Harvest Moon

Sixteen




Lief didn’t tell Kelly about the promise Courtney had extracted from him. He did tell Courtney that he was planning to continue his friendship with Kelly. He had to repeat that he wasn’t planning to let it interfere with his relationship with Courtney and he wouldn’t be marrying anyone without her approval. At least while she was a young teen, living under his roof.

Guilt about that promise flared in him when he and Courtney got home late Christmas Eve. He found Kelly asleep on the couch, Spike cradled in her arms, snacks in the kitchen waiting for them, a fire still smoldering in the hearth and lights twinkling on the tree.

Lief left the suitcases sitting in the hall and asked Courtney to take Spike outside for a bathroom break. He knelt beside Kelly, smoothing her blond hair away from her brow. “Why aren’t you in bed?” he asked her.

“Hm,” she said, sleepy. “Oh, I’m fine here. Since I knew you were coming, I put fresh linens on the bed and left out some snacks. I bet you guys are tired.”

“You want to guess how much I wish I could just take you to bed with me?”

She smiled dreamily. “As much as I’d like to go?” She sat up. “I’ll go and let you guys get to bed.”

“You don’t have to go. It’s late, it’s cold. Stay here.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, lying back down.

He laughed at her.

“If you feel like company tomorrow, I thought I’d make glazed ham, cheesy potatoes, some green vegetables, pie….”

“It’s so much trouble,” he said.

“I’d be glad to, but I don’t have to. If you’d rather be alone…” she said.

“I would love to spend Christmas Day with you.”

“I’m so happy you’re home. And that everything worked out in spite of Stu.”

Christmas Day was the three of them, Kelly mostly in the kitchen. The dinner was tailor-made for someone like Courtney, though perfectly enjoyable for Lief. He knew that Kelly would have prepared something far more gourmet if not for Courtney—a goose with all the trimmings, maybe. A pudding? Mincemeat pie?

All day long Lief was chasing the puppy to get his sharp little teeth off the Christmas tree lights, the TV remote, his shoes, the edge of the area rug. And he’d yell, “Courtney! If you can’t watch him, he has to be in the kennel!”

They had a gift exchange. It wasn’t too fancy—a sweater for Lief, a couple of tops and a new pair of boots for Courtney, a suede jacket for Kelly. There was a small box from Kelly for Courtney. The excitement on Kelly’s face, like she was lit from inside, when Courtney finally opened it sent such a river of hope through Lief. It was a necklace, a silver necklace with a silver charm in the shape of a dog, perhaps a golden retriever. Courtney gasped when she saw it. She lifted it out of the box and held it up. And then, as if she remembered she wasn’t going to encourage this relationship, she put it back in the box and put the lid on. She said, “Nice. Thanks.”

And Lief’s heart fell.



No one could have possibly been more relieved that Christmas was past than Kelly. First of all, Jillian and Colin came home, and her loneliness was eased. Second, Courtney was busy again; even before school was back in session, she went to see her counselor, went for riding lessons, spent an afternoon and evening at the Hawkins farm. She could have time with Lief, and when there were finally a few hours to string together, she fell into bed with him like a desperate, wanton woman.

When school was back in full swing, she had her lover during the day, like a married woman cheating on her spouse. They spent a few evenings together as well, but there was no privacy at Jillian’s house nor at Lief’s in the evenings. Still, they could have dinner together, even if it was just the gang. If Kelly cooked at Jillian’s, the meal included anyone who happened to be around, often Luke and Shelby as well, and of course, Courtney was always invited. If Kelly cooked at Lief’s, it was the three of them.

Courtney was never talkative. She was distant and cold; she couldn’t be more obvious—she was not going to warm up to Kelly. She had a smile for just about anyone else, but for Kelly her behavior edged near contempt. Short, one-word responses, frowns or flat expressions, eye rolling and tongue clucking. Kelly was to the point that if Courtney just went to her room and ignored them, she felt it was a good night!

Courtney didn’t wear the silver necklace with the doggie charm.

