Book of Lost Threads

20
Finn and Boniface

AD MAJOREM DEI GLORIAM. AFTER driving through the night with Sandy, Finn found himself standing once again at the wrought-iron gates of Our Lady of Sorrows monastery, this time seeking refuge from the press.
‘Do you want me to wait?’ Sandy had fussed and worried the whole way and was clearly reluctant to leave his charge standing at a locked gate.
Through his haze, Finn noted that technology had come to the monastery and there was now an intercom instead of a bell. ‘It’s okay, Sandy,’ said Finn as he pressed the button. ‘I have friends here.’
The porter’s eerily disembodied voice came through the speaker. ‘Brother Kevin here. How can I help you?’
‘Kevin. It’s Finn, mate. Please let me in. I need to come in.’
‘Finn? Finn Clancy? Just a tick, mate.’
The gates slid open. Finn was sure that they had swung open on his first visit. He hastily shook hands with Sandy and almost ran into their embrace. ‘I’ll contact you in a couple of days,’ he said. ‘Tell Moss and Mrs Pargetter not to worry: I’ll be safe here.’
Kevin came down the path to meet him and led him back to the porter’s room. It was as clean and sparsely furnished as Finn remembered, and Kevin had changed little in the ten years since they last met. He began to relax. This place had been a constant in his memory, and some part of him had always dwelt behind these worn stone walls. He felt like a child returning home.
‘You’ve got a new job,’ observed Finn. ‘Who’s looking after the garden?’
‘There aren’t as many of us now,’ Kevin replied. ‘We all have to be—I think they call it multi-skilled.’ He grinned and then looked at Finn soberly. ‘You understand that I’ll have to call Father Jerome.’
‘Of course.’
Kevin left, and Finn sat on the wooden bench waiting for Jerome, who entered some ten minutes later and extended both hands in greeting. The years had not been kind to either of them, and they were both slightly shocked to see how the other had aged.
‘Finn. It’s good to see you,’ the abbot said, raising his hand in blessing. ‘I’m glad to be able to thank you personally for your generosity over the years. You’re always in our prayers, you know.’ He looked at the other man expectantly. ‘So what brings you back to us?’
‘It’s a long story, Father, but the main reason I’m here is that the press found out my story and I can’t face them. Not yet. It was all too sudden.’
Jerome, composed, as always, nodded as Finn went on. ‘I know Moss—the person who tried to help—did what she thought was best, but I was dealing with things in my own way. I was happy—or at least contented—in Opportunity. Now I have the press scrabbling over my life. It’s too much. I’ll have to move on.’
‘What do you want from us?’
‘A few days. A few days to get my head together.’
‘I’ve asked Kevin to make up your old cottage. You know the way. We’ll talk this afternoon.’
‘Thank you, Father Jerome. I can’t tell you how grateful . . .’
Jerome raised his hand and shook his head, smiling faintly. ‘Remember the virtue of silence,’ he said. And ushered Finn out into the brightness of the new day.
Kevin had left sheets and towels on the bed and some teabags and milk on the bench. Finn smiled to think of the outrage the teabags would beget in Mrs Pargetter’s tea-loving heart. He’d come to like the ritual of making tea in a pot, and he hoped that the three cosies he had in his bag would find homes on a real teapot. He was sure that Boniface, at least, wouldn’t countenance teabags.
He showered and lay on top of the bed, willing sleep. Although he hadn’t slept much the night before, his eyes remained wide open and gritty. Sighing, he got up and decided to take a walk in the grounds.
Matins was finished, and the monastery’s workday had begun. He wandered over to the vegie patch, noticing the large water tanks that had been installed. He ran his hands over one smooth wall. Water was a problem all over the country.
There were a few weeds in the garden, and despite the fact that he was dressed in a good shirt and jeans, he knelt down and began to pull them out. He was so absorbed in the task that he didn’t hear Kevin’s approaching footsteps.
‘Nice to have you back, Finn,’ the monk said, and they worked in silence until the next bell called Kevin to prayer.
