CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
THE STARS LIT the sky like so many dynamos. The electric glow of Chicago was lost to the postapocalyptic power-plant shutdown; the lap of the water lulled Ros into near-catatonia. He was drooling in the bright moonlight, his vacant eyes closed in an imitation of sleep.
As for me, I worked on my treatise: A Vindication of the Rights of the Post-Living.
Because this was America, the City on the Hill, where everyone’s inalienable rights were endowed by their creator. And my creator was on his way.
Let justice roll down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream!
I saw the boat approaching and my shoulder tingled, but I ignored them both, intent on scribbling the letters and words that represent the greatest concepts we can imagine: democracy, truth, equality.
“Hellooo?” a voice called. “This is Dr. Stein. Are you friend or foe?”
Ros stirred and tried to stand but I blocked him with my arm.
“Friend,” Ros said.
“Man or zombie?”
“Zombie.”
“Can you be both?”
Ros stood up, turned on a sloppy dime, and saluted. “Private Dennis Drake, reporting for duty.”
“Mother of God,” another voice said, and I heard guns being cocked.
“No need to overreact, gentlemen,” Stein said. “I don’t expect any trouble from these zombies.”
I gathered my courage, tucked away my document, and made my stand next to Ros. Dr. Stein was perched on the bow of a sightseeing boat, the kind that takes visitors on sunset tours around the lake. He was surrounded by men with guns. A cane rested between his legs like a third limb, both his hands gripping the top. His hair and beard were long and white. He looked like Walt Whitman or Father Time.
I held the sign in front of me like a life preserver. A light shone on it.
“We are you,” Stein read, and chuckled. “I suppose you are.”
“Yes, sir,” said Ros.
“And who are you, exactly?” Stein asked.
“Just me and the captain left, sir.”
I threw my shoulders back and nodded at Stein, looked him square in the eye, communicating that we were both men of letters, rational, well-bred.
“There were more?” Stein asked.
“All dead.”
“But you’re dead, aren’t you, Dennis?”
“Just a little.” Ros looked at me. His eyes were hungry, desperate. “Pete said you were dead,” he continued, licking his lips with his dry stick of a tongue.
“Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. The more recent myths have me turned into the king of zombies. I’ve also been thrown from a fire escape and eaten by infected dogs.” Stein paused. “Who’s Pete?” he asked.
“Nobody. Anymore.”
“For someone just a little bit dead, you’re in remarkable shape. Do you have a doctor? A caregiver? Someone responsible for your upkeep?”
“Nurse. She shot herself in the head.”
Stein bowed his head in sympathy. “I’m sorry for your loss,” he said.
Ros pulled me down behind the railing. “Help me,” he whispered. His eyes were yellowing like an old newspaper. He curled into a fetal position. “Brains,” he whined.
I put my sign aside and embraced Ros. My brother-in-arms. My only friend.
Stein tapped on the boat.
“Private Drake,” he called, “can I assist you in any way?”
Ros stood up, clicking his heels together. “Brains!” he wailed, and buried his face in his hands.
“There, there,” Stein said. “It’s not your fault. This should calm your stomach. For now.”
He threw Ros a calf’s liver and Ros shoved the whole thing in his mouth. Blood dripped on my head, and the killer inside me roared.
“I have something for your friend too,” Stein said.
I am not your trained monkey, I wanted to shout. I am a PhD!
Nevertheless I stood up and held out my hand like a beggar.
Oh, humility! This was the moment when I should hand Stein my treatise; we would match wits and establish sympathy; empathy, love, and protection would be born. Cheeks would be turned, neighbors loved, peace agreements signed.
The American dream realized. Its promises fulfilled.
No such luck: Stein tossed me some pig intestines and I stuffed them in my mouth the long way, not even bothering to chew, sucking them in like linguini.
“Let me tell you a story,” Stein said, “while you dine.” He cleared his throat. I didn’t look up from my meal. “Once upon a time,” he began, “there was a scorpion, and this scorpion asked a fox to carry him across a rushing river.
“‘But you’ll sting me,’ the fox protested.
“‘If I did that,’ the scorpion replied, ‘we’d both drown. Since I need to cross the river, it wouldn’t serve my interests to sting you. Have no fear. I’ll refrain.’
