Chapter 21
Sarah walked into the Broadway apartment with Seth to make sure he would be all right. He looked alternately dazed and angry and as though he was going to cry again. He didn't want to go to her place and see the children. He knew they would pick up on his sense of devastation and despair, even though they knew nothing about the trial. It was obvious that something terrible had happened to both their parents. In fact, it had happened months before, the first time he had defrauded his investors, thinking he would never get caught. He knew it wouldn't be long before Sully went to prison in New York. And now he was facing the same thing.
Seth took two tranquilizers as soon as he walked in, and poured himself half a glass of scotch. He took a long swig, and looked at Sarah. He couldn't stand seeing the anguish in her eyes.
“I'm sorry, baby,” he said between swallows of scotch. He didn't put his arms around her, or comfort her. He was thinking of himself. Apparently, he always had.
“So am I, Seth. Are you going to be okay here tonight? Do you want me to stay?” She didn't want to, but she would have for him, particularly the way he was drinking and taking pills. He was liable to kill himself without even trying. He needed someone there with him after the impact of the verdict, and if it had to be her, she was willing to do it for him. He was her husband and the father of her children, after all, although he seemed to have very little understanding of what this was doing to her. He was the one going to prison, as far as he was concerned, not his wife. But she was already in prison now, thanks to him, and had been since their life had imploded the night of the earthquake in May, eleven months before.
“I'll be fine. I'm going to get f*cking drunk. Maybe I'll stay drunk for the next month, until that a*shole sends me to the slammer for a hundred years, thirty days from now.” It wasn't the judge's fault, it was Seth's. Sarah was clear on the concept, but he wasn't. “Why don't you go back to your place, Sarah? I'll be okay.” He didn't sound convincing, and she was worried. It was all about him, it always was. But he was right in the sense that he was going to prison and she wasn't. He had a right to be upset, even if he'd done it to himself. She could still walk away from what had happened. He couldn't. And a month from now, his life as he had known it until then would be over. Hers already was. He didn't bring up divorce that night with her. He couldn't have handled hearing it from her, nor could she have said the words to him. She hadn't formed the decision or the words in her mind yet.
The subject came up finally a week later, when he dropped the children off, after a visit. He had only taken them out for a few hours. He couldn't handle more than that right now. He was too stressed, and he was looking very rough. She was looking frighteningly thin. Her clothes were hanging off her now, and her features had gotten sharp. Karen Johnson at the hospital kept saying she should have a checkup. But Sarah knew that there was no mystery to what was happening to her. Their life had fallen apart, and her husband was going to prison for a long time. They had lost everything, and would soon lose what was left. She had no one to rely on now except herself. It was as simple as that.
When Seth dropped the children off, he looked at her, with a question in his eyes. “Should we be talking about what we're going to do about our marriage? I think I'd like to know before I go to jail. And if we're going to stay together, maybe we should spend these last few weeks living together. It may be a long time before we can do that again.” He knew she wanted another baby, but she couldn't think about that now. She had given up the idea as soon as his criminal activities had surfaced. The last thing she wanted now was to get pregnant, although she wanted another baby, but not with him, and not now. That told her a lot. And what he was suggesting to her, about their moving in together for the next three weeks, upset her too. She couldn't see herself living with him again, making love with him, getting even more attached to him than she already was, and then having him leave her to go to prison. She couldn't do it. It had to be faced, and he was right, maybe now instead of later.
“I can't do that, Seth,” she said in an agonized voice, after the children went upstairs with Parmani for a bath. She didn't want them to hear what she was saying to their father. She didn't want them to remember that one day. They would have to know what had happened when they were old enough, but surely not now, and not later in an ugly way. “I just can't …I can't come back. I want to more than anything. I wish we could turn back the clock, but I don't think we can. I still love you, and I probably always will, but I don't think I could ever trust you again.” It was painful, but brutally honest. He stood rooted to the spot, looking at her, wanting her words to be different. He needed her, particularly when he'd go away.