Finn sat back on his heels and looked at his hands. They were a good deal tougher than the first time he’d worked in this garden. He began to miss his own little vegie patch back in Opportunity, and the thought that he would have to start all over again somewhere else depressed him. He felt petulant and resentful. Hadn’t he given up enough? How long would it be before his dues would be considered paid? But he wasn’t thinking of leaving Opportunity because of the press. He knew that in a few days some new titillation would send them baying after another victim and all he needed to do was stick it out. What he couldn’t bear to think about was the contempt in the eyes of his friends and neighbours now that his culpability had been exposed. He shook himself and reached for a dandelion. He liked the satisfaction of pulling out the long taproots. But he stopped mid-motion, and his hand fell onto his knee. He was so weary; too weary to bother. Stretching his back, he stood up and returned to his cottage where he fell into a troubled sleep.
He awoke in time for lunch and ate in silence as the reader intoned the Acts of the Apostles. They certainly don’t try to entertain, Finn thought as he fought off the soporific effects of the droning voice. He looked around the table. All but two of the faces were familiar, but there were several missing. Where was Boniface? Not seeing him in his usual place, Finn looked around with increasing concern. Perhaps he was working in the kitchen today? Kevin said that they all needed to multi-task, but surely a man of that age wouldn’t be made to peel potatoes? Perhaps he was . . . Finn wouldn’t allow himself to finish this thought and tried to speak to Father Timothy, who frowned and shook his head. The Rule demands silence, his look said, and Finn lowered his eyes to his soup.
‘Where’s Boniface?’ he asked as he caught up with Kevin in the cloisters.
‘He’s not well, Finn. He’s nearly ninety, you know. You really need to speak to Father Jerome.’
So when Finn met with Jerome later that day, his first question was about Boniface.
‘He’s not himself, Finbar,’ Jerome replied, his eyes sombre.
‘Is he sick? Can I see him?’ Finn’s dread was manifested in the fast beating of his heart, the nausea that gripped his gut.
‘He’s not himself,’ Jerome repeated. ‘I can take you to him now, but be warned: he probably won’t know you.’
The abbot led Finn to the infirmary. Pallid sunlight filtered through the curtains to reveal an old man lying between snowy sheets. A nimbus of silver hair framed his face, where a scaffold of bones betrayed his mortality. He lay still, his milky blue eyes open but confused.
‘Is that John?’ he quavered. ‘I’ve lost John.’
Finn was puzzled. ‘Who’s John?’
‘He is,’ replied Jerome, stroking the frail old hand. ‘When he came here nearly seventy years ago, he was John. He’s been Boniface all these years, but now . . .’ The abbot shrugged helplessly. ‘He still prays. I pray with him when I can.’ Hiding his emotion in busyness, Jerome straightened the sheet around the old priest’s chin. ‘He was an eminent theologian, you know.’
Finn expressed surprise.
‘An eminent theologian,’ the priest reiterated. ‘His book On the Humanity of Christ is still used in theology courses. He was Abbot before me. I remember when I came here to take his place: he was so happy, Finbar—his face was truly alight with joy. He hated being Abbot, although he carried out his duties conscientiously, as you might imagine. He carried them humbly, as God’s burden. His burden is sweet and His yoke is light—that was what Boniface used to say.’
Jerome murmured a blessing and turned to go. ‘Finbar, Boniface was blessed with a fine intellect, but all he really wanted was a life of prayer. Less prestige, maybe, but a powerful example to us all.’
‘Do you mind if I stay with him for a while?’ Finn asked.
‘Of course. We can talk tonight.’
Finn looked down in pity as Boniface clawed at the sheets, calling again and again, ‘John? Is that you, John?’
‘It’s Finn, Father Boniface—Finbar Clancy. I guess you don’t remember me,’ he said wistfully. ‘You were my spiritual mentor many years ago. I worked with Kevin in the garden. Remember? I killed a girl with my car. You told me I’d find answers.’ Finn was floundering, trying to elicit some recognition of their former relationship. He sighed, and held the fragile old hand. It felt light and insubstantial, with fine, brittle bones bundled under tissue-paper skin. The hand was bruised, and he held it gently, fearing that further purple blooms would grow under the slightest pressure.
Boniface looked at Finn. ‘You’re not John. You’re too tall,’ he accused. ‘I have to find John before I go.’ He became confiding. ‘I think they’ve sent him to Rome. Can you check for me? They won’t tell me anything,’ he said, now aggrieved.
