12
AS HE WALKED toward courtroom number 420, Chris noticed the smell of industrial strength pine cleaner. It couldn’t quite mask the odor of desperation wafting through the air. His greeting encompassed the whole family, apprehensively waiting in the hallway, but Chris’s focus was on his nephew.
“Hey, G-man. How’re you doing?”
“How do you think?”
Gabe delivered the reply in the surliest voice possible but Chris saw the fear in the boy’s eyes and ignored it. He sat down on the hard bench and draped an arm over Gabe’s shoulder. “It’s going to be okay.”
“This is totally bogus, Uncle Chris.” He wiped a hand over his face. “Okay, yeah, I got mad about some guys who were messing with me. But I was never going to hurt any of them.”
“I know it’s hard to believe it right now, but you’ll get through this. You’ve got your whole family behind you.”
Chris looked up at Diana and Michael who were talking with Luke Simon, the attorney they’d hired. He wasn’t sure whether his sister and her husband would be able to work out all of their differences, but judging by the way Michael rested his hand on Di’s waist, they were at least going to stand together for their son’s sake.
He shifted his gaze to his parents. David and Jeanna sat on the next bench with his sister Andrea, waiting for Gabriel’s case to be called. He still couldn’t get over the sight of them holding hands. A pleasant glow warmed his heart. He’d been waiting a long time for this and hoped that this time really was until death did they part.
Chris adjusted his necktie and smoothed it over his shirt. They were all here to offer moral support, and if the judge allowed it, to act as character witnesses. Gabriel’s immediate and possibly his long-term future was on the line, so it was important that he make a good impression in the courtroom.
However, if Chris were honest with himself, the choice to wear his best suit and favorite tie was in hopes of running into Rei. He’d thought about calling her on the pretext of asking her advice on Gabe’s behalf, but then told himself he wasn’t going to chase her. She obviously didn’t want him to.
Though just because their relationship was over didn’t mean he’d stopped caring, wondering how she was and praying for her to be all right. He wasn’t sure where to find her and he didn’t want to wander the halls and miss Gabe’s case being called. Maybe he’d try to locate her after this hearing.
If she was even here. Chris raked a hand over his hair. Hell, it hadn’t occurred to him that she might have taken a leave of absence to begin whatever treatments her doctor had recommended. He’d done some Internet research and apparently chemotherapy often made the patient feel worse than the cancer itself.
“Gabriel Russo?”
His thoughts were interrupted and his heart gave a nervous leap when the bailiff called Gabe’s name. Chris looked over to see the look of panic on his nephew’s face. He patted Gabe’s knee then stood as the lawyer came over to escort them into the courtroom.
Chris held the heavy wooden door for his mother and waited for his dad to precede him before following them inside. The courtroom was smaller than he’d imagined, so he wasn’t halfway down the aisle before he saw the judge’s face. Shadows darkened her eyes and her mouth was set in a firm line.
Rei looked tired and preoccupied, but he smiled anyway, glad to see her despite his resolve. She, however, did not seem at all happy to see him. Her brows drew together in surprise when she looked up from the papers she’d been studying. For a second, Chris thought he saw welcome in her gaze but it disappeared almost instantly.
“Mr. Simon, what is Mr. London doing here?”
Gabe’s attorney shot him a puzzled look before addressing Rei. “He’s the defendant’s uncle, Your Honor. He’s one of the witnesses I intend to call to—”
“Both counsel, approach the bench.” Rei shot him a quick glance, looking vaguely apologetic, before turning her attention to the lawyers.
“What’s going on?” Gabe asked in confusion.
His mother touched his arm. “How in the world do you know the judge, Chris?”
He lowered his voice so no one beyond the family could overhear. “She’s the woman I was dating until recently.”
“Oh, you never told me about her.” Jeanna looked over towards the judge’s bench.
He looked at Rei as well, his chest tight with longing and regret. “There’s nothing to tell.”
CHRIS LOOKED wonderful. She’d never seen him in a suit before and the formality of it added a certain sexiness to his boyish good looks. The ripple of pleasure traveled from her heart to all the nerves in her body, finally settling between her thighs. The reaction annoyed and distracted her.
