Headed for Trouble

VALENTINE’S DAY


AN ESSAY ON NAVY LIFE

Written for Valentine’s Day 2002

Traditionally, Valentine’s Day is about heart-shaped boxes of candies, romantic cards, a dozen roses, a candlelit dinner for two … All lovely traditions, but face it, they just don’t compare to the Valentine’s Day gift that the servicemen and -women in the U.S. Armed Forces give—not just to their loved ones but to every American.

My friend Rob is a petty officer in the U.S. Navy, and his ship recently returned to port after six months at sea. He and the rest of the crew spent Thanksgiving and Christmas away from their families. They were all glad to be home in time for Valentine’s Day.

Not that they needed Valentine’s Day to make their return to port romantic. In fact, recently Rob told me about a particularly sweet Navy ritual called “The First Kiss.”

As they approach their home port, all of the married men and women aboard the ship participate in a lottery. And oh, the competition for this is very fierce. Because the winner is the first to disembark, the first to greet—and kiss—his or her spouse after six very long months away from home.

It’s the sheer romantic sentimentality of this custom that gets to me. The very first person to set foot on shore isn’t chosen by rank or rate or power. That honor is given to someone lucky enough to be married and in love.

This is the big, bad U.S. Navy, an arm of the most powerful military force in the world. And yet everyone—from admirals to seamen recruits—unabashedly recognizes that the most important part of their homecoming lies in the arms of the men and women waiting for them.

But maybe that’s not such a surprise. Anyone willing to sacrifice so much to serve their country, to help ensure that America remains the “land of the free” has to have a good understanding of the power of love.

For our servicemen and -women, love isn’t about heart-shaped boxes of chocolate.

It’s about spending every minute of your long-awaited shore leave desperately trying to find a telephone to call your daughter on her birthday.

Love isn’t a candlelit dinner for two, it’s a hurried meal at 1530 hours in the mess hall for fifty, because the ship’s in hostile waters and you’ve got to get back on duty.

Love isn’t a lacy greeting card, it’s moving slowly in the darkness, one careful foot at a time, searching for booby traps in a cave that was once a terrorist hideout in Afghanistan.

Love isn’t a dozen roses, it’s fifteen dozen nights at sea, sleeping in a rack in a crowded cabin, half a world away from your lover’s arms.

Love isn’t just the First Kiss—it’s every kiss that every man and woman in military service willingly gives up when they volunteer. It’s every moment away from home and family that they sacrifice for another love—love of country.

And love of freedom.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all the servicemen and -women in all branches of the U.S. Military. Thanks for the terrific gift. And hurry home.





GLOSSARY OF TROUBLESHOOTERS TERMS


AK-47: An automatic rifle, first manufactured by Kalashnikov in Russia in 1947. Capable of firing 600 rounds per minute.

ALL HANDS: A meeting or an event where attendance is mandatory.

ALPHABET AGENCIES: Slang for government agencies identified by acronyms such as the FBI and CIA.

AO: Area of Operations.

AWOL: Absent WithOut Leave.

BATTALION: A unit of 800 to 1,000 troops.

BDUs: Battle Dress Uniforms.

BUD/S: Basic Underwater Demolition/SEALs. The intensive training all candidates complete in order to become SEALs.

BEQ: Bachelor Enlisteds’ Quarters. Housing for unmarried enlisted personnel.

BOQ: Bachelor Officers’ Quarters. Housing for unmarried officers.

C4: An easy-to-carry, versatile, pliable plastic explosive with a texture similar to Play-Doh. Lightweight and stable, it can be dropped, shot, and even lit on fire, but it won’t explode without a detonator. Often used in place of Sterno to heat coffee. Originally called Composition C, it was developed during World War II by the British.

CAMMIES: Military uniforms in various camouflage print patterns, including woodland, jungle, desert, and urban.

CDRNAVSPECWARCOM: Commander of Naval Special Warfare.

