Michael was very quiet. He could see that Father Riordan was serious. Michael knew that he wasn’t being awkward or deliberately obtuse. This was a real dilemma – for both of them.
‘I trusted you, Father. Now I feel that was a big mistake on my part.’
The priest shook his head vigorously. ‘No, Michael, you didn’t make a mistake. Anything you might have told me in the confessional is sacrosanct. I can never repeat it to a living soul, and I wouldn’t, I can assure you of that. But I can’t act like it never happened, Michael. I have to go away from here.’
Michael sighed; he liked Father Riordan, he was a decent enough man. ‘Look, Father, I’m sorry if my actions have caused you problems but, as far as I knew, I wasn’t talking to you, was I? Anything that I might have said, was between me and my God. I think that you are overreacting. I mean, for fuck’s sake, this is exactly what you lot sign on for, isn’t it?’
The priest stood up. He could never hope to make this man understand how confused he was feeling, or why he felt the need to leave not only his parish, but his home and his whole life. Michael would never understand that just because he could live with his own actions, it didn’t mean that everyone else could. It was a waste of time.
‘Michael, look after young Josephine – she loves the bones of you. I’ll talk to Father Barry. He’ll be more than happy to officiate at your wedding. You’ve both known him since you were little children anyway.’
Michael nodded sadly. He held out his hand and Father Riordan shook it heartily. He didn’t know what else to do.
Book Two
Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in all those who take advice
Proverbs 13:10
Chapter Twenty-Nine
1989
‘For fuck’s sake, Josephine, anyone would think we were fucking hard up, darling!’
Michael was laughing, but Josephine knew that he was actually annoyed. He spent money like it was going out of fashion on all manner of frivolities, and she didn’t mind that; after all, he was the one earning it. But she couldn’t understand why he got so annoyed with her because she liked to budget, liked a bargain. She could see him eyeing the mound of toilet rolls that she had piled up in the utility room, shaking his head in mock despair. All of the spare rooms were filled with her bargains and bulk-buys.
He just couldn’t see that it made her feel good about herself, made her feel secure. She held her temper. She knew from experience that anything she might say would fall on deaf ears, and today she was not going to get involved in any arguments. She poured them both mugs of tea. It was her way of ending any dispute they might have, and it had always worked.
Michael smiled to himself, understanding that the conversation was now over. He was happy to oblige. ‘Thanks, darling. I need this.’
Josephine smiled gently, and Michael was, as always, taken aback at how deeply he loved his wife. It never failed to amaze him how even a smile from her could tear at his heart. He adored her, and he wished that he knew how to make her feel better.
‘You out all day, Michael?’
He nodded. ‘I’ll be home for dinner though – I’m only meeting Patrick to sort out a few bits and pieces. Nothing really important. Let’s watch a film tonight, eh? Open a bottle of wine.’
Josephine laughed at his deliberate nonchalance. He was trying to make everything better and she loved him for that. ‘That sounds good to me, Michael.’
‘It’s a date, then.’
Josephine leant against the granite worktop, and sipped her tea. She was never happier than when they were like this, easy in each other’s company, and without the spectre that she felt was between then. No matter what Michael did or said to reassure her, she knew that, as much as he loved her, they were both aware of the void in their lives.
She swallowed down the sadness inside her. Michael couldn’t cope when she felt like this, and he wouldn’t leave her on her own if he thought she was obsessing about their life together and how she had let him down. He was so good to her, and she knew how lucky she was to have a man like him.
‘Go on, get yourself off, Michael. I’m cooking a lamb casserole for us tonight, so ring me and let me know what time to expect you.’ She kissed him softly, and walked with him to the front door.
He hugged her tightly to him, and she could feel the love he had for her. But instead of making her feel secure, all she felt was her failure as a wife. As he pulled out of the driveway, she closed the door and, leaning against it, she exhaled wearily. It was getting harder and harder to keep up her act.