She was glad to see him, just not under these circumstances. “I’m not at liberty to speak with you. This isn’t the time or place.”
She glanced up and down the western corridor nearest the Administrator’s office, where she’d just asked that Commissioner Whitney take over the Russo case. Rei sincerely hoped no one witnessed this ex parte conversation. If she was seen talking to Chris, she’d get her hat handed to her by the supervising judge. After the Grayson fiasco, she couldn’t take that chance.
“Listen to me, Rei. Please.”
His superior height and larger body blocked her escape from the alcove near the stairs. Chris wasn’t threatening her and he couldn’t possibly know it, but his posture reminded her of someone else who used physical intimidation to make a point.
“We have nothing to discuss, Chris.”
When she started to move around him, he put out his arm in entreaty. “This isn’t about us. It’s about an angry and misunderstood boy who—”
“About whom I don’t want to hear another word. I can’t, okay?” She gripped the folds of her robe and tried to make him understand. “I am barred by the canon of ethics from discussing any of my cases, especially those involving a minor.”
Chris’s focus remained on her as his voice took on an earnest tone. “We’ve talked about Gabe before and you know he’s basically a good kid. It’s just that this divorce has got him upset and confused.”
Rei looked up in time to see what she’d dreaded most. Judge Orr was coming down the hall. Now she found herself grateful for Chris’s ability to overshadow her. “You’re the one who seems to be confused. I recused myself from the case and postponed it for reassignment to avoid any suggestion of impropriety.”
“If you’re not going to hear the case anymore, there shouldn’t be a problem.”
“There’s still a problem, though you obviously can’t see it.” As soon as the supervising judge had passed, she drew herself up to her full height and pleaded with him to appreciate the position she was in.
“I respect the zealous way you’re defending your nephew, it’s admirable. And I realize you’re used to manipulating opportunities to get the result you want, but that is not going to happen in this matter, understand? It’s out of my hands.”
“I see you read the tabloids.” Chris’s eyes darkened with resignation and his mouth twisted into a smirk. “All I’m asking is for someone to listen, to see the truth and make the offer of another chance.”
Were they talking about Gabe, or about their relationship? This was a test, a chance for her to prove that she wasn’t judgmental. But damn it, the timing was all wrong. She reached out to briefly touch his hand and felt the same tingling energy as the first night they’d met. “We can talk later, okay? Right now I have to go.”
When Chris turned, creating an exit route, Rei pulled the robe tighter around her and started to walk away. She was just about past him when he cleared his throat. “How are you? Are you…okay?”
She looked up to catch the worry in his gaze before the shutter came down and his expression became impersonal. No, she wasn’t okay. She was angry and confused and disappointed and she missed him. There was a big empty space in her life where he was supposed to be.
“I’m fine, Chris. It was a false alarm. A second round of testing showed that the cancer is still in remission.”
“I’m glad to hear that, Rei. Really.” His shoulders sagged a bit, releasing tension, and he gave her a little smile. He opened his mouth, as if there was something else on his mind, but then simply nodded.
She continued to hold his gaze, giving him the opportunity to say what he needed to. But the silence stretched on painfully and the gulf widened between them. She wanted to bridge it, though she wasn’t sure how since nothing had been resolved, and she reached for him again.
“Chris—”
“You have to go, remember?” He looked away. “Take care of yourself.”
She drew back her hand and sighed. “Yeah, you, too.”
Chin down, Rei marched down the hall in the direction of her chambers. She was determined to keep it together until she could close the door and have a good cry, something she’d been doing a lot lately. She wouldn’t have the chance, however. Someone stepped in front of her and she jerked her head up.
Associate Justice Gordon Davis frowned down at her. “What the hell were you thinking, Rei?”
HER CHAMBERS FELT too small with her father in it, especially when he invaded her personal space. Rei hid her reaction, though, and forced herself not to back down.
“You’ve embarrassed me, smearing the family name through the tabloids.” He smacked the newspaper he held with the back of his other hand. “And, as if that weren’t bad enough, I come to discuss your transgression only to find you carrying on with a witness.”
“I turned the Russo case over to another judge as soon as I realized there was a conflict.”
“That’s something at least. You’re never going to be taken seriously if you continue to exhibit such a lack of good sense and judgment.”
