“And I loved you too,” he shouted back.
“I know you did, but I always felt like I loved you more, a lot more. Many times, I thought that my love for you bordered on obsession. My main concern was to make you happy. I wanted always to please you. My world revolved around you and your needs, and I probably choked you by being so needy.” Suddenly, I sat back in my stool and stopped my defense. “Wow, I think I just had an epiphany. I see now why you said you needed your freedom on graduation night. I suffocated you.” Relieved to finally understand our separation, but aching like I did on our broken night, I quickly changed the subject so I wouldn’t hurt so much again.
“So, tell me about Jennifer. She seems like a really nice person. I got to talk to her a bit during dinner.”
Max didn’t confirm or deny anything I said. He looked visibly upset, but answered my questions.
“After we broke up, I actually ended up in the hospital.”
“What! What happened? Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” he answered reluctantly. “I got into a car accident and Jen works in orthopedic rehab, and that’s where we met. She really helped me through a tough time. I thought I wouldn’t be able to use my legs again.”
“How did this happen? How did you get so hurt?” Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I hurt knowing that Max hurt. No matter what our relationship, I still saw Max as an extension of myself—even with Jake in my life.
Silently, I chided myself.
Emily, why can’t you get a hold of yourself? Why do you have to wear your emotion on your sleeve?
Vulnerable. Transparent. Weak.
That was me in a nutshell.
With a comforting smile, Max placed both hands on my cheeks and wiped away my tears with his thumbs. He then pulled me toward him and held me.
He whispered, “It’s OK. I’m fine now. It was a freak accident, and I’m completely rehabilitated.” He slowly added, “It feels nice to hold you again, Em” and didn’t let go of me.
His words created an unwanted spasm in my heart, making me pull away from him. My eyes were down, embarrassed I was crying.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to get so emotional. I think two glasses of wine and no food are getting to me. I’m glad you’re OK. Go on.”
“Jen helped me rehab daily and her kindness won me over. I guess you are right. I do like being taken care of by women.” He chuckled lightly.
“Max, everybody likes to be taken care of, it’s not just you.” In my heart I wondered why Max couldn’t have taken care of me just a little bit more…
With a look of regret he continued his story. “After the car accident, I finally decided I wanted to go to medical school, and I studied hard for the MCATs, then applied everywhere. Once med school started, I realized this was where I should have been all along. It’s been a long time coming for me. My big regret is that I didn’t get my act together back in undergrad, but I suppose it’s better late than never.”
“I’m very happy for you. You finally found what you want to do with your life. I’m sure you will do well in school, since you are the brightest person I know.” I was truly thrilled for Max. It made me happy to know he had found a career path and would make something of himself. I always knew he would.
After our meal, we walked a little and continued our conversation. I could tell by his pensive look that he had something else on his mind but was afraid to tell me.
“Em?”
“Yes?” I replied, my eyes staring into his soft brown eyes.
He stopped walking and held both my hands. In all ways, I feared what would come out of Max’s mouth, but I also hoped that perhaps I could find closure. I wanted to start again without baggage. My feelings for Jake blossomed with each date, but I couldn’t comprehend this last hold Max had on me.
“I know I really hurt you on graduation night. I want to say I’m sorry for messing things up so badly. You believe I loved you with all my heart, don’t you?”
Max could be so tenderhearted when he wanted to be. He put both his arms around me and held me against his body. My arms went limp—a dead weight hanging by my side. I bit down on my lips to stop from crying. With resolve, I vowed to end all emotional ties with this man whose chest heaved a large sigh against my heart. There would be no more tears, no more hurt.
“Em, I’m so sorry for hurting you. That was truly not my intention graduation night. Please don’t believe that I didn’t love you as much as you loved me. I was just too stupid and immature to know what I had. You were my world.” His broken face broke my heart.
I stopped him from saying any more.