Lightning Rods

THE NET CLOSES

One day Joe was sitting in his usual booth at the back of Stan’s Grill, eating a char-grilled burger and drinking an ice-cold Bud. It was the end of a long day, and when he’d had a long day he liked to come to Stan’s to unwind. Stan’s was almost empty—it almost always was, which was one of the things Joe liked about it, though presumably it wasn’t such a source of satisfaction for Stan.

Joe was just about to order another beer when a stranger walked in. He looked around, then walked down the length of the room with firm, even steps, and he stopped at Joe’s table.

“Mind if I sit down?” asked the stranger.

Joe looked at the room of empty tables. He looked up at the stranger.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

The stranger took out an ID from his inside pocket. “Walter Pike. FBI.”

Holy shit, thought Joe. “Please sit down,” he said.

The stranger seemed to know everything there was to know about Lightning Rods. Names, places, dates—the works. Also, he seemed to have a terrifying grasp of the law. He kept pointing out various legal irregularities relating to the services provided.

Joe couldn’t really think of anything to say so he just kept saying, “Is that so? I didn’t realize the law said that.” It was no more than the truth, since Joe’s attitude to the law was that it was something best kept at a safe distance—but for some reason the stranger seemed annoyed.

“Look, Joe,” said Walter at last. “You don’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation. You’re in big trouble. You’ve been operating this service of yours in all 50 states, which means that you’re not only in breach of Federal regulations on about 25 counts, you’re also in violation of something like 892 separate laws at the state and local level.”

“Huh,” said Joe.

“You’re in deep kimchi, pal,” said Walter, and he began to list the various statutes which had been flagrantly breached. Walter had watched a lot of Dragnet as a boy; he knew just how to make a criminal feel like dirt.

Joe thrust his hands in his pockets and waited for it to end. If you start up an innovative business something like this is always in the cards. You go into it with that knowledge. The important thing is to decide ahead of time what’s important to you.

There’s an old saying that goes something like this:

Lord, help me to have the patience to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Now, the United States of America, with its 50 states, has one of the most complicated legal systems in the world. You’re never going to change that; learn to live with it. Because the legal system is so complicated, it takes a lot of training to get on top of it, so that American lawyers are among the most expensive in the world. You’re never going to change that either. What that means is that in the early stages, when you’re just starting out, you can’t afford to pay a lawyer to find out what the law requires. If you’re starting up a new business, there’s always a possibility that some aspects of the business may not be within the strict letter of the law. But if you are doing something that happens to fall foul of the law, you don’t have a hope in hell of doing something about it.

What you need is the wisdom to recognize that fact, and the patience to accept it. If you can’t deal with it, fine, don’t start up a business. But if you’re going to take that attitude, you might want to think about where the country would be if everyone had waited to get the green light from the law in its current form.

The thing you have to remember is that the law is made by human beings, with all the flaws and imperfections that that implies. Like all of us, they’re just doing the best they can. They’re not telepathic. They’re not scientific geniuses. They can’t tell what the world is going to be like tomorrow, let alone ten years down the line, let alone however many years have elapsed before you happened to come along with your idea. In other words, there may well be laws in place which are inappropriate to the world in which your idea can give people a chance to lead happier lives. But the only way to determine whether that is the case is to give your idea your best shot and see whether it takes off.

If it does reasonably well, you’ll be able to afford a lawyer to tie up any legal loose ends that may have been left hanging. If it does spectacularly well, so that some of America’s largest corporations have made it a part of their business enterprise, you may well be able to bring about any little adjustments to legislation that may be necessary to square the law with what people turn out to need. If it doesn’t do so well, or if it does really well but prejudice stands in the way of legal reform, you can always just retire to the Cayman Islands with whatever profits you have managed to accumulate in the interim. The Cayman Islands have beautiful white sandy beaches washed by brilliant turquoise seas, and if you can’t be content to spend your declining years in that kind of environment you’re obviously the kind of person who’s going to be miserable wherever they are, you might as well be in jail for all the difference it will make.

This was the way Joe had looked at the question of the law when he started out. Now of course, most of his clients had probably assumed that he had actually cleared the legalities before hanging up his shingle; they would probably be pretty upset to find they had been embroiled in something that was not strictly legal. But some of these clients packed a big punch. If they decided a facility was essential to the effective running of their operations, they could deal with the law a whole lot more effectively than Joe could. Even if they were upset, they would not let their emotions rule them; they would determine the level of value of the service, and take measures accordingly. And it was Joe’s bet that not one of his clients would want to go back to the bad old days of unread guidelines and embarrassing workshops and sexual harassment tribunals, the days of not knowing when or where the ax would fall, the days when the most minor and dispensable of employees could suddenly turn up with a suit for a million bucks in damages.

Still, there’s no point in gratuitously alienating an FBI agent. However philosophical you may be about being in breach of Federal regulations, if an FBI agent starts going into detail it’s only polite to show concern.

“Gee,” said Joe. “That’s terrible.”

Something in Walter’s expression suggested he had not shown enough concern.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is just tell the truth.

