5
IT STARTLED FAITH TO SEE THAT BOTH ELOISE AND ZOE had grown into independent young women in the brief months since they had been away. Eloise had left for London in September, and Zoe for Brown in August, and both had changed dramatically in a remarkably brief time. Eloise suddenly looked stylish and sophisticated. She'd lost some weight and bought a new wardrobe in little shops in London, and she was crazy about her job. She had met lots of new people, and had a new boyfriend, a young Englishman who also worked at Christie's. And although she was happy to see how she was thriving, Faith felt a pang as she realized how empty her nest really was. And that it was going to stay that way. Eloise was talking about staying in London for two or three years, if not longer, and maybe taking a job in Paris or Florence after that. She loved what she was learning and the people she worked with. All was well in her world.
And Zoe absolutely loved Brown. It was everything she had hoped it would be. She had designed a curriculum for herself in fine arts, with a minor in economics. She wanted to run an art gallery eventually, or start a service to buy art for important collectors. She already had her goals in her sights, even at eighteen.
Faith was reveling in the excitement of having them both home. The house seemed full of noise and laughter again, doors were banging, the girls were running up and down the stairs, and she heard them in the kitchen late that night. Alex was already asleep by then. He and Eloise had had a long quiet talk in his den, while Faith and Zoe had chatted in her room. Faith tiptoed quietly down the stairs to join the girls.
“Hi, Mom.” Zoe looked up at her with a grin. She was sitting on the counter eating ice cream out of the container with a spoon, while Eloise was sprawled in a chair, sipping a cup of tea.
“It sure is good to see you guys here,” Faith smiled at them. “This house is like a tomb without you.” Zoe offered her a spoonful of ice cream, and she took it and then kissed Zoe's long blond hair, which hung to her waist. Eloise had just cut hers short, and it looked well on her.
“What are you both doing this weekend?” she asked as she sat at the table with Eloise, and smiled at her. She was a beautiful girl, taller than her younger sister, though not by much. They both had Alex's height and his long, lanky looks, their mother's perfect figure, and faces like cameos. They had both been asked to model at various times, but neither had ever been interested in it, much to Faith's relief. She thought that a frightening world, full of people who would have exploited them, and dangers in the form of men and drugs. She was well aware that she had been lucky with both girls.
“I'm seeing all my friends,” Zoe said delightedly, “everyone's home from school.”
“Me too,” her older sister said. “There's a bunch of people I want to see.” Although some of her friends had taken jobs in other cities, or had gone to graduate school, many of them were still in New York. She had worked for Christie's for two years in New York before they'd transferred her. It seemed the perfect job for her.
“I wish you could both stay longer,” Faith said wistfully. “It's so nice to have you home. I don't know what to do with myself without you.”
“You should get a job, Mom,” Ellie said practically, and Faith didn't volunteer that she was back in school, and preparing to take the LSAT in a few weeks. By then, Zoe had gotten on the phone with one of her friends, and didn't hear what either of them said.
“I might one of these days,” her mother said offhandedly. “Daddy thinks I should do charity work or learn to play bridge.”
“That would be nice,” Eloise said, sipping her tea, not wanting to contradict what her father said. She usually agreed with him, on principle. She always had. She thought the sun rose and set on him. And in contrast, Zoe criticized nearly everything he said and did. She felt he had never been there for her, whereas Ellie thought him the perfect father. She was far more critical of Faith, and had battled ferociously with her during her teen years, unlike Zoe, who had been easy for Faith, and still was. Although they looked very similar, the girls had totally different personalities and points of view about everything.
The three of them sat in the kitchen for an hour, chatting about nothing in particular, and then finally Faith put the dishes in the sink, turned off the lights, and they went upstairs to their respective rooms. Faith got into bed next to Alex and she slept like a child that night, knowing that her girls were home. And she got up at the crack of dawn the next day, to make the dressing and put the turkey in the oven and get everything ready before the others came downstairs.
They had a late breakfast, and sat reading the paper in their pajamas, as Faith checked on the turkey, and set the table in the dining room. Zoe offered to help, and Ellie sat talking to her father. There was an easy, convivial atmosphere that they all enjoyed. And even Alex looked pleased to spend time with them. It was noon before they all went back upstairs to dress. They usually congregated in the living room at two o'clock on Thanksgiving Day, and ate at three.
