Razing Kayne

FOUR



Kayne had just checked on duty when Del asked to meet before he headed south to his own district. Arriving first, Kayne pulled over into the empty parking lot behind the county complex. A moment later, Del pulled up alongside, facing the opposite direction so they were driver’s side window to driver’s side window. “I wanted to invite you for lunch, today.”

“Sure, where?” After last week’s blow up at the restaurant, he figured the other officer would avoid him. Since he was offering an olive branch, Kayne decided no matter how awkward he'd feel, he needed to mend some fences.

“Green Valley Park, by the amphitheater.”

Seemed like a strange place. “What time?”

“It starts at two, but we'll be there a while, so come by whenever you can.”

“What starts at two?”

“A group of us get together and have a picnic the first Sunday of every month, right after church.”

Kayne balked at the mention of church. “I'm not really the church-going type.” A hell of an understatement—he and God weren’t on speaking terms.

“Trust me, you aren't the only one. We'll feed you anyway.” Del didn’t give him a chance to argue further. “See you at two.” With that parting statement, he drove off. Rumor had it the man would give his own mother a speeding-ticket, yet he seemed a good sort. Certainly someone Kayne would want at his back in a fight.

When two o'clock rolled around, Kayne pulled into his driveway. He logged off duty with dispatch and went inside. Due to the snow, it had been a day full of traffic tickets and stranded motorists. He quickly stripped off his wet uniform, beyond glad his shift was over. He was very tempted to stay home, but one look around the quiet little house, with its sparse furniture and depressing atmosphere, made him realize he didn’t want to spend the afternoon alone. He quickly changed into a sweatshirt, jeans, and hiking boots. Grabbing a jacket and the keys to his truck, he headed out the door.

He knew where the park was, and finding the picnic wasn't a problem. There weren't many people out today, and those that had braved the cold were all under a central ramada. He realized immediately why they'd chosen the amphitheater—it doubled as a sledding hill for the kids. Several hiked up the side and sledded down the center.

“Hey, glad you could make it,” Del said, appearing next to Kayne as he stepped into the ramada. “Come, let me introduce you around.”

“Here are a few guys you might want to get to know.” Del introduced him to Officer Nick Astenbeck, and Detectives Trace St. Moritz and Rafe Chatham, all from the local police department, and two doctors, Mark Oberly and his partner, Stephanie Heywood.

“I'm actually a nurse practitioner and midwife,” Stephanie clarified before exchanging some ribald banter with one of the detectives about playing doctor.

The guy manning the grill introduced himself. “I'm Joe Sutton, fire-medic. I’m assuming you’ve met Buck Johnson,” Joe motioned to the man standing next to him. “Our illustrious Superior Court judge.”

Kayne nodded. “Nice to meet you.” He hadn’t had any cases adjudicated by the man yet, but he’d heard the guy was unwaveringly fair.

Judge Johnson gave him a genuine smile. “You too, son. Sorry I can’t stay and visit, but I’ve got a wife and sick granddaughter at home. My Evie insisted I bring the dishes she made for the picnic so they didn’t go to waste.” He patted his slightly rounded stomach. “Not that they would have, but I learned long ago never to argue with a woman.”

Joe pinned the judge with a look. “You know your wife sent you down here with the food hoping you’d stay out of her hair for a while.”

Judge Johnson gave a hearty chuckle. “You may be right. I’m gonna grab my phone out of the truck and give her a quick call. Save me a burger.”

Kayne tuned into the bantering conversation between the detective, Rafe, and the female doctor, Stephanie.

“...I'm amazed you even remember her, since you've slept with every available woman in town.”

Kayne had no idea who they were talking about.

“Not every one of them.” Rafe looked toward the sledding hill.

Rafe and Stephanie continued to argue, but Kayne's sights locked on the woman in a pink ski jacket and matching beanie walking towards him, the one Rafe watched with undisguised interest too—Jessica. Kayne tensed, his hands reflexively curling into fists at his side. He wanted to wipe the undisguised lust off the guy’s face. Oblivious to the attention, Jessica and Maddy trudged through the snow side by side, Jess holding Gracie and pulling Isabelle behind her on a sledding disc. Jess and Maddy appeared to be deep in conversation. Kayne didn't realize he'd been staring until she looked right at him and faltered in her step. She obviously hadn't known he'd been invited. After this morning, he felt more than a little embarrassed being here.

Jessica stopped in front of him but didn’t make eye contact. “You know there are anti-stalking laws in this state.”

“Stop picking on the boy. I invited him,” Del scolded affectionately.

Kayne already felt awkward enough seeing her face-to-face after letting her star in this morning’s fantasy. By her comment, she was feeling uneasy too. “You know, I really should go. I have—”

“No, no! Stay!” Gracie launched herself at him without warning.

Kayne lunged forward and caught her before she could earn herself a trip to the emergency room.

Jessica frowned. “I was kidding.”

Yeah that made two of them, he thought even as he hugged the little daredevil close. He'd only known one other child who behaved like Gracie, but Natalia lay in a tiny white coffin, under six feet of earth.

“Pease? Pease!” Gracie pleaded with those big, blue eyes of hers. She reminded him so much of his daughter Natalia that his heart ached. Hell, Natalia had even pulled that dive bombing stunt a time or ten, and like the little imp in his arms, she'd been wholly unrepentant about it.