Through the freezing snow and sleet of January, Kelly shipped some of her jars of sauces, relishes and chutneys to people Luca had contacted for her, interested retailers in the Bay Area. She spent most of her time during the icy-cold month experimenting with soups and stews. She invited her friend Laura Osika to the Victorian to have some fun with vegetarian soups—Laura was, remarkably, a vegetarian married to a butcher. They worked together on a few of their meatless recipes.

“How did you end up married to a butcher?” Kelly asked.

“Very simple,” she answered with a warm smile. “I loved him.”

Kelly only wished love could solve her problems, for she loved Lief so much.

Winter was a great time of year to hang out in the bar kitchen with Preacher because there weren’t hunters or fishermen around. They cooked together, exchanged favorite recipes, techniques and menus. Preacher showed her what to do with game, and she showed him what to do with pastry. They had a wonderful time with stews and breads. They decided to have a chili cook-off at the bar, and it seemed to Kelly that half the town showed up. The results? A tie!

On Valentine’s Day Lief brought her flowers and a beautiful platinum choker from Tiffany’s that he admitted he had ordered from the jewelry store online. He left Courtney at home with the puppy and spent time on the third floor with Kelly, sharing a bottle of wine. But he had to get home.

And then came the rains of March, and Kelly knew it was time to make a change. She held Lief’s hands in hers and said, “I don’t know when I’ve loved a man like I love you. You make me feel like the perfect woman. Every minute I spend with you is the best minute of my day, whether we’re making love or having a meal or just talking. But those minutes?” she asked, shaking her head. “Not so many in the grand scheme of things. Of every day, every week, I have much too much time to myself, wondering when I’ll be able to see you, wondering if we’ll ever be able to make this work. Lief, I can’t do this anymore.

“I’m going to call Luca, Lief. I’m going to tell him I need a job. Either processed food production for my recipes or a chef’s position. Anything he has. I have to have purpose, something to work for. I have to feel valued. Like I’m building something.”

“But your sauces and relishes… You are building something… Right here!”

“With a lover on the side who I can meet for a quickie during school hours?” She shook her head. “It’s not working for me, Lief. It’s half a life.”

“You’d leave here? But you love it here!” he said.

“I do. And I love you. But I can’t stay here. I’m afraid of what’s going to become of us. I’m afraid I’ll actually marry you, completely against Courtney’s wishes, by the way. And in a couple of years when the blush of brand-new love and passion settles and all that’s left is the chill in the air from your daughter, it’s going to be so painful. It’s going to hurt me, you, her.”

“Please,” he said. “Don’t give up on us. Not yet. I think she just needs time—when she’s more mature…”

“I’m not giving up. I’m going to ask for a job. But when I get a job, I’m only going to visit now and then—maybe we can keep things in perspective that way. Maybe if I live in San Francisco, Courtney will be less threatened by me.” She shrugged. “It could take Luca weeks or months to come up with something for me.”

“I saw the hungry look in his eyes,” Lief said. “He’ll have the perfect job within minutes.”

“Oh, I’m not leaving you for Luca. You know that! That part of my life, that silly fantasy? Over forever. But I’m lonely here. Jill has her work, her lover, Colin’s family… I just stay busy and wait for you to call.” She shook her head. “I understand how it is—you’re a father first and your daughter needs you. She needs to be sure of your commitment to her. She will recover from everything she’s been through, I know she will, but it might be a long time. And she might be thirty-five when she’s finally ready to let me in.

“We’ll stay in touch,” she went on. “Maybe you can even escape now and then and spend a couple of nights with me in the city.”

“What are you saying?” he asked. “That you’ll wait for me?”

