Death by Sarcasm

Ten

“I always knew your career choice would blow up in your face,” Aunt Alice said as she let Mary inside the house. Mary rolled her eyes. A man in a pair of black slacks and a black turtleneck rose from the couch to greet her.

“This is Whitney Braggs,” Alice said. “Whitney, this is my niece, Kojak.”

“Mary, actually.”

“Nice to meet you Mary Actually.”

Oh God, Mary thought. Everyone’s a comedian, and a bad one at that. Braggs smiled at her and Mary noted the brilliant white teeth, the smooth, tanned skin and the perfect white hair. This guy was probably in his late sixties, but he clearly took good care of himself.

“Really, though,” he said. “I know you’re a Cooper. Brent, your…uncle, and I went way back. I’m sorry for your loss.” His voice was evenly smooth and cultured. He sounded like a radio announcer.

“Mary, can I get you anything?” Alice said. “A drink of water? An application to a local community college?”

Mary had been released several hours ago. The prognosis had been good. No broken bones. A slight concussion, most likely. Right now, she just felt sore and tired.

“Ladies,” Braggs said. “Since you’re both slightly incapacitated, allow me.” He escorted Alice to a chair. Even though she was walking now, it wasn’t a very steady gate. Mary didn’t bother waiting for him. She sat down on the yellow chair next to Alice. Alice asked for iced tea and Mary asked for a Diet Coke. Mary caught a waft of subtle, expensive cologne.

Once Braggs had left for the kitchen, Mary turned to Aunt Alice. “So is the sex good with him?”

Alice looked at her out of the corner of her eye and answered in a soft voice.

“Why, would you be jealous?” she said.

“Looks like you didn’t even ruffle his hair.”

“He got so excited there wasn’t time…”

The return of Braggs with the drinks cut Alice off. Mary had to laugh inside. Sometimes she hated being a Cooper. Other times, like now, joking with her aunt about sex with a stranger, actually made her glad. Just a little.

“Whitney says that a group of Brent’s friends are all coming to town,” Alice offered.

“There go our property values,” Mary said. “Buy your polyester shirtsand Sansabelts now, before they’re gone.”

“Some of them are actually here, living here,” Braggs said. “But yeah, there are a few out-of-towners. You know, we were all pretty close back in the day,” he said, his face thoughtful. Mary thought he was a pretty good actor, too.

“When you say ‘we’, who are you talking about?” she asked.

“She’s a p.i.,” Alice said. “She asks questions all the time. Let me know if she starts bugging you, I’ve got a muzzle for her, it has her monogram on it…”

“Yeah,” Mary said. “And I’ve got her ball gag in my purse.”

“No, no, no,” Braggs said. “That’s fine, that’s fine,” he said, holding out his finely manicured hands. Jeez, Mary thought. The guy’s got better nails than I do.

“Just some friends who all started together way back when,” he said. “We sort of cheered each other on, critiqued each other’s jokes. If one of us got a job, he’d try to get some of us hired, too, or at least submit some of our material.”

“So you guys were all comedians, or what?” Mary said.

“Most of us did stand-up. All of us wrote material, too, and tried to get jobs on t.v. shows. You know, talk shows, variety shows, sitcoms. Some of us did, some of us didn’t.”

“Did you?” Alice asked.

“I had some early success,” he said. His expression was one of careful modesty. “A few little roles on the Dick Van Dyke Show, and others. But then I went into commercial voiceover work.” He smiled. “Visa. The only card you need.”

“Yes, that’s you! I thought I recognized your voice. That’s impressive!” Alice said.

“So are the royalty checks,” Braggs said with a wink.

“Sorry about my last payment,” Alice said. “I swear I mailed out in time, but the frickin’ mail is so slow!”

“I heard her say the same thing to the cable guy,” Mary said. “Let me ask you something, Mr. Braggs.”

“Please, Whitney.”

“Did you ever know a Barry Mitchell?”

“Yes! I knew Barry,” Braggs said, surprise in his voice. “I tried to track him down, too, but couldn’t find an address.”

“Well, he’s now in multiple locations,” Mary said. Alice and Braggs gave her a blank look.

“He was in the apartment that exploded,” she said. “The one that nearly took me with it.”

“Oh, dear God,” Braggs said. Mary noted that his face went slightly pale. Although, with his tan, it was more like it went slightly taupe.

“Do they know who did it?” he asked.

“They know the killer has a really good sense of humor,” Mary said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

She shook her head. “Nothing, it’s not important.” Mary then thought of something. She gestured to both Aunt Alice and Braggs. “So did you two know each other? Why did you come here, to her place? To see what happens to upholstery gone bad?”

“I knew Brent had a sister in town, he’d mentioned that,” Braggs said. “A few phone calls and I found the particulars. I missed the funeral.”

“Too bad, it was a good show,” Mary said. “A regular laugh fest.”

“Coopers just can’t be serious about anything,” Alice said. “Especially her,” she said, then lifted a cane and pointed it at Mary.

“Point that cane at me again and you’ll get it back as an enema,” Mary said.

“So do the police think Brent’s murder and Barry Olis’ murders are connected?” Braggs asked.

“I’m not exactly the person they like to share intimate details with,” Mary said. “In fact, they keep warning me they’ll take my license away. I think they feel threatened.”

“Do they know it’s a cosmetician’s license?” Alice said.

“Okay,” Braggs said. “Then let me ask you this, Mary. Do you think the murders are connected?”

“They’re tied together more tightly than Alice’s black lace bodystocking.”

“It’s not black, it’s fire-engine red, baby,” Alice said, a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

“Oh, boy. This is serious,” Braggs said, resting his chin in his hand and looking out Alice’s picture window. There wasn’t much to see out there, Mary thought. A few little houses. Not a whole lot of inspiration. Nonetheless, Braggs sat straight up and clapped his hands together.

“Brent also mentioned you,” he said to Mary.

“I’m sure it was a real Hallmark moment,” Mary said.

Braggs smiled, an easy, comforting smile. “He simply mentioned he had a niece who was a helluva private investigator. I swear, that’s what he said.”

“He was probably joking, testing out some new material,” Alice offered.

“That’s a good point, Aunt Alice,” Mary said. “Thanks for coming. Are you here all week?”

“Well, that’s kind of why I came to see Alice,” Braggs said.

“You need a good reason. No one would do it on their own volition,” Mary said.

“I came here to see Alice, but I also came to find you,” he said.

“Visiting Mary is like rubbernecking at a car accident – you don’t really want to, but sometimes you just can’t stop yourself.”

“Why me?” Mary said.

“The group of guys I told you about? The ones who all started out with Brent and me way back when?”

Mary nodded.

“We want to hire you to find Brent’s killer,” Braggs said. “And now Barry’s too.”

Her first inclination was to say absolutely not. But she was looking into the case anyway, so she may as well get paid for it. Plus, since she had a legitimate client now, she actually had a legal right to do some investigating. At least, enough right to challenge the Shark the next time they butted heads.

“There’s only one condition,” Braggs said.

Uh-oh, Mary thought.

“I’m coming with you.”