Reason 16: You make me feel all that gooey shit crap I’m supposed to feel
Despite that awkward moment in the car, I’m able to just chill with Hayles the rest of the night. After tossing straw wrappers at each other, she dumped the entire salt shaker in my drink. I’m not talkin’ about taking the lid off and pouring salt in it, but grabbin’ the salt shaker and plopping it in the glass. Waitress wasn’t too happy, but I was rolling.
After the restaurant—and Hayles stabbing me with her fork when I went after her croutons—she drug me into a grocery store and we picked pretend fights when people walked down the aisle we were in. She bought me a Coke to make up for the one she ‘salted’, and we drove around for about an hour doin’ nothing but talkin’ about the different ways to say ‘Hell’.
“Sometimes I say, ‘what the h?’ just like ‘WTF’. People don’t always get it though.” She shrugs.
“And they get ‘holy horse feathers’?” I chuckle as she punches me in the arm.
Pulling into her driveway, I snap off the headlights even though she didn’t ask me to this time. I wish I wasn’t out of money and gas. I’d keep her out all night.
She clicks the seatbelt, and I bolt around the car to beat her to the door. She laughs as she steps out.
“Thanks, Brody.”
“Uh huh.”
I close the door and walk her up the porch. Part of me wonders if she’ll notice I’m takin’ her to the front door, which she’s never allowed before, but she turns around and leaps into my arms so fast again, I’m almost knocked on my back.
“I mean it. Thank you,” she says against my cheek. “I told you I haven’t had the best track record with birthdays, and well, this was the best one I’ve had.”
What is this girl doin’ to me? I squeeze her back, wishing I could keep her locked in my arms forever, but I won’t. The second she gets uncomfortable, I’ll let go.
She loosens her grip, but doesn’t jump away from me. That gives the bruised ego an icepack. Her fingers linger on the tatt on my wrist, and it itches like crap. Not goin’ to tell her to stop though.
“Hey, Hayles?”
Her eyes flick up to mine. “Sup?”
I smile. “Can I… I mean, can we go out again?”
“Like as friends?”
No.
I gulp. “Another date. I want to…” Grr, why is this so hard? “I want to be with you, Hayley.”
I can’t read her expression. She takes a step back, not touchin’ me. I’ve never seen her bite her lip, so when it tucks between her teeth I have no idea what it means.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you want to be with me? Is this some kind of pity thing? Because I’m not interested.”
Is she for real? “Hayles, you’re killin’ me!” I’m not sure what it is. The left over anger from dealin’ with Gabe, or the nerves I’ve had all night just tryin’ to get the words out, but suddenly I’m sayin’ things I’d never—and boy do I mean never—thought I’d say.
“I’ve been tryin’ all night with you. It’s hard enough puttin’ myself out there, but even harder when I gotta explain myself, but if you need to hear why, then I’ll tell you.” I take a deep breath and grab her hand. I’m not going to let her shake me off this time. “I like you, all right? I want to date you not out of pity, but because I… I need to. Hayles, I can’t get you off my mind.”
There it is.
Just like that, I’ve vomited all my gushy feelings all over her.
And she’s just staring at me.
Staring and sort-of smiling.
I don’t want one of her sort-of smiles. I want a real Hayles smile. The one that makes her eyes crinkle in the corners.
“W-what about Quynn?” she finally says, her voice just above a whisper.
“I told you. I’m not… she’s not… I don’t feel that way about her anymore.”
Her eyes drop to our hands, and she blows out a huge breath. “Holy jumping jellybeans, Brody. When did this happen?”
I chuckle, and it relieves some of the tension in my chest. “What do you mean?”
“I’m trying to rewind here. Find out what exactly was the turning point. What did I do to make you feel like this?”
Ah hell, so many things. Too many things to list. I like everythin’ about this girl. How can she not see how freakin’ awesome she is?
“You’ve got one heck of a personality, Hayles. Plus…” Say it Brody. You’re on a roll. “You’re gorgeous.”
My face is red, I’m sure of it, but it can’t be anywhere near the shade of hers.
I’ve so got this. Don’t know why I was so nervous, or why I thought it would be harder than this to convince her. I mean, she looks so…
Wait a minute.
Her eyes are getting watery.
What did I say?
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I ask as I take a step closer to her.
Tears pour down her cheeks as she shakes her head toward the ground.
There’s no way I’m just going to stand here and let her cry. I take her in my arms and hold her. The tension is back in my chest, but it feels good that she’s allowin’ me to touch her like this. She sobs into my shirt, but doesn’t wrap her arms around me. I’m okay with that, even though I have no idea what’s going on.
“Hayles, did I say something wrong?” I ask over her head.
She shakes her head, and her voice muffles in my shirt. “Brody, I-I can’t believe you.”
“What do you mean?”
She pushes away from me and sucks in a large breath. “I can’t believe everything you’re saying to me. I-I’m not going to.”
Not sure how to react. Part of me wants to drop it all, forget getting Hayles and go back to Quynn. That’s a prick of a thing to say, still, can’t help but feel it’d be easier.
Thinkin’ about it though, I couldn’t do that. At all. The whole time I’d be with Quynn—hypothetically, of course, since that won’t happen either—I’d want to be with Hayley. And that’s a Gabe thing, not a Brody thing.