CHARLIE-FOXTROT: Radio call signs for the letters C and F, charlie-foxtrot is a more polite name for clusterf*ck. (See also clusterf*ck.)

CHIT: A permission slip, usually for leave.

CIA: Central Intelligence Agency.

CLUSTERF*ck: A total screwup or disaster, usually caused by incompetence, ignorance, or sheer stupidity. This term makes good use of a word that is a favorite among sailors. (See also goatf*ck.)

CNO: Chief of Naval Operations.

CO: Commanding Officer. (SEAL Team Sixteen’s CO was originally Tom Paoletti. Lt. Commander Lewis Koehl is the current CO of the team.)

COMPANY: A unit of 150 to 200 troops.

COMSPESH: Computer specialist. Tess Bailey is Troubleshooters Incorporated’s Comspesh.

CONUS: Continental United States. (See also OCONUS.)

COVER: Hat.

DADT: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell—a misguided and obsolete law that forced LGBTQ servicemen and -women to lie about their sexual orientation.

DECK: A floor of a building or ship.

DEFCON: DEFense CONdition. The USA’s graduated security alert system. DEFCON 1 is the highest level of alert, DEFCON 5 is the lowest.

DIVISION: A unit of 10,000 to 15,000 troops.

DOD: Department of Defense.

DRESS WHITES: The U.S. Navy’s white, lightweight summer uniform. Can be the Class-A uniform or Service Dress Whites, or formal attire. Also known as an ice-cream suit.

DZ: Drop Zone.

E&E: Escape and Evasion.

EXFILTRATE: Departure of SEALs, usually with stealth, from an area of operations.

EXTRACTION: To be removed from an area of operations, usually by air. SEALs often extract by sea.

FBI: Federal Bureau of Investigations.

FIREFIGHT: A skirmish involving the exchange of gunfire.

FOB: Forward Operating Base.

FROGMEN: Nickname for U.S. Navy UDT operators. (See also UDT.)

GEEDUNK: A vending machine or ship’s store selling soda and/or junk food. Geedunk can also be the soda/junk food itself. The name comes from the sound of a can of soda falling from a vending machine.

GOATF*ck: A total screwup, a mission gone bad, a disaster. (See also clusterf*ck.)

Note from Suz: In compiling and researching this glossary, I think I may have found clues leading us closer to the answer for that timeless question “What is the difference between a goatf*ck and a clusterf*ck?” I recently found a military definition site that proclaimed the definition of “goat” to be similar to “loser.” This site identified a goat as the lowest-ranking man in a group of service personnel, but a goat could also be those officers from the very bottom of a military school’s graduating class. (Joke: What do you call a goat who graduates bottom of the class from West Point? You call him “Sir.”) So it’s possible that a goatf*ck is a slightly more inevitable screwup caused by the incompetence or stupidity of the participating officers. But, if goat is interchangeable with loser, then anyone caught in a disastrous situation could, in a true military manner, with glass-half-empty thinking, consider themselves to be the loser or goat who is getting, you know, disastered. Whereas “cluster” seems to imply a more impromptu screwup on a far grander scale …

GRINDER: The assembly area at the Coronado Naval Base, designated for PT.

GWOT: Global War on Terror.

HALO JUMP: High Altitude Low Opening parachute jump.

HEAD: Toilet or bathroom onboard a ship.

HELO: Helicopter.

HK-MP4: Heckler & Koch submachine gun—a favorite of the SEALs. A compact 9mm weapon that is reliable even after saltwater immersion.

HK-MP5: Heckler & Koch submachine gun, even smaller than the MP4, also known as a “room broom.” Also a 9mm, it’s often used for close combat urban situations. Small enough to conceal under a jacket. (If you’re a SEAL, that is, but probably not if you’re Lindsey Fontaine.)

