NINE
Mallory
I had a hard time getting my dad settled in. The fact that he wasn’t the same amazingly strong man I remembered was killing me. Rainey pulled up as close as she could to the steps of the front porch and even walking from the car to the living room seemed to exhaust him. It didn’t seem likely he would suddenly surprise everyone and beat the cancer. I was more worried about him with every step he took.
Luckily, our house was a single story, which meant he didn’t have to climb any stairs once he was inside. But he was still tired. He sat on the couch and rested for nearly an hour before he felt well enough to make the trek to his bedroom. Once Rainey and I got him settled in bed, he laid back and almost immediately fell asleep. I stood there, staring at pale skin that had once been tan, at sunken eyes that had once been vibrant and full of life, and my heart broke.
Rainey pulled me out of his room. “He needs rest,” she said.
Tears started to fall onto my cheeks but I couldn’t control them. Rainey pulled me into a hug and squeezed me tight. I started to hyperventilate.
“He’s so sick … I can’t do anything … I don’t … Think I can do this …” I stuttered between gasps for air.
Rainey didn’t speak right away, choosing instead to just hold me until I calmed. She pulled me down on the couch in the living room and we sat there in a hug for a long time. When my anxiety finally started to relent, Rainey pulled away from me. I was still shivering but I managed not to burst into tears again.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I don’t know if I’m ever going to be okay, Rain. Dad’s dying,” I said weakly.
My whole body felt weighed down, as if it would be difficult to even stand up straight.
“Yes, he is. But he needs you to be strong, Mal. He’s not going to get through this alone.”
She was quietly telling me to stop being a baby and it dawned on me that my friends in Boston would never have encouraged me to buck up. They would probably be crying beside me and I would end up comforting them.
I looked up at Rainey. “Have I ever told you how much I value your friendship? I know we haven’t kept up very well all these years, but the fact that you’re here when I’m falling apart speaks volumes about you.”
I hugged her again as I wondered if I would have been there for her if the situation was reversed. I guessed not. It had taken the imminent death of my own father to get me back into this town and I doubted I would have been swayed by the possible death of a friend’s parent. Some friend I was.
“I’m so sorry I haven’t been the friend I should have been for the last three years.”
She smiled at me. “Shut up. No matter how far away we are, we’ll always be best friends. You stuck by me even through my fat days, and I adore you.”
I was so unworthy of her friendship. She was a genuine friend and I was a fraud. My heart clenched so hard, it felt like someone put a rubber band around it. More tears formed in my eyes.
“Oh, cut that out. We need to be strong!”
She flexed her arm muscles and I laughed before I could stop myself.
“I wish you didn’t have to go back to LA,” I said. I would miss her.
“I’ll be back soon enough. Probably only a couple of weeks. I need the time off, and as a screenwriter, I get to pick and choose my jobs. Plus, if I need to, I can telecommute,” she said.
I was shocked. “You want to come back to this rinky-dink town on a more permanent basis?”
“Well, yeah. You don’t remember me saying it last? You aren’t allowed to drink for a while, girl. But yes, I am moving back. Its home,” she said.
Home. I hadn’t referred to Casper as home in a long time. I’d been so sure I was meant for bigger and better things, I never once considered maintaining a life here. It was a small town but I wasn’t sure it was for me. What if I wasn’t happy here? Once Dad was gone, I wouldn’t have any ties to Casper. Except Luke. The thought came out of nowhere.
But did I really have a tie to Luke anymore? I wasn’t sure. He’d been my first love, and probably my only true love, but I wasn’t certain if he still had a place in my life. I’d spent my entire high school life dedicated to him and our love. Since then, I’d done everything in my power to forget him. He was still in my heart, though, as much as I wished he wasn’t.
He’d taken care of Dad when I hadn’t even known about his illness. He’d rescued me in my drunken state last night and then pushed me away this morning. I wasn’t thrilled with the way he brushed me off, but that didn’t mean I hated him. He was important to me. Ugh. I didn’t want to think about Luke. I needed to focus on Dad.
“I guess,” I said as I dried my tears.
Rainey was doing the same and we both looked ridiculous. I don’t know who started laughing first, but within seconds, we were both in stitches. Gabby walked in and found us like that, still laughing at ourselves.
“What’s so funny?” she asked, hands on her hips like a mother hen.
Her presence only fueled our insanity and Rainey and I laughed harder. Gabby was patient and eventually we quieted down.
“What are you doing here, Gabby?” Rainey asked.
“Baker asked me to keep an eye on you two tonight. So it’s a slumber party!” she announced. She seemed way more enthused about a slumber party than any other twenty-one year old I knew. Then I remembered Gabby had been on her own the last few years since I never visited, and Rainey only came back to town when her mother nagged her.
“Sweet. Do we get to stay up late and eat candy and wear pajamas and play truth or dare?” Rainey was already on board.
“It’ll have to be after my dad goes to sleep for the night. You guys want to hit up the grocery store for goodies?” I asked. I wanted to have a little time with my dad, whenever he woke up.
“Sure! You going to be okay here?” Gabby asked.
“Oh yeah. I can handle Dad,” I said.
The truth was, I wasn’t so sure, but I needed to be able to do it by myself. Even with a home nurse coming for a visit every day, I would still be doing quite a bit for him.
“Okay, let’s go!” Rainey exclaimed.
The two of them were out of the house before I could blink. My tears and fears were forgotten and I figured it was better that way. I didn’t always want to have to lean on someone. I had to do it alone.
“Are they gone?” Dad yelled from his bedroom after the front door closed.
I smiled and headed back to his room. “Yes, Dad, they’re gone. But I have bad news: they’re coming back,” I said.