And when the girls came back downstairs, dressed and made up, and looking very pretty, they sat next to their father and watched the football game with him. Ellie was a huge football fan, and told him she'd been to some rugby games with friends, but it just wasn't the same thing. Zoe went to help Faith in the kitchen then, and by three o'clock, the candles were lit, the table looked beautiful, and they were ready to sit down for the meal. They ate neither lunch nor dinner on that day usually. Instead, they picked at leftovers late at night, which was almost a tradition with them, after eating the enormous meal Faith prepared. It was a traditional Thanksgiving feast and looked like something in a magazine. The turkey was a golden honey brown, and there were sweet potatoes with marshmallows, spinach, peas, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, chestnut puree, and pumpkin and apple pies for dessert. It was everyone's favorite meal of the year.
Faith said grace, as she always did, Alex carved the turkey, and everyone chatted animatedly. It saddened Faith a little thinking of years gone by when Jack and Debbie had been with them, and Charles and her mother. It was odd to think that they were all gone, and only the immediate family was left, but she tried not to think of it as she and Alex chatted with the girls. They talked about everything from business to politics to school. And they were already eating dessert when Alex looked at Faith and commented to his daughters with a derisive look that their mother had been thinking of going back to school. He said it as though it were something very foolish she'd been considering, and more than anything, he looked amused.
“She came to her senses fortunately. She had some crazy idea about going to law school, until I pointed out she's a little old for that. We'd have been eating peanut butter sandwiches for Thanksgiving next year, while she studied for exams,” he said, and Ellie laughed, while Faith looked hurt, and Zoe glared at him. It was the kind of thing he did, and she hated. She detested it when he put her mother down, which he did frequently.
“I don't think it's a crazy idea, Dad,” Zoe said bluntly, staring right across the table at him with a determined look. She wanted to put her arms around her mother and protect her from him. It made her furious to hear him diminish her. He had often done it to Zoe too. “I think it's a great idea.” She turned to her mother then, who was looking upset. “I hope you're still planning to follow through on it, Mom.” They had talked about it several times, and she wanted her father to know that she approved of the plan, and he looked annoyed as soon as Zoe spoke up, which meant nothing to her. She wasn't afraid of him. She had her own ideas.
“We'll see, sweetheart. Daddy thinks I wouldn't be able to do what I need to for him, although I think I could. We'll talk about it again sometime,” she said, trying to move the conversation along, as Alex looked pointedly across the table at her.
“There's nothing to talk about, Faith. We resolved that some time ago. I thought we agreed.” She didn't know what to say to him. She didn't want to lie to him, nor start a war with him on Thanksgiving, when the girls were home. And she wasn't ready to tell him she was already taking a class at NYU's School of Continuing Education, studying to take the LSAT in December. It was the wrong place and time to discuss it with him, but he seemed to want to make an issue of it in front of the girls, to drive the point home that he had the final say in it. But Zoe quickly took the bait, even before Faith could respond to him.
“I think Mom should go to law school. All she does is sit here and wait for you to come home, Dad. That's not a life for her. And you travel a lot anyway. Why shouldn't she be a lawyer if that's what she wants to do?” Faith was touched that she'd stuck up for her, but she wanted to get them off the topic as soon as possible before it turned into an argument, which it inevitably would.
“She's too old to be a lawyer,” Alex said stubbornly. “And she has a job. A full-time job. She's my wife. That should be enough for her. And I think she knows it is.” Alex looked sternly from Zoe to Faith, and Ellie stared at the remains of her dessert, not wanting to enter the discussion if possible. She thought her mother should get a part-time job or do volunteer work. Law school sounded a little too demanding to her too.
“Alex, why don't we discuss this when the girls aren't here,” Faith said, looking pained. She didn't want an argument to spoil the little time they had together, particularly on Thanksgiving. But he looked pointedly at her, and his voice rose a decibel.
“That subject is closed, Faith. I was just telling the girls what you'd been considering. But it's ridiculous, you know that. It's not an option, I just thought they'd be amused to know you'd thought of it.” The way he said it humiliated her, and she rose to the bait in spite of herself, and snapped at him.
