“I think we just have to cool it for a while, and see what happens to Allie,” he said calmly. It was a reasonable suggestion, but Page was still too angry to hear it. “Besides, it would be too hard on Andy right now, if we did anything drastic.” It was the first really sensible thing he'd said, and Page had to nod in agreement.
“Yeah, I guess you're right.” And then she looked up at him, her eyes full of anguished questions. “So you just go on with …this thing …and we talk about it later, is that it?”
“More or less,” he said, squirming a little as he met her eyes. He knew he was asking a lot of her, and that in her shoes, he couldn't have done it. But he expected her to.
“Sounds like a pretty easy deal for you. And I turn the other way? Is that it?” Page asked, wondering how he could ask that of her.
“I don't know what to do, Page. You have to figure that out.” This time he said it almost harshly. He was not willing to jeopardize his relationship with Stephanie, and yet at the same time, he seemed to want to hang on to his marriage, at least until he had decided what exactly it was he wanted. It sounded like a sweet deal for him, and it made Page furious to be asked to agree to it. But right now, she had no choice and she knew it. She couldn't cope with separating from him, and Allie's accident, and Andy's reactions to all of it, not to mention her own. But no matter what she did, she knew that she would be thinking about what was coming at her in the future. And for the moment, none of it looked pleasant or easy.
“If you're asking me for permission, I'm not going to give it to you,” she said icily. “You have no right to expect that from me. You didn't have my permission before, and you did what you wanted. But I'm not going to make it easy for you now by saying it's fine with me. It's not. And sooner or later, you're going to have to live with the consequences of your actions.” In some ways, it was lucky for him that they had more important things to deal with right now, and he could get by without having to face what he had done to their marriage. But eventually, no matter what happened to Allie, they'd have to deal with it, and they both knew that. It was what was frightening Brad, and depressing Page, as they stood outside the ICU at Marin General.
He looked at her for a long moment, not sure what to say to her, and then glanced at his watch. He needed a reprieve desperately. This was all too much for him, the emotions were running too high, and the reality of it was terrifying. Their lives had changed in the blink of an eye, and he still hadn't fully absorbed all that had happened.
“We can talk about this some other time. I have to get back to the office.”
“Where will you be if I need you?” she said coldly. He was removing himself from her in every way he could, from Allie, from the hospital which was so upsetting to both of them, and from having to face her now that she knew about his affair. He was simply leaving, and going back to the office to hide …and to Stephanie, to console him. Page suddenly found herself wondering what she looked like.
“What do you mean, 'Where will I be'?” he said unpleasantly. “I just told you. At the office.”
“I just thought I'd ask, in case you wander off somewhere.” He knew exactly what she meant, and his face got red as he fought back a flash of embarrassment and anger. “If you do, leave a message at the desk in ICU as to where I can find you.”
“Obviously,” he said coldly.
She wanted to ask him if he'd be home that night, but suddenly she found she didn't want to ask him anything. She didn't want to hear the lies, didn't want to argue with him anymore, or insult him, or listen to the contempt and defensiveness in his voice. She felt totally drained by their conversation.
“I'll call you later,” he said, and sped away, as she watched him disappear down the hall. She felt so many things as she looked at him, angry, sad, confused, hurt, betrayed, furious …furious …frightened …and so lonely.
She went back to Allyson then, and at three o'clock she drove to Ross Grammar School to pick up Andy. It was a relief to follow her old routine again, to be with him, to be there for him, and take him to familiar places. She stayed with him all afternoon, and then dropped him off at Jane Gilson's for dinner. Brad was supposed to pick him up later, on his way home from the office.
“I'll see you in the morning,” she said, kissing him, grateful for the sweet smell of his flesh, the softness of his hair, the two little arms around her neck as he kissed her. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom. Kiss Allie for me.”
“I will, sweetheart.”
She thanked Jane Gilson again, who admonished her, as Trygve had, not to overdo it. “What do you think I ought to do?” Page asked irritably, “stay home and watch TV? How can I be anywhere else but there, given her condition?”