Death by Sarcasm

Thirty-two

The next day, Mary was arrested outside her office by a pair of young patrolmen.

“Exactly what are the charges?” she said when they placed her in the back of the squad car headed for downtown.

The young cop in the passenger seat answered her. “You’re under arrest for sexual battery.”

She pondered that for a moment.

“Sexual battery?” Mary said. “That’s what runs my vibrator. I think it’s a double AA. Duracell. Keeps going. And going. And going.”

The cops ignored her and before she knew it, she was in a holding cell by herself.

“It’s an efficiency,” Mary said, looking around the little room. “Quaint. Waiting for that personal touch.” She paced the small room. The stainless steel bed frame attached to the wall. The stainless steel toilet. This was the second time in a matter of days that she’d found herself in jail. This wasn’t a good thing. Not the kind of career trajectory she’d envisioned.

“I thought you told us you were a chubby chaser,” a voice said behind her. “Now you’re into old guys, too?”

Mary turned and saw Sergeant Davies leaning casually against the door to her cell. Jake was behind her.

“I prefer the phrase fully ripened,” Mary said. “Old is too pejorative.”

“Come on, Mary, don’t you get tired of this?” Jake said.

“No, as I recall, you had a penchant for getting tired,” Mary said. “Is that still true, Sergeant? He still mediocre in the sack?”

“He’s never claimed to be tired with me,” Davies said, in a bright, cheerful voice. “I think he’s enjoying himself too much. Maybe when he was with you it was the only excuse he could come up with.”

Jake turned and walked away. Mary had to admit, that had been a pretty good shot.

“Ronald Clarey,” the Shark said.

“Never heard of him,” Mary said.

“Claims he met you at a senior citizens center and you portrayed yourself as a financial planner,” she said, reading from a sheet of paper in her hand. “Says he invited you to his apartment where he says you raped him and forced him to perform oral sex on you. He has submitted his clothes as evidence.”

“What, his Depends? You sent his diaper to the lab for DNA tests?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact,” Davies said.

“This is bullshit,” Mary said. “He was probably one of the Nixons – one of the old guys who tried to rape me. They couldn’t kill me so now they’re trying to keep me in jail.”

“We’re looking at the two cases as unrelated, for now,” Davies said.

Mary was about to answer when she head the voice of Visa.

“Well, well, well,” it said. Mary looked and saw over Davies’ shoulder the tanned countenance of Whitney Braggs. “Haven’t we done this before?” he said.

“Looks like another one of your boyfriends is here,” Davies said to Mary.”Shut your mouth, bitch,” Braggs said before Mary could respond.

“Braggs, shut your mouth,” Mary said. Jeez, the guy was Jekyll and Hyde. Looked like a Senator, talked like a biker.

“You wanna dance, old man?” Davies said, as Braggs’ attorney, Joan Hessburg, stepped between them, her mass of curls blazing orange in the fluorescent light of the cell.

“Both of you ease up,” she said. “Ms. Cooper, you’re free to come with me.” The attorney handed Davies a piece of paper.

“If you continue to harass my client by throwing her in jail every chance you get, you may find yourself locked up before too long,” the attorney said. “Consider it a fair warning.”

Davies didn’t flinch.

“F*ck off, Curly,” she said.

“Until this case is resolved, you have been granted temporary status as a registered sex offender,” Hessburg said to Mary once they’d gotten out of the jail building.

“Why didn’t you mention your…ah..offbeat proclivities?” Braggs said. “And more importantly how come I wasn’t one of your conquests?”

“I didn’t think you could handle it,” Mary said. This day couldn’t possibly get any worse.

Hessburg had a small folder in her hands, and read from the sheet on top of it. “Ms. Cooper, according to this, you are to not go within 100 feet of nursing homes, physical therapy offices and other centers of the elderly,” said Hessburg.

“You forgot bingo parlors,” Braggs said.

“I’m not hearing this,” Mary said.

“My office will be in contact with you regarding your court date,” Hessburg said. “I’ll have an assistant gather the necessary information and paperwork so it should go smoothly. I believe this is a ridiculous charge designed to provide pressure to you in some manner.”

“Did you say I couldn’t handle it?” Braggs said, his voice incredulous. “Let me tell you…”

Mary held up her hand.

“Lunch is moving from my stomach up toward my esophagus, Braggs,” Mary said. “I suggest you stop.”

He complied.