“It's not ‘ridiculous,’ Alex. I'm serious about it. And I think it's a damn good idea,” she said, and he looked stunned, as Ellie began to look seriously uncomfortable. She hated it when her parents disagreed. And Zoe looked furious on her mother's behalf. She looked like a volcano about to erupt when her older sister intervened.
“I think it would be a lot for you to take on, Mom. My friends who are in law school all hate it, they're drowning in work, and can hardly keep up. Dad's right. You'd have a tough time being here for him.” It seemed a reasonable argument against it to her, but it brought Zoe out with eyes that flashed at her.
“Then maybe that's a sacrifice Dad would have to make, for her sake for once. There's a novel idea.” She glanced from Ellie to him, and Faith felt panicked at the turn the meal was taking. She looked at Zoe appreciatively, but tried to turn the tides before they all drowned in them.
“I think Daddy and I have to settle this on our own. But thank you, sweetheart. We don't have to decide this right now,” she said, the eternal peacemaker, although her heart was pounding at what he'd said to her.
“We already did, Faith. The subject is closed.”
“Then you shouldn't have brought it up,” Faith said sensibly. “I wouldn't have. And no, actually, it's not closed. I sent the forms in for two classes at NYU's School of Continuing Education. I start in January.” She didn't tell him she was taking the LSAT so she could apply to law school if she wanted to, and to see how she would do. But she could have kicked herself for saying even as much as she had. She didn't want to start a war with him and ruin Thanksgiving for the girls, but he had been so condescending and humiliating that she couldn't resist letting him know that he didn't have total control. But she instantly regretted it, as he slammed a fist down on the table, which made all the silver and crystal jump, and both girls. They were stunned by his vehemence, as was Faith. And whether she wanted it or not the war had started again. This was a power war with him, and he did not intend to lose.
“Withdraw them, Faith. Call the school. There's no point doing that. You are not going to law school, and that's final. I won't tolerate it!” She only wanted to take the classes to prepare herself for law school in the fall and get back into the rhythm of school. Besides, it was a more intelligent pursuit than lunches or shopping with her friends.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” Zoe shouted at him, as her father stood up, looking enraged.
“How dare you speak to me that way!” he shouted back at her, as tears filled Faith's eyes. She didn't want this to happen. She wanted everything to be perfect for them while they were there. And she felt as though this was all her fault, since they were arguing over her.
“Zoe, please!” Faith said gently, trying to calm her, but Alex was furious over what she'd said to him. It was the culmination of a lot of old battles between them. Zoe was always critical of him, and had been since she was a little girl. But this was the most outspoken she had ever been to him. She couldn't stand the way he spoke to and about their mother. And Faith had a hard time defending herself. Years of being criticized and dominated as a child had taken a toll.
“No, Mom,” Zoe said, turning to her, her own eyes brimming with tears, “I don't know how you can let him talk to you that way. It makes me sick. And if you won't tell him to stop, I will.” And then she turned to Alex, trembling with rage. “You're so goddamn disrespectful of her, you always are. How can you treat her that way? Can't you treat her like a human being, after everything she does for you, for all of us? When does she get her turn, to be treated with respect? And if she wants to go to law school, why the hell not? Frankly, I'd rather eat hot dogs next year, and know that she was happy.”
Ellie piped up then, looking superior and irritated, as Faith wished she had a magic wand to make them all behave. “You always spoil everything,” she said to her younger sister. “You're always picking on Dad.”
“For chrissake, look at the way he treats our mother! Is that all right with you? Do you think that's what she deserves? Dad's not a saint, you know, El. He's just a man, and he treats Mom like shit.”
“Stop it!” Faith shouted at them. They were all behaving abominably, and worse yet, they were doing it on her behalf. The meal was over by then, but it was ending on an ugly note that none of them would ever forget, and all because Alex had mentioned that Faith wanted to go to law school. She was furious with herself too for snapping at him and setting a tone that had been picked up by the girls. She felt she should have known better, and was devastated to have been the cause of a situation that had upset everyone. And without saying another word, Alex stormed out of the room, marched into his study, and slammed the door.
“Now look what you've done!” Ellie shouted at her mother and sister. “You've ruined everything for Dad.”
“Bullshit!” Zoe shouted back at her. “You're always protecting him, but he started this. He put Mom down in front of all of us. How much fun is that for her?”
