I Swear

25. JILLIAN

“What are we doing here?” Beth’s face was ashen as she stared out of the car at the Highline Performing Arts Center.

“We are here to support Katherine,” I said.

We both sat there looking blankly at the building for another minute in complete silence, watching parents and grandparents and friends and relatives and sisters, and older brothers who were excited for the swimsuit competition, and little brothers who were dragged there, as they filed from the parking lot into the building for the Miss Washington Teen USA Pageant.

“Do we have to go in there?” Beth asked. “Katherine will be onstage. She’ll have lights in her eyes. She’ll never know if we were here or not.”

“Macie will,” I said.

“I don’t care,” said Beth. “I don’t ever want to see her again.”

“Unfortunately, you will. Besides, we promised,” I said. “This is it. If Katherine wins Miss Washington Teen, she goes to Miss Teen USA. Besides, if we don’t show up after the last twenty-four hours, Macie wins.”

Beth sighed. “This used to be so fun. I love watching Katherine in these pageants. She’s so poised and pretty, and personable.”

“Nice alliteration.” I smiled.

“Perfect.”

I laughed. “C’mon. Let’s get in there.”

Macie and Krista were coming out of the bathroom when we walked into the lobby, and when we saw them, Beth and I stopped in our tracks. I could feel my stomach sweep up into the back of my throat and then free-fall into my toes in the one one-hundredth of a second that it took for my brain to get the signals from my eyes that it was Macie standing there with Krista at her side, staring in my direction—directly into my eyes.

Everything went silent behind a roar in my ears. It was like I was seeing Macie again for the first time, and I remembered kindergarten—Miss Keeler’s class. The Merricks had just moved to the school district so that Mr. Merrick could run for the city council seat there, but I didn’t know that yet. I was outside at recess on the first day of school, in the four-square lines with a kickball, getting ready to serve, when I saw her walk out onto the playground.

Macie stopped and looked across the blacktop, and when we locked eyes, we just stared at each other for a second. Then I smiled. I’m still not sure why. She smiled back and raised her hand, waved like she’d known me for years, and ran toward me. That afternoon, we waited for our moms on the curb together in the pick-up line, and she gave me a sticker and called Jake a “fart monster,” and that made me laugh so hard I cried. The rest just sort of happened.

We’d survived chicken pox in fifth grade together, and Robby Garret telling everybody he made out with us at his birthday party in sixth grade. We’d even made it through last year, when she decided to run for student council president with Katherine instead of me.

Now, here we were, seeing each other again—for the first time. She knew about Brad, and about Beth, and as we locked eyes, everything went silent and I felt this place inside me open up. Like an hourglass there were little particles rushing out of me—was it strength or courage or hope? All I knew was that I was desperate to stop it from draining away from me.

And in that moment—as we held each other’s gaze across the lobby—I felt my heart racing and my stomach dropping. I suddenly wondered how I’d gotten here to this place where the fear of losing my history made me risk my future. And in spite of it all, I took a deep breath.

Then I smiled.

I’m still not sure why.

She smiled back and raised her hand, waved like she’d known me for years, and ran toward me.

The rest just sort of happened.

• • •

Katherine was gorgeous and flawless until the interview portion of the evening gown competition—usually her strongest category.

Surrounded by girls in spangles and Mylar and bugle beads, Katherine entered the stage at the top of the staircase in a simple red organza sheath, the color of blood. Both the neck and back draped in a low swag, her mocha skin glowed, solitaire earrings sparkled in the spotlight, and a single strand of diamonds glittered at her neck. The dress clung to her lightly, all the way down to diamond-studded Jimmy Choo high-heel sandals that flashed with each step as they peeked out from beneath her hem. A slight flared train flirted with the floor behind her as she walked.

Katherine’s hair was twisted up like Audrey Hepburn’s, and her long, red fingernails barely brushed her thighs as she easily walked down the stairs; the air under her arms perfectly highlighted her figure. She didn’t walk. She floated.

All the other contestants in the top ten had been greeted with cheers and whistles and little brothers with air horns when they were announced for the evening gown/interview portion of the pageant. Before anyone cheered for Katherine, there was a gasp and a silence, and then a roar that rivaled the moment Beth nailed the dismount for her beam routine at the meet last year.