She shook her head. “Not saying that either, Lief. I’m saying that I’m in love with you, that moving on is so hard for me it breaks my heart, but maybe the time for us isn’t right now. Maybe it’s later, when your life is more settled and stable. And if later comes and my life hasn’t changed too much…” She shrugged. “Maybe it will still all work out. But it’s not working out now. And I can’t stay here this way. It hurts too much. I feel empty inside…”

“Is this how you break up? End it? Because I’m not ready for that to happen! I’ll just tell Courtney that she has to—”

“Sh,” she said, putting her finger to his lips. “I’m going back to the city to work as soon as I get a good offer. And I’m not telling you this so you’ll have a standoff with your daughter. You have to take care of her. I’m telling you because I don’t want you to be surprised. You can’t make Courtney accept me. In fact, if you’re able to force her to accept me, that would be even worse.” She shook her head. “What’s supposed to happen will happen. In the meantime, I’m going back to work.”

“Don’t,” he said. “Not yet. We’ll figure it out…”

She shook her head. “We’re the grown-ups who know how to handle tough stuff. Let’s act like the grown-ups.”



“I think we’re just about done with this whole counseling thing,” Courtney told Jerry. “We’ve been at it for months and there’s nothing left to talk about.”

“Well,” he began with his usual patience. “We might talk about why you’re not very happy these days.”

“What? I’m happy! Perfectly happy!”

He leaned back in his chair. “Convincing,” he said drily.

“Thing is, Jerry, I’m too busy for this. I have a lot of responsibility. I promised Dad I’d keep my grades up, I have to keep an eye on Spike all the time, I help around the house and even cook—he loves it when I cook—and now that the snow’s melting, I’m riding more.”

Jerry glanced outside. It was overcast and drizzling. “Not missing any riding today, are you?”

“Duh,” she said.

“This one hour a week might seem like a waste of time to you now, but you might look back on it and find it was productive.”

“Seriously, I’m pretty busy…”

“I realize that, Courtney. I have noticed some changes since we started our discussions.”

“Yeah, my hair is all one color. I bet you’re taking credit.”

He disregarded that. “When we started meeting, you called Stu your dad and your stepdad was Lief. Always Lief. Now he’s Dad and Stu is Stu.”

“Well, after what Stu did to me over Christmas, he’s lucky I even call him Stu!”

“Point very well taken. What do you hear from him?”

“You’re kidding me, right? We don’t hear from him. That doesn’t mean we don’t know what’s going on down there. Dad found out that Stu and Sherry are getting divorced. He found out from the lawyer who’s handling our custody thing.”

“How’s that going, the custody thing?” Jerry asked.

“Stu’s signing off on me. And I guess in his divorce, the loser gets custody of those boys.” She smiled wickedly.

“Does that give you some peace of mind, Courtney? That you can now safely assume you’re permanently settled with Lief? I mean, your dad?”

“Sure,” she said. “I guess.”

“That’s what you want, right?” he asked.

“Uh-huh. Yeah.”

Jerry leaned toward her. “What’s wrong, Courtney?”

She shrugged. She looked down. “It might not be making him that happy…”

“Why do you say that?”

“He’s sad,” she said. “He’s been sad since we got home at Christmas. Sad almost like he was after my mom died. Not that bad, but still…”

“Have you talked to him about that?”

“Like, what am I supposed to say?”

“How about something like, ‘You seem sad. Why are you sad?’”

She shook her head. She really didn’t want to do that. She was afraid of the answer.

“Want to have a family session? I could ask him with you present and that would give you an opportunity to listen in a safe place. You wouldn’t have to do the asking.”

She shook her head again. Safe place or not, she didn’t want the answer.

“Oh, boy,” Jerry said. “You have a very big cork holding back something important. If you’ll get it out where we can look at it, maybe we can work through it.”

“You say that a lot,” she said, an angry edge to her voice. “Get it out where we can look at it! I don’t have to look at it! He’s sad, that’s all.”

“Are you afraid he’s sad because he now has permanent custody?”

“No!” she shot back angrily. “I know why he’s sad! Because I told him he can’t marry Kelly!”

Silence hung in the air for a moment. Finally Jerry said, “Was he planning to marry Kelly?”

She shook her head and swallowed thickly. “He said he wasn’t planning to.”

“Okay,” Jerry said. “So, you’re both in the same canoe on that subject. Then why is he sad and you’re sad that he’s sad?”

She took a breath. “He wants me to give her a chance because he said she’s a good person. And I said I want it to be just us. Me and him.”