“You shouldn't have told him you sent the forms in for school,” Eloise reproached her mother. “You knew it would upset him. Why did you tell him that?” She was in tears too.
“Because I was upset,” Faith said apologetically, wanting them both to calm down. She hated it when they fought, particularly over her—and she always felt guilty when they did. “I was going to tell him eventually anyway, if I decided to go. I haven't made my mind up yet.” She was torn between wanting to take a stand, and not wanting to upset them. She could still decide not to take the classes, or even the LSAT in a few weeks.
“You'd better go, Mom,” Zoe railed at her. “I'll never forgive you, or Dad, if you don't. It's what you want to do, and you have as much right as we do, or Dad does, to do what you want.”
“Not if it upsets your father that much, and creates this much havoc between the two of you.” Faith looked heartbroken. Why did something so reasonable for her have to come at such a high price for everyone else?
“He'll get over it,” Zoe said, glaring angrily at Eloise. She hated it when her sister stood up for their father, when he was wrong. Ellie always defended him, no matter what, which seemed unreasonable to her. “Mom has to have a life too,” she said, as Ellie disappeared from the dining room. She was going to console her dad.
Faith was clearing the table then, with tears running down her cheeks. “I hate it when you girls fight,” she said miserably, as Zoe put an arm around her and held her tight as Faith juggled the plates distractedly.
“I hate it when he treats you like shit, Mom. And he always does. He does it just to torture you in front of us.”
“He doesn't torture me,” Faith said as she put the plates down and gave Zoe a hug. “But thank you for defending me. It's not a good idea if it gets everyone upset. That's just the way he is,” Faith said, forgiving him more easily than Zoe ever would. She had years of scores to settle with him, which would take her a lifetime to resolve. Faith hated that too, but she could never convince Zoe otherwise. Alex had been too hard on her for too long.
“He's arrogant and inconsiderate, and supercilious and disrespectful and cold,” Zoe said, reeling off what she felt were his main faults, as Ellie walked back into the room. Her father had told her he wanted to be alone.
“And you're a bitch!” Eloise said from across the room.
“Girls! Stop it!” Faith shouted at them, and then gathered up the plates and left the dining room. It was a nightmarish end to what was supposed to be a wonderful afternoon. Zoe followed her into the kitchen then, and Ellie went upstairs to call her friends. Faith was crushed over what a disaster the afternoon had been.
“Mom, I hate to desert you and go out,” Zoe said apologetically. “I was supposed to meet some kids at six o'clock.” It was nearly that by then.
“It's all right, sweetheart. I don't suppose we're going to get all this sorted out tonight. I hope everyone will calm down by tomorrow.”
“He'll be the same then, Mom. That's who he is.”
“He's still your father, and I don't care how much you disagree with him, you have to show him respect.”
“He has to earn it first,” Zoe said, unwilling to relent. She had strong principles, and integrity, and the only respect she felt was for Faith. Her father had lost hers years before.
She kissed her mother, and ten minutes later, she left. And a few minutes after that, Eloise came downstairs carrying her coat and purse. She had made a date with friends, and she was anxious to get out. The atmosphere in the house was leaden after the explosion at the end of the meal.
“I'm sorry things got so difficult,” Faith said sadly to her. She had wanted it all to be so perfect for them. She hadn't counted on the argument that she had caused.
“That's okay, Mom,” Ellie said unconvincingly She still looked upset. They all did.
“I shouldn't have reacted to what your father said,” Faith said apologetically. She didn't say, as Zoe would have, that he shouldn't have goaded her by saying it. It had been a gesture of disrespect, whether Eloise admitted it or not. “It'll be all right.”
“Yeah, I know…. I hope you don't go to school, Mom. It will upset Dad so much.” And what about me, Faith wanted to scream. What kind of life will I have if I don't? No life at all.
“We'll work it out. Don't worry about it. Just go out tonight and have some fun. What time do you think you'll be home?”
“I don't know, Mom.” She smiled. She was twenty-four years old, and she'd been living on her own in an apartment in London. She wasn't used to having her mother checking on her anymore. “Late. Don't wait up.”
