Scarlett Fever

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ACT V

A SPIES OF NEW YORK EXCLUSIVE!

WE LOVE A DEBUTARD WEDDING…as much as anyone else. Probably more than most. We love the spectacle of New York’s richest and dumbest making the tie that binds. Like all the royal families of the world, our Society Friends always fail to notice that constant inbreeding makes Mother Nature cross, and this amuses us. Also, they have open bars full of top-shelf booze.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE…we get a truly exceptional account of one of these anti-Darwinian extravaganzas. Our in-boxes were exploding with reports of such an occasion. It seems that on Saturday night, Charles “Chip” Sutcliffe III, age 18, celebrated his marriage to a certain Lola Martin, age 18.

We would have enjoyed this story just as it was, honestly. Some early morning Procrastination Googling turned up the fact that “Chip” Sutcliffe is ranked number 98 on the “New York’s Top 100 High School Scenesters” list on Gothamfrat.com. This list provided us with much joy! The little scamps had gone and ranked themselves! It’s like those videos of cats eating with utensils—it’s adorable when they try to act like people, even as they do it all wrong.

But that was hardly the end of this story…because the bride happens to be the younger sister of doughnut-magnet Spencer Martin, aka David Frieze, killer of our dearly departed Sonny Lavinski. Yes! He was there! And he didn’t disappoint!

For reasons known only to himself, Martin took to the dance floor and performed an astonishing solo number, which concluded with his taking flight and doing a full body slam on his sister’s massive wedding cake.

We would not have believed this story had it not been accompanied by many, many photos…photos we stared at for hours last night. Had the stress of murdering Saint Sonny finally broken him, we wondered? Had he grown tired of having other people throw food at him and simply decided to do it himself?

OUR SPECULATIONS WERE INTERRUPTED…by even more news of Martin. Our contact on the set of Crime and Punishment called to tell us that his name has mysteriously vanished from the call sheet and no one in charge is talking. What could possibly be going on?

We beg you to send in your tips. In the meantime, please enjoy our favorite photo of the wedding celebration. We have a selection of prizes for the best captions.