Bittersweet

CHAPTER 21

PAUL CALLED India at seven in the morning the night after he arrived, and he sounded forlorn, and exhausted the moment he spoke. He said he had had a terrible night, and was moving to the Carlyle.
“Oh Paul, I'm sorry.” It had been predictable of course, there was just too much of Serena in the apartment. “You're going to be exhausted for your meeting.”
“It was awful,” he confessed to her, “worse than I thought. I guess I shouldn't have tried to stay here.” He sounded like he'd been crying.
“Maybe eventually you can make a few changes.” It was comforting talking to him on the phone, and she felt braver immediately. This was the voice she knew. It was still a little hard to put it together with the man, who was still so new to her, and whom she had seen so seldom. But the voice had been a constant in her life for some time now.
“I'm not sure what to do, other than sell the place intact.” But he wasn't ready to do that either, and she knew it. “I'll meet you at the Carlyle tonight. In the Bemelmans Bar at seven. We can have a drink there before we go across the street to Daniel.”
“I'll be there. What are you doing about breakfast, by the way? You can't go to work on an empty stomach.” It was the kind of thing she worried about, having kids, and it made him smile. No one had worried about that for him for years. If ever. Not even Serena. He could have starved for all she cared. Serena never ate breakfast, and thought he didn't need to either.
“I'll have something at the office. They have a whole kitchen and two chefs. I'm sure they can dig up something, at least a cup of coffee. I'm going to go in early.” He would have gone anywhere, just to get out of the apartment. The closets had almost done him in the night before, and he had been crying since six o'clock that morning. “I'm not sure I can ever come back here,” he said in a choked voice.
“It'll get easier,” she reassured him. It had been difficult for him even on the Sea Star at first. Returning to the apartment he had shared with his wife was just too big a dose of reality too soon, and coming back to New York was probably emotional for him too. None of it was easy, and she knew it.
“Thanks for being there,” he said, and then he heard strange banging noises and a dog barking. “Where are you, by the way? It sounds like bedlam.”
“It is.” She smiled. “I'm making breakfast for the kids, and the dog is going crazy.” He liked the sound of it. It sounded very friendly.
“How's Sam?”
“Hungry.” She grinned.
“Go feed him. I'll call you later.”
She was out all afternoon, and she came back after she picked them all up at school. She had run into Gail, who told her Doug's girlfriend had spent the weekend with him with her kids. She had heard it from two women she ran into in the market. And India was surprised to realize it bothered her. He had a right to do what he wanted, but he hadn't wasted much time. They'd only been separated for two months. And she had no one. Except Paul. But that was different. And she didn't mention him to Gail. She never did. It had remained a well-guarded secret.
The sitter came at five o'clock, while India dressed, and she left for the city at six. And this time, the children complained about her leaving.
“Why are you going out again?” Sam whined at her, as she kissed him. “You went out last night.”
“I have friends in town. I'll see you in the morning.” She knew he was going to ask her who they were, but she beat a hasty retreat before he could do it. She wasn't going to tell him. It was none of their business. And she didn't want to worry them. She knew they were upset about Doug's girlfriend and her two children. They didn't need anyone else to worry about, even if Paul was no threat to them.
There was a lot of traffic on the way into town, and she arrived ten minutes late, in the black suit, and new shoes, with her hair in a French twist again, and her only pair of pearl earrings. This was a new experience for her, getting dressed up at night, and driving herself into the city for dinner. Paul had reiterated his offer of a driver but being picked up by a limousine and whisked away like Cinderella would have really startled the kids, she laughed. They would think she was going out with a movie star, or a drug dealer. It was a lot simpler just driving herself into the city, and sparing herself their questions and comments.
“You look beautiful,” Paul said with a smile when he saw her, and she noticed that he looked tired. It had been a long day for him, especially after being away from work for so long. Everyone wanted a piece of him, and all of his attention, and he was still a little jet-lagged. “How was your day?” he asked, as she sat down. “Not as busy as mine, I hope. I'd forgotten how exhausting work is.” He smiled, and she ordered a glass of white wine. There was plenty of time for it to wear off before she had to drive back to Westport.
“I just did errands, and picked up the kids.” She told him what Gail had said about Doug, and he raised an eyebrow.
“He sure didn't waste any time.” But he was glad. It meant he wouldn't be bothering India, and Paul was pleased to hear it.
“How was your board meeting?” India asked with interest.
“Challenging. And I talked to my son. They're having another baby. That's a hopeful sign. It's sort of a symbol of faith in the future, I always think. Maybe at their age, they're not that philosophical about it.” But as India looked at him, he didn't look like a grandfather to her. He was such a handsome man, and he didn't look his age, although he claimed that night that he felt it. She assured him it was only jet lag. But he admitted that the night before had upset him.
