Nantucket Blue

Thirty-eight





I SAT ON THE PATIO, wearing the construction paper birthday crown Liz had made me, taking deep breaths, trying to focus on the bouquet of yellow and white flowers in a vase in front of me, which had arrived just an hour ago. I’d read somewhere that flowers absorb negative energy, making the space around them more positive; this was why flowers made sick or angry people feel better. I was hoping it worked for worried people, too. It was almost four o’clock and I hadn’t heard from Jules or Zack since they’d left this morning at seven, even though I’d been calling both of them obsessively. As soon as Jules saw Zack sleeping shirtless beside me, she’d put Lulu and the waffle on the floor and left without another word. She slammed the door on her way out, which woke up Zack. When I told him what had just happened, he kissed me once and left to find her.

When the delivery boy dropped the flowers at the front desk and Gavin called out, “Flowers for the birthday girl!” I thought they were from Zack, and my heart pushed against my ribs as I stripped off my pink latex gloves and dove for the card. For a second I thought that maybe he hadn’t been able to return my four phone calls and six texts because Jules had been nearby, but somehow he’d found time to send me flowers. Or maybe, I thought, he felt that because we’d had sex for the first time last night, some higher form of communication was necessary—communication by flowers. But I opened the little white envelope and my eyes landed on the word Mom with a thud.

“They’re from my mom,” I said to Gavin.

“That was lovely of her!” Gavin admonished me gently. “Don’t sound so disappointed.”

It had been Liz’s day off. (I was surprised when she didn’t switch with me for my birthday, but she and Shane had both orchestrated Tuesdays as their day off and they were sacred to her. They refused to spend a single Tuesday apart. She was bringing him to my little birthday party.) She’d spent the night at Shane’s, so I hadn’t even been able to tell her what happened. I wondered if Bernadette had been able to sense my anxiety, because she’d been nicer to me than usual, meaning that she left me alone and didn’t make me crawl under beds to hunt the dust bunnies.

The first time I’d seen Liz today was fifteen minutes ago when she placed the crown on my head and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Shane and me to make awkward conversation on the patio. Thankfully, he’d gone inside after a minute, leaving me alone with my thoughts. My head was too busy and too tangled to make small talk. On the one hand, I was thrilled. I’d had sex! I was in love! I was different and my cheeks had been blushing for eight hours straight to prove it. I’d catch glimpses of myself in mirrors and place a hand on my new face. I was warm and glowing. At the same time, guilt and shame washed over me in waves, sending acid to my stomach. All I wanted to do was steal Liz away so that I could tell her everything, and she could both celebrate with me and reassure me that I wasn’t a terrible person, that what I’d done was understandable and okay, that Jules would come around and be happy for me.

I could feel the late afternoon sun burning my arms as I listened to Gavin and Liz gather plates, forks, and glasses for the iced tea for my mini birthday party.

“You look like one conflicted birthday girl,” George said as he walked up the porch steps. He was finally off of his crutches and was carrying something in his hand. It was wrapped in newspaper.

“I have a lot on my mind,” I said, forcing a smile.

“I can see that.” He put the newspaper-wrapped item in front of me. “Here. This is for you. Open it.”

“Wow, thanks, George.” I hadn’t expected a gift from him. I smiled when I saw the Apple logo on the box. “Oh my god, George, is this the new iPad?” It was the one that just came out. “Wow! Are you sure?”

“Yes.” George put his elbow on the table and rested his hand in his palm. He smiled. “Do you like it?”

“I love it! This is so nice.”

“You’ve been a great intern. I couldn’t have done it without you. It’s the least I can do.” He tapped out a beat on the table.

“It’s so cool.” I took it out of its box. “Thank you so much.”

“And check this out,” he said, motioning for me to hand it to him. He showed me a voice-recording app. “I don’t know if working with me this summer will have any influence on you, but just in case, I figure you should be prepared. You never know when you might find yourself in the middle of a great story. They’re happening all the time, and now you can record them.” He nodded at someone inside and put an arm on my shoulder. “Now, cover your ears, Thompson, I don’t want to hurt you with my singing voice.”

“Happy birthday to you…” George started as Gavin carried a dark chocolate cake decorated with a wreath of sugary violets and topped with eighteen sparkling candles out to the patio. Liz followed with a pitcher of iced tea topped with lemon slices, and Shane carried a tray of glasses, forks, and the nice, gold-rimmed china plates.

“Happy birthday to Cricket,” they all sang. “Happy birthday to you!”

As I was blowing out the candles, I wished for two things at once.

Liz shrieked. She was looking at the newspaper the iPad was wrapped in that I’d left on the table. It was The Inquirer and Mirror, the local Nantucket paper. “Cricket, it’s you!” she said, pointing at the cover photograph. “It’s you in your green dress with your secret boyfriend.” It was a big picture of Jay and me, kissing on Main Street. The headline read: “Young Love Blooms in the Perfect Summer Weather.” She laughed. “I guess he’s not your secret boyfriend anymore!”