Lightning Rods

Trial Balloons





MORE HIGHLY QUALIFIED PROFESSIONALS

Joe had said he had well-qualified individuals who were ready to walk through the door, which in retrospect had been overstating the case somewhat. It was one of those things a salesman just has to say. You get a sense for what someone wants to hear, and sometimes there’s something that you just know is going to clinch the deal. You say what you have to say, and then afterwards you clear it with head office. If you yourself are head office it makes it easier in some ways, because you’re obviously not going to give yourself a lot of shit, but on the other hand in some ways it gives you a whole new perspective on what head office has to put up with. Because the buck stops here. Whatever it was you said you could do, you personally are going to have to do it.

Anyway he had to come up with staff fast.

While it was not strictly untrue that he had well-qualified individuals who were ready to walk through the door, the individuals who were ready to walk through the door had answered ads for permanent jobs. Most were not prepared to leave their present jobs for a six-month position with the possibility of renewal. Luckily one of the best qualified applicants, a very bright gal, well turned out, good skills, unflappable, hadn’t turned a hair when he explained the nature of the job, said she would be willing to take a six-month assignment on one condition.

“If at the end of the six months they decide not to go ahead with the program,” said Lucille, “I want the option of staying on in the position for an additional six months at a salary 30% above the notional rate for the position, or, alternatively, a separation fee equivalent to 30% of the salary for six months plus one month’s salary, to compensate for the inconvenience to me of having to look for another job for the second time in a year.”

Joe had to hand it to her, she was one tough cookie. As long as none of the other gals got wise it was no skin off his nose.

“You got it,” he said.

“I’d like that in writing, obviously,” said Lucille.

“You got it,” said Joe.

One thing that you soon learn in business is that you should learn from your mistakes and stop kicking yourself. Making mistakes is how we learn. If you’re not making any mistakes, chances are you’re not taking enough risks, and sometimes just not taking risks is the biggest mistake you can make.

That was what Joe told himself when he discovered that his hard work in recruiting eighteen other women who thought they could be the woman in a thousand had all been for nothing, because all eighteen had answered ads for permanent jobs. In retrospect, that had been a mistake. Granted. But there’s no point kicking a dead horse.

So he picked himself up and started recruiting again, and within a week he had five gals prepared to try it out on a six-month contract, plus another five for camouflage. He wrote a new software program for the occasion. And he prepared himself for the last hurdle: a series of motivational talks with the individuals whom the package was designed to benefit.

Joe knew he would have to talk to the first beneficiaries of the program himself. He was going to have to talk to them one at a time, and he was going to have to choose his words carefully. One thing was for sure, if he explained it to a group it would never get off the ground. Everybody would be looking at everybody else to see how they were reacting, and it would be touch and go.

What he did was he arranged a day of brief appointments with the men in question. He explained about the dangers of inadvertently committing sexual harassment in the modern office. He explained that research had shown that the highest-performing individuals in a company were often the very ones who were put at risk. He commented that the thing about drive is you either have it or you don’t, and if you have it you can’t just turn it off at the flick of a switch. He explained that in view of these findings the company was placing a facility at the disposal of its highest-ranking performers, on an experimental basis.

Participants would be offered the opportunity anywhere from two to five times a week at randomly generated times of finding release for any pent-up physical needs. A notification would appear on a participant’s computer screen. It would be entirely up to the participants whether they took action or not. Administrators of the program would have no information as to uptake on the part of individuals. Participation or non-participation would be entirely confidential.

As Joe spoke on, the client would, typically, not say anything at first in case it turned out to be a joke. So Joe would flesh out the rationale of the program with material on the baboon in captivity, amplifying if necessary with other findings in primatology. He would point out that the ventro-ventral, or so-called “missionary,” position was virtually unheard of among other primates; that the ventro-dorsal position, or mounting from behind, was the preferred method of entry among virtually every primate known to man; and that we ignore nature at our peril.

While the client digested this unfamiliar material, Joe would continue to outline the logistics. A participant who had received notification, he explained, would be entitled to make use of the facility at his own convenience at any time before the end of the working day, at which time, unfortunately, the entitlement would no longer be valid. Should the participant choose to avail himself of the opportunity, he could either accept immediately or select the LATER option on the menu, in which case he would be allowed to either specify a later time, or simply wait until a convenient moment occurred and then click on the I’M READY NOW icon.

Any form of acceptance, Joe would explain, would activate a notification for a lightning rod; if the time was convenient she would report for duty, if it was inconvenient she would return the assignment to the pool for someone else to pick up. The identity of the lightning rods would remain confidential at all times.

Someone like Bill Gates could probably do this amount of programming standing on his head, but for Joe it represented a real challenge. He would have appreciated some sign that his clients were impressed by the sophistication of the product. For the most part, though, they seemed to focus on other things.

In fact he knew from the first moment he set eyes on them that the guys were a bunch of a*sholes. They all reacted in exactly the same stupid way.

“Let me get this straight,” they would say. “The company is offering this as part of its sexual harassment policy? Hoo boy!”

He had to remind himself that these people were keeping him in business. It was the fact that they were a*sholes that had left the CEO of a competitive company at his wits’ end how to deal with them. If they hadn’t have been Grade A a*sholes the CEO would probably not have taken a giant step for mankind in being the first American executive to introduce lightning rods to the workplace.

Besides, the thing to remember was that it was probably not their fault that they were a*sholes. They were not to blame for their upbringing. All you had to do was talk to them to realize that these were people with no class. It wasn’t their fault. They had just been brought up that way. The way to look at it was, if a guy, through no fault of his own, has not been brought up to treat women with respect, is it fair that his whole career should be put in jeopardy? Is it fair that on top of the disadvantage he has anyway in competing against guys who have been to Harvard and Yale, he should have the additional handicap of endangering his career every time he is in the vicinity of female personnel?

No. That isn’t fair, and an egalitarian employer with a commitment to democracy will do everything in its power to remove the obstacles in the path of disadvantaged employees. Hell, they’re legally obligated to provide a disabled toilet, well just because the law doesn’t compel an employer to consider the needs of socially disadvantaged employees doesn’t mean an enlightened employer can’t be ahead of his time.

That was how Joe got himself through it as he talked to one prize a*shole after another.

It was hard work, no two ways about it, but it was worth it.

Besides, it was nothing as compared to the almighty hassle of writing another software program.