CHAPTER SIXTEEN
BRAINS! BRAINS, I tell you. We needed a thalamus for the road. A frontal lobotomy. A side of cerebellum. A medulla oblongata. Anything to take our minds off the meat of Pete, who was lying supine on the street, curled in the cul-de-sac, a lamb for us wolves, as open and available as any whore.
Ros, Joan, and I waited for Annie and Guts to return. We did the zombie dance, circling around Pete like Native Americans in a peyote trance. I paused and wrote down my thoughts like a self-help housewife:
This is my affirmation journal. My dream book. Captain’s Log: Stardate: Zombie Apocalypse. Do not eat the human!
There was a gunshot followed by silence. Moans wafted through the subdivision like wind through an Aeolian harp.
Guts turned the corner onto Pawn Way. He was skipping, the feral’s leg slung over one shoulder like a hobo’s stick.
“Annie?” Ros asked, and Guts jerked his thumb in the direction he came from, imitating our gait and throwing in a few robotic dance moves and a moon walk. Show-off. He pulled a handful of brains out of his jeans pocket, which he proffered to me with his customary bow.
I smashed the red, hot sweetness into my face with both hands, smearing it on my cheeks. I could not get those brains into my mouth fast enough.
If I could breathe, I would have panted.
Ros and Joan went to town on the leg. From the garage, Eve resumed her moaning.
“Shut her up,” Ros said.
Annie returned from the hunt, dragging the rest of the girl behind her by a rope; intestines hung around Annie’s neck, bouncing against her budding breasts like Mardi Gras beads. Isaac stood, gripping the edge of his carriage, and shrieked. It was a loud and piercing sound.
“Stupid zombies,” Ros said, a big toe hanging out the side of his mouth like a cigar stub. “Too loud.”
Guts, our little caretaker, our golden boy, he gave Isaac the spleen. The baby sucked on it like a bottle.
“God help me,” Pete said. “Here she comes.”
I turned to see Eve shuffling toward Pete, her arms outstretched. The bandage had fallen off her stump of a wrist and it looked like a giant used tampon, black with blood. The senseless wench, the garden hose was still wrapped around her ankle. Her eyes were entirely yellow, as jaundiced as Marge Simpson. It was hard to believe I once loved her.
“Help!” Pete said, thrashing in an attempt to free himself.
“Only make it worse,” Ros said.
Eve was almost upon him. Pete gagged when she growled. Oh, it was a close call. I contemplated shambling over there to restrain Eve, but, near as she was to her prey, I would never make it in time.
“Don’t forget, Jack,” Pete said. “You need me.”
“Annie, get your gun,” Ros said. Annie looked to me and I lifted a finger.
One bang and Eve’s brains kaplooied all over Pete’s face.
Muahahahaha, we all laughed. Like Count Chocula, it was a parody of villainous laughter, a simulacrum of evil mirth. Even Isaac was amused.
“Careful, Pete,” Ros said. “That stuff’s toxic.”
“I am so f*cked,” Pete said, weeping into the concrete.
Welcome to the club, buddy.
PETE SAID GAS was getting scarce, but we had a full tank, plus a few cans we siphoned out of cars back in King’s Court. We cruised east in a family van—the crew was in the back; I rode shotgun with Pete. There were so many obstacles in the road—body parts and zombies and cars—it was slow going.
None of us was wearing seatbelts. The glove compartment was stuffed with intestines and tendons and I had bite-sized bits of brain stored in my professor pockets. A McDonald’s wrapper crunched under my feet; a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide was on the dash. In the back, Saint Joan stitched everyone up.
“She a doctor?” Pete asked.
No one answered.
I opened a book I’d found back in the subdivision, ’Salem’s Lot, Stephen King’s vampire novel. As an academic, I had always thought King was beneath me. A typist, not a writer, to paraphrase Capote on Kerouac. I hadn’t even felt it necessary to read him to form my opinion, though of course I’d seen the movies. I believed that anything with mass appeal was inherently bad, not only King, but Michael Jackson, Harry Potter, and the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. In my view, popularity proved inferiority, not worth.
