chapter Twenty-One
I stood in the kitchen in my boxer briefs waiting for the coffee to brew. I was nervous to know if she awoke last night to find me gone. I forced myself not to turn on the news to see if Jeff had been involved in a horrible drunk driving accident. Tragic as that would be. I felt no pity for him. If she had seen the look in his eyes when he touched her. The same look mirrored in my eyes thousands of times before, I am sure.
I heard her stir a few minutes later and I busied myself, pouring the coffee. I turned to face her as I heard her draw near. I ran my hand through my hair trying to push the thought of how lovely she looked in my oversized shirt and nothing else. She looked to the ground and tucked her hair behind her ear.
“Coffee smells good.” She said, breaking the spell. I handed her a cup of coffee and quickly drank mine, pouring another cup.
“Didn’t sleep?” She asked, not accusingly.
“I had a lot on my mind.” My eyes danced over her.
“I’m sorry about everything last night.” She looked sad and guilty. I wondered if I looked guilty.
“I hurt you and you apologize.” I laughed at the irony. “Emma, I am no good for you. I knew what I was doing the first moment I saw you. I should have stopped it. I shouldn’t have let it go this far.”
“I wanted you just as badly as you wanted me.” She said quietly. She didn’t get it. She didn’t understand how dangerous I was for her. For all I know, I killed someone last night because he had touched her. I slammed my hands down on the counter between us. She jumped at the loud noise.
“I scare you. Good. Maybe now you will stay away from me.” The words burned my throat as I said them. I couldn’t imagine never touching her again. Not being there to protect her. But who would protect her from me?
“You don’t mean that.” She stepped around the island, closing the distance between us.
“It’s for your own good Emma.” I wanted her, for once in her life, to think about her own safety. She stopped, not stepping any closer. Her eyes looked through me as she searched for any truth in my words. Without saying another word she turned and made her way to the bathroom. Her steps faster than I would have liked. She was sad. I wanted to run to her, to hold her. I didn’t.
Instead, I went to my room and got dressed. When I returned the air was thick with regret. When Emma exited the bathroom, she was wearing her clubbing clothes. I knew she had finally understood. I had finally been able to push her away.
We didn’t speak. I grabbed my keys and she followed behind me to my car. I opened the door and watched her slide inside. She winced as her bottom touched the seat and angled herself away from me.
“Emma” I sighed.
“Don’t” she cut me off. I couldn’t blame her. I didn’t try to talk to her again. It was sick of me to constantly push her away only to pull her back for my own selfish needs.
The trip to the grocery store where her car was parked seemed especially short. The instant I put the car in park she opened her door and slammed it behind her. I didn’t deserve anything more. I knew that.
“Emma” I called after her, trying to convince myself that I had to make sure she was okay. She ignored me, digging through her purse for her keys. The bag fell from her grasp, spilling its contents all over the ground. “Shit, Emma” I got out and rushed to her side, helping her collect her things. “I’m just trying to protect you.” I was growing frustrated with her. Why couldn’t she just f*cking understand I am trying to protect her? Tears began to roll down her face. F*ck. I wiped her tears away with the back of my hand. I let my thumb slip across her lower lip. God, she was so f*ckable even when she was sad.
“By hurting me?” She asked, her chin trembling.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. You didn’t use the safe word.” I regretted the words as they left my mouth. Had I really just blamed her? She didn’t know any better. I should have been more cautious. “You deserve better.” It was the most honest thing I have said to her.
“What about the note? What if someone comes looking for me?” I wasn’t a stranger to woman trying to manipulate me and I knew that was exactly what she was trying to do. I also knew she was right. Someone could come looking for her. I wouldn’t let that happen.
“I will take care of that today.” I hoped she knew I meant it. She would always be safe as long as she stayed away from me. She didn’t respond. Maybe she did understand. She got in her car and drove off. I waited, thinking about how I would make all of this right.