Before You Go

TWENTY-FIVE

My short boost of confidence with Jules dissipates when I get to English Lit and see Noah and Jules. Professor Sands sends us into our groups right away.

One word: awkward.

Noah tries to be all businesslike about our project, but I feel his eyes travel over me, concerned I might fall apart any second. Yet he continues talking literary themes and symbolism. He asks me a few questions and begins to structure an outline for our presentation, pretending he didn’t see anything out of the ordinary earlier today. I’m put on quote duty. My job is to pull the best quotes to illustrate the book’s primary themes, as well as poignant moments throughout the novel. In other words, busywork.

Surprisingly, we make progress and soon it’s time to call it a day. I’m jumpy as we pack up our things, worried about where exactly Jules plans to take me tomorrow and how exactly Noah plans to deal with my outburst.

I am relieved beyond words when he reaches for my hand as we leave school. I hold on tight.

“I don’t know what to say, Tabby,” Noah says when we’re alone.

Here we go. One step forward, two steps back.

“You don’t have to say anything, Noah,” I say lightly. “I’m sorry about freaking out on you and that you had to see my little breakdown.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. I want you to be able to talk to me. I want to be able to share the good stuff, of course, but the shitty things too.”

“I don’t think you’d want to know everything about me. It’s better this way, trust me.”

“We all have a past, Tabby. I’ve made my own share of mistakes.”

“I find that hard to believe,” I say, thankful to change the subject.

“The way things are with Jenna, my obsession with the newspaper, and my very lame social situation. With the exception of you, of course,” he gives a tiny grin. “It’s all because of the mistakes I made freshman year. I totally f*cked up.”

“Tell me,” I say trying to help him, the way he’s always helping me.

I squeeze his hand and Noah starts to talk.

"Well, Jenna and I were at a house party,” he begins. I try to keep my mind open, but I’m already irritated at the sound of her name.

“I partied a lot back then,” he continues. “We were with Jules and Foster that night.”

“Wait,” I’m confused. “You hate Foster.”

“I don’t hate him, I just don’t get him anymore,” Noah says. “We were actually really close freshman year.”

That’s right. I remember Jules telling me something about this.

“Anyway, we had Jenna’s little brother, Ben, with us at the party too,” Noah says, looking down at the street as we walk.

“I was an a*shole back then. I wanted to break up with Jenna and I was treating her like shit. About an hour into the party, Foster and I decided to ditch the girls to go get high.”

He slows down and stuffs our linked hands into his coat pocket. His voice quivers. “Nobody had weed at the party, so we left with some guys to find one of our connections. We just left the girls and Ben behind.”

Noah stops and lets out a frustrated growl. “It was so stupid. I was so stupid.”

He releases my hand so we can sit on the curb. “Jenna and Jules were too drunk to drive. Foster was supposed to be the DD. It was such a dick move leaving them there—on both our parts. Ben volunteered to drive them home. He wasn’t shitfaced or anything, but he’d been drinking plenty.”

My stomach tightens, knowing this is not going to end well.

“It was raining to top it all off,” Noah continues. “Jules wouldn’t leave with them. She didn’t think it was a good idea.”

It’s not my story to tell, Jules once said to me.

“But Jenna went with Ben, and he took a corner too fast. We pieced the whole thing together after it happened. He apparently yanked the steering wheel back the other way. It was too much; he overcorrected. They slid off the road. Hit a tree. Totaled the car.”

“Oh my God, Noah,” I say, not sure I want to hear the rest.

“I know,” Noah says, his voice full of remorse. “Ben was killed that night.”

Noah hides his face in his hands.

“Oh no,” I say, feeling my heart break for him.

“Ben was a good kid, too. A senior in high school, smart, good-looking. And gone way too early. Because of so many mistakes.”

“It was nobody’s fault, Noah.”

“But it was. We all played a part in it. Foster and I never should’ve left them. I think we are most to blame. Well, I am, anyway. Jenna was my girlfriend and I treated her so badly, and her brother paid the ultimate price. But she didn’t blame me.”

“Who did she blame?” I ask, knowing Jenna isn’t the forgiving type.

“Jules,” Noah answers. “And Foster.”

It was all starting to make sense now.

“That night tore us all apart, Tabby,” he says with glossy eyes. “Jules and Foster both tried to comfort Jenna, but she wouldn’t have it. She was hurt pretty bad. In the hospital for over a month. I was the only person she let visit.

“After the accident, we all handled things differently. I drank away the pain in private; Foster did, and still does, in public; and Jules went into a pretty deep depression. She really lost both Jenna and Foster that night. And Jenna’s parents…they blame their daughter for Ben’s death. It’s been hell. That’s why I have to be there for Jenna. I can’t let her down again. I just can’t.”

“I don’t even know what to say.” I bring Noah’s hand to my lips. “I’m just so sorry. For all of you.”

Noah stops to look at me. “I’m okay. I’ve healed and I’ve learned from my mistakes. But that’s why I don’t want to make any bad decisions with you, Tabby. I’m worried, but I’ll wait until you’re ready to talk. I won’t push you.”

“Thank you.” It’s the only thing I can think to say to him.

When we get to his corner, I give him a hug and he tightens around my body, melting into me. I don’t want him to have this pain, but it feels good to finally be the one to comfort someone else.

“I’m glad you told me about the accident, Noah,” I say, not letting go. “And I know it’s selfish, but I’m so glad you weren’t in that car.”

“I just hope someday you can trust me enough to tell me your story.” He pulls away to look at my face, before moving in for a kiss. It’s careful and sweet. “I’ll see you at seven.”

“What?” I’m stunned.

“We had plans. Don’t you want to keep them?” Noah asks with disappointment in his voice.

“It’s not that. I can’t believe you do.”

“Why?” He keeps his hands resting on my shoulders. “I think this is exactly what we need.”

I’m so relieved he feels that way but also nervous as f*ck. If we continue with our experiment, that means it’s time for touching below the belt.

“Now is the perfect time for you to put more trust in me, Tabby.”

“Okay,” I stutter. “Seven it is.”

“Good.” Noah nods, and gives me another sweet kiss. But the way he finishes it this time leaves me breathless.