“I see. You must have had a very good reason…”

“You know,” she said. “The way things go.”

“Maybe you could explain that to me in your own words and we could go from there.”

She smirked at him. “You know, you’re such a sneak sometimes. This is more of that Get it out there where we can look at it!”

“Guilty as charged. Got an A-plus in Sneaky 101. So?”

“Things just don’t work out the best sometimes, you know? Me and my mom were real happy, then Dad came along. We were all real happy. Then my mom died and Dad sent me to Stu. He said he had to and didn’t want to, but that didn’t make it easy. Then Stu sent me back. Then Stu tricked me at Christmas and almost gave me a f*cking nervous breakdown… Sorry. About the swearing.”

“Courtney, you can swear your head off in here. As much as you want. I’m not here to judge. Go on.”

“So then I’m back with Dad and what’s the first thing we have to think about? How about Kelly? Let’s let Kelly come into the family!”

“Don’t you like Kelly?”

“She’s all right. She’s even nice, sort of. She can be funny. I like her sister better but her sister is hooked up to Colin, who I also like. It’s not that I don’t like her.”

“Then what is it?”

“What if they get married and something happens? What if Dad dies, then Kelly has me, then Kelly gives me back to Stu, then Stu gives me back to Kelly, then Kelly finds some guy to marry and she dies and so on? Huh? You think I feel like doing all that again?”

“Apparently it’s the uncertainty of the future that bothers you most. Frightens you.”

“Duh,” she said.

“Maybe you should talk to your dad about this.”

“What’s he going to say? That he’s not going to die? He can! I think it’s better if it’s just us. Me and him. We don’t need anyone else.”

Jerry waited it out, like he was expecting her to say something more. Finally he said, “But you do. Courtney, you do need other people. And right now, one of the things you need to know is what plans your dad has for you if anything should happen to him. Not only is there a possible new woman in your future, but your dad also has family in Idaho. Family you like. As for Kelly, she has family you like. Why don’t you try to get some of these questions answered before you put this kind of pressure on yourself?”

“What pressure? It’s no pressure on me! If he wasn’t sad, I wouldn’t be sad!”

“But that’s where you’re wrong—this situation that you’ve outlined, just you and him and the rest of the world stay away—this puts an enormous burden on you. You’re fourteen and a half, almost fifteen. Very soon there’s going to be a boyfriend if there isn’t already, and he’s only going to be the first boyfriend. You’re going to get older, spread your wings, go to college, travel the world, find new boyfriends and more best female friends. In a few years, about three and a half, you’re not going to be living with your dad every day, every night. You’re probably going to be living in a dorm or apartment with girlfriends. You’re going to fall in love. You might fall in love more than once. You might go back to your dad’s now and then, maybe even for long stretches like a couple of months at a time. But it’s your job to build a life outside of your dad’s house. And then you’re going to want to bring some of that life back to him to share—like your boyfriend, your fiancé, your husband and children…”

“That is not happening anytime soon!”

“Sooner than you think. What about your dad? Don’t you worry that he’ll be lonely when you start to spread your wings?”

“We can worry about that later…”

“I see. Well, just so you know, they don’t allow fathers to live in sorority houses with their daughters.”

“Funny. You’re so funny…”

“Courtney, you’re not only asking him to remain lonely and sad so that you can feel safe, but you’re asking yourself to keep all the important people of your future away so you can dedicate yourself to him so you can feel safe. And you’ll be lonely.” Jerry shook his head. “That’s the hard way.”

“Then what’s the easy way?”

“Tell your dad you’ve been stressed out about your future, about where you would go and what you would do if anything should happen to him. Talk it out.”

“He’ll just say—”

“Lief Holbrook lost a young wife in a completely tragic and unpredictable brain hemorrhage. He is not going to say it can’t happen.” Jerry paused. “And if there’s the slightest worry that you might be a little afraid of getting attached to someone like Kelly and losing her somehow, you could talk about that, as well.”

She just shrugged. And gave a little sniff, though she wasn’t going to cry.