I’m a fighter too. And I’ll keep fighting until she gets a restrainin’ order.
“Why not?” Rejection sucks. I should at least know why she keeps pushin’ me off. “I get it if you’re not into me. Just say the ‘friend’ word, and I won’t bring it up again.”
“That’s not it.” She sniffs and brushes her hair off her shoulder. “It’s just… what happens when Quynn finally comes around?”
“Huh?”
“Brody…” She plops on the porch, and I take a seat next to her. “Did you forget what I told you about Jason? About why I set the rules upfront?”
“I remember.”
“Then why are you doing this to me? Are you really that mean?”
What the hell?
“What are you talkin’ about?”
“I’m not going to be the girl you use while you wait for the girl to give you the time of day. I thought you were better than that.”
She thinks I’m using her? I repeat. What. The. Hell?
“I’m not like that.”
She rolls her eyes. “You’re saying you actually want to be with me, when you could have someone like her? Yeah, okay.”
I’m starting to get pissed. This girl doesn’t get it. Doesn’t get how amazin’ she is. How much I’ve been panting over her since we started hangin’ out. How many times I chose her over Quynn already.
“I told you, I don’t want Quynn. I want you.”
She cocks an eyebrow, folding her arms and leaning on her knees. “And how many times did you think about her tonight?”
I do a mental checklist ‘cause I want to be honest. Thought about her before I got to Hayley’s house, but I was also thinkin’ about Hayles. Other than that…
“I didn’t.”
She opens her mouth to argue, but I cut her off.
“I didn’t, Hayles. You were the only thing on my mind.”
She falls on her knees, her hair covering her face and exposing her new ink. Her back goes up and down with each deep breath she takes. Wish I knew what she was thinkin’. Maybe this is just an excuse ‘cause she doesn’t look at me the way I want her to.
I’m a fool. All this time she was dodgin’ my touch and avoiding the compliments was because she didn’t want to lead me on. Not ‘cause of her insecurities. But ‘cause she doesn’t want me the same way I want her.
Now I feel like shit. Should’ve just taken the first rejection and left it alone.
“I-I get it if you don’t want to… I mean if I’m not your type or anythin’.” Crap, gotta wipe the sweat off my palms. It’s startin’ to sting the cuts on my knuckles. “Just thought you needed to know how I felt about you.”
“Gosh, Brody. That’s. Not. It.” Her head tilts up. “I’ve been trying… I mean really trying not to get all gushy ga-ga over you. It’s not the easiest thing in the world. I had to keep pushing myself away from you, keep telling myself that all the stuff you were doing was because you were my friend. All the hand holding and smiling and looking hecka hot was because that’s just who you are. You want Quynn. That’s what I keep telling myself.”
She takes a breath, finally lookin’ me in the eyes. “You deserve someone like her anyway. Someone who’s… beautiful.”
“You are b—”
“You know what I mean.” Her hands cover her stomach. A tear strolls down her cheek. “I’m fat, all right. Don’t argue with me because I’m not stupid. I see the way people look at me, and I hear what they say. You and I… we just won’t make sense. People won’t understand it.” She pauses. “I don’t understand it.”
Okay, so she doesn’t want me to argue, but no way am I agreeing with her on the fat thing. I take her hands in mine, playing with her fingers. She’s shakin’, I’m shakin’, and the weird thing is, I’m not nervous. Not now. Not after she told me exactly what’s stopping her. This, I can deal with, because she’s wrong.
“All right, so even if you were fat, which you’re not, why would it matter? Why can’t we be together if we feel the same things for each other?”
She shakes her head, more tears dropping from her eyelashes as she blinks. “It doesn’t make sense. Why would anyone choose the fat girl over the skinny one?” She grips my hand and stares me down. “You tell me that, and maybe… maybe I can allow myself to feel the things I want to feel for you.”
“You want reasons why you and not Quynn?” I don’t want her to think I’m sayin’ she’s fat, so I add, “Why I want a gorgeous and crazy funny girl I just met instead of the one I’ve been lookin’ at for a while?”
Her cheeks flush, and she scoots closer. “Yes. That’s exactly what I want.”
Great! I have this in the bag. I can list a million things right now.
“Okay, reason one—”
“No. I want you to write them down for me. Give me time to process all this, and you to make sure they’re good.” She smiles. A real Hayley smile.
“Yes, ma’am!” I salute, and she punches me in the arm. Just like that, we’re back in the ‘friend’ arena. Friend arena with potential.
She stands and helps me up. I keep my hand tucked in hers, and wish I could go in for the kiss. Not going to do that again. Not when I’m this close to gettin’ her.
“Happy Birthday, Hayles.”
Smiling, she pulls me into a hug. “Thank you again, Mr. Grant. Best freaking night of my gosh darn life. Even with you bearing your soul and all.”
I chuckle as she lets me go. I watch her walk into the house and stand out there till my feet feel like movin’ again.
Bam! Best date ever, even with all that awkward crap it wasn’t… awkward. Better put that on the list.
She’s got the best smile, knows how to have fun, and makes me feel gooey and stuff. Puttin’ those on there too.
This list will be the easiest thing in the world.