Nanjing Requiem

Epilogue



51




A LICE SENT ME REPORTS about Minnie’s condition to forward to Dr. Wu. The words that follow are hers.

May 8, 1940



(SHANGHAI)

Our trip to Shanghai was peaceful and pleasant. I was told that the USS Luzon used to be the flagship of the Yangtze River Patrol, and Admiral Glassford of the U.S. Asiatic Fleet was on it. He was a kind man and came to our cabin twice to see if we were comfortable or needed anything. Minnie was quiet most of the time, and when she spoke, she would blame herself, saying that she had become such a burden to me and others. She seemed clear-minded about her illness and told me that she would recover soon and return to the work she’d left behind. Minnie looked happy at dinner and we shared the table with the admiral.



June 20, 1940



(IOWA CITY)

Our voyage to the States was quite rough. In fact, we boarded the Empress of Asia three weeks ago and sailed first for Victoria, British Columbia. We ran into John Magee, who had gone back to China last year to do relief work and was heading home. Minnie seemed at ease in his presence, but she was seasick, which worsened her condition. She told me that if I hadn’t accompanied her, she would have jumped into the ocean. That frightened me, and in some measure she acted suicidal, refusing to eat or drink. Reverend Magee, two other missionary passengers, and I took turns looking after her. We never left her alone.



Yesterday Minnie was admitted to the Psychopathic Hospital of the State University of Iowa. I am staying at a guesthouse nearby. Minnie is under Dr. Woods’s care and has a clean room, which looks out onto a small park, to herself. The doctor diagnosed her case as depression and said that most patients with this condition usually recovered within two months. So we should take heart.



July 9, 1940



(IOWA CITY)

I visit Minnie every day. Together we go out for a walk or call on local churches. We also stroll in a wood, where we do some lovely little devotionals of our own. This afternoon, she asked a nurse to telephone me, saying she wanted me to take her to the train station so we could leave Iowa once and for all. Of course the nurse refused to comply. When I went to see Minnie this evening, she felt ashamed and kept saying, “How could I do such a selfish thing?” I told her that it was over as long as she didn’t do it again.

“I must get well and stop being a burden to others,” she said.



She has been improving. I hope she will recuperate soon so that I can go to Texas and see my parents, but at present I should stay with my friend here.



I just heard from Rebecca Griest of Jinling’s board that they had raised $1,200 for Minnie. This is wonderful. Minnie is constantly worried about spending Jinling’s money on herself. I will share the good news with her tomorrow.



August 13, 1940



(IOWA CITY)

Minnie often says, “I built a wrong home in a wrong place—a home that was shattered easily. I should have known that a home doesn’t have to be a physical entity.” But then she will correct herself, saying, “I mustn’t grumble so much. Millions of Chinese have lost not only their homes but also their families in the war. Compared to them, I’m more fortunate.”



She wants to get well soon so she can return to Jinling. She has little family in America. Her brother wouldn’t come to see her. On the other hand, her hometown, Secor, Illinois, was preparing a big welcome-home reception for her, and they have named August 22 as Minnie Vautrin Day. Minnie knows nothing about this, nor do the folks in Secor know about her nervous breakdown. Dr. Woods thinks that at present it would be too risky for Minnie to return to her hometown, since any excitement might throw her into a deeper depression. I called Secor and explained the situation. The town was disappointed and even wanted to send delegates to Iowa City to see Minnie, but Dr. Woods would not allow that.



August 29, 1940



(IOWA CITY)

Sometimes Minnie is like a normal person, and sometimes she is very depressed. She follows the news of the war closely and is worried about the situations in China and Europe. She asks others to pray for her, saying that she believes in prayers as well as medicine and that she needs to be helped “out of the valley of the shadow.” Yesterday she said she should prepare to return to China for the next academic year. I pray for her every night.



September 26, 1940



(BROWN COUNTY

STATE PARK, INDIANA)

At Dr. Woods’s suggestion, we came to a state park in Indiana a week ago. He believes that the fresh air and the natural beauty of the surroundings will do Minnie good. She enjoys the peace and quiet here. Every morning we walk along the trails in the forest and also along the side of Ogle Lake, where a lot of waterfowl paddle around—they are not afraid of people and will take bread directly from your hand. Minnie likes feeding them.



The doctor has stopped the Metrazol treatment because it gave Minnie back pain and made her sore shoulders worse. Without any medical attention at the moment, she seems to continue recuperating.



October 20, 1940



(ALPINE, TEXAS)

We stayed at the Indiana state park for less than a month. Dr. Woods agreed to let me take her to my parents’ home in Texas. This is the only way I can keep watch on her while seeing my parents. Minnie likes the warm weather here and started helping my father in the garden. She wants to be “of some use.”



