The way she would expect me to be there for her.
The way she would rest her head on my shoulder when we’d
watch a movie.
The way she would taunt me by messing up my hair.
The way she kissed me and pul ed away.
Real y, when I thought about it, it was that moment. That kiss was when I started to feel differently about her.
But to her it was nothing.
Why did it have to be nothing?
Why couldn’t it have been something?
Why did she have to pull away?
Why couldn’t she —
And then it hit me.
I knew I could sometimes be slow with things, but why on earth
had it taken me so long to realize what was real y going on?
What I real y felt. Why I was real y mad. Why I was pushing
Macal an away. Why being with her became more and more difficult.
Why I felt nervous and angry anytime a guy mentioned her.
The second I admitted it to myself, I knew it had been true for a very, very long time.
I was in love with Macal an.
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I dropped the ball and left it there on the ground. Keith asked me what was going on. I yel ed something to him and the other guys
about needing to talk to Macal an and ran.
I knew love was a strong word for someone my age. But that was what it was. That was what we had.
And I wasn’t going to let it go.
We’d hit rock bottom, but this is what I found there. The truth.
I ran faster than I’d ever run before. There wouldn’t have been a one-tenth difference that day. I would’ve blown away every last runner that time. Because at the end of this finish line wasn’t a trophy — it was Macallan.
I was a little winded when I knocked on the door. I didn’t care that I was sweating and probably looked a little crazy.
What I was about to do was crazy.
What I was about to do would change everything.
But I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The truth I was concealing was driving her away.
It was time I stopped messing around and stepped up.
“Oh, hel o, Levi,” Mr. Dietz greeted me at the door, and he did not look very happy to see me.
“Hi, Mr. Dietz. Can I speak to Macal an, please?” I almost didn’t recognize my own voice, there was so much pleading in it.
He sighed, but opened the door. “She’s out back.”
I went through the house and saw Adam, who looked at me
stone-faced. I’ve never seen him look so serious. That was when I knew I was in big trouble. I went to the door to the deck, where Macal an was sitting on the steps that led to the yard. My heart almost broke when I saw there were crumpled-up tissues at her
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side. I slid open the glass door, and her dad stopped me from closing it.
“Levi’s here,” he announced. She turned around and her eyes
were red. “You going to be okay, Cal ey?”
I’d never heard her dad call her anything but Macal an. This was worse than I’d thought.
She gave him a tiny nod.
Then I heard Adam’s voice. “I’m going to be standing right here if you need anything. Anything at al .” He nodded sternly at me, like he wouldn’t hesitate for a second to take me down.
Adam’s loyalty was a stark contrast to how I’d been behaving. I’d never been so ashamed of myself.
“Hey,” I said as I gently maneuvered myself next to her on the
step. “I know I’ve been saying this a lot lately Macal an, but I’m sorry.
I was being a grade-A jerk. I was confused about a lot of things and was trying to fit in. But I realize that none of it matters, none of it matters to me. I mean, except you.”
I’d never had to declare my love to anybody before. But I was
pretty confident I was doing a horrible job.
“I got so mad, because, I think, I mean, I know now that, wel , I have feelings. I mean, you know, not just feelings, but I . . . Let me start over.”
“You made a promise to me, Levi. You promised you’d be there
for me. But you haven’t been. And I never, never saw you as my ‘whipping boy’ at my ‘beck and cal .’ ”
Those words, the words I used just hours earlier, stung. I could only imagine how much they’d hurt her.
She continued while tightly holding on to a tissue. “I didn’t realize what a burden it was for you to hang out with me.”
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“No,” I said forceful y. I couldn’t believe she would have ever
thought that, no matter what I said. But I had been ignoring her. So I guess I could see why she thought that.
She disregarded my comment. “It’s great that you’ve got your
own friends. It would be selfish of me to keep you from them. That was never my intention.”
“No, that’s not it. I’m horrified that you would ever think that.” I took her hand in mine. “I’ve been a complete idiot. And I know why I’ve been so confused. I guess I have problems expressing myself and, um . . .”
She wouldn’t even look at me. I cautiously took my other hand
and gently maneuvered her head so she looked at me. Her eyes
were fil ed with tears.