“Well, the way I see it,” said Joe, “is what would our Founding Fathers have done?”

“What do you mean?” asked Walter.

“Well, the reason we had the Revolution in the first place was no taxation without representation, am I right?”

“Sure,” said Walter.

“But if you think about it, that was really just part of a larger issue, which was that people were being governed by laws which were none of their making. The fact of the matter is, Walter, that the overwhelming majority of laws in this country were made before you and I were even born, by people who couldn’t represent us because we didn’t exist. Now I don’t know if you know this, but Thomas Jefferson said each generation should make its own laws and not be bound by the laws of its parents.”

“I didn’t know Jefferson said that,” said Walter.

“Many people don’t,” said Joe. Joe had learned the fact in eleventh grade, in his American history class, at a time when the class was still called Americanism versus Communism, and he had never forgotten it. “And as a matter of fact,” Joe went on, “we can actually see why that should be so. If your parents were anything like mine they were probably quite conservative on sexual matters. What Jefferson saw was that you have to make your laws fit where you’re at now.”

“Well, that’s very interesting,” said Walter, “but—”

“Also, the South had every right to secede,” said Joe, drawn on by process of association to the other thing he remembered from eleventh grade. “If you think about it, they had just as much right to break away as the colonies did to break away from England in the first place. The only actual difference was that they were on the same continent. Well, you’re not going to tell me we should write to the Queen of England and apologize and explain that it was all an unfortunate misunderstanding. You’re not going to tell me it’s all right for Hawaii to secede because it’s off in the Pacific. Nossir. Which isn’t to say that slavery is not a terrible wrong. I’m not saying for one second that Lincoln was not a great man, I’m just saying sometimes we have to keep our heads and not get carried away by the Gettysburg Address.”

“Well, I see what you’re saying,” said Walter. “And I have to say I never thought of it that way before. But for all practical purposes the law is the law.”

“I accept that,” said Joe. “I’m just pointing out that when Thomas Jefferson takes a different view, we have to ask whether we haven’t gotten side-tracked somewhere along the line. Maybe we’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Maybe we’ve failed to separate the wheat from the chaff.”

“Well, Joe,” said Walter. “You may be right, and you may not be right. That’s not for me to decide. I don’t make the laws; that’s not my job. It’s my job to enforce the law in its present state.”

“I appreciate that, Walter,” said Joe. “I know you’re just doing your job.”

“At the same time, it’s sometimes necessary, in the interests of national security, to take a larger view.”

As soon as Joe heard that he knew his immediate problems were over. He might end up in jail, but at least Walter wasn’t going to haul his ass off to jail in the near future.

“Stan,” he called over, “another coupla beers over here.”

The beers came, and Walter said, “But you’re right about one thing. Times have changed. That’s why I think this has such a big contribution to make to the nation as a whole.”

“In what way?” asked Joe.

“Well, for better or worse, the sexual drive of men in office is one of the biggest nightmares national security has to deal with. It opens the person in question to pressures you really don’t want a person in that position to be under. Blackmail. Coercion. Extortion. In the old days, when the press knew their place, it wasn’t so bad. JFK could do what he damn well wanted and the press would just look the other way. Today it’s a whole different ball game.”

“You can say that again,” said Joe.

“Now the way I see it,” said Walter, “is that by incorporating anonymity into your program you have actually stumbled on a feature that could make it very very helpful to men in authority. The whole worry about who someone has been involved with and what she might say would wither away. Because the thing is, the problem isn’t somebody knowing what the guy has been up to—in the interests of national security, the Bureau has got to be kept apprised at all times. The problem is there’s been no way to keep the girl from knowing.”

Walter gave a world-weary smile. “Now don’t get me wrong, Joe, but I think we can both agree that the product is not up there with Marilyn Monroe. But times, as I say, have changed. I think our leaders today recognize that they can’t expect the same liberties people in their position could avail themselves of twenty or thirty years ago. I think the advantages of the program will make it very very attractive. And if we can work together to put something in place that deals with this issue effectively, I can guarantee you we’ll find a way to get around the various statutes you are currently in violation of.”

The fact is that every FBI agent looks back wistfully to the rapport between J. Edgar Hoover and the Oval Office. Ideally, the FBI should maintain that record of achievement. In fact ideally the FBI would establish that level of rapport with the incumbents of every public office at the state as well as national level. And it would be even more ideal if the FBI could have that kind of rapport with everyone in the country.

Now as soon as Walter started investigating Lightning Rods it had occurred to him that that ideal was nowhere near as unattainable as it had seemed heretofore. If the FBI had input into an innovative employment agency of this nature it would be bound to raise its levels of rapport to heights hitherto undreamed of. And of course there were all kinds of ways the Bureau could help to broaden the client base in directions where rapport had top priority.

Joe hesitated. In a way he was being offered an easy way out. With the FBI on his side he could stop worrying about the law. Or rather, to be accurate, he could go on not worrying about the law, safe in the knowledge that the FBI had everything under control. And I don’t care what kind of hot shot you’ve got as a lawyer, no matter what you’re paying he’s never going to match that kind of guarantee.