“I understand.” He nodded, and then thought of something. “Would it have been different if I'd been acquitted?” Silently, she shook her head. She couldn't come back to him. She had suspected it for months, and had finally faced it herself in the last days of the trial, before the verdict. She just didn't have the heart to tell him, or even admit it to herself. But now she had no other choice. It had to be said, so they each knew where they stood. “I guess under those circumstances, it was nice of you to stand by me at the trial.” His lawyers had asked her to, for appearance's sake, but she would have done it anyway, out of love for him. “I'll call and start proceedings for divorce,” he said, looking devastated, and she nodded, with tears heavy in her eyes. It was one of the worst moments of her life, matched only by when their preemie baby nearly died, and the morning after the earthquake, when he had told her what he'd done. Their house of cards had been falling ever since, and it was flat on the ground now.
“I'm sorry, Seth.” He nodded, said not a word, turned, and left her apartment. It was done.
Sarah called Maggie and told her a few days later, and the little nun told her how sorry she was.
“I know how hard that decision was for you,” she said in a voice filled with compassion. “Have you forgiven him, Sarah?”
There was a long pause as Sarah searched her heart and was honest with her. “No, I haven't.”
“I hope you will someday. It doesn't mean you have to take him back.”
“I know.” She understood that now.
“It would free you both. You don't want to carry this forever, like a cement block on your heart.”
“I will anyway,” Sarah said sadly.
The sentencing was an anticlimax after the verdict at the trial. Seth had given up his apartment and was staying at the Ritz-Carlton for the last few nights. He had explained what was happening to his children, that he was going away for a while. Molly had cried, but he had promised she could visit, which seemed to reassure her. She was only four, and she didn't really understand. How could she? The concept was hard for all the grown-ups involved too. He had made arrangements with the bail bondsman to return the money to the bank, where it would be held in escrow for future lawsuits against him from investors, and a small portion was going to Sarah to help support herself and the children, but it wouldn't last long. Eventually, she'd have to rely only on her job, or her parents to do what they could for her, and it wouldn't be much. They were retired and lived on a fixed income. She might even have to live with them for a while, if she ran out of cash, and couldn't live on her salary. Seth was sorry, but he couldn't do better than that for her. He sold his new Porsche and somewhat grandly gave her the money. Every little bit helped, and he put his belongings in storage and said he'd figure out what to do with them later. Sarah had promised to do whatever his lawyers couldn't do for him. And the week of his sentencing, he had started proceedings for their divorce. It would be final in six months. Sarah cried when she got the notification, but she couldn't imagine staying married to him now. She didn't feel as though there was a choice.
The judge had investigated Seth's financial situation, and imposed a two-million-dollar fine on him, which would wipe him out, after the sale of everything he still had left. And a fifteen-year prison sentence, three years for each of the five charges he was convicted of. It was stiff, but it wasn't thirty. A muscle in Seth's jaw tightened as he listened, but he had been prepared for the bad news this time. The last time, waiting for the verdict, he had hope that a miracle would happen to let him off. He wasn't waiting for a miracle at the sentencing. And he realized, as he heard his sentence, that Sarah was right to want a divorce. If he served his full sentence, he would be out when he was fifty-three years old, and Sarah fifty-one. They were thirtyeight and thirty-six respectively now. It was a long time to wait for anyone. He might get out in twelve, if he was lucky. But even then, it was a long time. She'd be forty-eight years old, a very long time not to have her husband at her side. And Molly was going to be nineteen years old when he got out, Oliver seventeen. That really brought the point home to him that Sarah was right.
He was led out of the courtroom in handcuffs, as Sarah burst into a sob. He would be transferred to a federal prison in the next few days. His lawyers had asked for a minimum security facility, which was under consideration, and Sarah had promised to visit as soon as he got there, in spite of the divorce. She had no intention of shutting him out, she just couldn't be his wife anymore.
He turned to look at her once as he was led away, and just before they put the cuffs on him, he tossed her his wedding band. He had forgotten to take it off that morning, and leave it with the gold watch he had put in his suitcase and asked to have delivered to her house. He had told her to give the clothes away and save the watch for Ollie. The whole thing was ghastly, and she stood there holding his wedding ring, and sobbed. Everett led her out of the courtroom with Maggie, they took her home, and put her to bed.