When she reached the microphone, she smiled and nodded to the judges. The emcee, Vince Grayson, the weatherman for the FOX News affiliate in Seattle, had to wait for the cheering to stop before he asked her the question. Macie’s eyes were glued to the stage, her jaw turned up. Our seats were in the fourth row, on the right side of the center section. I looked over at her when she reached out to grab my hand. She kept staring right at Katherine, and then Vince was reading Katherine’s question—the question that had been chosen for her at random.

“Katherine, the issue of cyber-bullying has been in the news lately with a rash of recent teen suicides across the country, one reported here in Seattle. Have you or any of your friends ever been the target of cyber-bullying, and if so, what would you do as Miss Washington Teen to reach out to those both perpetrating and suffering from online bullying?”

I couldn’t breathe. I felt a sharp pain in my left hand and realized that Macie was squeezing it so tightly I thought she was going to break my fingers, but I couldn’t move. The entire auditorium sat in silence as the question echoed across the stage and landed in our collective ears like an atom bomb. No one made a sound. No one moved.

Katherine’s smile slowly faded. Her shoulders, which had been thrust back in a perfect pageant stance at the microphone, drifted downward as she seemed to study the diamond strap across the toes of her right foot.

As the pause grew longer and more uncomfortable, Vince hesitantly raised his microphone again. “Katherine?” he asked from the podium at the side of the stage.

When she looked up, the lights hit the tears that were running down Katherine’s cheeks.

She looked out at the audience, up to the balcony, and then directly toward the four of us sitting in the fourth row. Then she looked down at the judges and leaned into the microphone.

There was no well-trained smile. There was no practiced prose. There was just a gorgeous girl, in a red dress, crying.

“There was a girl at my school,” Katherine said softly. “Her name was Leslie. She was beautiful, and she killed herself.” Katherine’s voice cracked, and she looked down at her feet again. She took a deep breath and tapped beneath her eyes to try to wipe the tears without smearing her eyeliner.

She brought her head up with the same resolve that I had seen that day when she told Macie that Leslie’s parents were suing us. “She was bullied,” said Katherine, her shoulders back again. “She was bullied by people I knew, by my best friends. And instead of stopping them, I joined them.”

She looked down at the judges. “I was afraid. I was afraid that my best friends wouldn’t like me anymore. I wasn’t strong enough to say no.”

Beth was crying quietly on my right. Macie’s vise grip on my hand had turned tighter. Krista was staring at the stage with her jaw unhinged.

Katherine turned to address the panel of judges. “I don’t deserve to represent the state of Washington at a pageant or anywhere else. I’m removing myself from the competition tonight. I wanted to apologize publicly and say that this will be my final pageant.”

A hush fell over the auditorium. Katherine stared up into the lights above the balcony.

“Leslie Gatlin, wherever you are . . . I’m sorry.”

Then she gazed out at the audience one final time, turned, and stepped out of the spotlight.

The audience was stunned. Macie immediately let go of my hand and began texting. Krista put her face into her hands. Beth dropped her tissue and was reaching under her chair for it. I realized I was the only one watching as Katherine stepped away from the microphone and did her required walk and turn before heading back up the stairs and through the set to the offstage area.

She walked with a stride I had never witnessed: a slow, steady boldness filled with resolve. It was as if she weren’t alone on that stage. It was like she was leading an army of people behind her. In that moment I would’ve followed her anywhere.

She had never been more beautiful.

• • •

Brad was sitting next to Macie and Krista in the booth at Marv’s when Beth and I arrived.

“Hi.” I smiled. He nodded and looked away.

Macie slapped her phone down onto the table.

“When is Katherine getting here?”

“Is she coming?” asked Beth weakly.

“If she knows what’s good for her,” said Macie. “God, after that stunt tonight, I could just brain her.”

“Stunt?” I asked with a frown.

“Oh, please!” Macie shook her head and rolled her eyes at the ceiling. “Don’t tell me you bought that load of crap!”

“I don’t think it was crap,” said Beth.

“Oh, gimme a break,” said Krista.

“I don’t think she was acting,” I said quietly.

Macie opened her mouth to say something, then I saw her eyes turn to behind me. “Well, here she comes,” she said quietly.

I turned around and ran toward Katherine. I threw both arms around her in the middle of the restaurant.

“Hi,” she whispered.

“You were amazing,” I said.

She smiled at me shyly, then we turned around and walked to the table.

Macie crossed her arms in the booth. “You know, you’d probably be Miss Washington Teen right now if you hadn’t pulled that stunt during your interview,” she said.

Katherine looked at her and shook her head. “When are you gonna get it, Macie?”

Macie’s chin dropped and her eyebrows shot up. “When am I gonna get what?”