Finn was at a loss. ‘Let’s say a prayer,’ he suggested in desperation. ‘Hail Mary . . .’ A rosary was on the bedside table and he twined it around the old man’s fingers.
Boniface closed his eyes, and his face relaxed as he recited the familiar words. ‘Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee . . .’
Finn stayed until, soothed by prayer, his old friend drifted off to sleep.
‘He has lucid moments,’ Jerome told Finn as they walked through the cloisters that evening. ‘But you can never predict them.’ He studied Finn’s face. ‘I’m not sure what we can do for you, though, Finbar. You’re welcome to stay for a few days, but you may be putting off the inevitable.’
Finn shook his head. ‘I feel safe here. I ran away, I guess. Just like last time.’
‘Not just like last time,’ Jerome responded thoughtfully. ‘I can sense that you’re stronger now. How do you account for that?’
‘I’m not sure. I do keep the Silence after my own fashion. That helps.’ His eyes slid away. ‘I also found my daughter— actually, she found me.’
‘Daughter? You’ve never mentioned a daughter.’
Finn smiled wryly. ‘It’s a long story, Father. She turned up on my doorstep a few months ago.’ He chose his next words carefully. ‘I’m not sure I’m . . . father material, but she—she’s a good person.’
Jerome nodded. ‘You’re lucky to have found family, Finn. It must make your life less lonely.’
‘Yes. I guess it does. And I do have a couple of friends in Opportunity.’ Good friends, he thought, surprised. ‘They sort of fill out my life a bit.’
‘What do you expect your friends might do now they know all about your past?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Will they turn their backs on you?’
Finn remembered the concerned faces as he stood paralysed in Mrs Pargetter’s front room. ‘No,’ he said finally. ‘No. They wouldn’t do that.’
‘So why did you leave?’
‘I don’t feel worthy of love or friendship. I don’t want to taint them with my troubles.’
Jerome stopped and turned to him, signalling the end of the conversation. ‘I’d like you to go away and think about what you just said, Finbar. We’ll talk again tomorrow.’
‘Do you mind if I sit in the chapel for a while?’
‘You’re always welcome in God’s house.’
Finn made his way to the chapel and paused to savour the quiet interior. Two monks were kneeling in prayer, and another was sweeping the aisle, his broom whispering rhythmically on the polished floor. Coloured light filtered through the arched windows and gathered in pools on the marble steps of the altar. Carved wooden figures looked out at the worshippers: Saint Benedict on one side, holding his book and crozier, the Virgin Mother on the other, holding the Christ child.
Slipping into a pew, Finn sat, head bowed, hands dangling between his knees. He needed to think things through. He knew that his friends would stand by him. They had already demonstrated that. He had told Jerome that he felt unworthy of love. Was he being disingenuous? He was loved. He hadn’t really thought about it before, but he was loved. His daughter had loved him enough to try to help him come to terms with his past. That it had gone disastrously wrong was not her fault. Mrs Pargetter and Sandy were fiercely loyal friends. More than that, he knew they loved him. They all shared a circle of dependence and support; each of them a little broken, but brave. Not fearless, he thought, but brave.
So why would he want to fend for himself? Why would he want to leave his friends to fend for themselves? Finn knew that he’d become a loner. The charming, sociable Michael had been left far behind, and the Finn he’d become was insular and obsessive. When he looked honestly into his heart, he saw that his greatest fear was of commitment. He saw now, with sudden clarity, that he was not just running from the press and from his own shame; he was running from the obligations of love and friendship.
These thoughts led back to his parents, who also loved him. After the accident, he had refused their love and all but disappeared from their lives, returning only for rare visits, when he sat at the dinner table chafing to be gone. His father had died three years ago, and his mother was in a retirement village now, frail but still alert. How long would it be before she, like Boniface, failed to recognise him? He looked up at the statues and then lowered his eyes. Was there accusation on the face of Mary, patron of mothers? He felt like a guilty child as his eyes slid back to the carved face. No accusation there. Just sorrow. Our Lady of Sorrows.
He was suddenly aware that the monks were filing in for Vespers. Keeping his eyes averted, he slipped out the side door and made his way to the infirmary. He stopped short when he saw Kevin reading the evening prayers at the old man’s bedside. Boniface was smiling and nodding, his troubled mind clearly soothed by the long, familiar cadences. Kevin’s voice was low, his eyes alight with faith. Finn lingered and saw Kevin rise from his knees and, like a parent, tuck in the bedclothes and gently kiss the now sleeping face. Afraid of being seen, Finn turned and walked swiftly back to his cottage. He had intruded upon a private moment, but rather than embarrassment, all he could feel was humility.