“The fox agreed. He certainly couldn’t argue with the scorpion’s logic. But a funny thing happened: Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung him anyway.
“‘Why?’ the fox asked as they both drowned.
“‘It’s my nature. I’m a scorpion.’”
I stopped swallowing.
“You boys are scorpions,” Stein said. “Do you understand me?”
I understood: Dogs chase cats. Bees make honey. Humans wage war. Zombies eat humans. No free will. And no compromises.
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. We all know why she swallowed the fly. And now she’ll die.
“There have been others like you,” Stein said.
“I know. I collected them,” Ros said, his face bloody. He looked like a greeting card photo of a baby covered with spaghetti sauce, the bowl on top of baby’s head, a few noodles hanging down, and a caption reading: I Didn’t Do It!
“Each of you proved the viability of my theory,” Stein said, “that no one has to die.”
“Where are they now?” Ros asked.
Stein made a sweeping gesture with his hand, as if the night held answers. As if the man in the moon cared. “My son,” he said, “nothing has worked out as planned.”
The best laid plans of mice and men…again and again and again.
“It was to be a new beginning,” he continued, the cane impotent and resting against his leg. “Not an army of automatons or an enemy of man, but a new race, one with the potential to live indefinitely. One that wouldn’t require food or shelter or gasoline or television. One that wouldn’t waste natural resources.” Stein looked up. “The virus wasn’t ready when they unleashed it. Not even close.” His eyes shone in the flashlight beam. They were the brown of mud, of dirt, of the clay with which he made us.
“Dr. Stein,” one of the soldiers said with a note of warning in his voice, his eyes and rifle trained on Ros, who was twitching and contorting and moaning. Falling into character. Becoming the scorpion he was.
Stein shook his head, clearing it. “The military wanted to ship you to the desert. Turn you into soldiers for their war. But all hell broke loose first.”
“Father,” Ros gurgled.
“I have failed miserably. Our only choice is to give in, give up, submit.”
“Save…us,” Ros said. He grabbed my hand and held tight.
“It’s too late for that,” Stein continued, rubbing his forehead with his hand. “You’re both prime specimens, and at first we tried to help your kind. We sought you out and brought you to our labs. We conducted experiments using positive and negative reinforcement, trying to teach you right from wrong. We had some success, but, well, Private Drake here, his behavior is typical.”
Ros glanced my way; his eyes were as yellow as stomach bile. He was vibrating, a Holy Roller about to speak in tongues, the secret language, the word of God.
“BRAINS!” he yelled, and catapulted himself over the bow, heading straight for Stein.
It was a graceful dive, a swan dive, Olympic worthy. The soldiers opened fire; bullets pinged against Ros’s metal trapdoor of a head and bullets penetrated his cranium, but Ros continued flying, free as any bird. And Stein, our father who art an old boob in a boat, stood up with open arms to receive him.
Ros knocked the mad scientist over; they landed on a bench seat, Stein bent over backward like a doll, embracing Ros, and Ros was really dead now, his brains scattered into the lake, no better—or worse—than chum.
Food for the worms. Ashes to ashes. The great beyond. A better place. Doggie heaven. All that rot. Pun intended.
I took a step back. Two soldiers tended to the good doctor; the remaining three turned to me, guns, rifles, pistols cocked.
“I’m fine,” Stein said, pushing Ros’s corpse off of him and standing up. “How’s the other one?”
I held my hands over my head as if I were being arrested. The classic pose of submission. I raised one finger in the air and slowly moved my other arm. From my professor pocket, I pulled out my treatise, holding it between two fingers. I shook it at Stein.
“Looks like someone wants to tell us something,” a soldier said.
Stein gave me the once-over, taking in my tattered tweed jacket and tarp of a torso, my pus-filled skull of a face, the rusted sores and scant strands of hair, and the crumpled and water-stained piece of paper in my hand.
“You think you’re different, don’t you, son?” he said, crossing his arms over his bulletproof vest.
I unfolded the paper and held it out so that the words faced Stein, as if they were an incantation or a spell. The password primeval. The sign of democracy. Somewhere in the city, there was an explosion and a barrage of machine-gun fire. The soldiers tensed and a radio squawked.
