl called Kate?’

Pete has barely got through the door before Desi continues, ‘She’s Connor’s niece, Maya tells me. And she’s coming to see me, apparently.’

‘Maya’s told me about her, but I haven’t met her,’ Pete says, setting his bag down and giving Desi a kiss on the cheek. ‘How do you feel about it?’

Is this the moment when Connor’s secrets will unravel for Desi? Pete asks himself. What will Kate have to say?

‘I honestly don’t know,’ Desi replies. ‘I just can’t imagine what she wants to see me for, after all this time. Especially when Connor’s family barely acknowledged us. Anyway, how was your day?’

‘Fine,’ he says. ‘The usual.’

‘How was Indah today? And the baby?’

‘Yeah, good.’

He knows this is ridiculous. How long can he keep being vague before he has to actually lie? And why doesn’t he just tell her the truth? That he went to the zoo as a visitor this morning. And then spent the afternoon turning the house upside-down, searching for a letter he hasn’t seen in years, which he is desperate to show Desi before Kate turns up.

Desi saves him from all this by changing the subject. ‘Maya will be here soon,’ she says. ‘We can ask her more about Kate. Meanwhile, would you like a drink?’

‘Please,’ he says. ‘A coffee would be great. And I need to talk to you about Maya.’

Desi sets the kettle going and then turns back to Pete. ‘That doesn’t sound good.’

‘Well, I’m worried about her.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘She’s finished school now, but she’s got no plans. If you ask her, she just looks dreamy and says she’s having a break while she’s thinking about it. But she’s drifting, Desi, and I don’t like it.’

Pete studies Desi closely, trying to read her thoughts. He is always uncomfortable when they have these conversations. Despite the fact he has been Maya’s surrogate father for all these years, both Desi and Maya seem to close doors on him when he acts too overtly parental. Especially if he says something they don’t want to hear. He thinks he can see Desi’s face shutting now. It makes him angry. Is he part of this family or not?

‘She hasn’t had an easy ride lately, what with her mother going off the rails.’ Desi smiles weakly, but Pete doesn’t, so she adds, ‘I think we should let her be for a while.’

‘I’m not trying to pressure her, Des. But she’s aimless, and it bothers me.’

‘So was I. So was Jackson.’

‘No, you weren’t. You were different, that was all. You bucked the trends and went off and did your own thing. But you were both motivated. Maya lacks direction. She always used to talk about what she would do after school, all the places she would go. Now she just seems to hang around the caravan park or the beach.’

‘Pete,’ Desi sighs. ‘Don’t you see how hard it is for me to come home and immediately get on her case? Why should she think that I know what I’m talking about when I have obviously made some big mistakes in my life …’

‘I’m not saying you should do anything,’ he snaps. ‘I’m simply passing on my concerns.’

He rarely loses his cool, and she is surprised. ‘Are you sure you’re okay, Pete?’

This time he takes the cue. He goes and leans against the kitchen top, pressing his hands flat onto the cool surface. ‘Not really,’ he says. ‘Things have changed a bit since you’ve been gone. I don’t work at the zoo any more, for a start.’

She comes up behind him, and he feels the pressure of her touch on his back. ‘Pete, the zoo is your whole life. What happened?’

Not quite my whole life, he thinks, not looking at her. ‘I quit.’

‘Why on earth would you do that?’

He flicks a glance at the ceiling, then turns to face her. ‘Because I needed a break,’ he says.

She drops her hand but holds his gaze. ‘Because you needed to be here. For Maya. And for me,’ she says quietly.

They are caught in one another’s eyes. ‘It wasn’t your fault,’ he murmurs. And maybe she takes it to mean his resignation, but he means everything.

‘So,’ she says after a protracted beat. ‘What are you going to do with yourself?’



‘I don’t know. I’ve been having some time out. Thinking about it …’ But he can hear how weak it sounds, particularly after what he’s just said about Maya.

‘Pete!’ Her tone is incredulous. ‘I know you. You can’t –’

They are interrupted by a knock at the door.

‘That will be Maya.’ Desi looks nervously at Pete.

‘It’s okay,’ he smiles. ‘She won’t bite.’

‘We haven’t finished this conversation,’ she warns before she leaves. He follows her as far as the lounge, and she returns a moment later with Maya trailing behind her. Maya slouches over to a seat and throws herself in it, then gives Pete a disingenuous smile. ‘Hello.’

He doesn’t like how pale and disinterested she appears. ‘You okay?’

Desi hovers. ‘Would you like something to drink?’

Maya sighs as though the question is a personal affront. ‘No, thanks. I just need to go to the bathroom.’ She jumps up and disappears.

Desi lets her leave, then sits on the sofa with a thump. ‘This is horrible.’

‘It’ll pass,’ Pete says, trying for confidence, but Desi raises her eyebrows.

‘I’ll go and talk to her.’ Wearily, Pete wanders down the corridor, planning to intercept Maya and ask her to take it easy on her mother. But he can see the bathroom door ajar from some distance away, and the room is dark.

‘Maya?’ he begins, as he passes by Desi’s bedroom. He hears a noise and looks in to see Maya quickly pushing a drawer closed. She jumps up to stare at him guiltily. He can see her momentarily debating which way to play it, and is sad when she plumps for anger. She marches over and pushes past him. ‘I can’t do this tonight. I’m sorry,’ she says. She hurries to the lounge and collects her bag.

‘Look’ – Maya stops briefly in front of Desi – ‘this isn’t a good time for me, okay? I’ll come again in a couple of days …’

And she is away through the front door, jogging to her car.

They watch her leave. ‘What the hell was that about?’ Desi asks.

Pete has no idea. ‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have come,’ he says. ‘It might have been better if it was just you two.’

‘On the contrary, I don’t think she’d have even turned up if I was here on my own. It’s hard to know what to say to each other at the moment. I’m terrified of mentioning the wrong thing. I’m afraid she’s angry with me.’

‘Maybe …’ Pete is trying to decide whether he should tell her what he has just witnessed when Desi interrupts.

‘I can’t even get my head around the fact she can drive herself over here.’ She pauses, thinking. ‘Okay, you may have a point. Tell me about her, Pete. I know you’ve been doing that for ages, but tell me again. What have I missed?’