HOT BUNKING: Sharing a bed, but sleeping at different times. Used in cases of limited billeting or housing, usually onboard a ship. If Sam Starrett and Kenny Karmody were hot bunking, Sam would sleep for the first shift. Kenny would wake him when it was his turn to sleep. Sam would roll out of the bunk and Kenny would roll in—and the bunk would still be hot from Sam’s body heat. At the end of World War II, troop transport ships were frequently filled beyond capacity. The men chose to hot bunk or even sleep on deck in order to get home to their families as quickly as possible.

HUMINT: Human Intelligence. Intelligence gathered the old-fashioned way, by using the eyes and ears of human agents, spies, or informants.

ICE CREAM SUIT: Nickname for any white uniform, particularly Navy dress uniforms.

IED: Improvised Explosive Device.

INFILTRATE: Entry by SEALs, usually with stealth, into an area of operations.

INSERTION: To be placed in an area of operations, usually by air. SEALS often insert by sea.

INTEL: Intelligence.

JARHEAD: Nickname for Marines. Also known as Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children (USMC).

K-BAR: A very deadly fighting utility knife issued to SEALs. Also known as a KA-BAR knife.

KEVLAR: The material used in bulletproof vests and body armor.

KIA: Killed in Action.

KLICKS OR CLICKS: Kilometers. Military measurement of distance. One klick equals 0.6214 miles.

LZ: Landing Zone.

M16: Nickname for the Colt M16A2 rifle issued to the SEALs. Unloaded, it weighs more than twelve pounds. Fires a small, high velocity bullet, with a range of 460 meters.

MEDAL OF HONOR: Highest military award of the United States.

MEDEVAC: Medical Evacuation, usually by helicopter, to field hospital or aid station.

MESS HALL: Dining facility.

MIA: Missing in Action, usually from a battle situation. If someone is declared MIA, it’s not known if they are dead or alive.

MP: Military Police.

MRE: Meal Ready to Eat.

MURPHY’S LAW: “Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.” A good SEAL officer will expect Mr. Murphy to accompany him on every mission, and be prepared for his appearance.

NAVINTEL: Naval Intelligence.

NCO: Non-Commissioned Officer. Senior Chief Stan Wolchonok and Chief Cosmo Richter are both NCOs.

NCONVs: Night vision goggles. (See also NVGs.)

NVGs: Night Vision Goggles or Glasses.

O COURSE: Obstacle Course. An important part of BUD/S training.

OC: Officer Candidate. (See also OCS.)

OCONUS: Outside the Continental United States. (Pronounced oh-koh-ness.)

OCS: Officers Candidate School. Originally used to train enlisted men for special wartime assignments, it’s now a twenty-six-week program for enlisted who want to become commissioned officers. Sam Starrett began his Navy career as an enlisted man. He attended OCS and became an officer.

OFFICERs’ COUNTRY: The places where officers work and even live, such as the BOQ. Particularly relevant onboard ship.

OSS: Office of Strategic Services. Developed in 1942, the OSS was an early version of the CIA and Special Forces.

OTS: Officers Training School. (See also OSC.)

PITA: Pain In The Ass.

PJ: The nickname for the U.S. Air Force Para-Rescue Jumpers or Parajumpers.

PLATOON: A unit of 30 to 50 troops.

POINT MAN: The SEAL responsible for taking the lead in an advancing squad. The point man will be the first to contact the enemy or trip booby traps. Related terms: On point or taking the point.

PSYOPS: Psychological Operations. The use of propaganda or misinformation to affect the morale of the enemy.

PT: Physical Training.

PUCKER FACTOR: A rating system for fear or tension. A high pucker factor indicates that all muscles are extremely tight.

PX: Post exchange. A store, usually on base, selling general merchandise for servicemen and -women and their families.

REAL WORLD OP: The real thing, as opposed to a training operation.

RECON: Reconnaissance. To investigate, gather information and intel, to scout.

REGIMENT: A unit of 2,500 to 3,500 troops.

RE-UP: To reenlist.