“Let’s hope so,” Stein said, nodding at the men. “Bring it here.”
One of the soldiers approached me, and I smelled his brains, his musk, like fresh-baked bread, wild honeysuckle, Sunday-morning bacon. His helmet was too big for him; it covered all of his head and most of his face too. I didn’t dare look at his eyes. I extended my arm and he snatched the document.
Stein put on a pair of reading glasses and sat down. “‘A Vindication of the Rights of the Post-Living,’” he said. “‘By Professor Jack Barnes.’ Impressive title.”
I lowered my head in a gesture of modesty.
Stein skimmed my manifesto, nodding his head occasionally. “Justice,” he murmured. “Equality. True democracy. Hmmm. An analogy to slavery and suffrage. Very well written, Professor Barnes. Displaying a high degree of memory and cognition. There’s no denying your intelligence.”
Stein pointed to a passage near the end. “Here’s the part that disturbs me, though. The part that punches a hole in your argument,” he said, looking at me from over the top of his glasses. “‘Life, liberty, and the pursuit of brains,’” he continued. “Why did you write that, Jack?”
The soldiers laughed and stuck their arms out, murmuring, “Brains, brains,” in a cruel parody of my people’s behavior. I put my hands together in the prayer position.
“Enough!” Stein said, and the soldiers stopped clowning. “I can’t stand to look at him anymore. Standing in front of me like a supplicant. As if I can protect him. Look, Jack, here’s the cold truth: You’re a by-product of biological warfare. A high-functioning by-product, but a by-product nevertheless. You’re a mistake. Something out of Frankenstein.”
I fell to my knees.
“You and I are mortal enemies,” Stein continued. “And your compromise solution is absurd. We can’t allow you to eat any of us because you won’t stop there. Can’t you see? If you’re the lion, then I’m the gazelle. You’re the spider; I’m the fly. The scorpion and the fox. No matter what you do, no matter how well you write or reason, you will always be a scorpion.”
So words mean nothing: Freedom is the same as chair is the same as love is the same as Fruity Pebbles is the same as justice.
There’s only one word with any meaning and I willed myself to say it:
“Braaaaaains!” I howled, and the effort hurt—my diaphragm, my throat, my stopped and broken heart.
From behind me, as if resurrected by my miraculous utterance, there was a banshee yell, a war cry, and Annie, dear undead Annie, came charging up the little hill of the half-sunken Maria Sangria.
Their bullet had entered her forehead and come out the other side, blowing her top off, exposing and cracking her skull like a pistachio. But her brain was intact and her aim was true. She shot the soldier closest to me in the neck and another in the eye. Two down, three to go.
The gunfight raged around me, but the soldiers were focused on Annie. I climbed onto the ledge of the boat and jumped, flying through the air like Superman.
I landed on Stein and we rolled on the bottom of the boat. The soldiers were yelling who knows what. Their sounds were as meaningful as birdsongs. A third fell dead into the lake.
Stein and I were in the missionary position with me on top, drooling contamination into his beard. I placed my hands over his ears and looked into his eyes. I imagined I was hypnotizing him like Dracula; I imagined Stein fell in love with me.
“I’ll help you, Jack,” he said. “There’s a cure. Please. You can be human again!”
A cure? I don’t need a cure. I’m perfect as I am. As God made me. As you made me, Dr. Stein. I am more than the sum of my parts, more than my hunger and the meat inside me. My soul is large; it contains multitudes.
Saint Joan’s suicide taught me: I have a choice.
And I choose brains.
I opened my mouth wide, my breath filled with the stench of the grave. My bottom teeth sank into Stein’s eyeball and my incisors punctured his brow. I bit down, shaking my head from side to side like a dog with a chew toy, working my way through the bone until I freed a chunk of his forehead. Then I sat back on my heels and chewed. And then I did it again. And again. Next to me, Annie was chomping on a soldier, her guns holstered.
The sky was lightening. A vulture landed on Maria Sangria and others circled overhead. I took another bite of Stein, eating his godhead, savoring the divine flavor.
It wasn’t the Last Supper for Annie and me; it was the first.