“Can I ask you about your relationship with Max? Do you mind telling me?”
Jake’s serious face told me that he was wary of my answer, but he also seemed quite intent on knowing everything about me. Hoping for a deeper relationship, I didn’t want to keep anything from him. He gave me more peace in my heart than I had felt in a long time. I could tell that this was a man who would complement my life entirely, if I’d allow myself to love him. My heart wanted to give it a try.
“Tell me everything. Don’t worry about what I might think or feel. I also would like to know what happened with you and Max last night, if you don’t mind.”
I hesitated, wondering how much of myself to reveal. Would he want to know the whole truth about Max and me? My answer would hopefully add another dimension to our promising relationship.
“Max and I met our freshman year in college. It was absolute love at first sight for both of us.”
“Lucky guy!” Jake interrupted. “So what about him did you like so much?”
I instantly laughed at this question. “You guys are both so funny.”
“What do you mean?”
“Max asked me the same question last night. He asked what about you I liked so much.”
“So what did you tell him?”
“I think I’ll keep you guessing on that one.” I winked.
“Max and I met in the cafeteria of our freshmen dormitory and we immediately started hanging out. Because I felt so alone after my mom died, I happily accepted the chemistry between us. There was this crazy bond that formed, and we couldn’t stay away from one another. We didn’t declare our feelings for one another till after the first month, but it was obvious to everyone around us that we were a couple. We spent our entire college life inseparable. I thought we were going to get married. The only thing that was a hindrance was the fact that Max wasn’t the most motivated of students. He was super smart, but he didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life and this bothered both of us. Although we had no idea how he would support a family, if it came to that, we were so in love, we didn’t care.”
With my every sentence, Jake’s expression turned from curious to somber. He was hurt by my fervent accounts of our college years.
“I’m sorry, Jake. You didn’t need to hear all of that. I got a bit carried away.” I apologized repeatedly.
“No, it’s all right. I asked for it,” he stated with a bit of masochistic chivalry. “Continue…”
At this point, I wavered between taking a bite of steak from Japan or continuing my saga with Max. Seeing Jake’s anxious face, the beef needed to wait.
“Well, there’s not much more to say. On graduation day, Max appeared nervous all day and tried to avoid me, so I thought he was going to ask me to marry him. Instead, after the ceremony, he broke up with me, giving some excuse about not being ready for a serious commitment. Just like that, he let go of four years and the bond that I thought could never be broken…broke.”
Jake could see the pain on my face. I didn’t know how to explain to him that this feeling left in my heart was not love, but hurt. I wanted Jake to believe it was over between Max and me, and that I had finally let go of the past—if not entirely, almost entirely.
Jake tried to break up my glum mood and asked me again about Max’s question from last night.
“Well, I told Max how comfortable I feel with you. I feel protected and secure, and I can be myself with you. Although I’ve only known you for a short while, it’s like you’ve been with me my whole life. I don’t know. It’s a bit strange but you’re the only person, aside from my parents, who makes me feel entirely comfortable. I can’t quite explain this. Max got very angry with me last night when I told him this.”
“You mean you’ve never felt entirely comfortable with Max?”
“With Max, I was always trying to please him. My whole world revolved around him. I think I was infatuated with him. Max appeared at a time in my life when I had nobody but my grandparents. My parents were gone and I didn’t have any siblings. Max not only became my boyfriend, but he also became my only family. I think I smothered him. Maybe I was a borderline stalker. That’s probably why he eventually broke up with me.”
We both got a good laugh.
“You want to know the hardest part about this breakup?”
Jake appeared wary again.
“I guess I’m going to tell you regardless. All the loves in my life left me without any warning—my dad, my mom, and Max. I don’t think I ever loved anyone as much as I loved these three people, and I felt abandoned by all of them.” The tears hovered again. “I had a tough year and a half letting go. I had lost four years of my life.”