“I think you did the right thing moving here,” she said encouragingly.
“It's a bit stupid, with an apartment a few blocks away. But I couldn't have taken another night of it. I had all the same dreams again … of her telling me I should have gone down with her.”
“She would never have said that, and you know it,” India said firmly. It was a liberty saying that to him, but she would have said it on the phone, and she was getting used to seeing him in person. It was nice finding him at the end of her day, dressing for dinner, and going out with him. She hadn't done that in a long time, and as she sipped her wine, he was smiling at her.
“You almost sounded like Serena for a minute.” But India was very much her own person. “She hated it when I felt sorry for myself, and she always gave me hell. So you're right with what you said, as usual. You're right a lot, India. About many things.” The only thing she hadn't been right about was her marriage. She should have put her foot down years before, and let him leave her. But without his support, Paul knew she never could have done it.
They left for Daniel when they finished their drinks, and the maitre d' settled them at a cozy corner table. He made a big fuss over Paul, and India could see he'd been there often. And the maitre d' looked obviously intrigued to see India with him.
“Everyone is wondering who you are.” Paul smiled. “You look like a model in that suit, India. And I like your hair that way, it suits you.” But he also missed her braid and the way she had looked when he had met her on the Sea Star. She had been so perfectly at ease on the boat with him, and they'd had such a good time with Sam. He couldn't wait to have them back on the boat again. And he had decided that afternoon to bring the boat across the Atlantic to Antigua. He was going to suggest to her that they take the kids there over Easter. But first he helped her order dinner.
They ordered lobster bisque to start, then squab for her, and he ordered steak au poivre, endive salad, and soufflé for dessert. It was a sumptuous dinner.
And as the waiter poured them wine, Paul confirmed to her that he wanted her to come to Antigua over Easter with the children.
“Isn't there someone you'd rather have?” she asked modestly. “There are an awful lot of us. And the children will drive you crazy.”
“Not if they're like Sam. We can put all four of them in two cabins, and still have other guests if we want. I just thought it might be fun to have them on board. I thought I might invite Sean, but he's a very timid sailor, and with his wife pregnant, I don't think they'll come. But I can ask. Your kids might enjoy his children, although they're still pretty young. And Sam and I can sail the boat, while the rest of you play Har's dice, or watch videos, or something.” He looked hopeful that they would come, and India was very touched. It was an irresistible invitation, and Doug had already said he had other plans for the vacation. He and his new friend were going to Disney World with her children, and his own children had been hurt not to be included in the invitation. But as Gail had said, that was the way divorces were. A lot of fathers lost interest in their kids once they found a girlfriend.
“Are you serious about Antigua, Paul?” India asked cautiously over their soup. “You don't have to do that.”
“No, but I want to. And if you get nervous about it, India, you can stay in your cabin and call me in the wheelhouse on the phone. And then you'll remember who I am.” He was teasing her, but he was not unaware of the adjustment she was making. There were a lot of adjustments these days for both of them. He had come nose to nose with his own the night before in the apartment. But India laughed at his suggestion.
“That might work pretty well, actually. Maybe I should go out now and call you from the phone booth.”
“I wouldn't answer,” he said seriously.
“Why not?” She seemed surprised, as he looked at her with an odd expression.
“I'm on a date. First one I've had in years. I have a lot to relearn, I'm afraid. I'm not sure I remember how you do this.” There was something very vulnerable in his eyes as he said it, and when she answered, it was barely more than a whisper.
“Is this a date? I thought we were friends.” He had completely confused her.
“Can't we be both?” He looked at her honestly. He had come to New York for more than just business, although he hadn't said it to her. After talking to her for the last six months, he wanted to see her.
“I suppose we could,” she said, suddenly looking nervous.
“You're spilling your soup,” he pointed out to her, and she grinned. She had been completely taken aback by his question. “If you're going to go out to dinner with me, India, you can't spill your soup all over the table.” He sat back and looked at her, as she put her spoon down.
“I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.” She didn't want to. She didn't want him to change anything. He had already told her they were only friends, at Christmas, before Doug left her. She had been standing in a phone booth, freezing, when Paul told her that he didn't want to be the light at the end of the tunnel for her. And if that were true, how could this be a date? What did he mean? And why had he changed it? “I think you're scaring the pants off me, if that's an appropriate thing to say in this case.”
He couldn't help smiling at her. She looked very beautiful and very young, and naive. She hadn't dated even longer than he hadn't. It had been more than twenty years since she met Doug in the Peace Corps. “Am I really scaring you, India?” He looked suddenly worried. “I don't want to frighten you. Do you mean that?”
“A little. I thought we were just friends. That was what you said … at Christmas….”