He groaned. “I guess I will have to deal with it, just like when you were a kid” He smiled at me as I sat down on the edge of his bed. “You were always so independent, Mallory, I forget sometimes that you need friends. I wish we had more time together.” His eyes became wistful.
“Don’t talk like that, Dad. You aren’t dead yet. You could still beat this cancer,” I said. I knew I shouldn’t give him false hope, but I was the one who needed to hear it. I didn’t want to talk about his impending death.
“We have to talk about it, Mallory. Whether it happens today or three months from now, I want you to know you’re taken care of. Can you get me the file on my dresser, please?” he asked.
I brought it to him and then helped him sit up so he could talk and look through it. I had to have this conversation with him. I might not be ready, but he was. Which meant I had to keep my mouth shut. Dad organized a few of the papers while I pulled a chair closer to his bed and propped my feet up on the edge of the bed.
“First things first. I have a life insurance plan, and it will cover all the costs of the funeral. I want to be cremated and I already purchased a stone and a plot at the cemetery. Once I’m ashes, I expect you to spread me out across the state. I want to spend eternity in Maine. I love this place.” He paused and it broke my heart. He regained his composure and continued.
“The life insurance is enough for you to do whatever you want. Even after taxes and funeral costs, you should get at least two hundred thousand.”
“Dad! That’s too much.” I groaned. I never worried about money, but that was an insane amount.
“Well, I do have some requirements for what you’re to do with it. I want some donated to various charities in town. I have a list, so I won’t go over them now. I would also like to leave ten thousand dollars to Luke.”
“Luke? Why?”
“He’s been like a son to me all these years. I know you two split up, but he kept your old man company while you were away. We became good friends while you were in Boston,” he said with a wistful edge to his voice.
Great, twist the knife deeper, Dad. I sighed.
“Next item … Oh yes. I want to leave this house to you. It’s paid off, so if you choose to move back here for good, you can live here. If you don’t, then I want you to sell it and use the money for a condo or whatever in Boston. I want you to be comfortable. As for the lake house in Greenville, I want to leave it to Luke. He’s grown really attached to it after our annual camping trips there,” he explained.
Luke had been included on our annual camping trips to the Moosehead region while we dated in high school. I guess they continued the tradition after I was gone. I didn’t know how to feel about my dad getting close to and even leaning on Luke.
“That’s fine, Dad. I’m sure whatever you’ve decided is perfect,” I said in hopes of rushing him. I was uncomfortable talking about this.
He grinned. “Of course it is. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to go through it all.”
I rolled my eyes but paid attention to everything he said. An hour later, he was finally done.
“There’s one more thing we need to talk about, Mallory,” he said. “This is serious, girl.”
I groaned. “Dad, we just spent the last hour discussing the intimate details of your death. I don’t see how anything can be more serious than that.”
“I want to talk about your life,” he said in a somber voice. “Are you happy in Boston?”
I wanted to give him the easy answer. Just say yes and go on my merry way. But I couldn’t lie, not to him.
“I don’t know,” I answered. “Life is different in Boston. It’s fast-paced and no one ever stops to smell the roses. People aren’t quite so friendly there, either.”
I couldn’t imagine someone in Boston caring for the parent of an ex-girlfriend.
“I can understand that. Did you know your mother and I lived in Boston for a year before you were born?”
“What! I didn’t know that. But you guys were so young. How on earth did you manage that?”
“She had family in the city and convinced me we should finish our senior year there. I thought the hustle and bustle of Boston was great at first. I mean, hell, you can order a pizza at three in the morning! And when you’ve been up all night drinking and smoking pot, what’s better than that? But eventually, I missed Casper. It wasn’t until we came back for a visit that I realized I wanted to raise my family here.
“Your mother was furious. She kept telling me how I was ruining her life and she wouldn’t stay. Then we found out she was pregnant. Things changed and she seemed to accept a life here. I bought this house and we spent the next nine months in bliss. After you were born, though, she seemed to forget about how happy we’d been. She took off without a second glance and then it was just me and you.” He gave me a sad smile and I realized how hard it must have been for him to lose the woman he’d loved and the mother of his child.
And his child had followed in her footsteps. I left him, too. Tears welled in my eyes.
“I’m so sorry I left you, Daddy,” I whispered and leaned forward to put my head on his hand. “I was childish and so wrong.”
“Look at me Mallory,” he demanded. He continued even though I didn’t lift my head. “You are not your mother. You needed to get away from this town to figure out what you really wanted. I’m betting you still aren’t sure. But you will figure it out. I know a lot of the reason you left was your break-up with Luke. I’m sorry I stayed so close to him all these years. He’s a good man, Mal. And he loves you.”
My head whipped up.
“Excuse me?”
He smiled. “He hasn’t said the words, but I know him well enough to know he’s got feelings for you. And I know you still have feelings for him even though you won’t admit it to yourself or anyone else.”
Dad was right, of course, but I wasn’t about to tell him that. I had only just discovered my feelings for Luke still lingered and I wasn’t ready to share them.
“I am going to tell you the same thing I told your mother before she left. You have to follow your heart, no matter what. Even if it leads you to the place you’d least expect, you have to follow. Make peace with your decisions,” he said.
I scooted over to his bed and laid my head on his chest. He cradled my head and I felt him press a light kiss to my hair. I was going to miss him so much.
“I want you to know how proud of you I am, Mallory. You are an amazing woman. And if you go back to Boston, I’ll be proud of you still. My love for you will never change or falter.”
“When did you get so damn smart?” I asked between deep breaths. I’d already cried enough in the last few days and I didn’t need to shed any more tears.
Dad laughed and I chuckled with him.
“It comes with age. And impending death,” he said.
I leaned back and shook my head at him. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’ll always be here for you whether I’m on this earth or not,” he assured me.
“Promise?”
“I promise.”