“You’re not unique, you know,” Jerry said. “It’s not even a teenage thing, Courtney. It’s a very normal, human frailty we all have, to be afraid someone we love could be taken from us. And the reality is, eventually we all suffer loss. It’s a sad fact of life. There is no way to stop it, really. But there is a way to prepare for it…”

“Let me guess,” she said sarcastically, feeling a very large rock welled in her throat. “Get it out there where you can look at it.”

“Yes, Courtney, tiresome as you find it. This is what people do to the best of their ability. Not just by talking about their fears and worries, but by being proactive. They have medical checkups, take their vitamins, wear their seat belts, write wills. It really does all begin with talking about it, however. I’d like you to seriously consider that.”

“But see, not everyone goes through it,” she said. “Even if they talk about it, sometimes it never comes,” she said, unable to swallow.

“Yes, Courtney. Everyone goes through it. You can’t name a person who hasn’t or won’t experience loss and grief.”

“How about Amber, huh? The only girl in a family that thinks she’s the princess? I mean, they’re dorky, but really… And she’s too dorky to ever worry about anything. Amber’s life is so calm and easy, even if she does have a lot of chores.”

Jerry lifted a brow. “And doesn’t she also have a little brother or nephew in a wheelchair? With a disease for which there is no known cure?”

“Rory,” she said in a breath. How had Rory not even come to mind? Because even though he was in a wheelchair, he was so cute and funny and crazy, it was easy to forget he might not live past his teenage years. He could, she knew that. Not likely, though. “Well, thanks a lot. Now I feel even worse.”

“When you and your dad understand each other’s feelings, you’re going to feel a lot better. I’m going to see you in a week. If you want to bring your dad along for a little help in talking about this, you’re welcome to do so.”

“Not f*cking likely,” she said. Then she tilted her head and smirked at him. “You said I could swear.”

“Absolutely, Courtney. In fact, it’s helpful. When you cut loose like that, I know what things you’re most angry or passionate about.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Sometimes I really hate you.”

He smiled a bit. “I get that a lot.”



Nothing could solidify that rock in Courtney’s throat like shifting her thoughts from her own losses to the potential of losing Rory. She loved that goofy kid! And Amber might seem dorky, but Courtney knew in her heart that far more than dorky, she was sincere and loving and devoted to her family.

And to Courtney.

The very next day at lunch Courtney asked Amber, “Do you ever worry about maybe losing Rory?”

Amber chewed and swallowed and said, “All the time. It’s not even a maybe—if some wonderful, scientific thing doesn’t happen, we will lose him. And it kills me.”

“Does he know that?” she asked.

“Of course he does. He’s been in the chair two years—you think he hasn’t asked what it all means? Little booger is smart, you know that. He knows more about his disease than the doctors, I think.”

“Isn’t he scared?”

“Sometimes, but he knows it won’t hurt. He knows it will only hurt the ones like us who will have to miss him.”

Courtney shook her head. “How do you do that? Talk about it without crying?”

She shrugged. “We already did the crying.”

The next day was a rare sunny March day and Courtney’s riding lesson was on. She was getting very good on Blue; she could not only move her around expertly and perform a thorough grooming right down to the hooves, but she’d actually washed her down a couple of times.

After her lesson, Lilly Tahoma invited her to ride along the trail with her for a half hour or so before Lief picked her up. Blue was Lilly’s horse, but she let Courtney keep her and took one of the other stable horses.

Lilly yammered about how the green growth of spring was beginning to peek through, especially in the foothills, and they were enjoying one or two warm days every week. “And the snow pack in the mountains is beginning to melt, so watch yourself around the river—it will swell. Courtney?”

“Hm?” Courtney said, turning her attention back to Lilly.

“Did you hear what I said about the river?”

“No, what?”

“The snow pack in the mountains is beginning to melt. You should mind the river—it could swell and even flood.”

“Okay,” she said.

“You’ve been so quiet. Is there something on your mind?”

“Hm? No, nothing…”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but you should never be dishonest. Just say ‘it’s personal’ and that will do it.”

