My Brother's Keeper

Chapter 11



EASTER 2005

Sunny

Dad makes me wear my blue summer dress with the daisies on it, even though the neck is scratchy. I ask him if Falcon is going to be lifted up to heaven by the angels and if heaven is like Rainbow’s End only none of the rides are scary. And I ask if angels really are like fairies only fatter. I tell him I hope the angels make the coffin take off like a rocket ship with flames bursting out the bottom because I know Falcon would like that the best, but Dad looks out the car window as if I’ve said something bad, even though it wasn’t bad and I whispered it so the man driving the car couldn’t hear.

I’ve never been in a church before and I don’t like it. Except I do quite like the big windows with all the coloured glass pictures. The coffin is already there but I don’t think the angels are coming to get Falcon. Kids from school walk up to it a bit scared and then the adults help them tie balloons to the handles on the side. Falcon’s too heavy and the balloons aren’t strong enough to lift it. Unless he’s really light now that he’s dead. If the angels don’t come, they’ll just have to put him in the ground with all the other coffins. Someone has put Robot Man and a football on top of the coffin. I’ve never seen the football before and I don’t know why it’s there. Robot Man is sitting there like he’s waiting for Falcon to open the lid and pick him up. There’s music playing and when I turn around to look for the person playing it the adults look at me but then their eyes slide away and they pretend they’re looking somewhere else. I don’t like it. And I don’t like it when adults stand up the front next to the coffin and say all those things about Falcon and I don’t like it when everyone sings really loud like they’re yelling. I don’t know any of the songs. Gran isn’t here. I know that without looking because she told me she wasn’t coming. She was mean to me and I hate her. Dad puts his hand on my knee and gives me his warning look to tell me to stop swinging my legs. I want to go home. Everything smells funny from the flowers. It makes my tummy feel sick and I wish I hadn’t eaten my toast even though Dad said I had to. I think I might vomit and that wouldn’t be good in the church. If the angels do come, they’ll have to crash through the windows, right through the coloured glass. I hope they don’t smash the one of the lady holding a baby. The lady and the baby both have big golden things like bike helmets on their heads but the lady’s wearing a crown with jewels under her helmet. She has a long blue dress like a princess and she looks really sad like a princess. And then the priest tells us to kneel and take a moment to think about Falcon, and everyone does but I don’t think about Falcon because I don’t know what to think about him. The wood smells nice and I put my teeth on it and bite it a little bit because Dad has his eyes shut. I like the feeling of it on my tongue. It tastes warm and brown and makes my tummy feel better. My teeth have left marks on it like when I bite my pencil. My teeth marks will stay there forever. Everyone stands up and Dad takes my hand so I know to stand up too. My knees are sore from when we had to kneel down but I don’t rub them in case it makes Dad angry. Then Mrs Pritchard from kindy brings some of the little kids up and they have to reach up high to put flowers on the coffin. I can’t see Robot Man any more because of all the flowers. He must be drowning in the flowers. I wonder what would happen if I saved Robot Man like the man saved me. The nurses were nice to me in the hospital and even let me keep the flappy slippers to take home, but they didn’t tell me Falcon was dead. Dad told me. He said the man saved me first because I was in the front and when he went back down for Falcon he was already dead.

Everyone sings ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ but I don’t, even though I know all the words, and then some men I don’t know lift up the coffin with Falcon in it and take it out of the church. Dad takes my hand and we walk behind it. Everyone stares at me, even though they pretend not to, and I can hear all the people sniffing and crying but I don’t look at them. The light coming through the door hurts my eyes. Maybe all that light is from the angels and they’re going to take us all up to heaven with Falcon. I tug at Dad’s sleeve to tell him I want to go with Falcon and the angels but, instead of bending down to hear me, he picks me up in his arms like when I was little and carries me out into the bright light.

Outside the light isn’t so bright any more but it’s still weird. They’re sliding the coffin into the back of the big black car like a tray going in the oven, but they leave the end sticking out and the back door open so people can put flowers on it. Dad puts me down and people come over and touch me and call me dear. I don’t like it. But the man who saved me comes up and smiles at me and I like it, but then he goes away again without saying anything. Everyone looks strange like they’re far away but their faces are really big, like balloons.

‘Where’s Mum?’ I say to Dad, but he doesn’t answer me. He’s looking at the coffin with all the flowers on it. His face is wet and puffed up from all the crying. ‘Where’s Mum?’ I say again and even though I know he’s heard me he doesn’t answer. The people beside Dad turn away, pretending they can’t hear me either. ‘I want Mum,’ I say, but I don’t really. I just want to see what Dad says. He turns his head and looks at me and I don’t know what he’s going to say. ‘It’s just you and me now, Sunny girl,’ he says.

I think of Mum standing at the kitchen bench with the weird light coming in the window and the way her eyes slide at me and make my tummy feel sick, and how the policeman put his hand on the top of her head to stop her banging it when she got into the back of the police car. She didn’t turn around to look at me when they drove away.



Dad hands me a flower. ‘Go on,’ he says. ‘Say goodbye to your brother and then we’ll go home.’ He gives me a little shove so I know to put the flower on the coffin. Everyone stands back so I can go right up to the coffin. I reach in and put the flower in the middle of all the other flowers and I feel the shiny plastic of Robot Man underneath all the flowers, like he’s drowned, like he can’t get out. I catch him and pull him out and hold him tight in my hand where no one can see and then I put him way down deep inside my blue pocket with the daisies on it where he’ll be safe.