“I just wanted to know what time I should start worrying.” She smiled. “Sometimes I forget how old you
“Just go to bed. I'll be fine.” Zoe had said she'd be back by ten. And she worried about both girls when they were out. They were beautiful, and more vulnerable than they thought.
Eloise left a few minutes later, and Faith spent the next hour clearing the table and cleaning up the kitchen. The leftovers were put away, the counters were clean, the dining room table looked pristine again, and the dishwasher was going full force.
It was after seven when she turned off the lights and knocked on Alex's study door. There was no answer for a long time, but she knew that he was there. In the end, she cracked the door open and peeked in. He was sitting in a chair, reading a book, and glanced up at her with a frown.
“May I come in?” She was respectful of him, and his space, and spoke to him from across the room.
“Why? There's nothing to say.”
“I think there is. I'm sorry things got out of hand. I got upset by what you said.”
“You already agreed to give up the idea of law school, Faith. You went back on your word. And there's no point in your taking classes this spring. I assume they're law classes you signed up for?” She nodded and he looked sullen, angry, and cold. And she felt the same icy wind of disapproval she'd had from the men in her life since she was a child. But this time, she was determined to handle it differently.
“We didn't agree. You ordered me to do what you told me to.” She sat down in a chair across from his. It was a small, cozy wood-paneled room, with a leather couch, and two large leather chairs, and a fireplace Alex often lit on winter nights, but not tonight. He hadn't been in the mood. “Alex, this is important to me. I need a new purpose in my life, a reason to live, something to focus on, now that the girls are gone.” She wanted to make him understand how much this meant to her, and hoped that then he would agree.
“You have a purpose. You're married to me. You're my wife.” It was the only role he could see her in, and he had no intention of changing that now. It suited him, whether or not it was enough for her.
“I need more than that. You're a busy man. You have a life. I don't.”
“That's a sad statement about our marriage,” he said, looking glum. Her appeals were falling on deaf ears.
“Maybe it is,” she said quietly. “Maybe it's a sadder statement about me. I need a purpose in life, a bigger one than I've got. Let's face it, I've been a full-time mother for twenty-four years, and I'm out of a job. That's tough.”
“That's life. All women face that when their kids go away to college.”
“A lot of them have jobs and careers. I want to be one of them. And all I can tell you is that I'll do my best not to let it interfere with you.” She was pleading with him, but he showed no sign that he'd relent.
“Things are going to come to a bad pass with us, Faith, if you don't back off.”
“Don't threaten me, Alex. That's not fair. I wouldn't do this to you. If this was important to you, I'd try and support you as best I could.”
“It's important to me that you not go to school.” They were each deadlocked where they were, and Faith had no idea how to resolve it with him, or get what she wanted. She hated to give up. There seemed to be so much at stake suddenly, not just whether or not she went to school. This was about respect and self-esteem, and a new life she wanted desperately, but their old life was far more comfortable for him.
“Can we shelve this for now?” She didn't know what else to do. All she could hope was that time would soften him, when he got used to the idea.
“I'm not going to discuss it with you again,” he said, and then startled her by what he said next. “Do what you want, Faith. I suppose you will anyway. But don't expect my support. I'm a hundred percent opposed to your going back to school. I just want you to be clear on that. Do it at your own risk.”
“What does that mean?” His veiled threat frightened her, just as it was intended to.
“What I said.” She wondered if he would punish her in some way if she went back to school. But in her heart of hearts, she knew it was worth the risk. It was something she knew she had to do. No matter what. For once in her life, she was going to do something just for her.
“Do you want to come upstairs?” she asked him gently, grateful that he had backed off, even a little bit, although there had been an implied threat. Maybe this was the best he could do, and she was grateful that it wasn't worse. It could have been.
“No, I don't,” he said, lowering his eyes to his book again and shutting her out, as he always did.
She got up quietly and left. She touched his shoulder as she went, and he did not respond. He felt like a statue when she touched him, and he said not a word. She went upstairs to take a bath, and then sat in her own small study, while she waited for Zoe to come home. She checked her e-mail, but there was no word from Brad.
Thanksgiving had been difficult certainly, and she'd won a victory. But at a high price. But at least, she consoled herself in the silence of the house, she'd won this round when he told her to do what she wanted. For once in her life, she intended to, and strengthened her resolve to proceed. It was going to be a brave new world for Faith. In truth, it already was.