Chapter 26
The next morning when I woke up in Nash’s arms, I knew that I had made a mistake. Not necessarily a mistake at being with Nash, but I had pushed him into the physical part of our relationship far too soon. All because I had decided to go out and get wasted.
My old ways of filling a void were slowly creeping back into my life, only this time I was trying to fill the gap that Justin had left behind. Nash seemed so happy though, and I just didn’t want to ruin that, so I figured I would give things a little more time.
Nash and I spent a lot of time together, going on group dates, the movies, or out to eat by ourselves, but we didn’t have sex again. He didn’t push it, and I felt a little guilty, but I wanted to wait until the right time. Even though I didn’t know if that would ever come again. I felt more like one of his friends than a girlfriend whenever we were together.
“Hey, Nash, can you stop at Shorty’s? I was going to talk to Brian about possibly getting my job back when school starts up.” He looked at me sideways, but didn’t say anything and turned in that direction.
I rubbed my hands nervously against my shorts. I knew I needed a job once the school year started up so I could pay for utilities and school books and figured I would look at Shorty’s first. Sure, it would bring back lots of memories that I just wanted to go away, but at least Justin wouldn’t be there.
He had probably all ready graduated from the police academy and was most likely working as a cop by now. I secretly said a silent prayer for him every day even though I had never been religious. I really needed to just stop thinking about him. But I couldn’t.
Nash’s door popped open and I looked at him as I hopped out of the truck. “What? I thought we might as well grab some food while we’re here.”
“Uh-huh, more like you think I need protection or something. I’m a big girl, and I’m sure Justin’s not even here.” I bit my tongue as I swung the door open and instantly spotted his figure sitting at the bar with a drink in his hand.
My breath caught in my throat, all I really wanted to do was run over to him and feel his arms around me, but I pushed forward trying to ignore him as much as I could. But of course that couldn’t happen. “Della,” he called out in a surprised voice as I leaned against the counter, looking for Brian.
Nash stood closely beside me, glaring over the top of my head at Justin who stood up and moved down to where I was. “What are you doing here?” His eyebrows knitted together as he stared at me, and I saw his hand twitch like he wanted to reach out and touch me, like to see if I was really there. I was just about to do the same thing.
I never believed there was such a thing as soulmates, but now I was starting to rethink that. Even after spending so much time away from each other, and everything that had happened, I still felt this pull towards him that was undeniable.
“Seeing about my old job,” I replied tightly, turning to look away from him and it took everything out of me to do that. Those grey eyes were just about ready to suck me in, even with Nash standing right there. It was like only the two of us existed, right then and there.
“Della, I-”
Luckily, Brian stepped out from the kitchen at that very moment and cut off whatever Justin was about to say. “Della, what a surprise! Please tell me you’re here to get your old job back because if you are, it’s yours.”
I smiled at Brian, having missed his easy personality. He really was the best boss. “Really? That’s awesome, I was hoping I could start back up once school started.”
“Perfect, stop in next week, and I’ll have you down on the schedule.” He looked between me and Justin who was now leaning against the counter, his head cradled in his hands and his eyes squeezed tightly shut. “Good luck with that,” he whispered out of the corner of his mouth, before turning back towards the kitchen.
“Della,” I heard Justin call out my name again, but Nash stepped forward. “Just leave her alone, dude.”
“Nash,” I interrupted quietly. “Could you please just give us a minute? I’ll meet you in the truck.”
I saw a flash of hurt pass through his eyes, but he backed up and nodded his head before going towards the parking lot.
“How have you been?” I asked tightly, trying to make some kind of small talk because really I didn’t know what else to say.
“Horrible. I think about you night and day, Della. About what we had, about what we could have had before I f*cked everything up. And you’ve obviously seemed to move on,” he looked down at the floor, kicking his shoe against the bar stool.
I didn’t bother arguing. Yes, I was with Nash but I had most definitely not moved on. Justin was on my brain almost every second of the day. But I didn’t want to give him any kind of hope because I didn’t think we would ever go back to being us, at least not for awhile. I think someday I could forgive him, but I would never forget, even if what he did seemed not that big of a deal to other people.
“Well, I don’t know what else to say Justin. You’re not the only one who can’t stop thinking about us, but right now I just need a little more time.” It took everything in me, but I turned away and walked out the door, leaving him standing there alone.
Seeing him conjured up all of those feelings and memories that I had tried so hard to just forget about, but I now knew that was going to be impossible. There was still so much between the two of us, it was hard to deny. I swiped a lone tear away as I climbed back into Nash’s truck and slammed the door behind me. The ride home was silent until he pulled into the driveway. “Nash, I think we need to talk.”
“I think we do, Della.” His lips were pulled into a tight line and I could see his jaw ticking, a sure sign that he was upset.
“Nash, I just-”
“No, Della, I think I need to go first. I’ve been thinking about this all day and how to tell you exactly. I know it’s going to ruin anything we had because I just can’t continue this now.”
“What is it, Nash?” I asked, confused as to why it sounded like he was breaking up with me when I had been about to do the same thing. It wasn’t because I had just seen Justin…well that had to do with it partially. But over the past couple of weeks I had come to the conclusion that we were better off friends and I think that was all we really would be.
“I really care about you, Della. But…” he chewed on his bottom lip, and I raised my brows, wondering what could have Nash so knotted up that it was so hard for him just to tell me. “Mariah’s pregnant,” he rushed out, “about four months along, and I can’t just leave her all alone to deal with this. I have to be there for her, and I can’t do that while I’m with you. It just isn’t right.” He blew out a breath, squeezing his eyes shut. I reached out a hand to try to console him in some way. I really didn’t know how to.
This was life-changing news for Nash, and I couldn’t imagine how he was dealing with it. My heart swelled for him being forced back together with Mariah, someone that I just couldn’t see him being with, even if it was just to parent together, but I knew Nash all too well, he would probably be proposing to her the next day. “I don’t know what to say, Nash. Do you want to talk about it?”
He shook his head sharply. “Not really, Della. I just found out, and I think I need some time alone to think about this,” he kissed me gently on the cheek and whispering, “I’m sorry.”
“When you’re ready to talk, just know I’ll be here for you, whenever you need me.” I meant every word I said; just as a friend. I had a feeling Nash would be needing a lot of my support over the next few months.
It was funny how much life had changed in the past year. I had started my life fresh, making some of the best friends I had ever had, and falling in and out of love. Well, out of love, I wasn’t so sure about after today. Seeing Justin again had really confused the hell out of me.
I had grown up from the scared little girl though who had been forced into an abortion and then tried to take her own life because the depression had made everything so black.
For now, I would have to keep moving forward, taking whatever life decided to throw at me next. But one thing was for sure, even though I still felt these intense feelings for Justin, I needed a break from guys. A break to get to know myself better, to be with my friends and family, and to grow up even more.
Maybe after that, Justin and I would find our way back to each other or maybe someone new would come into my life and change it for the better. Love definitely was still a factor in my life and something I knew I would have in my future, but when that was I really didn’t know.