“Did I? That was a long time ago.” Then he did remember. And he had meant it. But three months had gone by. The agony of Serena's memory had dimmed a little bit. And Doug had left her. “I'm not sure what I said, but I was probably being very stupid.” She could feel her heart pound as he said it. “I think it was an extremely tasteless remark about not being a light at the end of the tunnel.” She didn't understand what had happened to change it. He sighed as he looked at her, and took her hand carefully in his own, and held it across the table. “I get scared sometimes …and sad … I miss Serena …and I say things I probably shouldn't.” Did he mean now? Or then? India could feel tears fill her eyes as she watched him. She didn't want to do anything to jeopardize what they had. She didn't want to lose him. And if this went too far, he might regret it, and run off to the safety of the boat again. Maybe tins time forever.
“I don't think you know what you're doing,” she said, as he gently wiped her eyes with his napkin.
“You may be right. But why don't you let me figure it out, and not worry about it so much. Just trust me, India. Let's figure it out together.” She closed her eyes for a minute, enjoying the moment, and then nodded. And when she looked at him again, he was smiling. He liked what was happening to them, and what he was feeling for her. Instead of mourning the end, he was savoring the tenderness of the beginning.
Their mood lightened again after that, and he told her funny things that had happened on the boat, people who had gotten drunk or misbehaved, and a woman who had had an affair with his captain, and another woman who had left the portholes in her cabin open and nearly sank the boat. India shuddered at that story as she listened to him.
“I'll remember not to do that.”
“I'll remind you. It's so embarrassing when we sink, and very hard on the carpets.” Her eyes grew wide as she listened. She knew less about sailboats than Sam did, and Paul was taking full advantage of it, although the story about the portholes was true, and they had little reminders in the cabins now, in case anyone forgot it. “You know,” he went on, looking calmly at her, “it's remarkable. The Sea Star is so well built, we've only capsized once.” Her mouth opened, as she looked at him with terror, and then realized what he was doing to her.
“I hate you,” she said, sounding just like Sam, and he laughed at her.
“I'm not frightening you, am I? I thought you'd be impressed. She actually does very well when we capsize, spins right around, and comes right back up again. All we have to do is dry the sails off. I'll show you.”
“Forget Antigua,” she said firmly. But by then, she knew what he was doing. He was just having a little fun with her. “Tell those stories to Sam. At least he won't believe them.”
“He might.” Paul's eyes danced. He was enjoying her company, the dinner, and the wine. It was the most fun he'd had in a long time, longer than he wanted to think of. “I'm very convincing.”
“Yes, you are,” she said with a shy smile. She liked his sense of humor, and his style, and she was as at ease with him now as she'd been on the phone. They had had a wonderful evening. And after dinner, they walked slowly back to the Carlyle. It was still early, and he asked her if she'd like to come up for a few minutes before she drove back to Westport. She still had time. She really didn't have to start back until later. And the sitter had agreed to stay over in case India came home too late, which meant she had all the time she wanted.
“My suite isn't too bad, but it's not exactly Versailles,” he apologized. “I think it's someone's apartment. They lease them for months at a time.” He didn't offer to take her back to the bar, and they went up in the elevator as he told her about the Sea Star, and told her what to expect in Antigua. He said they could visit a number of other islands. In fact, they could do anything she wanted.
The elevator stopped at nine, and he let her into a large, comfortable room that was handsomely decorated, though nothing like his apartment. It was predictably impersonal, but there were flowers everywhere, and a bar with everything they could have wanted. He poured her some wine, but she didn't drink, since she still had to drive back to Westport. There were fruit and pastries as well, provided by the hotel, but neither of them was hungry after the huge meal they'd just eaten at Daniel.
India sat down on the couch, and Paul sat down next to her. He was still talking about the boat, and then he stopped and looked at her, and she felt the same electricity course through her that she had felt when she first met him. Aside from his obvious good looks, there was something irresistibly attractive about him.
“I can't believe we're sitting here,” he said. “I keep expecting to wake up on the boat, and have someone tell me you're calling.”
“It is funny, isn't it?” She smiled, remembering all the times they'd talked, and all the things they'd said, for so many months, the times she had called him from freezing pay phones before Doug left her. She laughed when she thought about it. “I thought I was going to get frostbite.” She had carried rolls of quarters for months, so she could call him whenever she wanted.
“We've been through some hard times, you and I,”he said quietly, but thinking only of her now, and not the people they had lost, or been at other times. All he could see were her eyes, the gentleness in them, and all he felt was what had grown between them in his months on the Sea Star.