RING OUT: To fail the intensive BUD/S training program. SEAL candidates actually must ring a bell upon their departure, and announce that they are quitting. The majority of all SEAL candidates ring out.

RTO: Radio Telephone Operator.

SAR: Search and Rescue.

SAS: Special Air Service. The United Kingdom’s Special Operations Forces.

SATCOM: Satellite Communications.

SEABAG: A duffel bag used by SEALs and sailors.

SEAL: Special Operations force of the U.S. Navy. SEALs operate on SEa, in the Air, and on Land.

SECDEF: Secretary of Defense.

SERE TRAINING: A military program that teaches Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape.

SHORE PATROL: The Navy’s version of the MPs or Military Police.

SILVER BULLET ASSIGNMENT: An easy assignment in a comfortable setting, usually given as a reward to deserving personnel.

SITREP: Situation Report.

SNAFU: Situation Normal—All F*cked Up.

SOF: Special Operations Forces, such as SEALs. (Not to be confused with Special Forces. For the difference between Special Operations and Special Forces, see below.)

Q: What’s the difference between Special Operations and Special Forces—and how do the SEALs fit in?

SUZ: Special Operations and Special Forces are two very different things. Special Forces go in with lots of firepower, lots of force, lots of noise. Spec Ops is something else entirely. They operate in small, covert groups. In other words, they go in or “insert” silently, get the job done, and leave or “extract” without anyone knowing they’ve been there. (Or at least not until things start blowing up!) SEALs are the U.S. Navy’s contribution to U.S. Special Operations, so they’re frequently used when water—oceans, lakes, rivers—is involved.

SOCOM: Special Operations Command.

SOP: Standard Operating Procedure.

SPEC OPS: Special Operations.

SQUAD: A unit of 8 to 15 troops.

STERILE: An item, usually a uniform or a weapon or other gear, that has been stripped of any marking that could attribute it to the U.S. Military. Also known as sanitized.

STERILIZE: To make an item or place sterile. To remove all evidence of occupation or ownership. To sanitize.

TAD: Temporary Additional Duty. The Navy’s version (they’ve always got to be different, don’t they?!) of TDY or Temporary Duty.

TANGO: Radio call sign for the letter T. Also nickname for a terrorist.

TDY: Temporary Duty, used by the Army and Air Force. (See also TAD.)

UA: Unauthorized Absence. The Navy equivalent to AWOL.

UDT: Underwater Demolition Teams. The World War II granddaddies of the SEALs. Also known as Frogmen.

USO: United Service Organization, established in 1941 to build morale by entertaining servicemen.

WATCH ONE’S SIX: From a clock face position, twelve is immediately in front of you, six is directly behind you. If someone is watching your six, they are watching your back, to help protect you.

WESTPAC: The Western Pacific area of operations. Also used to refer to a tour aboard a Navy ship, usually six months in length. For example, before entering the BUD/S program, Mark Jenkins did two WESTPACs in a row, one aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise.

WHEELS UP: Slang for leaving town or going out on a mission. (Example: Jenk grabbed his seabag and ran for his truck after getting the call that Team Sixteen was going wheels up.) Refers to an aircraft lifting off. As the plane heads for cruising altitude, the landing gear, including the wheels, goes up.

WTFO: What the F*ck, Over? A question commonly raised among sailors.

WWII: World War II, the war against the Axis of Germany, Japan, and Italy. It began on September 1, 1939, and ended on August 14, 1945.

XO: Executive Officer. Second in command to the CO or Commanding Officer. Lt. Jazz Jacquette was Lt. Commander Tom Paoletti’s XO of SEAL Team Sixteen.





Meet Shane Laughlin, the hero of Born to Darkness, in a special bonus story about his final mission as an officer with SEAL Team Thirteen—the mission that strips him of his command, earns him a dishonorable discharge, and leaves him blacklisted and unlikely to find work in the darkly futuristic world of the mid-twenty-first century.