“That this is over,” said Katherine.

“Oh, nothing is over, VP,” said Macie. “Your deposition is on Monday afternoon, is it not? And mine is on Tuesday. When we’re done, the Gatlins won’t have a case, and this will all go away. In the end, we’ll go back to school, and things will quiet down. We’ll be back to normal before you know it,” she sneered at Katherine.

Katherine squinted at Macie and said, “Normal? Macie, there is no more ‘normal.’ Our reputations are falling apart.”

“Well, yours is, at least,” said Macie. “You made sure of that tonight in front of fifteen hundred people and the local media.”

“Macie, you know that reporter who broke the story on Marty’s stint in rehab in the Seattle Times? Steve Garrison?”

“What about him?” asked Macie.

“Josh Phillips got a call from Mr. Garrison, and Josh is talking. They’re planning a huge cover story about high school bullying and how Braddock is going to crack down. He’s talking big about criminal charges in bullying cases.”

“He wouldn’t dare,” said Macie smugly.

“I don’t know what you think you have on Graham Braddock, but his daughter Elaine is pushing him to come down hard on this issue. Apparently high school was no picnic for her.”

“Well, the DA can decide to do what he wants, but if he pushes this, my dad is ready with a few financial statements from Mr. Braddock’s last campaign,” said Macie fiercely.

“And Josh Phillips is ready with a video of your brother,” said Katherine quietly.

For the first time all night, Brad actually looked at me. “What?” he asked.

“Ask Macie,” Katherine said. “She tipped off Braddock. She told him that Josh was Marty’s pot supplier. She’s been holding this over him since ninth grade, and she tried to hit him where it hurt.”

Katherine paused and slid into the booth. She looked at Macie, whose eyes were narrowed and her jaw clenched.

“Only, Macie’s plan backfired. The DA gave Josh immunity for testifying about the video during his deposition,” Katherine explained.

“What video?” Macie asked.

“Josh has video of Marty exchanging cash for drugs. When your dad’s people called Braddock to tell him that his daughter’s boyfriend was a drug dealer, he sat Josh down and gave him a hard choice. If Josh talks to this reporter, your dad will never run for anything again.”

“There is no video,” scoffed Macie. “Besides. How do you know any of this?”

“I’ve seen his deposition.”

Macie leaped to her feet and toward Katherine. The table jumped, knocking water glasses everywhere. Suddenly we were all on our feet, and Macie was shouting.

“You’ve seen his deposition? You are a liar! You told me that you couldn’t get the video. My dad’s lawyers want to see that footage. You’re going to ruin our lives!”

It seemed like it was taking every bit of strength Brad had to hold Macie back against the bench. Macie smacked at his chest. “Let me go!”

“Stop it, Macie,” he said.

In the silence, Katherine shouldered her purse. “Macie, Leslie’s life was the one that got ruined. Have you ever considered that maybe this actually is our fault? I didn’t deserve to be on that stage. I wasn’t beautiful to Leslie. Maybe we all deserve what we’re getting. Look at the pain we’ve caused.”

Krista slumped into the booth on the other side of Macie. Katherine turned to me. “Thanks for coming tonight.” She smiled.

As she turned to leave, I heard Macie growl from the booth, “Where do you think you’re going, bitch?”

Katherine stopped but didn’t turn around. “What did you call me, Macie?”

“Monday morning, you’re over,” spat Macie.

Katherine turned around slowly and looked at each of us in turn before walking back to the table. “Macie, this has been over since the morning Leslie killed herself.”

Then she walked away.

Macie started laughing, first quietly, then she giggled hysterically like a crazy person.

“Oh my God!” she exclaimed, wiping tears from her eyes. “You know what I think?” she said with a big, bright smile. “I think that Katherine obviously feels guilty. Maybe it’s time to come clean in our depositions, eh, Jillian?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I think it’s time to tell the lawyers the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth: Katherine was the mastermind behind all of this.”

Beth stood up quietly and slipped into her hoodie, then picked up her purse. “Macie, did you see what happened onstage tonight? That was Katherine being more honest than any of us have ever had the nerve to be. It’s on video. All of it. And I bet by the time we get home, it’s on the news.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Macie asked.

I looked at her as I pulled out my keys. I searched her face for some sign of the girl from the playground. I couldn’t find her. Even her eyes were different.

“It means you’re on your own here, Macie,” I said quietly.

Then I followed Beth toward the door that led to the parking lot, and took the first step away from my past and into my future.