He said nothing more to her then, but leaned over very quietly, took her in his arms, and kissed her. And as she felt his lips on hers, she had the answers to all her questions. It was a long time before they spoke again, and when they did, his voice was soft and hoarse with passion. “I think I've fallen in love with you, India,” he whispered. It was not in any way what he had expected, or what she had thought would happen between them when she saw him. She had long since told herself that this would never happen.
“I tried so hard not to tell you, not to even let myself feel it,” she said, feeling all the same things he did.
“So did I,” he said quietly, holding her close to him, with an arm around her shoulders. “I knew it a long time ago, but I was always afraid it wasn't what you wanted.”
“I thought … I was afraid …” She had been so certain that there was no way she could measure up to Serena in his eyes. She hadn't dared to hope, but she didn't say that to him now. He kissed her again, and he held her with such strength that she felt breathless. And then without a word, he stood up and walked her slowly to his bedroom, and then stopped in the doorway.
“I'll do whatever you want,” he said with a look of sorrow in his eyes. He knew that with that single gesture, he was leaving one life and entering another, if that was what she wanted. He loved her more than he had ever thought possible, and he knew it with perfect clarity at that moment. “If you want to go back to Westport, it's all right…. I'll understand.” But she shook her head as she looked at him. She didn't want to go anywhere now without him. Like him, she had known this for a long time. She had fought it valiantly, she had been there for him, and called him from ice-cold phone booths. But now that was all behind them.
“I love you, Paul,” she said softly.
He turned the lights out then, and laid her on the bed, and lay next to her, holding her and touching her, and reveling in all her warmth and softness and glory. He peeled the black suit away, and everything he found beneath it, and they clung to each other with a hunger neither of them had realized they had for each other. And when she lay naked next to him, he looked down at her with all the love and tenderness he felt for her.
“You're so beautiful, India,” he whispered, as she reached up to him with the smile he had remembered for so long and the arms he had been starving for, and gently she brought him to her.
They met and held and danced in the skies, as together they found what they had been looking for, in the arms of someone whom they not only loved, but who loved them. It was everything neither of them had had before, and only discovered now, with each other. It was like being born again, for both of them, as they clung to life and hope and the dreams they each had forgotten, and long since ceased to believe in. And as she moaned softly in his arms, he brought her to places she had never known, and had only dimly realized she longed for. And when it was over, it was not an end, but a beginning.
They lay quietly side by side for a long time, and then he kissed her again, and after a while she fell asleep beside him. He watched her sleep for a long time, and then he closed his eyes and slept as he hadn't in months, with her love to bring him home again from his agonizing journey to lonely places.
The sun was coming up when they woke, and he made love to her again, and she lay in his arms afterward and sighed and told him she had never known it could be like that.
“It can't,” he said with a smile, still somewhat in awe of her, and what had come to them. She was everything he had so desperately wanted and never allowed himself to realize in all the months he'd called her. “I'm never going to let you go again,” he said happily. “You're going to have to go everywhere with me …work …the boat … I can't live without this.”
“You're going to have to,” she smiled up at him mischievously, “I have to drive back to Westport.” He groaned at the prospect of losing her, even until that evening.
“Can you come back tonight?” he asked, before he let her move from him. He wanted to make love to her again, but they both needed time to recover.
She knew it would be hard to leave the children again for the third night, and she looked at him hopefully. “Can you come out to Westport?”
“What about the children?”
“We'll think of something…. You can sleep with Sam.”
“That would be interesting.” He laughed, and she giggled, and slowly she unwound her body from his, still overwhelmed by everything that had happened.
He watched her walk across the room, and he didn't tell her this time that she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Saying it seemed somehow a disrespect to Serena. But he had found with India something he'd never even had with her. The fascination of Serena had been that she had never given herself to anyone completely, not even him after all those years. She always kept a piece of herself apart, as though to prove to him that he would never own her. The difference between them was that India gave herself to him completely. She opened herself to him, in all her warmth and vulnerability, and he felt as though he could disappear for a thousand years into all she gave him. He felt safe with her, and together they shared an ecstasy that satisfied him completely.
He stood in the shower with her, and then watched her dress, and then he put his own clothes on, as she looked at him, and smiled mysteriously. She was thinking that whoever had said it about him had been right … he was indecently handsome.
He rode down in the elevator with her, thinking of what she meant to him, and when she got in her car, he looked at her, wanting to remember this moment for a lifetime.
“Be careful. … I love you, India.” She leaned out of the car to kiss him, with her long blond hair streaming past her shoulders. He touched it and it felt like silk to him, as she smiled up at him, all innocence and trust and hope and dreams, with the glow of what had happened still in her eyes, as she looked at him with a peaceful expression.
“I love you too. Call me, I'll give you directions.” He watched her as she drove away, with all the power of his love for her. And then as he walked back into the hotel, he felt a knife of remorse slice through his soul, as he remembered Serena.