JEFFREY ROSS: And now, ladies and gentlemen, a man whose name I never pronounce correctly because he doesn’t deserve my respect, Anthony Jeselnik.
ANTHONY JESELNIK: Thank you. Poor Jeff Ross—too ugly to come dressed as Honey Boo Boo Child, too fat to come dressed as her mother. (Laughter; Mandela smiles politely) President Mandela, I read that the reason you and your best friend left your small hometown for Johannesburg at age sixteen was to avoid an arranged marriage. (Mandela nods) So with all due respect to F. W. de Klerk: shouldn’t you be sharing your Nobel Peace Prize with this chick who was so hideous that she caused you to jump on a train for a thousand miles to avoid banging her? (Applause) But President Mandela isn’t the only Nobel laureate here—Archbishop Desmond Tutu is here. Yeah. Yeah. (Applause) Archbishop Tutu, in 2007 you convened a group with President Mandela, Kofi Annan, and others so that you could contribute your wisdom and leadership to tackling the world’s toughest problems. You named yourselves the Elders—sometimes referred to in the media as “The Council of Elders.” (Mandela nods) Some of you in the audience may know the group by its other name—“Lisa Lampanelli’s Dream Gang Bang.”
Lisa Lampanelli laughs so hard she falls out of her chair, picks herself back up, and waves to the crowd, receiving a standing ovation.
JEFFREY ROSS: And now, ladies and gentlemen, a living legend, Sarah Silverman.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Wow. So cool to be here! Wow! Ladysmith Black Mambazo is in the audience tonight. Guys, loved your last album. Loved it! You can really hear the Paul Simon influence. (Applause) President Mandela, you single-handedly and irreversibly changed the destinies of millions of South Africans. Of course, I’m talking about your failure to speak up about the AIDS crisis. (“Ohhhhs”) What’d I say? Archbishop Desmond Tutu is here. Archbishop Tutu, it’s funny that you’re a bishop, because in the international community’s approach toward poverty, aid, and economic relations, I’ve always thought of you as more of a pawn. (“Ohhhhs”) What’d I say? What’d I say?
JEFFREY ROSS: If our next roaster sang, the night would be over. But she’s not here to sing, she’s here to roast Nelson Mandela. Now, look out, Nelson: here comes the Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli!
LISA LAMPANELLI: Whoa! Look at all these hot black men! (Applause and “wooos”) You got Ladysmith Black Mambazo in the audience, you got Wayne Brady, Kofi Annan, Sisqo, Snoop Dogg, Archbishop Don “Magic” Juan, Archbishop Tutu—I feel like I’ve died and gone to fat-white-bitch heaven! Oh wait, except I can’t die up here—Pauly D already did that.
“Oooooohs” from the crowd. Pauly D blocks his expression of hurt with a fist, then “blows” the side of his hand so that a middle finger “inflates” toward Lisa Lampanelli; but he does this too slowly, and the camera cuts away mid-inflate. Nelson Mandela smiles politely.
ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, a special video message from His Holiness the Dalai Lama.
A video screen lowers.
DALAI LAMA (on video): Hello, President Mandela or, as I call you, Mandiba. I am sorry I cannot be there with you on this happy occasion. Also, I want to apologize that I missed seeing you at Desmond’s eightieth birthday party last year. I know the press reported that my visa had not been approved due to pressure from the Chinese government. But the real reason was I do not like your cooking!
Mandela laughs warmly.
DALAI LAMA: Remember, in life, the key to happiness is always to free the spirit …
Music cue as the Dalai Lama’s voice fades out. Chyron scroll: “For more exclusive wisdom from His Holiness the Dalai Lama and other hilarious moments cut from the broadcast, follow us online at mandelaroast.com!”
JEFFREY ROSS: Ladies and gentlemen, a living legend, one of the great men of all time, Gilbert Gottfried.
Sustained standing ovation.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: NELSON MANDELA IS ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY. (Applause) AND ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE FOURTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE THIRTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE TWELFTH CENTURY AND OF THE ELEVENTH CENTURY. NELSON, LOOK AT YOU, HOW OLD ARE YOU? NELSON MANDELA IS SO OLD, HE HATES HIS PRESIDENTIAL LIMOUSINE BECAUSE HE STILL CAN’T GET USED TO THE WHEELS! NELSON MANDELA IS ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE TENTH CENTURY AND ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE NINTH CENTURY AND ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE EIGHTH CENTURY AND ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE SEVENTH CENTURY— JEFFREY ROSS: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the man of the hour, a living legend, President Nelson Mandela!