As he continued his tirade, Rei simmered with resentment. He never listened to anything she said, except those portions he could use against her later. He hoarded her words and feelings like ammunition then shot her down when she least expected it.
“I was right to push you as hard as I did, though I don’t know why I bothered. You’ve never lived up to your potential.”
Rei looked at him, noting that once again a man was using his size to keep her in place. Chris was the same size as her father, as tall and as broad. He too had challenged her over Gabriel, but instead of intimidating her, he’d simply stood his ground and made his appeal.
In an instant of crystal clarity, she realized P.J. was right—she couldn’t move forward as long as the past was holding her back. “No, Dad. I’ve never lived up to your expectations and that’s not the same thing.”
Gordon paused, highly displeased at the interruption. “Excuse me?”
Rei cleared her throat. “I’ve exceeded my potential. You’d know that if just once you’d see me for who I really am, not the way you want me to be.”
Gordon scoffed. “If you could be what I wanted, you certainly wouldn’t be wasting your time in kiddie court.”
“‘Kiddie court’ is the best job I’ve ever had, the most rewarding, the most important.” Rei fanned the spark of anger to bolster her courage. “I’d rather suffer the consequences of the few Bruce Graysons than make the mistake of not showing leniency to the many Gabriel Russos. Believe it or not, Dad, I’m a damned good judge.”
“Of course, you are. You’re a Davis when you bother to remember it, and I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
He didn’t get it. As usual, it was all about him. He was small-minded and small-hearted, needing to tear people down in order to make himself better.
“I doubt that you realize it, but you’re the reason I fight so hard for the kids in my courtroom. I’m a good person. I’m smart and caring and have a lot of other positive traits. But you’ve never acknowledged them because it was easier to keep me in a box called inadequate.”
He looked away from her steady gaze and moved back a step. “I never said that you’re inadequate. But you do tend to make unwise choices—refusing the offer from Stanford, leaving your corporate law firm. Now you’re involved with some kind of matchmaking con artist. This is not acceptable for a jurist and member of my family, Rei.”
She smiled sadly, knowing he would never understand and that it was time for her to let go of her expectations as well. “We’re not a family. Not since before Mom died. We’re just two people who were once forced by blood and circumstance to live together.”
“How dare you? I raised you to show more respect.” Gordon threw the newspaper to the floor at her feet.
Rei flinched but stood her ground. “You want respect but you’ve never given it in return.”
It was as if she hadn’t spoken. Gordon continued to scowl at her, his brown eyes boring into hers. “I demand an apology, young lady. Right now.”
“I am sorry, Dad. I’m very sorry for all that should have been and may never be.”
She could tell by the unyielding expression on his face, by the rejection in his eyes, that he wouldn’t change and so neither would their relationship. In her heart a part of her would always want to be Daddy’s precious girl, but she realized she’d never live up to his expectations and she no longer wanted to try.
This was her father’s game and she didn’t want to play anymore.
“I wanted so much for you to love me, Dad. But I can’t remember a time you ever said it, and even if you had I wouldn’t have believed you. Actions really do speak louder than words.”
He stared at her, uncharacteristically speechless, and for a moment she thought that, for once, something had gotten through to him. Then without another word, he spun on his heel and walked stiffly toward the door.
Rei watched him go, her heart breaking a little more with each step. For most of her life she’d viewed her father as judgmental and intimidating and hurtful. But now, as if she were looking through a window after sweeping the curtains aside, she finally saw him clearly. Gordon was human, a sad, dysfunctional man who didn’t know how to be a father. Realizing that, she felt liberated from the past.
Then suddenly he paused, the knob gripped tightly in his fist. He spoke without turning around.
“About Hunter’s high school graduation.”
Rei braced herself for the final rejection. She had stood up to him, challenged his authority and there was no way he would allow that loss of control. But that was okay; she’d said what she needed to and crossed over to healing.
“Yes?”
“I’ll expect you—that is, you’re welcome. Unless you have other plans.”
Rei smiled and blinked away the haze of moisture from her eyes. “I’ll be there.”
Wednesday, April 23rd
Accomplishments: Make peace with the past; Admit when you’re wrong
JadeBlossom is now online
JadeBlossom is instant messaging you
JadeBlossom: I did it.
