dance. Was it pity? Nostalgia? I had no clue. Maybe this
was getting more complicated than I thought it would be. I
only wanted to go to a dance with a cute boy. And not think
of Levi.
But the problem was that Levi always came up.
I tried to convince myself that this dance was nothing. I
wanted to go with someone and hope my feelings for Levi
would go away.
But they weren’t going away. They were growing more and
more by the day.
And there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I was conflicted. I felt sick to my stomach.
And I really wanted those cheese curds.
I tried to push everything out of my head the week leading up
to the dance.
262
It was only a dance. I had made plenty of comments about
how high school dances were silly and conformed to the ever—
sexist stereotype about male-female relationships (it was very Floyd of me). And for the first time since homecoming
last year, Levi and I both would be going with a date. Him
with his girlfriend of nearly six months. Just the thought of
seeing his arms around her . . .
It was pretty clear who was winning this battle.
Even though it wasn’t a competition.
But part of me felt like it was. Which one of us could survive without the other? And while Levi needed my help to
physically get around, he didn’t need need me.
Well, he did need me to help him pick out a tie.
There I was in his bedroom, a few hours before the dance.
He held out two tie options for me.
“I know this is boring,” I said, “but I like the skinny black
one. It’s more formal.”
He tossed the other tie aside. “Thanks.” He used both his
arms to help himself up. He was getting more mobile but still
needed his brace for a few more days.
“Are you going to be okay getting there?” I asked. “Not like
I don’t doubt Keith’s strength or anything, but he needs to be
careful.”
“I’ll be fine, but thanks.” He wobbled over to his closet.
“What time do you need to get ready for college boy?”
I looked at my watch. “I probably should leave soon. Do you
think it’s strange that he’s taking me?”
Levi shook his head. “I would find it odd if anybody didn’t want to take you anywhere you wanted to go.”
263
I was stunned by Levi’s response. It was sweet and exactly
what I needed to hear. Usually we’re ribbing each other, so
I almost didn’t know how to respond to such a sincere
gesture.
As if Alex could read my mind, he called as I was saying
good-bye to Levi. “Better take this,” I said as I went into the
hallway for some privacy.
“Hey, I’m so glad I caught you,” Alex seemed out of breath.
“I feel awful.”
“Is everything all right?” I asked.
“No, I’m so sorry, but I can’t go tonight.” I heard shout—
ing in the background. “My friends convinced me to rush,
and the frat we’re interested in wants us to . . . well, I can’t really say, except that I won’t be going anywhere this entire
weekend.”
And here I’d been thinking I’d have to wait a couple years
before a frat boy broke my heart.
Although my heart wasn’t really broken. I was excited to
hang out with Alex, but not as much as I should’ve been. I
knew what it was like to like someone. And I didn’t have
those feelings for Alex.
“It’s okay.” I made some other comments to make Alex feel
better, when in reality, he should’ve been comforting me. I
don’t even remember how we ended the conversation.
But I do remember seeing Levi look at me through a par—
tially opened door.
I gave him a smile. “Well, Alex can’t make it. So I’m going
to go home and consume a bunch of food and watch a sappy
movie, as one does in these circumstances.”
264
Levi looked at me intensely. “Do you want to go with me?”
I shook my head. “I’m not going to be the third wheel.”
He hobbled forward. “No, that’s not what I’m asking.
Macallan, do you want to go to the dance with me?”
He wasn’t making sense. “What about Stacey?”
“Can you forget about Stacey and everybody else for a second? I’m asking you a simple question: Do you want to go
with me?”
But it wasn’t a simple question. Of course, I wanted to go
to the dance with Levi. I loved to do anything with Levi. We
always had fun together, even when he’d complain about his
injury.
Levi took my hand. “Macallan, I just need a yes or a no.”
I could feel tears sting the back of my eyes as I denied
myself the one thing I truly wanted. I pulled my hand away.
“Listen, don’t worry about me. I better go. You don’t want to
keep your group waiting.”
I turned my back and rushed down the stairs, knowing he
couldn’t catch up to me. But as I walked out the front door, I
replayed in my head what I wanted to say. What I wished