“I have to go to class,” Julia said when Liz was speechless.
Liz watched her walk away, her heart pounding. God, if Julia were caught. She didn’t know what Julia would do. She didn’t know what she would do.
She went to chemistry, but she couldn’t focus on the notes. The teacher lectured on stoichiometry, and at the end of the hour, Liz still didn’t know what the hell stoichiometry was. She hurried down to Julia’s locker and caught Julia just as she was leaving, and when Liz called her name, Julia stiffened.
“We’re going to be late,” Julia said.
“Julia,” Liz pleaded, “please tell me you gave it back to Joshua.”
Julia said nothing.
“Give it back to him,” Liz said.
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
“Please,” Liz said. “Please, Julia.”
“Liz,” Julia said, and her voice cracked. “I can’t.”
“Jules,” she said, but Julia had already disappeared into the swarming crowd of students. Liz leaned against the lockers and was suddenly frightened, because she was losing Julia. And despite the fact that in two days she would lose everyone, she wanted Julia to be okay. Julia was cracking, and Liz just wanted to keep her from falling apart, because in her heart, Liz Emerson knew that she was the one who had put the cracks there in the first place.
Liz attempted to talk to Julia after government, searched for her in the halls when that failed, but Julia avoided her deftly. Because they were not in the same lunch, Liz tried to forget it and listen to Kennie chatter, but everything around her was fog and white noise.
Finally the last bell rang, and Liz caught Julia on her way out of the building. For a few seconds, they walked in silence; then Julia pushed the doors open and a blast of frigid air hit Liz in the face and slapped the words from her mouth, words she’d held back since the first moment she had realized that Julia was addicted.
“Julia,” said Liz. “You need to get help.”
Julia spun around. “Shut up,” she said, and walked away.
Liz kept pace with her, her teeth carving into her bottom lip as she tried to find the right thing to say. “Julia, please,” she said. “Go see a doctor or something. We can keep rehab a secret. Please. God, Jules, you’re going to ruin your life if this goes on—”
“Me?” Julia’s voice was so hard that it stopped Liz in her tracks. “I didn’t ruin my life, Liz. You did.”
Liz stood there for a long time, trapped between those little words and the truth of them.
I’m sorry.
Those were the right words. She just hadn’t been able to get them out.
Liz stumbled back against the side of the school and leaned her forehead against the cold brick. The rough surface stuck to her skin, and when she closed her eyes, the tears froze on her eyelashes.
Julia was right.
It wasn’t just people Liz disliked that she destroyed. It wasn’t just nerds, or gays, or sluts, or band geeks, or the members of the crappy cheerleading team, or the chess team members, or the Buddhist Club members, or the quiet ones, or the annoyingly loud ones that Liz destroyed. She destroyed everyone. Even the people closest to her. Especially the people closest to her.
And even when Julia texted her that night to apologize, saying that she didn’t mean it, that she was just PMSing, even when Julia made it clear that she was willing to forget, there was no going back.
Some people died because the world did not deserve them.
Liz Emerson, on the other hand, did not deserve the world.
CHAPTER SIXTY-ONE
World of Idiots
“Oh my god,” Kennie says in a teary, wavering voice. “You hit him.”
Julia says, “I think I should have aimed lower.”
Kennie sniffles. “I wanted to hit him too,” she says, and begins crying again.
Julia sighs and puts her arms around her. “What now?”
“She’s going to kill me,” Kennie says with a muffled wail.
“Why?” Julia asks. Because honestly, there could be a number of reasons. All the crying, for example. Liz hates crying.
“Because,” Kennie sobs, “I didn’t get it on video.”
Julia stares at her.
Suddenly they’re both laughing, and it’s a relief. They’re laughing as hard as they were crying, and everyone is staring, and for once, neither of them cares. And there are so many things to laugh about—they’ve done so many stupid things. They are a group of idiots in a world of idiots, and Liz was the most idiotic of them all.
Finally, when they calm down and wipe away the laughing tears as well as the sad ones, Kennie stands up, wobbly.
“Where are you going?” asks Julia.
“To get a picture.”
CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO
The Third Visitor
Julia gets up too. Monica is standing guard by the door to Liz’s room, but she gives Julia a hug and a shaky smile, and walks away. Julia goes in. There’s a nurse wearing scrubs with pink dinosaurs, adjusting one of Liz’s tubes.