PajamaPartyGirl: Did what?
JadeBlossom: I called my father a selfish, self-centered arrogant jerk.
PajamaPartyGirl: YOU WHAT????
JadeBlossom: Okay, maybe I didn’t use those exact words. But I did it, P.J. I finally stood up to him and told him how much he’s hurt me. I still can’t believe it. I was so hesitant to confront him. But I did it.
PajamaPartyGirl: I’m so proud of you! You turned the light on the monster in the closet and saw how small a shadow he casts.
JadeBlossom: Yes, the monster was only a man after all. It’s funny, I see parents like him all the time in court but never recognized Gordon for the bully he is. And like most bullies, he backed down when he realized I wasn’t going to let him intimidate me anymore.
PajamaPartyGirl: That’s great! You must feel so good.
JadeBlossom: I don’t know how I feel. I thought there would be some kind of epiphany, some magic moment that shouted, “The past is over!”
PajamaPartyGirl: There won’t be one moment but a series of them. It took years for this pain to build, so you can’t expect it to ease with a single conversation. Give yourself some time. You had the strength to face him. You have the power to let go and you now have the freedom to make better choices in your relationships.
JadeBlossom: I don’t even know where to begin.
PajamaPartyGirl: Call Chris.
THURSDAY NIGHT after work, Rei slowly turned the pages of her Life List journal, looking over the items she’d written there. Though she’d managed to check off several more goals, there was still so much she wanted to do.
Twice now she’d been blessed with the gift of life, and although she’d untied the ribbon and torn off the wrapping paper, she had yet to open the box and truly appreciate what was inside. It was time for her to look beyond the moment, to believe in the future and live as though she had one.
It was time for her to take the greatest risk of all.
Rei picked up the phone and dialed Chris’s home number. When the digital answering machine picked up, she started to speak and then changed her mind. She wanted to hear his voice, not a machine’s. She hung up and dialed his cell phone.
The line rang four times, and she was anticipating the call to roll into voice mail when he finally answered. “Yes, Rei.”
His tone of voice took her aback, but then again she shouldn’t have expected a warm reception. She wasn’t the only one who’d been hurt. Rei tightened her grip on the handset, but kept the tension out of her voice.
“Hi, Chris. How are you?”
“Fine, thanks. Was there something you wanted?”
You. I want you. “I’m calling to apologize. I wanted to let you know that I’m sorry and I hope you’ll understand—”
“Of course. Giving up my nephew’s case was just doing your job. I know that.”
Rei smothered a hint of frustration. She knew he was upset, but still, this was not going as she’d hoped. She wasn’t used to reaching out, and Chris wasn’t making it any easier. Maybe it might be better to try to make amends in person.
“Are you doing anything this evening? We could meet somewhere for drinks.”
He hesitated and she felt the silence grow into a barrier. When he finally spoke, his voice was colored with regret and sadness and resolve. “I don’t think so. I don’t have much of an appetite right now.”
Rei closed her eyes, dropping her chin to her chest. Her heart constricted in denial even as her mind recognized the truth. His reference to the craving they’d felt from the beginning couldn’t have been clearer. He wasn’t hungry anymore. Not for her. Not for a woman who’d never given herself fully so that she wouldn’t lose everything when it all went wrong.
Well, it had gone wrong anyway and she had only herself to blame. But she wasn’t going to allow old hurt to keep getting in the way of new love. Take a risk.
“I—I miss you, Chris.”
“I miss you, too. But I’ve gotten used to it.” He sighed, a soft exhalation against the phone that said more than she wanted to hear. “You’ve been leaving me ever since we met and I’m not going to keep beging you to stay. I’m glad to know you’re okay. I hope someday you’ll be happy. Take care, Rei.”
There was a click and then the buzz of the dial tone filled her ear. A lesser woman might have seen that as an ending. However, Rei wasn’t about to give up on the best thing that had ever happened to her. Obviously it wasn’t enough to say she was sorry, she knew that. So she’d have to find a way show him.
In her job, she gave people second chances all the time. Now she needed to give herself one and ask Chris to do the same.
“WE’LL BE BACK with The Bayside Morning Show after these messages.”