“No, there’s nothing,” she insisted.

“Old Hopi saying—When you lose your temper, you lose a friend. When you lie, you lose yourself.”

And Courtney shot back, “When you’re nosy, you irritate people.”

Lilly chortled. “What is most fun about you, you have the face of a young girl and the sharp mind of a wizard. I apologize. I didn’t mean to pry or offend. You’re right to correct me.”

Courtney sighed. “Sometimes I just flip out. Sorry. I’ve been worrying about things. One of them is my best friend’s little eight-year-old nephew who has muscular dystrophy. He’s in a wheelchair and seems to be doing fine right now, but it’s not good, you know?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Sometimes life can seem so cruel.”

“No kidding.”

“How is your friend handling it?”

“She’s handling it fine! I’m not doing so great with it.”

“Oh, Courtney, there’s an adjustment to news like that. Don’t be hard on yourself.”

“Well, it’s not that I’m hard on myself,” she said. “You know my mother died, right? I mean, even though I never tell anyone, everyone seems to know.”

“I knew, yes. I believe your father mentioned it.”

“Well, that wasn’t too easy. And I guess I worry about going through stuff like that. It’s made me sad.” Then she shrugged. “I guess.”

“Oh, now, that I understand,” she said with a laugh. “I’m an expert at that. I was hurt once and decided never to be hurt again.”

Courtney was astonished and looked at Lilly. “Really? I mean, really?”

“Oh, yes. It gave me a chronic sore throat, holding back the tears. Afraid of the tears. But the Hopi have another old saying. Crying will release the sorrowful thoughts on the mind.”

“Where do you get all these old Hopi sayings?”

She laughed. “From an old Hopi grandfather. I treasure them now, but believe me, as I was growing up he got on my last nerve!”

“Did you ever hurt so bad inside that you were afraid you’d never stop crying? That maybe you’d die of crying? That the ground might swallow you up?”

“Oh, sweeting, yes! That’s why I cut it off! But people don’t die of crying—they only get very messy and very tired and in the end, there is sometimes relief. Sometimes it takes a lot of that messy crying to get relief. But it is cleansing.”

“What did you cry over? Did your mother die?”

“I never knew my mother,” Lilly said. “Other heartbreaks, certainly not the same as yours. Life’s path sometimes has many rocky curves.”

“Another Hopi saying?”

“No,” Lilly said with a laugh. “The unfortunate truth! I’ve had as many hard times as wonderful times. As I’m older, I flow with it better than I did when I was your age. At least you have that to look forward to!”

“That’s good news…” Courtney replied drily.

“I’ve been meaning to commend you on your progress, Courtney—some of the wonderful news of the day. And I’m wondering—would you consider helping me with some of the much younger girls? Some of them are nervous around the horses and some have a bigger problem—they’re not nervous and perhaps too brave to pay attention to safety. They could use a role model like you to show them the way.”

“Seriously?”

“I couldn’t be more serious. I’m very proud of you. I think you could teach us all. Could you help?”

“Sure,” she said, her entire mood suddenly brighter.



“It’s just about finished, Courtney,” Lief said on the drive home from the stables. “The custody filing. I have to appear in court, but it’s a mere formality and you don’t have to go. This will be the end of it. I will only be gone one night and the Hawkinses said you and Spike can stay with them.”

“I don’t need to stay with them,” she said.

“I took care of it, honey. Pack an overnight, take the bus home from school so you can pick up Spike and your bag. Amber’s dad will come for you. Then, if you’re okay being alone until I get home late Thursday night, they can drop you and Spike off after dinner. You okay with that? Because if you’re not, you can stay with them two nights. I should be back by eleven at the latest. Want to stay a second night?”

“No,” she said quickly. “I’ll come home.”

He chuckled. “Okay. Mr. Hawkins said he’d bring you. You have your key. And…do I even have to say this? No friends over. No sneaking out, no beer, no etcetera?”

“Gimme a break,” she said. “Haven’t I been like a perfect child?”

“Truthfully? Yes. Great record. Don’t mess it up.”