The third fantasy comes at night. At first it came only in dreams, but now, often, I dream it instead of sleep.
I pick up the phone, and it’s a scientist, someone I’ve never met, and he’s out of breath with excitement. He talks so fast I can’t understand him at first. When he slows down, and it starts to be clear what he’s saying, I ask him if he’s saying what I think he’s saying, and he says yes, but it’s still not clear for some reason, and I keep asking him again, and he says yes, again, more clearly, more bluntly each time until it’s finally the truth, unmistakable. We figured it out, he says. We can make everything what it was, now that you understand the significance of everything that happened.
And then they put her on the phone, and she says one more thing.
The Comedy Central Roast of Nelson Mandela
The following is a transcript of excerpts from the unaired 2012 special The Comedy Central Roast of Nelson Mandela. There is currently no broadcast date for this special.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Nelson Mandela! With Jeffrey Ross! Lisa Lampanelli! Archbishop Desmond Tutu! Archbishop Don “Magic” Juan! Winnie Mandela! Sisqo! Anthony Jeselnik! Pauly D! Former South African prime minister F. W. de Klerk! Sarah Silverman! A special appearance by His Holiness the Dalai Lama! And Gilbert Gottfried! And now, ladies and gentlemen, the “Roastmaster General” himself, JEFFREY ROSS!
Jeffrey Ross enters dressed as Honey Boo Boo Child. He turns slowly to reveal his costume. He receives a standing ovation.
JEFFREY ROSS: What an honor to be here roasting President Nelson Mandela. (Applause) President Mandela, you’re a good sport, thank you for agreeing to be here. All proceeds tonight go to the Nelson Mandela Foundation, which fights poverty in Africa. (Applause) Poverty in Africa—I have a feeling your charity is going to be around for quite a while, President Mandela. (Applause) President Mandela, you took one of the most unjust nations on earth and made it what it is today: one of the most violent nations on earth. (Laughter) I’m not saying life is cheap in Africa, but when they make movies over there? They use blood as fake ketchup. (Laughter) And the stars really came out for you, President Mandela. Nobel Peace Prize winner F. W. de Klerk is here, everybody. Of course the “F. W.” stands for “Fucking Who?” (Laughter, de Klerk nods politely) F. W. de Klerk is the man who co-orchestrated the transition from apartheid rule to an era of democracy. Dr. de Klerk, you’ve somehow accomplished the impossible: you’ve made more black men happy than Lisa Lampanelli.
Lisa Lampanelli stands and makes an obscene gesture toward Archbishop Desmond Tutu. She receives a standing ovation.
JEFFREY ROSS: But we’re not here to talk about Lisa Lampanelli’s enormous vagina. We’re here to honor a great man, President Nelson Mandela. (Applause) President Mandela, you spent eighteen of your twenty-seven years in prison on notorious Robben Island, working on a limestone quarry. (Mandela nods) So in addition to bringing democracy to South Africa, you’re also responsible for some of the tackiest kitchen counters of all time. (Laughter) President Mandela, every time Charlie Sheen bangs some hooker on his kitchen counter, you are a small but important part of why it looks so goddamn disgusting.
Applause. Camera cuts to Charlie Sheen, in the audience, who squints and makes an “angry” face; Sheen then laughs and shakes his head—Naw, just kidding!
JEFFREY ROSS: And now, it is my pleasure to introduce a man known by millions and admired by none. A lot of people will accuse us of setting him up to fail tonight, but I strongly disagree—this man needs no help failing. Ladies and gentlemen, from Jersey Shore and your local Planned Parenthood Express Line, Pauly D!
A visibly nervous Pauly D takes the podium.
PAULY D: Nelson, you are the first president of South Africa ever to be elected in a fully representative democratic election. I just gotta ask: did they elect that shirt? (Silence, boos, Pauly D immediately starts to sweat) Nelson, you’re a great man. You showed the world that black and white can live together. (Pauly D pauses for applause, of which there is none) Along with gray—what’s with your hair?