Friday morning, Rei opened the doors to her closet while a commercial touted “quicker, thicker” paper towels. She rummaged through her clothes, agonizing over what to wear. She wasn’t in the mood for her usual black, white or gray. It was a new day and she had a newfound determination to make it the best it could be.
“Welcome back to Bayside. I’m Autumn Matthews. Our guests this morning are Eric Antoine, Michelle Johnson, Tina Farrell and Marvin Carrington.”
Why had she bought that yellow dress? She looked awful in yellow. It was supposed to be decent weather today, so maybe she could wear the lightweight mint-green sweater….
“As you probably know, San Francisco’s hottest dating service has recently come under fire for some questionable practices.” Rei whipped her head around to stare at the television screen. “These four Lunch Meetings clients are here to try to set the record straight.”
She sank down on the edge of the bed to watch the interview. The show’s host seemed to focus on the earnest-looking man immediately to her right. Eric Antoine turned out to be one of the station’s producers and Michelle Johnson was a news copy editor.
Eric explained that he’d been interested in Michelle for months, but had been too unsure of himself to approach her. He claimed that everything changed when he signed up for Lunch Meetings.
“I give full credit to Chris London for getting Michelle and I together. His courtship counseling forced me to take a deeper look at my life and the kind of woman I wanted to share it with.”
“But, Eric,” the host contended, “the Inquirer article implied that the profile results were being manipulated. Don’t you wonder how you and Michelle were paired up?”
Michelle shook her head and smiled. “Not at all. I never signed up for the service. So there’s no way Chris could have messed around with our compatibility results.”
Rei felt her face heat in shame. She’d believed the worst about Chris without ever giving him the benefit of the doubt. Her attitude had been small-minded and callous and unforgiving—everything she hated about her father.
On the show, Autumn cocked her head to one side. “But he did offer you two, as well as other male clients, special additional services, right? And how much more did he charge for these clothes shopping trips and etiquette lessons?”
“No more than I would have paid an image con sultant, Autumn. I wasn’t charged any outrageous fees, but frankly,” Eric turned to look at Michelle and the affection is his gaze was obvious, “the help Chris gave me was worth any price.”
The round-faced man next to Eric spoke up hesitantly. “I know this is going to sound trite, but I think Chris does this out of the goodness of his heart.”
“Oh, come on, Marvin, you can’t be serious?” asked Autumn.
When Tina leaned over to take his hand, he sat up a little straighter and looked the interviewer in the eye. “If you read the Lunch Meetings literature carefully, there are no express guarantees that any client will end up in a relationship. The brochure only promises to in troduce you to people who seem to be compatible.”
“Chris didn’t have to coach the guys,” Tina insisted. “I think he saw their sincerity and loneliness and, if not for his advice, they wouldn’t have had the confidence to enter a relationship.”
Michelle nodded. “I have to admit, I wouldn’t have given Eric a second chance except that I noticed the results of Chris’s suggestions.”
Autumn turned to the other couple. “Now, I understand you two just got engaged?”
Tina beamed happily. “Yes, we did. We’re planning a winter wedding, and Chris’s is the first name on our guest list. I’ve never been happier or more in love.”
Marvin blushed and cleared his throat. “Let’s face it, I’m not the best looking guy and I’ve always been shy. Chris identified and helped bring out my positive qualities, as well as coaching me on how to act more confidently. Thanks to the Lunch Meetings service, I’ve found the perfect woman. Tina loves me unconditionally for exactly who I am.”
Rei didn’t hear the rest of the interview. She didn’t need to. Unconditional love was the one thing she’d desperately wanted for the past twenty-five years. She closed her eyes as the image of her mother filled her mind and the memory of Keiko’s love pervaded her heart.
Then another face appeared, the face of the man who’d offered wholehearted friendship and uninhibited passion. She was still hurt over his reaction to her cancer scare, but she knew from other women in her support group that friends and family, especially males, often responded negatively to hide their fear.
That was another example of her believing the worst of Chris without asking him to explain. Her ethics had been called into question twice recently. However, the Bayside interview had just reminded her of something very important. Ethics was as much about doing the right thing as about upholding the law.
Rei stood up and went back to the closet. She had to get dressed and get to the courthouse. She had a lot to do today.