“So, we all know why we’re here… to pay our respects and to share our memories of the wonderful person that Jake was.” His voice crumbled ever so slightly on the need for the past tense, but he regained his composure and continued. “Jake meant something different to each of us here and, especially after today,” he said, looking directly at me in particular, “we should spend some time enjoying the fact that we were lucky to know him. Or, in my case, he was lucky to know me!” Flynn’s joke, crap as it was, helped to keep the tone from getting maudlin and one of the guys stood up.
“Okay, as many of you are aware, Jake and I have had a few fights over the years.” The laughs from the others suggested there had been more than a few. “But, despite that, I loved the cheeky fucker. How many of you can remember the day we took the blow-up doll into school? I thought Jake was going to have a heart attack, blowing the thing up in the boys’ bogs. And then, when it was finally ready, none of us had the guts to take it out. Whilst we’re arguing over what to do with it, in walks Mr Potter so Jake grabs the doll and squeezes himself into a cubicle with it. Her. Potter makes the rest of us go to lessons and Jake is left there. Does anyone know what actually happened to that doll? All I know is that he gets to maths, apologises for being late, and refuses to talk about it ever again!” As the lads offered a series of crude suggestions as to what Jake did to the doll, one of them coughed and threw a look in my direction. A wave of apologies followed but I laughed them off. This was what I needed: reminders of the real Jake, not a wooden box and shitty flowers.
A couple more guys stood and shared a funny story which again ended with Jake getting into trouble. When they finished, I notice Josh and Grace had arrived and were stood, unsure, at the edge of the park.
“Come on, guys! Sit over here.” I beckoned them with a wave and a smile, glad they would be able to listen to some of these stories.
“Umm, do we need to keep it PG now?” Bryn asked.
“Nah, but maybe keep the really X-rated stuff for another day,” Flynn replied, offering the newcomers a drink. “Who’s up next?”
The lads kept us entertained with tales of their past escapades. Maybe some were exaggerated for dramatic purposes, but I didn’t care. The night was turning Jake into a god. Immortal. It felt right, especially as Josh’s face was filled with pride in this amazing older brother he had never fully known. Would never fully know.
As some of the tea-lights burned out, I felt the compulsion to take the centre of the circle. Bryn lowered the volume on the speaker and Cass threw me a proud smile.
“I don’t have the funny stories you guys have, but I’m so glad you have shared them tonight. I knew how lucky I was to have Jake in my life, but now I know I’m not the only one. We are all so lucky to have known him.” I smiled at Josh and Grace. “All of these memories, the serious ones as well as the funny ones, mean he won’t be forgotten. He will live within each of us, reminding us of what it means to be a good friend, brother, boyfriend. Jake wouldn’t want us to be sad; he would want us to live our lives and be happy. So, take each of these special moments and store them in your hearts. Be happy to have known Jake. Be happy to have loved Jake. Be happy.” I knew the words needed to be heard by me as much as those around me. Could I be happy again?
“Everyone got a drink?” Flynn took over, deflecting attention from me. “So, let’s raise a glass to Jake. One of the best people this world has ever seen and someone we’re all glad to have had in our lives. To Jake.” We all held our bottles aloft and toasted the stars.
To Jake.
Healing happens one stored memory at a time. It can’t be counted in days, months, years even, but in doing things which mean you have preserved something of what was, in such a way that you can cope with taking it out and looking at it again, without falling apart. It’s about gradually adding weight to the other side of the seesaw; at some point, your feet can touch the ground again. You start to believe that one day you might just regain the sense of balance you lost with the person you loved. That’s how I see it, anyway, and what drove me to want a way to carry Jake with me wherever I went.