“Burgers and dogs are ready,” Joe announced.

“Grab a plate, dig in.” Del tried to take Gracie, who was determined to stay right where she was.

“I'll wait.” Kayne snuggled the little sprite closer, though he knew he'd regret it later. “Let's get the kids fed first.”

“Maddy, grab the wipes and get everyone's hands clean while I start filling plates.” Jessica walked off without waiting for a reply. Her tone left Kayne wondering if she was that unhappy with his being there.

Managing to extract himself from Gracie by distracting her with his keys, he stepped into line behind Jessica. “Let me help you.” When the alarm to his truck started beeping off and on, Kayne cringed. He was going to end up regretting handing her those keys.

“Thanks, but I've got it.”

He noted Jessica blushing, the way she wouldn't make eye contact. Had he done something to embarrass her? Something she knew about, he amended, thinking again of her debut role in his fantasy.

“Hey, the least I can do is be your slave,” he teased.

Her reddening cheeks darkened.

Hm. What was that all about? He nudged her with his elbow. “You know, to make up for stalking you.”

“That one is for Grace.” She nodded to the plate in front of him.

“What else should I put on it?”

“Not much. She won't eat anything if the foods are touching in any way.”

That surprised a laugh out of him. “Natalia was just like that.”

“Who?” Jessica made eye contact with him for the first time.

“She was my daughter.” God, he didn't want to talk about this. Why the f*ck had he even mentioned her?

“Was?” Jessica’s voice was soft and hesitant.

He looked toward the snow-covered hill, watching Ash snowboard down it. “She was about Gracie's age when she died. Two years ago.”

“Oh, God. I'm so sorry, Kayne.” She rested her dainty hand on his forearm.

He couldn't help but look down, surprised at the strength in her grip. When he saw the tears welling up in her eyes, he had to look away, feeling his own threaten to do the same. He didn't want her pity.

Taking a quick step back he said, “I'll go get Ash for you.” Then he quickly walked away.

Kayne needed the walk to clear his head. He tried so hard to keep his kids off his mind, pissed at himself for mentioning Natalia to a stranger. He had no idea what the hell he was doing here. He'd planned on staying away from Jessica and her kids. He needed to stay away from them, because he knew one of these nights, as he sat on his couch with a bottle of whiskey and his loaded firearm on the coffee table in front of him, that he was going to screw up his courage and actually pull the trigger.

He never wanted to give anyone the chance to miss him the way he missed his children. He would not break someone the way Oksana had broken him.

Kayne watched Ash board down the little hill until he stopped next to him. “Lunch is ready.”

“I just want to board.”

Yeah, Kayne knew that feeling. Getting lost in some virgin powder sounded really f*cking good right now. “There will be other times.” Kayne held out his hand. “Come on, I'll pull you back.”

Ash took his hand without hesitation, his trust absolute, and Kayne remembered another little hand reaching out with unyielding faith. That little boy had been younger, not quite four.

Ash followed Kayne through the buffet line, copying his every move. They piled lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, and onions on huge, juicy cheeseburgers. Everything Kayne scooped onto his plate, Ash did too. Kayne wondered, for a moment, if Niki would have done the same as he grew older. He shoved the thought away; it was no use to think such things. His son was dead.

Knowing Ash was watching his every move, Kayne skipped the frosty beer he really wanted, and grabbed a bottle of ice cold root beer instead. He took the seat on the end of the picnic table, leaving a space between him and Isabelle as a buffer. He would eat and then leave.

Suddenly Isabelle jumped up and started dancing around. “I have to go potty!”

Jessica stood up, still holding Gracie. “Will you see if you can get her to eat something?” She plopped Gracie into Kayne’s lap, grabbed Isabelle's hand, and took off running without waiting for a response.

Gracie took a half-dozen bites off his plate then started rubbing her eyes with chubby little fists.

“Someone's sleepy,” Polly observed.

“Play in snow!” Gracie pouted, turning those big blues pleadingly toward him.

Kayne patted his shoulder. “Lay your head down until everyone is done eating.”

She nodded and snuggled up in his arms, laying her head against his chest and placing her fist over his heart. Like Natalia used to do. It was as if he was holding his daughter, and that thought sent a chill down his spine.

Kayne closed his eyes tightly and hummed a few bars of a Russian lullaby. Pulling the baby in close, he fought the waves of pain and longing that threatened to pull him under. He hadn't realized the Kevlar vest he'd been wearing last time had also been protecting his heart. It had protected him from remembering what it truly felt like to hold his daughter, as he held Gracie now.

He'd loved holding Natalia like this. Inhaling shampoo, baby powder, and innocence. He'd read her stories about princesses in faraway castles and knights who slayed monsters. On Sunday mornings, he'd curled up with his son on the couch, reading the sports section and the comics while his girls slept in. He remembered rocking Tasha to sleep in the old wooden rocking chair. He'd never had the chance to get to know his baby girl, and that f*cking killed him.

Goddammit, he didn't want to remember. It hurt so f*cking much. He didn't understand how a heart already dead could die a little more. But by holding Gracie like this, his just had.