But fifty million Elvis fans can’t be wrong. The book was solid pop fiction, a page-turner, proving there was no such thing as a guilty pleasure anymore. I was eating people just like everyone else; that made us equal. I had become mainstream, a plebeian, the lowest common denominator, and I didn’t care. In fact, it was liberating.
“Pete,” Ros called from the backseat, tapping on the driver’s headrest, “radio.”
Pete turned the dial. Squawks. The honk of the Emergency Broadcast System. Another preacher. The Violent Femmes’ “Blister in the Sun.”
“Love this song,” Ros said, bobbing his metal head.
“Who the hell is broadcasting this shit?” Pete asked.
“Why? What would you play?” Ros said.
“I’d give advice. Warnings. I’d try to help people. Tell ’em where to go. How to survive.”
“Yeah,” Ros gurgled, “get in a car with a bunch of zombies.”
Pete looked in the rearview mirror. “It’s a case of do as I say,” he began.
Ros snarled and barked and Pete leaned forward as far as he could, his chest pressed against the steering wheel; Ros and Guts high-fived.
We rolled into the city and slowed to a crawl. Zombies surrounded us, rocking the vehicle, trying to plunder our human. The van inched forward.
“Punch it,” Ros said. “Put the pedal to the metal.”
I shook my head, pointing at Ros and then at the crowd. I turned my hand into a puppet and mimed talking, the thumb acting as the lower lip and the rest of the fingers yammering away. It was the signal Lucy used to give me whenever she was on the phone with her mother, a woman who lived to complain.
“No way,” Ros said.
A zombie pressed her face against my window. She was chalk-white and covered with green and black bruises. She didn’t look real; she looked like someone dressed up for Halloween.
I took out my pad and pen, wrote a quick note, and handed it to Pete.
“‘Recruit them,’” Pete read. “‘And ask about Stein.’”
“Bad idea,” Ros said. “They’ll get Pete.”
“I agree,” Pete said. “We should leave. Immediately.”
I put my hands together in a pleading gesture. We couldn’t see the street anymore, couldn’t see Chicago’s famed buildings or the sidewalks. All we could see were zombies, thicker than fog. But we had to try.
“‘Need more soldiers,’” I wrote and Pete read out loud. “‘That’s an order.’”
“Yes, sir,” Ros said, and slid open the van door. Arms groped inside like cilia.
“Annie?” Ros said, and Annie nailed a few in the head. Ros closed the door after him.
My window was stained with blood. I cracked it open but heard only the mob. Ros, if he was talking, was inaudible. Pete turned on the windshield wipers.
“I can’t hear anything,” he yelled, sticking his finger in his ear. “Those gunshots.”
I turned around. Joan made a clucking sound, covered her ears, and indicated to Annie that she should holster her guns. Guts was kneeling on the seat vacated by Ros, his face and hands against the glass, trying to keep an eye on our soldier. I tugged on his shirt and he looked at me. I smiled, but he didn’t smile back. He looked worried and angry, afraid that we’d lost Ros.
“I don’t like this,” Pete said. “Not one bit.”
The door opened and Ros fell into the van. Guts scrambled out of his way as zombies spilled in like lemmings. Joan, Guts, Ros, and Annie fought them off, kicking them, Annie hitting their heads with the butt of her rifle.
“Drive!” Ros said. He pushed the last one out the door with his combat boot.
Pete took off. There were so many zombies we had no choice but to plow right through them. Their bodies thudded against the bumper, the van bouncing along as if on a lunar landscape.
“Too many,” Ros said. “Crushed me.”
Zombies could survive on the moon, I thought. We don’t need oxygen or water. We could be happy there, lying on our backs in a crater, watching the earth spin in its lazy circle. Or better still, we could escape gravity and float through space for eternity, witnessing the births and deaths of galaxies and stars. Waltzing to the pulse of red dwarfs and quarks. Joining the tail of a comet and traveling to the beginning of time, we could meet God there.
Eat God there too.
“They didn’t understand,” Ros said. “Stupid zombies.”
I missed Lucy. And I missed being human. We were part of something larger now, something as timeless and inevitable as death. Or as death used to be. We had already changed the world.