She often mentions Yulan, the mad girl in Nanjing, and says, “Who could imagine I too would end up unbalanced?” Sometimes she muses aloud, “I’m wondering how the Japanese will get their retribution for what they did in Nanjing.”



December 18, 1940



(ALPINE, TEXAS)

Minnie often claims that she will be confined in a mental hospital for good. She has been preparing gifts for Christmas. She has made a number of friends here, so she wants to surprise them with her gifts. Last week she sold two dozen fancy cards she brought back from China and donated all the proceeds, $12.50, to China Relief. Dr. Woods has instructed that we mustn’t give her any responsibility or remind her of the war atrocities.



January 25, 1941



(ALPINE, TEXAS)

Mrs. Robert Doan of the missionary society came to see Minnie. She found Minnie almost normal, she told me, and left two days later. She and Minnie seemed to have hit it off, and they often laughed when they were together. The other day we dined in a Mexican restaurant and Minnie even ordered her own food, which she hadn’t been able to do since last summer, as it was hard for her to make up her mind about almost everything. Before Mrs. Doan left, Minnie told us not to worry about her, saying she would get well soon and head back to China.



February 2, 1941



(ALPINE, TEXAS)

I was out of town for two days to see my sister’s twins. During my absence Minnie went to an emporium and bought thirty sleeping pills. When I came back, she was in a nasty mood and accused me of abandoning her. I said I had gone to visit my sister for just two days. “See, now I’m back with you,” I told her.



But she wouldn’t trust me. She took out the sleeping pills and popped them all into her mouth. I was horrified, and no matter how I begged her, she wouldn’t spit them out. I had to call for an ambulance to take her to the hospital.



I reported this incident to Dr. Woods immediately, and he urged me to take Minnie to a mental hospital in Indiana. The doctor emphasized that I must not accompany Minnie on the trip alone, so Mrs. Doan will come and together we will head for Indianapolis.



March 5, 1941



(INDIANAPOLIS)

Minnie didn’t enter the mental institution because Mrs. Doan found her another physician, Dr. Carter, who examined Minnie and concluded that she was recovering. The doctor resumed giving her hormone injections. Minnie has been staying in Mrs. Doan’s apartment downtown. In the morning she goes to Mrs. Doan’s office and helps her pack and label parcels to be shipped to China for refugees. In the evening they are together, reading, conversing, and going to the movies. Sometimes I join them. In every way she is getting better.



Mrs. Doan told me this evening that she was going to assign Minnie a more complicated job: selecting and filing articles on missionary education. Minnie likes the idea and feels that this will be a good way to get her mind back completely.



April 20, 1941



(INDIANAPOLIS)

Minnie is confident that she will go back to work at Jinling in the near future. In her letters to her friends she keeps asking everyone to pray for her. Dr. Woods and Dr. Carter both believe that she is recuperating. They are even allowing her to attend the International Convention of the Disciples of Christ in town. She is elated and is preparing to speak briefly on behalf of Jinling.



May 14, 1941



(INDIANAPOLIS)

Today when she was left alone in the apartment of Miss Genevieve Brown, the secretary of the missionary society, Minnie gassed herself by turning on all the jets on the stove. By the time I arrived at the hospital, she had passed away. We had her body shipped to a small church in the suburbs, where the chief pastor is a friend of Mrs. Doan’s. Minnie left a note saying that she ended her life this way because she was sure that she could never fully recover. She also mentioned that she had a will in a safety-deposit box in the bank.



For months Minnie had been expecting to hear from Jinling and to be invited back to China. The only letter that she received was two weeks ago, from her niece in Michigan, who was willing to take her in and care for her. Evidently someone had made an agreement with her niece, which Minnie construed as a means of abandoning her. After reading her niece’s letter, Minnie smirked. She was too proud to become a responsibility to others.



May 16, 1941



(INDIANAPOLIS)

We held a funeral for Minnie yesterday afternoon. Six people attended. The chief pastor read Psalm 23. No hymn was sung, since there were just the six of us. Mrs. Doan spoke briefly, saying: “Minnie Vautrin is also a casualty of war atrocities. She fought courageously and fell as a fighter.” I wish Mrs. Doan had said “as a hero.”



Minnie’s will was opened this morning. She had some savings in a Shanghai bank, 710 yuan in total, which she gave to Jinling as a fund for a scholarship. Also she donated to our college the 1.3 acres of land she bought last year. At the bottom of the will she had penned: “Jinling Forever!”