On the other hand, he was used to running his own show. If he let the FBI in, they might well end up making a lot of demands that he would be in no position to refuse. Already Walter was talking offhandedly about doing away with something that was absolutely essential to the integrity of the firm: the anonymity that Joe had guaranteed both clients and staff. Now of course, it hadn’t been possible to get things up and running without explaining the nature of the service to potential users—but knowing who the service has been offered to and knowing who actually uses it are two very different things. The computer generated opportunities and made them available to participants, who could accept or decline as they saw fit. Neither Joe nor anyone else knew what participants chose to do—no one knew except the actual participant himself.

On the other hand again, how much choice did he actually have?

“Something you got a problem with?” said Walter. An FBI agent has to know when a show of force will be effective, and when to give someone a little space. If you’re trying to get someone to cooperate with the Bureau on a long-term basis, it’s usually better if they feel they’ve made the choice of their own free will.

“It’s just,” said Joe.

“Just what?” said Walter. “Remember, I’m here to help you. The Bureau thinks you’re doing some very important work, Joe. The thing is, though, that you’ve cut a lot of corners. A free society is only possible if everyone in it plays by the rules. People can’t be allowed to treat the law with contempt, Joe. That’s where the FBI comes in.”

“It’s just that anonymity really is essential to the product,” said Joe. “People who make use of the product are placing their trust in Lightning Rods. They’re relying on Lightning Rods to protect their anonymity. After all, if they wanted they could always get satisfaction elsewhere. Anonymity is our key selling point. If we take away that anonymity in my view we’d be cheating the client. And that’s not how I do business.”

“I’m glad you brought that up, Joe” said Walter. “It’s important to get these things out in the open. We can’t afford to have any misunderstandings if we’re going to be working together.”

Joe didn’t like the sound of this. He signaled to Stan for another couple of Buds.

“I’ll tell you how I see it, Joe,” said Walter. “I can see a place for anonymity in the private sector, unless, obviously, an individual in the private sector was giving cause for concern. In which case obviously we’d want to keep track of his movements. But in the public sector a different set of rules apply. The thing is, though, let’s not get obsessed with a single issue. Let me explain where I think you can make a real contribution, and see how it grabs you.”

“OK, shoot,” said Joe. He remembered suddenly that he was speaking to someone who carried firearms. “Let me rephrase that,” said Joe.

Walter laughed. “That’s all right, Joe. We’re trained to only resort to violence as a last resort. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. You’re in safe hands.”

Joe gave a half-hearted smile.

“Let me explain where I’m coming from,” said Walter. “The thing is, Joe, you don’t understand what it’s like for people in public office. I’m not just talking about the ones who make the headlines—the ones with strong sexual urges beyond their control. In some ways those are the least of our worries. The fact is, anyone in that kind of position is under constant pressure. They go into office thinking they’ll be in a position of power, and what they discover is that they’re constantly having to appease people. The ones we at the FBI really worry about are the ones who just repress it. You don’t know when, or how, they’re going to blow. Now as I see it, a service such as yours could provide a safety valve for people who could otherwise do a lot of damage—without making them vulnerable to unscrupulous people who would take advantage of their need for a safety valve.”

“I’m sure it would do all that and more,” said Joe. “My point was just that I’m not comfortable with introducing the element of surveillance—”

“What I’m saying,” said Walter, “is that in the circumstances of the public sector anonymity is not viable. Appropriate monitoring is indispensable. What I want you to ask yourself, though, is whether the greater good achieved, by making the service available to these vulnerable individuals, wouldn’t outweigh the sacrifice of this particular feature of the product.”

Joe sighed.

“I see what you’re saying, Walter,” he said. “But this really is a radical departure from the Lightning Rods philosophy as I understand it.”

“I understand that, Joe,” said Walter. “But the thing you have to remember is, as things stand, legally you could be closed down tomorrow. Maintaining the service in its present form is not really an option at this present time.”

Joe finished off his Bud and put down the can.

“The thing to remember,” said Walter, “is that the Bureau would identify suitable venues for installations. We would provide a range of locations that you, as a private businessman, would have difficulty accessing.”

A good FBI agent knows when his words have struck home. Walter could tell that the subject was beginning to lean in his direction.

“That’s why I’m saying, you should try to avoid getting obsessed with a single issue,” he said persuasively. “Essentially, we’re offering you the chance to stop worrying about the legalities and develop the product to its full potential.”

There comes a time when you have to recognize that you can’t always do things exactly according to plan. Like it or not, Joe was beginning to accept that this was one of those times. And compared with serving several concurrent life sentences the offer was not unattractive.

“This is a rare opportunity for you to serve your country and make a profit at the same time,” said Walter.

“You’re on,” said Joe. “And you know, Walter, it’s really not as bad as it looks.”

“Oh really?” said Walter. “How do you figure that?”

“Well, at least I’m not in violation of the Equal Employment Opportunities Act.”