He put on the kettle and made some tea, moving aside the tea cosies that still lay on the bench. Tomorrow was Sunday, and conversation was allowed—a good time to give the tea cosies to their intended recipients.
Finn gave one each to Jerome and Kevin at breakfast the next morning. They accepted their gifts with pleasure and listened with genuine interest as Finn told Mrs Pargetter’s story.
‘We’ll pray that she finds peace,’ Jerome said.
‘We’ll pray that she finds her child,’ Kevin promised.
Finn was once again touched by the kindness of these men. It would be so easy to again immerse himself in the tranquil rhythm of their days. In reality, he had to be resolute. Without belief, he’d be living a lie. ‘I think it’s time to go back,’ he said to Jerome. ‘I’ll take the bus tomorrow. I can’t say how grateful I am for all you’ve done.’ He hesitated. ‘Can I ask one more thing of you? Can I see Boniface again before I go?’
‘You can keep watch a while this evening,’ said Jerome. ‘He’s dying, Finn, and will soon see Our Blessed Lord face to face.’
Finn spent the rest of the day in the garden with Kevin, but his thoughts were of Boniface. After the last Office of the day, Jerome indicated that the time had come, and Finn almost ran through the cloisters to the infirmary. He nodded to the monk who was sitting by the bed, and slipped into the chair he vacated. Boniface was sleeping, his breathing shallow and harsh. Taking his hand, Finn looked down at the dying man’s face.
‘I’ve decided to go back, Father Boniface,’ he whispered. ‘You told me once that I would know what to do when the time came. I don’t know. It might be now . . . Could it be now?’ He searched the old face for answers, but it remained shut. ‘I’ll go back, but then what? I still want forgiveness. I wish I had your faith—redemption is easier with faith. But people like me . . . we have to make reparation in whatever way we can. The Holy Spirit . . . he doesn’t speak to people like me.’
Boniface stirred and opened his eyes. ‘Finbar,’ he said. ‘Could you open the curtains, please?’
Startled, Finn did as he was asked and looked out at the sharp sickle that sliced the clear night sky. The stars, framed by the window, pierced the surrounding blackness with cold needles of light.
‘There’ll be a frost tomorrow; the sky is so clear,’ remarked Boniface in a conversational tone.
He has lucid moments, remembered Finn, and swiftly crossed the room to sit beside the old man. ‘Father Boniface. It’s me— Finbar Clancy. I . . .’
‘Silence allows us to look into our hearts,’ murmured Boniface, as though they were continuing a conversation begun only a minute before. But Finn was acutely aware that this was a conversation started over ten years ago.
The monk continued. ‘If your heart is open, silence leaves space for the voice of God.’ The old priest’s voice was faint and his breathing laboured. ‘Look into your heart, Finn. That’s all the help I can offer.’
‘It’s not easy, Father Boniface. I’m not sure I know how.’
‘Your Silence. How do you spend your Silence?’
‘I fear I may have squandered my Silence, Father.’
‘Squandered?’
‘I used the time to relive my guilt.’
‘Wiser to seek beyond your guilt. Listen to your heart.’
Finn nodded slowly. ‘I spent so many years not listening, Father. But in this last year, I believe I have listened—just a little.’
‘Then follow your wisdom. You mustn’t allow your past to consume you, Finbar. That’s a sin. It’s a good heart, Finbar. A good heart.’ His eyes, which seconds before had looked at Finn with intelligence and compassion, slid away to the window and the moment was gone.
‘Did they tell you where John is?’ he asked again, plucking fretfully at the sheet. ‘He should be here by now.’
‘You’ll see him soon,’ said Finn, and held the frail hand until Boniface fell once again into a shallow sleep. Finn took the tea cosy from his pocket and placed the cold hands inside. Boniface stirred but didn’t waken.
‘A gift from a good old lady.’
As the soft wool warmed his hands, the old man’s body visibly relaxed. Finn was not to know, but the Kenyan Ambassador himself could not have thought of a better use for Mrs Pargetter’s gift.